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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partners friend sending inappropriate images

160 replies

lucie333 · 15/01/2023 01:26

So me and my partner have got 2 boys together. 3 & 9 months. I'm very hurt by what I've just seen. My iPad was connected to his fb messenger app and when I was watching a film I seen that his friend had sent what I thought was me 14 photos on fb messenger so I clicked on them! It was 14 images of women from our town ( naked) no idea why he has them as he has a girl friend himself! He's out with him now obviously thinking about it. Am I being dramatic thinking I need to leave this relationship?

OP posts:
Orangepolentacake · 15/01/2023 12:24

SoMachoHesGottaBe · 15/01/2023 12:19

To the people mentioning the police, that is for the women in the pictures to decide. The last thing I would want is the pictures going around the police station and further afield as they will be evidence and need to be viewed by multiple people which would be horrendously triggering and compound the initial violations considerably. The women get to choose how to proceed from here, we’ll don’t for tracking them down OP.

Agree

Newlifestartingatlast · 15/01/2023 12:28

NeuroWasabi · 15/01/2023 03:46

Do you know that gross men collect photos of women - their partners, ex partners and maybe women they've stolen photos from - and trade them online? I saw a TV program (panorama?) about it. These disgusting, misogynistic POS men then try to find out who the women are, where they live etc and even send the photos or footage to their families. It's unbelievable.

So if I were you, my first concern would be for the women involved. I'd forward the email to your personal email, so you have evidence (it will show where the email originated). I would send the women involved the photos, explain what happened and ask if they're aware of the photos being shared and was it done with their consent. Then, if any of them say no, I'd contact the police, because I think this can be a crime.

For your relationship, I think a lot would depend on whether your partner was OK with the photos being shared with him. I don't think I could stay with someone who'd done that and was OK with it, not just because it's cheating, but because he couldn't know whether the women gave consent for it, so he's showing he's OK with them being abused.

I was going to say the same thing. There are known to be groups of men operating web sites who trade pictures of their ex’s or current partners in particular local areas. Apparently they get a kick out of potentially seeing the women in real life including things like their mates partners.
it is illegal, horrific, twisted.
Do not ignore.
id speak to your partner, op, and say you’re reporting to police. Depending on his response when you raise it with him, you’ll need to make the decision over whether you think he’s been viewing- if he has then I’d leave after insisting on going through all his photos and deleting any of me, clothed or not. Also check with him on historical feed to ensure there are no images of me either.

I wouldn’t contact the women yourself. Leave that to police. Write down names of women you recognise and mens name on the feed and give to police. It may be legit , but unlikely, so let the police deal with it

MsRosley · 15/01/2023 13:00

I'm stuck wondering why any sane woman would send nude pictures of themselves to anyone.

MsRosley · 15/01/2023 13:01

Newlifestartingatlast · 15/01/2023 12:28

I was going to say the same thing. There are known to be groups of men operating web sites who trade pictures of their ex’s or current partners in particular local areas. Apparently they get a kick out of potentially seeing the women in real life including things like their mates partners.
it is illegal, horrific, twisted.
Do not ignore.
id speak to your partner, op, and say you’re reporting to police. Depending on his response when you raise it with him, you’ll need to make the decision over whether you think he’s been viewing- if he has then I’d leave after insisting on going through all his photos and deleting any of me, clothed or not. Also check with him on historical feed to ensure there are no images of me either.

I wouldn’t contact the women yourself. Leave that to police. Write down names of women you recognise and mens name on the feed and give to police. It may be legit , but unlikely, so let the police deal with it

Show quote history

Absolutely agree, @Newlifestartingatlast

Calphurnia88 · 15/01/2023 13:07

MsRosley · 15/01/2023 13:00

I'm stuck wondering why any sane woman would send nude pictures of themselves to anyone.

Because they thought they were doing so within the confines of a safe relationship? Because they were pressured to?

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't personally send nude photos of myself (far too risk averse) but I can understand how it happens. Let's not blame the women here.

MsRosley · 15/01/2023 13:14

Calphurnia88 · 15/01/2023 13:07

Because they thought they were doing so within the confines of a safe relationship? Because they were pressured to?

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't personally send nude photos of myself (far too risk averse) but I can understand how it happens. Let's not blame the women here.

Show quote history

@Calphurnia88 Not blaming them at all. Just wondering what compels them to do it. I think we need to educate young women more about the consequences and how to resist pressure from men asking them to do it.

humblesims · 15/01/2023 13:40

I just feel like I've let my boys down
You havent let them down. Your partner is letting them (and you) down. You cannot make right your parents bad/broken marriage by staying in your own bad/broken marriage.

Clairedelaplume · 15/01/2023 13:44

Is it anything to do with this misogynistic horror?
amp.theguardian.com/world/2022/jan/06/i-have-moments-of-shame-i-cant-control-the-lives-ruined-by-explicit-collector-culture

DoomedForLoneliness · 15/01/2023 14:04

Clairedelaplume · 15/01/2023 13:44

”One general study of intimate image abuse across Australia, New Zealand and the UK suggests one in five men have been perpetrators, and during lockdown – when online activity replaced real-life interactions – calls to the RPH doubled.”

That is absolutely terrifying!
How the hell is anyone woman supposed to trust any man?
You can’t even protect yourself truly, since men can so easily take pictures of you ever even knowing it….

Rhaych2003 · 15/01/2023 14:46

Omg girl! Contact the girlfriend and tell her, how would you feel if it was you? Also if you know the women let them know, some may have been taken without consent.

Confront you’re partner and ask him why his mate would send those to him??? Would give me a little inkling they’ve been discussing it….

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 15/01/2023 16:38

lucie333 · 15/01/2023 08:50

I managed to get a hold of one of the girls on social media, currently searching for the other girl! I will leave it up to them to decide what they want to do

well done
if shared without consent I hope the women go to the police

Testingtesting1212 · 15/01/2023 19:33

Do these women know their nudes are being passed around as wank fodder for dirty creeps?

ree348 · 15/01/2023 20:20

Very disturbing OP, I hope you are ok and well done for informing them!!

After reading the guardian link I just hope he hasn't posted any nude photos of you...

NeuroWasabi · 15/01/2023 21:19

Just to clarify, I was only saying to forward the email on so that you can provide it to the police, for evidence. Otherwise it's just hearsay. I'm not sure they would take steps to recover a deleted email based on this severity of crime?

Howyiz · 15/01/2023 21:49

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 15/01/2023 01:57

Op personally I would contact the women involved and ask if they know their nude pictures are being shared. That’s absolutely not ok

100% this.

redressgirl · 15/01/2023 22:17

i’d be confronting my partner but i would not be happy about it

Original poster
lucie333 · 16/01/2023 09:13

update
I got a hold of both girls 1 who doesn't want to take it further 2nd girl is unsure- so we will see how things plan out. I have also told the friend in question he has to tell his girlfriend or I will! Men can't keep getting away with shit like this ! The first girl I spoke to said they came from her onlyfans account (no judgement from me ) makes it even worse that he's paying for pictures of girls when he has a girlfriend & then forwarding them on like that normal behaviour🤢

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 16/01/2023 09:26

That isn't nice. I was going to ask if they might be from only fans. I think that if they have shared content of themselves naked willingly on only fans then it's kind of expected that men will use the photos in this way.

It would be different if it was a photo taken privately between a couple then shared.

It's a modern day equivalent of passing round a porn mag. So in theory they haven't really done anything wrong to the women as the photos were there for anyone to see. However it's all a bit school boy & they're obviously getting a thrill out of sharing naked photos. I don't think he sounds a great catch.

Judgyjudgy · 16/01/2023 09:26

You are a legend OP 🙌

converseandjeans · 16/01/2023 09:28

he's paying for pictures of girls when he has a girlfriend & then forwarding them on like that normal behaviour🤢

I imagine this is quite common. I find it sad that young girls are making a fortune out of pervy men. They must have loads of weirdos following them.

TicketBoo23 · 16/01/2023 09:38

Birds of a feather flock together.

Your partner's close mate is paying for nude photos of local women on only fans for his use and then passing them onto your partner and whoever else for masturbation.

Delightful.

I wonder how he'd feel if his gf (or you) were doing that with nude or sexy pics young gym bunnies or men with sizeable "assets" from your region. Would it be fine then?

Your partner has been caught messaging etc other women, as well as happily taking these only fans pics.

I wouldn't trust either of them not to cheat if they got the chance.

At the very least, they also treat their partners extremely disrespectfully. They'd not take this type of behaviour from you two, I'm sure.

You haven't failed at keeping a relationship together. He has.

TicketBoo23 · 16/01/2023 09:41

Fair play to you for making the women aware.

With the only fans woman, she had to know that when she offers her nude photos for sale that the person who buys them may well pass them on to whoever/wherever. I doubt there's much she can do if this bothers her

The other woman , who knows. But if they're not off only fabs, the mate has been cheating in order to get them (unless they're from before his current gf). Id also seriously doubt she would be ok with them bring shared.

TicketBoo23 · 16/01/2023 09:45

makes it even worse that he's paying for pictures of girls when he has a girlfriend & then forwarding them on like that normal behaviour🤢

Aside from the moral aspects (and the fact I bet he'd never accept her doing the equivalent) he's spending their household money (family money if they have any kids) on nudes of local women ... When there are a billion free photos online.

They like them to be "real", to be local, to be someone they can see around, and sleaze over/laugh at, feel good cause they know what they look like naked. They can fantasise about going home with having sex with them, with accurate reference photos.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/01/2023 09:47

If you thought they were you, then that must mean he has naked images of you - I'd be concerned about whether he has shared those with his mates!

BadNomad · 16/01/2023 09:54

makes it even worse that he's paying for pictures of girls when he has a girlfriend

You don't know that he paid for them. Where did the other woman say he got the photos from?