Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

[JumpingFrogs12]

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

Exactly-you would think concern for her grandchild would come first. Mine would be driving through the night to help if needed.

I think what we have to remember in all situations is that we have no idea what is going on in other people's lives. You don't know what stresses and worries your in laws might have. You don't know what arrangements they may have had to cancel. They may not have both agreed with the plan. They may have rowed with each other. This may have been about something other than coming to you
They may have thought that you had enough people to cope without them.
Getting dog/ dogs looked after at drop off hat is not always easy and they may have felt bad about inconveniencing friends too.
Personally I think you should just be thankful they dropped everything and helped and stop trying to police the fact that they should have felt delighted about the opportunity!

Are your ILs still working if they are in their 50s?

@Hellybelly84 the thing is that it wasn’t needed though. There were FOUR adults in the house looking after two children. The medical emergency had passed.

the op wanted to be able to nap at the same time as her husband.and apparently her father was not able to do anything so MIL had to come to relieve her mother who had been there for a day.

I think asking for help in a emergency if absolutely fine.
But in this case you weren’t asking for help in an emergency. The crisis was over and you were asking for help because you were exhausted after a stressful and tiring 24 or 48 hours.
I don’t think asking a retired couple to do a 260 mile round trip in one day to give you a few hours break is reasonable.
All it does is increase the number of exhausted people.

I think they were very good to come.

It's so bizarre, the way posters project.

I have also had a young child blue lighted to hospital 3 times and my DH had to stay with the other 2 and ring me for updates. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.

Sorry just read that ILs are retired

You mean something like doing a 260 mile round trip to help out? That kind of concern?

I'ne had no answer to this question, so fingers crossed that you do.

It's a shame when families don't want to support each other. At least you know where their priorities are now and can adapt the relationship accordingly.

OP, I get it. There’s a lot of shitty people on this particular post, just walk away or ask MN to take it down. You’ve invoked the anger of the dog brigade.

@JumpingFrogs12, no you weren’t unreasonable to ask and they should have said no if they didn’t want to help, not been shitty to you.

Because sometimes you have to be tough, not kind.

"Be kind" is largely said to women, not men.

Does one person's need for kindness trump anothers?

It's frequently used to stop people demanding their perfectly fair and legitimate rights.

It's frequently used to stop people standing up for themselves.

It silences people who shouldn't be silenced.

There are loads of articles out there on the subject. Maybe look at a few.

This with bells on

They did a 260 mile round trip. How does that know show concern?

But the reality is they also have other commitments - their dogs - who can't just be left all day without the IL's arranging care. Despite that, and the OP having other help, they still drove for several hours to come and be there - and according to some on this thread, that's still not enough.

You can come and help someone out and be annoyed about doing so at the same time. It's not a crime to a bit pissed off at a last minute change of plan, even if it is to help out your child.

OP: My PIL did a 260-mile round trip to watch my child so me, my husband, my mum and my dad could rest.

MN: Your MIL is a cow! How unsupportive. Now you know where you stand with her.

It sounds to me as if the issue is that they sorted out last minute dog care, drove a long distance and got there to find no particular emergency that required their help.
They were probably somewhat bemused by the situation.

I think people are very weird. If my son was in trouble I'd be there in a flash and as long as he needed me but whenever I've asked my own parents for help my mother has always viciously verbally attacked me so I never ask them for anything now. Hardly ever see them either because they are just not interested in my life.
My own relationship with DS is totally different.

People on this thread are being so ridiculous towards OP. OP’s child was not breathing and presumably there was a fear they might die. Of course you reach out to anyone in that scenario no matter if they lived 120 miles away.

Ah okay, so we're only obliged to #bekind in front of the person? Isn't that a bit performative?

On your first point... yy especially if the dogs in question are smokers

To be fair they can't just leave dogs alone overnight esp last minute as not always possible to get a sitter but then normally someone would just say this when agreeing to help and still be more than happy to help for the time they could so they sound odd.

YANBU My parents (retired for years, in good health and both drive) had a 'lunch' appointment and were 'too busy' to come and look after their 3 young grandchildren. Reason for me asking was .....
I was being driven to hospital by my husband because I was having a miscarriage. We ended up taking all 3 children to the hospital literally in their pyjamas! Then I had to go back to hospital a couple of days later in a taxi on my own (20 miles both ways) for a D&C. Obviously had to lie to the hospital about my travel arrangements!
Families eh!!!

Sorry meant to add, in those circumstances I would expect one person to stay with dogs and one person to come and help.

This is so right. Be kind is the wrong thing to say in some circumstances.
In this case

Because sometimes you have to be tough, not kind.
Posters were beyond tough, they were unkind, dismissing OP's feelings about her situation.

"Be kind" is largely said to women, not men.
Because usually it is women on the giving/receiving end of such criticism.

Does one person's need for kindness trump anothers?

It's frequently used to stop people demanding their perfectly fair and legitimate rights.
Not applicable in this situation.

It's frequently used to stop people standing up for themselves.
dito

It silences people who shouldn't be silenced.
dito

There are loads of articles out there on the subject. Maybe look at a few.
I've never seen any but will look now.

Whilst I appreciate that the phrase maybe over used and used inappropriately this ought not to mean that it can't be used.

Maybe Don't be unkind is better!