Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

Hi OP. I’ve had horrendous PTSD, PND, anxiety and depression in the past and the one thing I would say is everything was exacerbated for me. When I look back at situations that I was extremely upset over and had perceived it to be one way I now look at it and realise I was not thinking rationally and seeing something that wasn’t really there. I would just bear this in mind wrt to the whole situation and how your MiL reacted. I wish you well OP.

I think the question is if your MIL was ill and had been in hospital for 24 hours but now back home, would you drop everything and drive 260 miles in a day so your FIL and MIL could rest? I’m going to say no …

Maybe neither of them wanted to drive all that way alone in one day - it's a fair old journey to do last-minute.

Yep, this. If she can't help at the bad times, she doesn't get the good tines. Fuck her.

what on earth is it with people whingeing about perfectly normal MILs today? They're not huggy and smiley enough? I wouldn't have driven 2 hours each way alone, not knowing what i was going to find at the other end.

And given how the DIL reacted i would be disinclined to help out again.

120 miles isn't that far when your DC is involved. My DPs would offer to come before having to be asked. I hope I would do the same for my DCs in the future if ever needed.

Obviously there was not actually an urgent need for help at all in the OPs scenario but they OP and her DH have family not too far away so I can't understand why they wouldn't want to help.

To help out your son and his wife when they are distressed? It's not that far really.

If the grandparents were annoyed about helping their Son/daughter in law and seeing their poorly grandchild, I would quite frankly never bother making any effort again.

I imagine they dont often get asked to help (if ever before) so it must have been extreme circumstances for them to be asked. You dont turn up and act like that when its your grandchild. You rush there, call a friend and get them to help with the dogs and you offer as much emotional support as you can. Not giving even a hug is horrible in itself, its saying ‘we’ve shown up but dont actually want to be here’.

At least the OP knows who to spend Xmas and all the happy family occasions with in the future. I wouldn’t bother contacting them again.

Why would you not do this for your family if you could. If they desperately needed the help then it would be a no brainer for me. They should have said no if they didn't want to or didn't believe the situation warranted additional help. We don't know the OP so don't really know this.

Perhaps the OP and her DH desperately needed the help, or perhaps they are drama queens and the ILs are fed up of it. I am taking the OP as it reads though as assuming the former.

"On your first point... yy especially if the dogs in question are smokers"
@kittensinthekitchen - I'm sure you've heard of dander. It can make some people quite wheezy. Not something I'd want to risk with a baby with recent respiratory issues.

The reason for the journey doesn't change how difficult you might find it

It might be to help your children, but that doesn't stop the journey being long and tiring and not particularly pleasant.

We do that for a day out with the kids (nearest theme park is that far away from us). People easily do that for a beach day in the Summer.

That is nothing to see you poorly grandchild and help your family.

That sounds like an awful situation and your DPs do truly sound dreadful.
However in OPs scenario the ILs did come, only to find 4 adults in the house and the DC released from hospital.

Their main crime was apparently not being huggy or concerned enough and needing to leave to look after their dog.

Exactly-people will sit in traffic for 3 hours to get to the beach on a bank holiday. Not really too much to help your family in difficult circumstances.

I understand that but I just can't imagine being annoyed about it even if I was tired or showing anything other than support for my family. That's the bit I find odd. I would hate to think that family find it a PITA to help each other out.

Exactly, thousands of people travel 500 mile round trips every other weekend to watch their football teams play for 90 mins, we did this for years in our teens/twenties. Wouldn't cross my mind to find 120 mile drive an issue.

I just don't think it's a huge crime to show that you're a bit frustrated or pissed off with a situation. At the end of the day, they still turned up - at the end of the day, isn't that the bit that matters?

And they did go and help. They dropped everything, left their dog and drove 130 miles to find that there were already multiple adults around to help and the child was out of hospital and recovering at home.

They're humans, not saints. They're allowed to be a bit miffed that they dropped everything and drove to find that they weren't really needed.

This part does sound strange but only the OP and her DH know whether they really needed the help so I am assuming they felt they desperately did need them. My MIL used to get very tired looking after DC for a day, she was not naturally maternal but an absolutely lovely person. She would have only been able to help for a short time so this would potentially be the same for OPs mum.

Yes I guess, I suppose I would like to think if my child needed me I would happily do it but maybe there is more to all of this.

YABU and ungrateful I'm afraid. They arranged emergency care for their dogs (you clearly don't like that they prioritise their dogs, but that's the reality of having pets), dropped everything, drove a long way, turned up and helped when you needed them. Sorry they didn't have exactly the demeanour you wanted. Perhaps they were tired and stressed too.

But they did do it. The only "crime" appears to be that MIL wasn't affectionate enough and that they had to get home for the dog, lol.

Exactly-people will sit in traffic for 3 hours to get to the beach on a bank holiday. Not really too much to help your family in difficult circumstances.

I drive up to Yorkshire approx 3 times a year and I find it exhausting. It's 200 mile drive, I couldn't do more than that in one day. Everyone's different. I wouldn't spend 3 hours in traffic to get to a beach either

Bit miffed to see their poorly grandchild and help out?

How sad is that.

If your mum couldn’t cope with your other child and needed a break, why couldn’t your dad jump in and take over, so rotating between them? Nothing you have said requires 6 adults for 2 kids, and 4 adults for 1 child at that. They probably raced over thinking your other child needed urgent care to find they were being cared for between 2 adults, which is then what caused the wtf vibe.