Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

People are allowed to be annoyed when they're called upon to help in an emergency that turns out not to be an emergency.

Grandparents have lives and commitments too - it's not always straightforward to just drop everything, jump in the car and be there as soon as you get a phone call.

But in this case, they did drop everything last-minute and did answer the cry for help, but because they weren't full of the joys of spring, that apparently means they don't care and are shit grandparents

There's driving 250 miles for an emergency and then there's driving 250 miles to enable four adults to have a nap.

And not forgetting OP also has a fit and able husband to help out too. They didn't both need to be at the hospital - if OP's parents were struggling, either OP or her DH should have gone home to be with their other child.

Even if all that was "needed" was emotional support it shouldn't matter. That's what family is for.

But they did show up to provide support. It just wasn't provided with a cheery enough smile - and it unfortunately came with a time limit as they, understandably, had to get back for their dogs.

People can't always be expected to just drop everything for you when you need support - they have their own lives, issues and commitments to deal with too.

@JumpingFrogs12
I'm sorry you've had a hard time OP. I think many PPs are missing the point that surely you would want to help your family when they're in such a scary situation. There's no excuse for your MIL putting more stress on you by having a face like a slapped arse and showing no sympathy.

Im glad if I did have an emergency (never have done so far), I could call both sets of grandparents and they would drop everything. They would be there with a big hug and there to help us in anyway. It wouldn’t matter if they got there and found it wasn’t a total disaster, if we felt we needed them in that moment, they would always be glad we had called.

@Kabalagala and the emergency dog sitter who was an iritant to the OP - should also just give up there time without a thought?

@Hellybelly84 how would you feel if your SIL then had a tantrum because you had to go home to relieve the emergency dog sitter because you couldn’t live living beings locked up for days?

Have read most replies but not all ,and I definitely think I am on a different wavelength to pps.
OP I really do understand how you reacted and yes I would have come to help out even if just for tea and sympathy.
When my baby was in hospital and seriously ill with bronchialitis my husband was at the hospital and wizzing home to look after the other two children as well. We definitely did benefit from the help of both grandmothers to keep up a certain amount of normality and routine for the other young children.
Have done the same to help out ,when friends have had poorly children.

But they did drop everything and turn up to help! Their only "crime" is that MIL apparently wasn't affectionate and smiley enough

Some people on this thread seem really keen to criticise and find fault. Nobody is perfect - sometimes our emotions get in the way, and sometimes we have other things on our minds that mean we don't react perfectly all the time.

Totally agree…what has happened to empathy and compassion with people these days ?!

Thanks @Lovemydoggiesomuch

Lots of people have jumped on the OP for dismissing the PIL dog issues. Frankly, if my child or grandchild couldn't breathe, dogs (so long as they were safe and I could leave food/water) would not top my concerns list.

When ds was 18 months he was in hospital for 5 days and nights with severe symptoms from bronchiolitis. dh and I took it in shifts to deal with ds in hospital - it was mostly me in hospital as ds settled better with me, and dh coming in every day for a visit when he could (and food/drinks for me!) and every couple of days I would go home for a quick shower.

You had 4 willing adults at hand locally. One needed to be in hospital, the other 3 could rota visiting/looking after ds1 for such a very short admission.

I really don't see the need for them to have been asked at all unless it was a test of their commitment, which I would say they certainly passed! They were probably moody thinking there are 4 adults here already wtf have we just driven here for, just to head straight back home!

This. Different matter if they volunteered but it seems alot to ask for one day. And given your dc was only in overnight a tad dramatic.

@roarfeckingroarr but that’s a ridiculous exaggeration of the situation. The emergency had passed - the emergenfy was OP feeling overwhelmed - not the emergency with the child

If you have animals, the reality is you often can't just bugger off for hours on end with little/no notice. Your dogs may be fine being left, but many aren't and would become distressed or destructive after a while.

The emergency was over. They wanted 2 more xtra adults to come so they could nap.

Four adults all needed to sleep so they got a couple to do 260 miles round trip and put their dogs with a friends to watch two children while they slept.

My mother would come because I needed rest, my Inlaws would have my children at theirs . She wouldn’t come to my house to watch them while I slept.

Think about the logistics of that too. Keeping two young children, quiet enough one with additional needs and one who’s clearly poorly quiet enough for adults to sleep in a house that’s not yours either.

Ops health issues are just as likely to be the actual issue at that time by her perspective of their grumpiness than them being grumpy or not about actually finding out their are just there to let people sleep.

@whataboutsecondbreakfast they didn't need both PIL to come. The miserable MIL could've stayed home with her pets.

I just find it so strange that they would resent helping and the MIL wouldn't be kind and supportive. It's just so alien to me. They're family!!

You don't know why they both came - there could be a whole number of reasons why neither of them wanted to make the journey alone!

They dumped everything last minute and drove 130 miles to help. How is that not being supportive?!

But actually there is very little to say the MIL was miserable/grumpy/had a face like a slapped arse apart from the OP herself having that feeling - and a definite side effect of anxierty is over thinking and creating a false narrative

@whataboutsecondbreakfast it sounds like they / MIL did so with a poor, uncaring attitude and the rushed straight off. Neither of us were there to see exactly what happened but if the OP's interpretation was correct, they could've been better. My family would never make me feel like my problem was a burden.

No. You have it wrong

The medical emergency was over. They were at home and wanted to nap together...the other grandparents were already there. Ridiculous to need 6 people for 2 children who are not in hospital.

Being physically present isn't the same as being supportive