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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry my daughter will be taken away because of disagreement on parenting styles

132 replies

Anonymoussad · 14/01/2023 18:58

My daughter is four years old.

Maybe 3 or 4 times a month, she plays up a lot when it comes to bedtime. And by play up, I mean she starts to run around like crazy, she hits us, throws toys, has an awful attitude, kicks her bedroom, she's just really unpleasant because she doesn't want to go to sleep. She comes up with every excuse.

This can go on for 3 or 4 hours.

I usually close the door after 40ish minutes if nothing is calming her down. I explain to her why I'm closing the door, and then I stand outside her door for 60 seconds only with the door closed. She doesn't like this, but it's the only thing that seems to calm her down and make her realise she needs to sleep. She has lights on in her room, and she knows I'm outside. I never do this for more than 60 seconds. And usually, she will then climb into bed and sleep.

We live with my mother in law and last week as I was stood outside the door keeping it closed, she came upstairs and told me to stop. She started crying, saying it was abuse. She was saying I was traumatising her. And she said my little girl has spoke with her about how she doesn't like it.

I know my girl doesn't like it. But she gets even more hysterical if I don't close the door. She runs in and out of her room, she goes absolutely wild and thinks it is all a fun game, for hours and hours on end. She gets so upset because she is tired, and I am telling her to go to sleep.

Anyway, I agreed I would no longer close the door. I didn't want to, but I have no choice since it is her house.

However , now my daughter has started to act up every single night, and nothing I can do can calm her down. I can't close the door anymore, so we basically have 3 hours of my girl getting worked up and upset because she won't sleep even though she needs to.

I'm worried my mother in law has put into my daughters head that she is being abused, mummy is being horrible and her door is being locked. Whereas I see it as a timeout.

They have said I will be reported to social services when my girl tells her teacher I lock her in the room. And I'm devastated that she could be taken away over this.

I know it isn't the best approach and I am seeking help from a sleep specialist hopefully they can see me soon.

Am I really being that unreasonable by closing her door? Will she be taken away over this?

I am dealing with so much right now and I feel sick to my stomach that this has been blown so much out of proportion. I can't stop crying. I know closing the door on her for a minute isn't nice, but she's safe and it makes her realise it is time to calm down and sleep. And it's always a last resort after I see her working herself up and nothing is calming her down.

OP posts:

giveadogabeer · 14/01/2023 19:00

Let your mil do the bedtime for a week

give yourself a break x

Monjardin12 · 14/01/2023 19:00

Your mother-in-law is being ridiculous. Can't you move out?

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 14/01/2023 19:08

You need to find another way. I don’t agree with locking her in her room either and I agree that social services would be called if your daughter said that at school but I don’t think she’d be taken away. You need to find what makes her calm that you can do before bed, have you tried story and bath? You haven’t said how you react when she has tantrums but I would be very firm and have no tolerance. You need to try and stay calm, though I know that’s easier said than done. What does your partner do? Can you work together? I’d try and get your MIL on the same page too if you have to live together.

SeeYouInHull · 14/01/2023 19:11

Can you move out?

Kids aren’t taken into care because their mum held a door closed for 60 seconds.

Tiswa · 14/01/2023 19:12

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 14/01/2023 19:08

This - what you are doing isn’t working and locking in her room isn’t a solution (although I suspect not one you would lose her over). But if she did tell the school she was locked in her room every night it could be a safeguarding issue (although once you explain it would be fine)

Darkstar4855 · 14/01/2023 19:12

I think your mother-in-law is being very unreasonable. Putting my son in a separate room was the best way of managing his tantrums when he was little and lashing out at us, he would quickly calm down and then we’d bring him back in, give him a cuddle and talk things through.

Can you pre-empt any calls to social services by talking to your health visitor and asking for support with the sleep issue? Getting the HV involved and on side will help.

Bestcatmum · 14/01/2023 19:12

Your mother in law is insane and a busy body. I'm quite sure social services isn't going to do anything over a door shut for 60 seconds it's hardly abuse. I wouldn't tolerate that awful behaviour from DS. It sounds like a bloody nightmare. Can't you move out.

titchy · 14/01/2023 19:14

Do you lock the door or do you just close it? Others have leapt on locking her in but I can't see that you said that.

purpleme12 · 14/01/2023 19:14

There's nothing wrong with staying outside a door for a little amount of time of they're misbehaving.
Locking the door and leaving for example would be different

Trudij123 · 14/01/2023 19:14

But it isn’t locked? You’re there, keeping it closed - that’s a far cry from locking the door and walking away.

I agree with the others saying to let your MIL take a shift or two, this all sounds horribly stressful for you.

Onnabugeisha · 14/01/2023 19:15

Your DD isn’t going to be taken away for you closing your DDs bedroom door to get her to calm down. So please don’t worry about that. You have a solution, and can use it until you find a better one. I only have one similar experience and it might be worth a try for you.

I babysat a child with the same problem and the parents told me that I had to put him in his room, shut the door and hold it shut until he gave up trying to get out. He was also hyper at bedtime. I did it once and like your MIL had tears in my eyes and couldn’t do it again because it was upsetting.

The solution I came up with was when it was bedtime he would have his pillow, stuffed toy and blanket and go to sleep on the sofa (I removed back cushions so it was safe). First few times, he’d be fidgety and take a good hour to fall asleep. But eventually he’d just relax and be sleeping within twenty minutes if so. I’d sit nearby in the living room with just a reading lamp and read a book until he was sleeping. Then I’d carry him to his bedroom and tuck him in and leave his door open. I had said before, just call if you wake up & are afraid, I’ll hear you and you can come back to the sofa if you like to fall asleep again.

For him, he was afraid to go to sleep alone. So he’d kick off because he was afraid of bedtime. I only told the parents my method when they mentioned I was the only baby sitter that could get him to bed…

Anyway, he grew out of it once he had a baby sister that slept in the same bedroom as he did. Lol! I’m sure he’s completely grown out of it now as this was over thirty years ago.

Just an idea, your DD may have completely different reason for trying to avoid bedtime.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/01/2023 19:16

Is there any way you can move out?

Also, if your MIL is so clever at bedtimes, can she take over for a week? Then she can show you how it’s done.

I don’t think it’s abusive but as someone who’s claustrophobic, I don’t think it’s the idea thing to do to a child. I don’t think social services would think it was abusive either.

Also, you say MIL. Where is your husband in all this?

missmapp · 14/01/2023 19:17

I work in a school and am safeguarding lead

If a child told us they were locked in their room we would talk to parents
If you told us about the bedtime issues we would contact school nurse or health visitor to support. It would no way reach the threshold for social services. I agree with a previous poster , speak to your school or health visitor for advice re bedtime and managing your daughter s behaviour. They will want to help not take your child away.

2reefsin30knots · 14/01/2023 19:22

Have you tried standing inside the bedroom door (so you are in there with her), holding the door shut by leaning on it but not responding to her- so no eye contact, not saying anything (even if she hits you) until she gets into bed?

dementedpixie · 14/01/2023 19:23

The child is not being locked in her room. Her door is being closed. There is a big difference between the 2 situations.

Justmemyselfandi999 · 14/01/2023 19:25

Would a high baby gate work, but be less distressing for your daughter and MIL?

lifehappens12 · 14/01/2023 19:26

I can see some sense in what you are doing. She is misbehaving and you are giving her lots of attention. By closing the door you take the attention away and she calms down. It might not feel nice but if this was working then it will get better.

I have a speech delayed nearly 5 year old and I went through a really bad patch when he was 3. He would frequently hit and kick me. I tired reasoning with him, getting down on his level, time out. The thing that worked was to say mummy won't play with you when you kick and walk out the room and leave him. Now that doesn't sound nice but he stopped kicking me as he didn't get attention.

Sounds really tough with your mother in law

Onnabugeisha · 14/01/2023 19:27

dementedpixie · 14/01/2023 19:23

The child is not being locked in her room. Her door is being closed. There is a big difference between the 2 situations.

To the child there isn’t really a difference because they cannot open the door either way.

PoIIyPandemonium · 14/01/2023 19:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Coxspurplepippin · 14/01/2023 19:28

I think what you're doing is absolutely fine - 60 seconds of you standing outside her closed bedroom door seems to be enough to calm her down - has to be better (for her and you) than the alternative several hours of playing up.

Your mil sounds.....odd. can you move out?

ShesThunderstorms · 14/01/2023 19:28

We have a stair gate on our three year olds bedroom door as he would be out of his room in a flash if we didn't. Is that something you can do?
There's so way your child will removed for what you're doing alone, although school might have a word with you about it if it was mentioned.
Do you HAVE to live with MIL?

ReamsOfCheese · 14/01/2023 19:29

You're being a bit paranoid about SS on one hand but on the other hand if it was bad enough to make MIL cry maybe she could help by putting DC to bed for a while so she can either see how bad it is or get DC into a better sleep routine without this nightly battle. Either would be a great outcome for you in terms of less stress and drama.

Happyher · 14/01/2023 19:30

OP says she closes the door not locks it. And it works! I can’t see anything wrong with this. Your MIL is talking twaddle. Speak to your HV and ask their opinion and for help

WolfFoxHare · 14/01/2023 19:30

I remember being pretty shocked when a friend told me about how she and her DH had to hold the door closed on their DC while he chucked a tantrum at bed time. He was throwing himself at the door trying to get out while they kept it closed from the outside. It’s not something I’d do - but DS was never a tantrumy child so it never arose, so it’s easy for me to say. I’d try to find another way to impose time-out if I were you.

ReadtheReviews · 14/01/2023 19:30

The pre bedtime crazies can be cos theyre overtired. Id move bedtime earlier, no screens for at least half hour before and snuggle up in bed with a book with her.

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