To worry my daughter will be taken away because of disagreement on parenting styles

[Anonymoussad]

My daughter is four years old.

Maybe 3 or 4 times a month, she plays up a lot when it comes to bedtime. And by play up, I mean she starts to run around like crazy, she hits us, throws toys, has an awful attitude, kicks her bedroom, she's just really unpleasant because she doesn't want to go to sleep. She comes up with every excuse.

This can go on for 3 or 4 hours.

I usually close the door after 40ish minutes if nothing is calming her down. I explain to her why I'm closing the door, and then I stand outside her door for 60 seconds only with the door closed. She doesn't like this, but it's the only thing that seems to calm her down and make her realise she needs to sleep. She has lights on in her room, and she knows I'm outside. I never do this for more than 60 seconds. And usually, she will then climb into bed and sleep.

We live with my mother in law and last week as I was stood outside the door keeping it closed, she came upstairs and told me to stop. She started crying, saying it was abuse. She was saying I was traumatising her. And she said my little girl has spoke with her about how she doesn't like it.

I know my girl doesn't like it. But she gets even more hysterical if I don't close the door. She runs in and out of her room, she goes absolutely wild and thinks it is all a fun game, for hours and hours on end. She gets so upset because she is tired, and I am telling her to go to sleep.

Anyway, I agreed I would no longer close the door. I didn't want to, but I have no choice since it is her house.

However , now my daughter has started to act up every single night, and nothing I can do can calm her down. I can't close the door anymore, so we basically have 3 hours of my girl getting worked up and upset because she won't sleep even though she needs to.

I'm worried my mother in law has put into my daughters head that she is being abused, mummy is being horrible and her door is being locked. Whereas I see it as a timeout.

They have said I will be reported to social services when my girl tells her teacher I lock her in the room. And I'm devastated that she could be taken away over this.

I know it isn't the best approach and I am seeking help from a sleep specialist hopefully they can see me soon.

Am I really being that unreasonable by closing her door? Will she be taken away over this?

I am dealing with so much right now and I feel sick to my stomach that this has been blown so much out of proportion. I can't stop crying. I know closing the door on her for a minute isn't nice, but she's safe and it makes her realise it is time to calm down and sleep. And it's always a last resort after I see her working herself up and nothing is calming her down.

Bets are it’s cultural.

Hence why no mention of the father in this mess

You dont have to do anything just because its HER house. You are entitled to raise your child safely as you see fit, and calming her down in 1 minute with your technique is much kinder than 3+ hours of distress. Of course your daughter wont like it, its not meant to be a fun manoeuvre, but ultimately its dor her own good.
Your MIL as others have suggested needs to be asked to do bedtimes for a week to see what you are dealing with. Either she will leave you to it from then on, or have a way that works . She does however need to be told that if your daughter brings it up, she needs to tell your daughter you do it because you are trying to get her to sleep quicker rather than her messing about.

Can’t you just lay next to her till she falls asleep? It’s not ideal but must be better than the trauma your both experiencing

Sounds like she's overtired and overstimulated. My DD who's a similar age can get like this, and her running around can get frantic. It was as if once she cried, the energy was burned and she'd go to sleep, but obviously we didn't want her going to sleep crying every night (crying because we'd just silently keep putting her back to bed and stopped engaging with her).

We looked for other solutions and we've basically brought bedtime a lot earlier, 6.30pm usually but can be earlier if she's had a big day. We cuddle up in her bed and read books until she goes to sleep. We have a nightlite in her room but not anything that moves or spins as it's distracting. No bath before bed, gets her hyper. No screens before bed either. One teddy to cuddle along with a hot water bottle. Made sure she has a good balance of activities and downtime during the day if we can.

Some of these replies are hilarious

Imagine someone posting on here ‘I’m housing my DS, his wife and child, they are unable to get her to sleep without hours of tears, they end up just shutting the child in her room and letting her cry for minutes at a time, DGD has told me she doesn’t like being left in the room by herself, I’ve voiced concerns about this and been told to do the bedtime myself if I don’t like how they’re doing it’

Posters would be ripping the DIL and DS a new bumhole in the comments

its absolutely not acceptable to ask MIL to do bedtime herself, it’s her bloody home.

I really don't think it would go down like that tbh.....

This is a non issue.
The child is a danger to herself if she's allowed to continue with the zooming around and wild behaviour, especially if she's upstairs and there's a danger of falling down stairs.

I'd rejig the bedtime routine for a little while - turn off the TV/ screens at least an hour before bedtime, and dim the lights everywhere, then take her to bed for a little reading of rhymes, listening to soothing music (Mozart, Johann Strauss are nice) and then dozing off to sleep, hopefully.

I'd be very tempted to let MIL take over the bedtime for a bit, to see what she comes up with. This would be after I had ruled out problems caused directly by MIL, however.

If you suspect this woman has set up a triangular communication dynamic, seeking to turn herself into your child's ally or confidant and setting your child up in opposition to you, I would prefer to sleep in a cardboard box under a motorway than remain in her house.

It is very possible that your child's behaviour is a response to being pulled in different directions - by her natural attachment to you and her grandmother horning in with a whispering campaign against you. Something is distressing your child. You need to get to the bottom of it.

Does MIL provide childcare?

When my DD has a meltdown the only thing that will help is time in her bedroom (where everything is soft and tidy) to calm down. Ignoring her, speaking to her, hugging her, shouting at her, all escalated the problem. It’s almost like they’re in a frenzy, it’s hard to deal with! Shutting the door on DD for a minute isn’t abuse. People with easy going children really don’t get it.

Do you give warning that bedtime is coming up or do you spring it on her while she's playing? I often told my DD that we'll finish dinner, then half an hour play or reading, then bath and story time in bed so she was ready. If I were disturbed without notice while I was busy and told to do something else I'd protest too!

She's giving in with the door shuts because she's afraid of something. What she's afraid of? You'll need to find out. Sadly, I have my own suspicions.

She's your daughter and you don't want to traumatise her more.

i agree she sounds overstimulated.
Shutting the door is not abuse, but I would try new techniques. Start bedtime earlier, try a sticker chart to reward good bedtime behaviour, when she gets 10 stickers she gets a toy. If doesn’t work try supernanny technique of constantly taking her back to bed, no negotiation, no attention, just back to bed every time she gets up. Try watching an episode and see what mil thinks!

This whole situation sounds ridiculous and there must be other solutions.

You need to start bedtime much earlier with all of the calm reading, little light with stars etc. Then sit next to her bed and pat her back.

If she starts to try and get up put her back before she can begin running around. If she really won't stay in it then get in with her. But the running around needs nipping in the bud beyit gets to here.
Maybe it would work better if your husband does it to break this cycle

Why are you living in your mil's house? She isn't the parent here she needs to but out.

Your reaction seems ott though, crying? I'd just be assertive with the mil and say in a polite way mind your own business. If you let your children do whatever they want they will act up, you are taking steps to discipline and change your daughters behaviour. If you were locking her in her room from 5pm and actually locking the door well yes I'd be saying something different but if you've tried other things well fair enough shutting the door for a few mins.

With our children we've always done pjs on, wash, up to bed, a story of their choice each and then once that is finished we leave the room (don't this from about 3). They will sometimes come back down but they learned that this was the routine. If she's back up and running about is she napping in the day/staying in bed too long? At 3 she should be tired by around 7pm. Could also be overtired, overtired children act like wild dogs. There's things to try changing, don't stress.

If your mil thinks you are so awful let her have a go for a week, see how far she gets? Oh and stop being paranoid about ss.

They have said I will be reported to social services when my girl tells her teacher I lock her in the room

Who is the "they" in this sentence, @Anonymoussad? Your MIL and who else?

Your child is still an age she would have a health visitor, alternatively there's the school nurses. Or your local council may have one off advice sessions for sleep.
I'm a social worker, trust me this is nowhere near our thresholds.

She sounds overstimulated and over tired. Have you tried all screens off at least 2 hours before bedtime, low warm lighting and starting bedtime earlier? I've been there with awful bedtimes and although shutting her in her room is a good option for you (helps you feel you have control), it's really not a good option for your child and I can see why your MIL found it upsetting to watch.

Go in the room with her and shut the door. Sit quietly. Don't interact. Offer a bedtime story. Stay calm.

Move out

Ask MIL to do bedtime.

I suggest you show this thread to at least your DP. I had an overactive 4yo and when I started to put him to bed at 6.30pm it was much better, also did the starting off with 3 stories of their choice and they lost one at a time if they were playing up. After they lost one and were warned they’d lose another they calmed down.
Your child will feel the stress surrounding her at bedtime which is exacerbating the problem. Being judged is not doing either of you any good. You should be able to parent the way you see fit if you so clearly put thought into it. I felt a lot of judgement from my own DM (she didn’t mean to make me feel like that) but I found that hard enough, having pressure from your MIL must make you feel so uncomfortable and I really feel for you. There’s red flags here for me, MIL suggesting she’s discussing it with your DC about it (and clearly isn’t reassuring her) and dropping SS into the conversation.

Wow OP I’m so sorry that sounds awful! And your MIL’s interference is not helping.

Would a toddler gate work at all or would she just climb over it? I suspect she would.

I’ve only met one child who behaved like that and in her case it turned out to be ADHD and medication helped but she wasn’t diagnosed until age 8. I’d seek whatever support/ advice you can get and maybe ask school if they think she could have adhd. Adhd doesn’t necessarily man bad attention span but it usually means they struggle with impulse control.

Social services would never remove a child from a loving safe home merely because the child doesn’t like her time out.

Don't think I believe you it's 60 seconds, I think you're playing it down and getting your story straight because you're worried about social services. I think that's an unfounded fear, though. It doesn't sound like absolutely perfect parenting but it's hardly abusive.

You are not locking the door!
Try not to panic.

the fact it only happens a few times a month means she must be ok self soothing to sleep on other nights. It just sounds like when her little system is overwhelmed by a busy day etc, she cannot calm her body and mind down.

Therefore, I would try to start implementing a sleep hygiene routine - there are some really pretty and calming sensory lights that project onto the ceiling. You could sit next to her bed whilst she lays down and you could draw circles on her hand /tell her little stories etc until she falls asleep.
Try to make this a routine that doesn’t change and she will hopefully see bedtime as a relaxing time when you are with her.

As time goes on, you can move further towards the door, until you’re sitting outside the door. Or if she’s too old for that tactic, simply build you sitting with her into the routine. As she gets older, she will feel secure at nighttime and hopefully won’t need you. You will hopefully be able to reason with her more.

If you only do a bedtime sleep routine on days when she’s overwhelmed, it won’t easily become a habit and she won’t get used to it.

This is not typical of child behaviour is she ND? Speak to her preschool and see if they have any thoughts. I have two ND children so I’m not speaking with no experience on this.

Shutting a child in a room like how you have described is not something I would ever have done. Mine are adults now.

However, your mother in law should be offering support and helping you come up with less harsh ways of calming your daughter down instead of just saying you’re being abusive.

I feel so sorry for the OP and the child. This is a terrible situation. The OP is stressed out - but so is the child. I never had this. Perhaps it's because my children were easy. Perhaps it's because I didn't live with anyone who interfered. Perhaps it's because I had firm boundaries. " I tell you once. I tell you twice. The third time, you will have a smack". Note - not a beating. A quick smack on the (clothed) bottom. Over and done with. And hardly ever got to 3 because it was a known fact. Bad behaviour was a choice and the consequences known. I didn't get stressed because it hardly ever got to 3. And I actually enjoyed parenting.

What is her bedtime routine like, and does she act the same for DH?