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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was it OK to ask family for help in this very stressful situation??

583 replies

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 08:46

We had an emergency this week. One year old dc2 had to be ambulanced to hospital. It was very sudden and terrifying. We have another child who has special needs and stayed with one set of grandparents while we were at the hospital. Dc2's condition took a while to stabilise but we were discharged the following day. Had to go back in a few hours later unfortunately but then discharged again. Dh and I were absolutely exhausted.

Whilst in hospital, we asked the other set of grandparents if they'd be able to come to us and help at all. Especially with dc1 to give myself, dh and his other nan a break, get some sleep, look after dc2, etc. These grandparents live 130 miles away so not local. However, they do drive, are retired but in good health to our knowledge. They said they'd come the next day for a few hours.

When they arrived, I could just tell there was an edge to them. Fil asked a bit about about dc2 but MIL didn't. She wasn't empathic at all, no hugs, nothing. I felt like we'd put them out for the day. She was also very eager to leave once they'd done their help with dc1.

We appreciated them coming. They've driven to us in a day and back before but on their terms, not because we've asked. After the week we've had, I've been an emotional wreck and maybe I'm just being sensitive but it puts me off asking for help in that way again. I really felt like they resented coming even though their grandchild had been seriously ill in hospital. When they come to see us, they come for the arranged well in advance nice bits.

But if you can't ask family to help when there's been an emergency and everyone's struggling, when can you?
Were we wrong to ask? Should we never ask again?

OP posts:
AlmondBake · 15/01/2023 12:04

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/01/2023 11:57

Why didn’t they bring the dogs?

Why does that matter? They didn't and presumably had reasons for not doing so. Dogs may be poor travellers, may be old/arthritic/ill, may be unwelcome in the op's house - any number of reasons really.

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 15/01/2023 12:05

JumpingFrogs12 · 15/01/2023 11:15

@ChardonnaysBeastlyCat I some ways because their attitude and mil's mood was unpleasant and almost rude so I could have done without that in hindsight. Just felt awful for asking and guilty to be honest. So we won't do it again.

I've been so mentally ill myself recently, I'm really at breaking point.

Show quote history

I understand where you are coming from, you would have appreciated the clarity, absolutely.

Mental health issues are exhausting and dealing with a sick child on top of that even more so, and you have my symphony for this.

One thing I do wonder, though, you say they prioritise their dogs and I wonder of you see that as in expense of your children and maybe that clouds your judgement. They do have responsibilities to their dogs, they can't just drop them, even if they did want to do that. I'm sure that doesn't mean they don't love their grandchildren.

Patineur · 15/01/2023 12:06

Famlies can be very odd. When I had DC3, my mother (who lived around 10 miles away) made elaborate plans to be away at the expected birth date essentially because she didn't approve of our having a third child. I had to go into hospital early with high blood pressure and suspected pre-eclampsia, she was at home, she still refused to come and help with the other children - fortunately our neighbour rallied round so that DH could at least take me to hospital. Ultimately it was my MIL, God bless her, who dropped everything and travelled 100 miles to come and help till the baby was born. I never quite forgave my mother for that one.

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 15/01/2023 12:06

sympathy

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/01/2023 12:07

knittingaddict · 15/01/2023 12:02

So many possible reasons.

My daughter's dog is a nervous wreck in the car. Shakes like a leaf and is continually car sick.

Also why drag more than one dog on a long car journey when it was avoidable. Also how much help could they be with at least two dogs needing their attention?

Show quote history

I have dogs I get that this could be a factor. I really wanted an answer from the op. I am wondering if they’re not allowed around the gcs for some reason. Just they could potentially have avoided doing the journey in a day had they brought them.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 15/01/2023 12:08

CheshireDing · 15/01/2023 09:02

Tbh I can’t believe you asked someone who was 130 miles away. Could you not have rotated between you and your DH as to who was at hospital and who at home ? It’s a long way to ask anyone to come for a day, especially older people

One if our DC was in hospital for the whole Easter weekend when they were still at nursery and we had others at home. We just had to share the hideousness between us

I’m with this. When ours were small we couldn’t have help from grandparents (genuine ill health) so one of us would have gone to the hospital and the other stays home. It doesn’t take 5 adults to look after 2 children. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/01/2023 12:10

AlmondBake · 15/01/2023 12:04

Why does that matter? They didn't and presumably had reasons for not doing so. Dogs may be poor travellers, may be old/arthritic/ill, may be unwelcome in the op's house - any number of reasons really.

Show quote history

And that’s why i asked 🤷‍♀️

user1471538283 · 15/01/2023 12:10

My DM was like this. She would only visit if it revolved around her. She never once had my DS on her own to do anything not even watch TV or do a puzzle. Even when she offered to help, the help consisted of her physical presence sitting there obsessing about her ridiculous problems so I had to look after her as well as my DS. I eventually went NC with her because amongst other things there was no point. She never even tried to develop a relationship with my DS. She had help with me though from both sides because my DGPs wanted a relationship with me.

My DF would drop everything to help in anyway possible at any time wherever we were. He once drove at night hundreds of miles because I had the flu. If my DS wanted anything at any time he was there. He is the DGP I want to be.

I wouldn't bother asking them again.

Edinburghmusing · 15/01/2023 12:11

Why couldn’t your father do what you expected your MIL to do??

MsRosley · 15/01/2023 12:12

You weren’t unreasonable to ask, they weren’t unreasonable to feel some kind of way about it. I think you can ask them to be present but you can’t stipulate that they must behave and feel a certain way about it all.

Disagree. While they're entitled to feel a certain way about it, they are not entitled to act it out in front of OP in what was an already stressful situation. If they couldn't behave like decent adults, they shouldn't have gone at all.

Notonthestairs · 15/01/2023 12:15

I don't think I'd take dogs to a home where a child has recently had respiratory issues. Nor would I attempt to look after small children and manage my dog's excitement in a strange and busy environment. It wouldn't leave me free to focus on offering practical assistance.
Plus the Op seems to resent the dogs in any event so I doubt she'd welcome them in.

cadburyegg · 15/01/2023 12:16

You were all being unreasonable.

Your dh's parents were being silly in agreeing to come and then being stroppy about it. Was there a miscommunication, did they not realise your parents were helping too?

But they had to do a 260 mile trip in one day. They would have been exhausted. You were being unreasonable in roping in 4 adults to help you with 2 children.

It's a bit of a luxury to have 2 parents at the hospital with an unwell child tbh. Plenty of people have more than one child to look after! My friend had her dc1 seriously ill in hospital before Christmas and her dh was with dc1 the whole time but my friend couldn't be there all of the time because she had a breastfed baby to get back to.

I'm a single parent of two and I'd have to tag team with either my ex or my mum if one of them was in hospital.

I think you're bloody lucky to have so much support tbh.

NewDogOwner · 15/01/2023 12:16

130 miles is a long way for two people to travel. I mean this gently, but you could have taken shifts and if you are both exhausted ( which you understandably will be with this terrible time) you take a few days off and snuggle in at home together to allow yourselves to rest. Most people I know would have tried to manage.

PeachyPoppedBack · 15/01/2023 12:17

Of course it’s ok to ask. What kind of a world would it be if nobody could ask for help? How would anything ever get done?

They of course would be entitled to say no and that’s also fine.

You did nothing wrong at all. Perhaps she was tired, they had a row in the car, etc

bridgetreilly · 15/01/2023 12:18

It does seem strange to me that you weren’t able to manage with four adults looking after two children, tbh.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/01/2023 12:21

I think it was fine to ask. They could also reasonably have said no if they didn’t want to come, so were unreasonable to come and then sulk.

I do think that perhaps have the initial scare, you and DH could have rotated who was at the hospital and who at home. This would have meant you weren’t both totally exhausted at the same time - one could have gone home, napped, then relieved GPs to look after dc1, then when the other parent came home with dc2, they could have had a nap whilst the first parent took care of things. You’d also then be able to ask GPs1 to come back another day.

skyeisthelimit · 15/01/2023 12:24

OP , if you want more balanced advice, I think maybe next time, post in Chat or Relationships as they don't seem to attract the same posters looking to rip people to shreds no matter what the problem is.

PeachyPoppedBack · 15/01/2023 12:24

SpringSparrow · 15/01/2023 10:53

How old are the in-laws? Tbh I didn’t have any help when my children were small. My mum was clear she want going to be helping as she didn’t have any help as she often told me. My in laws would have helped but they were over three hours away. I made mum friends and we babysat for each other when necessary.

Not everyone’s experience but that can be infinitely harder if a child has sen. My now adult son couldn’t cope being around other kids without melting down, RL mum friends gradually melted away and I don’t blame them- thank goodness for the internet. Now I’m of an age where my sen sons still need me at home and all my school friends and most of my online ones are long settled back into careers, I’m boring to socialise with as I haven’t moved on (and DH works evenings weekends anyway so can’t just go get drunk)- so new friendships die as well. When my parents get too old we’ll have no back ups, I’m not unusual in that.

Quinoawoman · 15/01/2023 12:24

There's a lot of 'why didn't you just...?' On this thread. Why didn't you 'just' think clearly when in the middle of an extremely stressful and frightening situation???

OP, you were not unreasonable to ask for help and your MIL's attitude stinks. I'd avoid asking them in future.

netto · 15/01/2023 12:26

kittensinthekitchen · 15/01/2023 11:57

@netto

Whatever happened to "Be Kind"????

Where's the kindness towards the woman who arranged emergency care for her dogs and travelled 260 miles? Does kindness only apply if you're here to give your (half) version of the situation?

The woman to whom you refer isn't on here asking for support. Likelihood is she won't see this.

Hellybelly84 · 15/01/2023 12:26

I wouldn’t be asking her for anything ever again (if she cant put herself out for a day for her grandchild without acting moody). I could call either grandparents at 2am and they would drive if they were needed in an emergency. Even if it massively inconvenienced them, theres no way they would turn up behaving like that.

I hope you wont go out of your way to do anything for them ever again-I know which set of grandparents i’d be choosing to spend time with in the future.

Orangepolentacake · 15/01/2023 12:27

Patineur · 15/01/2023 12:06

Famlies can be very odd. When I had DC3, my mother (who lived around 10 miles away) made elaborate plans to be away at the expected birth date essentially because she didn't approve of our having a third child. I had to go into hospital early with high blood pressure and suspected pre-eclampsia, she was at home, she still refused to come and help with the other children - fortunately our neighbour rallied round so that DH could at least take me to hospital. Ultimately it was my MIL, God bless her, who dropped everything and travelled 100 miles to come and help till the baby was born. I never quite forgave my mother for that one.

wow that’s terrible

Quinoawoman · 15/01/2023 12:27

It would not have been difficult for her to show a little concern for her poorly grandchild.

I don't get this whole 'I didn't have any help so you shouldn't either' attitude. Surely if you can make soneone else's experience a bit less shit than your own, you would? Is that not just being a decent human?

netto · 15/01/2023 12:27

knittingaddict · 15/01/2023 11:58

"Be Kind" is a very problematic concept.

Please can you explain why?

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 15/01/2023 12:28

Honestly, people questioning OP as to why both she and her DH were in the hospital - tell me, how do you have that conversation to discuss who will be the parent there when the child may die? Toss a coin? First dibs? FFS.

Hope your DC are both doing well now, OP, and yes you should have asked for help. For there to be petty attitude about a one off emergency is crappy behaviour - and having dogs is no excuse.