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Original poster

Partners friend sending inappropriate images

160 replies

lucie333 · 15/01/2023 01:26

So me and my partner have got 2 boys together. 3 & 9 months. I'm very hurt by what I've just seen. My iPad was connected to his fb messenger app and when I was watching a film I seen that his friend had sent what I thought was me 14 photos on fb messenger so I clicked on them! It was 14 images of women from our town ( naked) no idea why he has them as he has a girl friend himself! He's out with him now obviously thinking about it. Am I being dramatic thinking I need to leave this relationship?

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 15/01/2023 10:00

"I'd forward the email to your personal email, so you have evidence (it will show where the email originated)"

If a crime has been committed (eg revenge porn or voyerism), wouldn't that make OP complicit?

toocold54 · 15/01/2023 10:09

This isn’t your partners fault it’s his friends.

It’s absolutely vile that he’s sending photos of these women on and the women need to know and report him.
Keep the images but do not send them on.

MadeOfSteel · 15/01/2023 10:16

You haven't let your kids down, OP. He has. You, and they, deserve better.

HoppingAndHoping · 15/01/2023 10:29

This does sound as if it could be a revenge porn scenario.
Well done for contacting the girls, I agree.

But this just seems so strange... Or is it normal for any man (especially one in a relationship but even single) to possess nude photos of several local women / where several local women are clearly identifiable?

They could be deepfakes, I suppose. Which would be concerning as well.

I would also think that proof might be a good opinion. But you wouldn't want to duplicate them or posess them yourself if it's illegal pornography.

Bertha21 · 15/01/2023 10:30

You’ve done the right thing.
This shows how locally if one person sends a image it escalates. I presume men sharing with their friends?
I hope your ok.
It is hugely disrespectful of your partners friend and your partner to think this is ok.

BringerOfDoom · 15/01/2023 10:39

OP I'm not trying to scare you buy I dated someone like this and I found out they were passing around pictures of me to their friends without my consent. It's been well over ten years and I still have panic attacks thinking about it. Him and all of his friends just collected pictures of their girlfriends and shared them around. I discovered they were making fun of their bodies and sharing intimate moments and stories of them in bed and mocking them in vulnerable moments.

I was suicidal for a few years and struggled to trust men afterwards. I still panic when I'm getting dressed worried someone is taking pictures of me. I was a teenager then so I got him charged on the grounds that it was technically child porn (I was 17) but it seems he didn't learn his lesson as some of my old friends say he's in his 30's and still doing the same thing. Of course he is single and thinks it's women's high expectations that are too blame for his singleness. NOT the fact that he has zero respect for them and their bodies. 🙄

I couldn't believe it at the time because he seemed so respectful and sweet. I guess it was all a show. What a stupid girl I was too trust him... It seems there were red flags from the beginning but I didn't see them...

HoppingAndHoping · 15/01/2023 10:46

BringerOfDoom · 15/01/2023 10:39

OP I'm not trying to scare you buy I dated someone like this and I found out they were passing around pictures of me to their friends without my consent. It's been well over ten years and I still have panic attacks thinking about it. Him and all of his friends just collected pictures of their girlfriends and shared them around. I discovered they were making fun of their bodies and sharing intimate moments and stories of them in bed and mocking them in vulnerable moments.

I was suicidal for a few years and struggled to trust men afterwards. I still panic when I'm getting dressed worried someone is taking pictures of me. I was a teenager then so I got him charged on the grounds that it was technically child porn (I was 17) but it seems he didn't learn his lesson as some of my old friends say he's in his 30's and still doing the same thing. Of course he is single and thinks it's women's high expectations that are too blame for his singleness. NOT the fact that he has zero respect for them and their bodies. 🙄

I couldn't believe it at the time because he seemed so respectful and sweet. I guess it was all a show. What a stupid girl I was too trust him... It seems there were red flags from the beginning but I didn't see them...

I do not think you were stupid. Predators are simply very very good at pretending to be decent people.

That pretence is what gives them access and enables them to prey on people!

That's why some* of the "loveliest, kindest, oh so helpful and generous" people end up being arseholes, narcs, actual sex offenders etc. The people we would have never suspected. And not some stereotypical creep.

*DISCLAIMER: I am obviously not saying that all lovely, kind and generous people are like that.

Calphurnia88 · 15/01/2023 10:49

A couple of people have mentioned deepfakes.

Whilst not outside of the realms of the possible, I think in this scenario occum's razor applies (the simplest explanation being the most likely - that the partner's friend has acquired nude photos of known women and is sharing them without their consent).

Either way it's a police matter, since sharing deepfake porn without consent is also criminalised.

ForeverWeBlend · 15/01/2023 10:50

Another vote for the police - this is shocking behaviour and it needs to be stopped.

HoppingAndHoping · 15/01/2023 10:52

I think you should contact the police.

HoppingAndHoping · 15/01/2023 10:55

Calphurnia88 · 15/01/2023 10:49

A couple of people have mentioned deepfakes.

Whilst not outside of the realms of the possible, I think in this scenario occum's razor applies (the simplest explanation being the most likely - that the partner's friend has acquired nude photos of known women and is sharing them without their consent).

Either way it's a police matter, since sharing deepfake porn without consent is also criminalised.

Deepfakes actually seem more realistic to me (nude / revealing pictures with my face on show are just something I - and afaik many of my femaile friend - would not take). They could have been taken without consent but it doesn't sound like that kind of picture according to the OP...

But in any case: Whether deepfakes, revenge porn or picture taken without consent... The longer I think about it the more horrifying it is. I hope OP contacts the police.

BringerOfDoom · 15/01/2023 11:01

HoppingAndHoping · 15/01/2023 10:46

I do not think you were stupid. Predators are simply very very good at pretending to be decent people.

That pretence is what gives them access and enables them to prey on people!

That's why some* of the "loveliest, kindest, oh so helpful and generous" people end up being arseholes, narcs, actual sex offenders etc. The people we would have never suspected. And not some stereotypical creep.

*DISCLAIMER: I am obviously not saying that all lovely, kind and generous people are like that.

Show quote history

Thank you for your kind words. It's hard not to kick myself when I think of it. He always said stupid things like "bros before hoes" but I niavely shrugged it off as silly things boys just say as a joke and didn't think much of it. I thought it held no meaning. It turns out he thought of me as an actual hoe I suppose. I never took a "joke" for granted again after that. I have a very low tolerance for it now. He was the straw that broke this camels back as I never dated a Christian man after that as he was the last in a long line of Christian boyfriends that turned out to be absolutely deplorable people. It turned me completely secular.

LadyEloise1 · 15/01/2023 11:01

@lucie333
You write ".....I just feel that I've let my boys down...."

You haven't let your children down. **
Your partner has.
Big time.
Disrespecting their mother.
He's a tosser. Sad

BringerOfDoom · 15/01/2023 11:04

HoppingAndHoping · 15/01/2023 10:55

Deepfakes actually seem more realistic to me (nude / revealing pictures with my face on show are just something I - and afaik many of my femaile friend - would not take). They could have been taken without consent but it doesn't sound like that kind of picture according to the OP...

But in any case: Whether deepfakes, revenge porn or picture taken without consent... The longer I think about it the more horrifying it is. I hope OP contacts the police.

Show quote history

I didn't pose for my pictures. He pretended he was texting in front of me when he took it. There are clever men in this world... Don't think they don't have ways to trick women into these situations..

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/01/2023 11:06

Your partner and his friend are revolting. If you stay with him after this, you are giving him free rein to continue to treat you badly.

Maytodecember · 15/01/2023 11:22

lucie333 · 15/01/2023 08:50

I managed to get a hold of one of the girls on social media, currently searching for the other girl! I will leave it up to them to decide what they want to do

While it’s good of you to notify the women in photos how they’re being distributed, I think you need to concentrate on yourself.
Your partner has let you down badly. Your children are better off with a strong, caring, loving, confident mum than an upset mum and a flaky dad.
Take your time to let him know what you think of him and plan your way out. None of this is on you.

MadeForThis · 15/01/2023 11:25

Well done for letting the women know. Your DH needs to go too. Stay strong xx

Coffeecreme · 15/01/2023 11:36

i also think you need to concentrate on yourself.
not the other women.

Lilyball · 15/01/2023 11:45

lucie333 · 15/01/2023 08:50

I managed to get a hold of one of the girls on social media, currently searching for the other girl! I will leave it up to them to decide what they want to do

Well done OP, you did the right thing. That was very brave.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 15/01/2023 11:50

Sorry you're going through this OP. You and your boys deserve better ❤️

mistahclarke · 15/01/2023 12:03

You definitely need a conversation about it but no need to jump the gun and assume the worst. He can't control what people are sending him.

Two ways you can do it:

  1. Be upfront and see the reaction. If there is trust he will show you his whatsapp and phone to show you nothing to hide.
  2. Of course, he may get defensive and hide everything which makes things more suspicious. From experience, you might be better to sneak a peak when it's not expected. Then once clued up can talk about.

Just from my experience, when I asked my wife why she was acting weird after an overnight work party, the first thing she did was get super aggressive and then furiously deleted a load of things from her phone. And now I'll never know and have to assume the worst. Before that I would have suggested the adult approach, but to be honest that really did not work out well for me.

Toomanysleepycats · 15/01/2023 12:05

I’m rushing out the door so I hadn’t had time to read all the replies.

It may have already been said,but I read that there is subset of men who take naked photos of their wives and girlfriends, with their consent.

But, these men then share these naked photos and exchange these photos between themselves. It is done for a laugh and kudos. This is not with the consent of the women involved. It is possible that all the wives/girlfriends in your partners male friendship group need to be warned. Sorry, but that may include you if you’ve ever consented to naked photos with your partner.

I also believe that there is actually a law about sending theses sorts of photos to other people. So your partners friend may be guilty of this. There’s nothing wrong if you receive them.

Im glad to hear that you are contacting the women involved.

I know this is really upsetting but looking at the big picture, it may be for the good that this has happened. It will stop them doing this other woman in the future and hopefully will put a stop to this abuse of the women involved now. It is also possible that someone may call the police.

Good on you op for calling it out.

BubziOwl · 15/01/2023 12:17

OP, I'm so glad you messaged one of the girls. That can't have been easy, but it's the right thing to do so well done.

I don't want to jump to conclusions and alarm you, but I'd be really concerned about any pictures you've ever sent him or ones he may have taken with or without your consent Sad

What a vile man. I also had parents who are split up, and I actually wish more than anything that my mum would have left my dad earlier so we didn't have to be around him mistreating her for so long. I want my children to have a 'normal' family too, but if my husband ever mistreats me in such an awful way, then I view splitting up as the best thing for the children.

SoMachoHesGottaBe · 15/01/2023 12:19

To the people mentioning the police, that is for the women in the pictures to decide. The last thing I would want is the pictures going around the police station and further afield as they will be evidence and need to be viewed by multiple people which would be horrendously triggering and compound the initial violations considerably. The women get to choose how to proceed from here, we’ll don’t for tracking them down OP.

SoMachoHesGottaBe · 15/01/2023 12:20

Well done*