Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

I know, people are saying they would be exhausted with that drive. Thats literally a few hours depending how the roads are. Do people not go on days out/travel to see family/weekends away etc? Bizarre.

Shows how sad some family are that they think its ok to be ‘miffed’ to help out family.

I’m interested to know how annoyed the emergency dog sitter is allowed to be given that they presumably rearranged their lives for a day at short notice for the non emergency??

Why is it sad?

I would be a bit annoyed if I dropped everything, left my dog and drove 130 miles to help someone only to find that I wasn't actually needed as there were already multiple other people helping.

You can love your family and care about your grandchild and still be annoyed that you dropped everything seemingly unnecessarily.

I agree @JumpingFrogs12 the only thing that is clearly fact in your post is that you asked for help and they came the next day. They stayed to do what you asked with helping with DS1 and then they left.

Then there is a lot of I could tell/I could feel/I felt from you - all your perception of how she behaved and what you thought she was thinking/felt. But is all just that your guilt/worry and feelings transferred over to her.

You have no evidence to say that she felt like this - only how you felt. But that is exactly what anxiety and depression does - it can twist and change perceptions from your MIL simply doing what was asked of her to your view (coloured by your own guilt about asking) into sometihng else.

You were not wrong to ask. ANd you should ask again because there is nothing to say that she felt any anger or upset at being asked

You're right. OP should really have thought about the dog sitter before letting her child be hospitalised. How silly.

And who knows what the MIL was doing or dealing with herself at the time. Might have had nothing to do with having to be put out. Remember staying with my gran in America for a few weeks as a kid and she didn't seem very welcoming. It really upset my mum (who had MH issues as she was sent to UK to live her abusive dad) and she started booking flights to come home early. She confronted my gran in tears who then brightened up and convinced us to stay. We only found out when she died a few months later, she had received results during our stay that her cancer had come back and was terminal. She obviously didn't want to ruin our visit so she didn't tell us - bless her. People have their own worries and stresses and some keep it to thelseves and probably has nothing to do with the OP but our own anxieties makes it feel like it's directed as us.

They came. They helped.
Since you're not particularly close, it sounds as though you have no idea what was going in their lives. MIL's lack of joy may have been connected to lots of issues that you know nothing about or it could just be she was tired after the drive and worried about her GC. Also Covid numbers are rising again and you'd all just returned from hospital. She might have sensibly avoided hugs for that reason.

Why is it so surprising to you that everyone is different?

@Kabalagala but the pil weren’t needed because of the emergency hospitalization- the op wanted them there after the medical emergency was over.

when her, her husband and her MIL wanted to nap and her father apparently was unable to do anything

Exactly.

Surely the important thing is that they showed up and helped when they were asked to. There's no law that says they have to be happy about it too!

There's obviously some friction between you and your MIL op.

You could ignore it and let it fester.

You or your dh could tackle her about it and risk inflaming the situation.

Or you could hold out an olive branch to smooth things over - maybe send your in-laws some flowers with a card thanking them for coming and saying that you really appreciated having their help and support at such a stressful time. Or ring under the pretext of updating them on how your dc is doing and say that you hope they didn't think you were overreacting in asking them to come, but you really appreciated them being there etc.

When it's written out like that it sounds ridiculous I guess. I was at the vets till 2am last week with an emergency and start work at 7, I had to get on with it of course, if I had a young child and couldn't stay awake for example the next day I may have ask for help from MIL or DM. It may seem extreme that the OP had so much help but perhaps the situation seemed really serious and they felt they needed the support.

It all kinda depends on how it was framed to the PIL initially doesn’t it.

There’s a world of difference between “omg your grandchild is in hospital it’s an emergency and we need help and you need to come NOW”

and

”Hi MIL, we’ve had a bit of a situation with DC2 and she’s been very ill and in hospital, she’s on the mend now and my mum’s been here looking after DC1, but we are all really exhausted. Is there any chance you could just help out for a day so we could get some rest?”

I wonder if how it was framed was more the former than the latter because OP was anxious/distressed and therefore the expectations didn’t match the reality (4 adults there to see to the kids, albeit exhausted ones). Hence the slightly annoyed reaction from MIL. It’s also much harder to say no to the former request than the latter and I wonder if the PIL felt a bit manipulated? Which of course wouldn’t have been OP’s intention because that was how she felt at the time - it was emergency and she felt she couldn’t cope.

How it took 6 grown adults to deal with a child being in hospital for 24 hours is absolutely beyond me.

Another for this. Having spent the last week in hospital with a very very sick child we have taken it turns around the help that is easily and willingly available to us.

100% this I think.

I think from OP's updates, she just panicked and asked everyone she could think of for help, without thinking about the practicalities of it all.

Oops quoted the wrong post.

It was @RavenclawsPrincess post I was agreeing with

@whataboutsecondbreakfast and if she had been grateful I think that would have been understandable

the unreasonable but is that she’s annoyed that her MIL did not behave according to her required script

and she’s annoyed that they dared to actually think about the fact that their dogs couldn’t be just left locked up…

Absolutely - I've said that multiple times upthread :)

MIL sounds like a total wanker.

Of course you weren't unreasonable. What are families for?!

My dad is a month shy of 80 with poor mobility and eyesight. He would've jumped in a £70 taxi to help us in that situation, no questions asked

On your first point... yy especially if the dogs in question are smokers

Well that explains what my own dogs might have doing when they've been loitering in the garden all this time. Smoking, that's what! Just wonder were they got the money for their fags.

Im totally surprised that people would be ‘miffed’ or ‘annoyed’ to help out/see their poorly grandchild. You would think she called from Australia. 150 miles is not a difficult journey for the majority of people. They must have done that before (for a Wedding/holiday for example?) and they are being asked to do it for the most valid reason.

I hope she never bothers calling them for anything again.

@RavenclawsPrincess Yes, and having read OP's updates about her terrible mental health and her anxiety, I wonder if this has been the only time they've been called out for an emergency that didn't seem like much of an emergency when they got there.

As someone in my 60s I'm floored by the idea that the two 50-something retired grandparents who were the first to be asked to turn out were exhausted after 48 hours and needed to go and sleep during the day. The OP has made all these people in the prime of their lives sound as if they were in their doddery 80s. Something odd about the whole thing and I do wonder if this is a family that's struggling to cope with the demands imposed on them by OP's anxiety.

My parents would have been absolutely terrified and would have done anything to get to us as soon as possible.

I think my ex MIL would have been the same….maybe not ex FIL.