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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partners friend sending inappropriate images

160 replies

lucie333 · 15/01/2023 01:26

So me and my partner have got 2 boys together. 3 & 9 months. I'm very hurt by what I've just seen. My iPad was connected to his fb messenger app and when I was watching a film I seen that his friend had sent what I thought was me 14 photos on fb messenger so I clicked on them! It was 14 images of women from our town ( naked) no idea why he has them as he has a girl friend himself! He's out with him now obviously thinking about it. Am I being dramatic thinking I need to leave this relationship?

OP posts:
Greenfairydust · 15/01/2023 08:31

OP, having seen your update report both your partner and his friend to the police.

SlaveToTheVibe · 15/01/2023 08:32

Agree with op speak to your partner x

Stunningscreamer · 15/01/2023 08:33

lucie333 · 15/01/2023 08:29

update

I have spoken to him he has admitted they were fore his own pleasure! I think you can all guess what that means. I can't spend my life feeling like I'm not good enough, I can't even look at him- he knows this would have hurt me as he knows my boundaries, as I've made it clear when he crossed them before. He knows passing explicit images of women his wrong, and he did it anyway.

Sorry but this isn't just about you and feeling good enough.

It's far more shitty that he's using photos of women he knows without their consent to wank over.

The illicit nature of it is what is turning him on as there are tons of naked photos online. Using photos of women without their consent and knowledge adds an extra buzz to it. 🤮

Aussiegirl123456 · 15/01/2023 08:35

Greenfairydust · 15/01/2023 08:31

OP, having seen your update report both your partner and his friend to the police.

Same. They (men) will think no harm done etc and won’t see that their actions are abhorrent until they start getting reprimanded for them. It’s vile. Those poor women. And poor you. Get rid of the loser to make way for some other man who will make you feel like the only woman in the world.

SpaceBunInstaHun · 15/01/2023 08:35

Those women are victims, they've sent to images with trust.
Hes masturbating to sexually exploited local women.

I'd honestly ring the police, let them deal with him.

I'm so sorry x

Outtasteamandluck · 15/01/2023 08:38

Sorry but this isn't just about you and feeling good enough.

Agree with this. 👆🏻

Calphurnia88 · 15/01/2023 08:40

OK two things.

First thing. Your relationship...

The fact that the photos were of local women, and that the person sending them was out with your partner at the time they were sent, would definitely raise my suspicions.

Without further information it would be extreme to say you should leave your partner, but I would be confronting him with this information and asking for an explanation. Obviously if he has form for this kind of behaviour you need to take this into consideration too.

Second thing. The photos...

As others have mentioned I would also be very concerned for the women. Presumably they don't know that naked photos of themselves are being circulated.

It could also get your partners friend, and your partner too if he sends the images on further, into serious trouble.

Since 2015 in England and Wales, it has been an offence for someone to share a private sexual image or video (online or offline) of someone without their consent and with the intention of causing them distress. Under Section 33 of the Criminal Justice and Court Act 2015, this offence is punishable by up to two years in prison.

Original poster
lucie333 · 15/01/2023 08:41

MsDogLady · 15/01/2023 05:18

Lucie, in July you told your P to leave because he was repeatedly searching and looking at a particular woman’s revealing photos on FB. You felt highly disrespected. This was shortly after you gave birth to your new baby.

You already had a bad feeling about this woman. During your pregnancy, P had added her to another platform and she had messaged him. He told you he’d deleted her there, but here he was drooling over her FB pictures. He said he had no ‘intentions.’

P’s friend is a misogynistic sleaze who enjoys sharing his arousal with P. He clearly assumed that P would welcome being sent the nudes of these local women. As they were out together when the photos came through, it’s probable that P knew they were in the pipeline…and may have asked for them.

Lucie, under what conditions did you allow P to return?

Hi thanks for your reply. I grew up with separated parents & I wanted nothing more than for my boys to have a mum and dad that were together- my son was 2 and a half at the time( if I remember correctly) he cried for his daddy every night was extremely hard to settle, I also had a baby that had reflux and a milk allergy so he was very unsettled, I honestly felt like it was my fault and I told myself my partner wasn't doing anything wrong, I told myself "well at least he's not cheating physically " I thought I couldn't do it without him. I'm disappointed that I let him come back but I did and I've faced the consequences. I know now that I need to leave or I will keep getting disrespected. I just feel like I've let my boys down, can't shake this feeling I feel:(

OP posts:
Weddi · 15/01/2023 08:43

I’d imagine the women involved have no idea their very personal photos are being circulated. They have sent them to one person privately (assuming your DP’s friend) and definitely haven’t banked on them sending them to others. Isn’t this actually illegal now? I’m sure someone semi-famous went to prison for doing something like this. I’d personally inform the women involved that the photos are no longer private otherwise they may continue sending more.

Fortheloveofgodwhy · 15/01/2023 08:46

You haven’t let your boys down. But I truly believe if you stay with the man and allow him to influence them that this behaviour is normal you will be letting them and their future partners and women they come into contact with down.

you are letting yourself down by staying

Aussiegirl123456 · 15/01/2023 08:46

lucie333 · 15/01/2023 08:41

Hi thanks for your reply. I grew up with separated parents & I wanted nothing more than for my boys to have a mum and dad that were together- my son was 2 and a half at the time( if I remember correctly) he cried for his daddy every night was extremely hard to settle, I also had a baby that had reflux and a milk allergy so he was very unsettled, I honestly felt like it was my fault and I told myself my partner wasn't doing anything wrong, I told myself "well at least he's not cheating physically " I thought I couldn't do it without him. I'm disappointed that I let him come back but I did and I've faced the consequences. I know now that I need to leave or I will keep getting disrespected. I just feel like I've let my boys down, can't shake this feeling I feel:(

Show quote history

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You and the other two women are victims. Your children will be better off with him gone, it’ll be less harmful for them growing up with separated parents than seeing their mother a victim of their dad’s misogynistic attitude.
Bin him. You’re worth so much more. I mean that. You sound lovely and you deserve to leave with your self esteem intact so it can heal. He doesn’t deserve you.

GrinAndVomit · 15/01/2023 08:49

I would guess that they’re out and the friend showed your partner the pictures on his phone. Your partner asked him to send them to him. You intercepted them.

Ugzbugz · 15/01/2023 08:50

I've read the thread but my immediate thought was his friend had showed him the pics and your partner said along the lines if 'send them to me' which appears to be correct.

They both sound gross.

Original poster
lucie333 · 15/01/2023 08:50

I managed to get a hold of one of the girls on social media, currently searching for the other girl! I will leave it up to them to decide what they want to do

OP posts:
Calphurnia88 · 15/01/2023 08:57

Ugzbugz · 15/01/2023 08:50

I've read the thread but my immediate thought was his friend had showed him the pics and your partner said along the lines if 'send them to me' which appears to be correct.

They both sound gross.

This.

OP please don't feel like you've let your boys down, you've done absolutely nothing wrong ❤️

Parisj · 15/01/2023 08:59

There's a serious issue here if this behaviour makes you jump to the conclusion YOU are not good enough. He's not good enough to dream of being with you OP. Please do some work on you, after you dump him.

Mummymidwife33 · 15/01/2023 09:04

Lucie I think you're amazing. Well done for contacting one of the girls. Some people may have buried their head in the sand and tried to brush this under the carpet but you have stood up for these women.

I know how hard it is to walk away from the father of your children but I promise life gets better. You are so strong and you will raise your boys to know that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable.

Dotcheck · 15/01/2023 09:05

OP
you say you feel that this is making you feel that you are not enough.

The fact that he does this is not your fault. This is him. His sleazy actions are HIS story- not yours. Try not to take it on and make it your story. The fact that he has done this to you and hidden it is nothing to do with you

YoBeaches · 15/01/2023 09:07

Hey OP. I think leaving him is one thing for you to consider - he was sent the pics and you don't know exactly under what circumstances.

But you should contact the police with the names of the girls in the images. You need to store what you have seen as evidence.

Appreciate you have contacted some of the women directly but this really is a police matter. There images are being distributed without their consent - do they even know a naked photo was taken of them?

Please contact the police today. Don't let his friend get away with this abuse.

YoBeaches · 15/01/2023 09:08

Sort when I say store I mean take screen shots that include the fb users details who sent them which can be used as evidence.

Stunningscreamer · 15/01/2023 09:09

lucie333 · 15/01/2023 08:50

I managed to get a hold of one of the girls on social media, currently searching for the other girl! I will leave it up to them to decide what they want to do

Well done OP. That's very brave of you and kind to the women.

Lolapusht · 15/01/2023 09:24

He is not a good enough partner.
He is destroying your relationship.
He has let your boys down by behaving in the way he has.

His behaviour isn’t even something you should normally have to comment on. Not ogling other women is a no-brainier /crossing the line should be a no-brainier, not something you have to specifically ask him not to do.

He is the role model for your boys. Which aspects of your P’s behaviour do you want your boys to copy? Would you be happy with them behaving towards their future partners the way you are being made to feel? Are there any similarities between your P’s behaviour and your dad’s? What was your childhood like? We tend to repeat what we see in our parents’ relationship/s.

As other PP have said, there are websites (there existence is revolting but the fact that so many seemingly ‘nice’ blokes appear to use them is worse) where men upload the nudes they’ve taken along with information about the women. You can do a geographical search to find nudes of neighbours, colleagues etc. Even if your P and his mate have been on these sites everyone should know about these sites. As frequently happens, it’s nigh on impossible to imagine the depravity and grossness people can produce.

Flowersintheattic57 · 15/01/2023 09:30

Hi Lucie, so sorry you are going through this. Please don’t accept his behaviour as your fault. You communicated clearly that this was not acceptable to you and he went ahead and did it anyway. That is HIS bad behaviour not yours. You made a mistake when you picked him to be your partner and that is a common mistake. Not the same as deliberate, unacceptable behaviour.
Can you check his phone and any other devices to make sure he hasn’t got any pictures of you on there that you’d rather he didn’t before he goes?
Research how to co-parent well and the damage will be minimal. Less than your boys growing up with 24/7 misogyny and unhappy parents.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 15/01/2023 09:37

I'd have taken the iPad to the local police station, reported it as I doubt these poor women know their pictures are being circulated

Emmamoo89 · 15/01/2023 09:52

Definitely report them to the police