To worry my daughter will be taken away because of disagreement on parenting styles

[Anonymoussad]

My daughter is four years old.

Maybe 3 or 4 times a month, she plays up a lot when it comes to bedtime. And by play up, I mean she starts to run around like crazy, she hits us, throws toys, has an awful attitude, kicks her bedroom, she's just really unpleasant because she doesn't want to go to sleep. She comes up with every excuse.

This can go on for 3 or 4 hours.

I usually close the door after 40ish minutes if nothing is calming her down. I explain to her why I'm closing the door, and then I stand outside her door for 60 seconds only with the door closed. She doesn't like this, but it's the only thing that seems to calm her down and make her realise she needs to sleep. She has lights on in her room, and she knows I'm outside. I never do this for more than 60 seconds. And usually, she will then climb into bed and sleep.

We live with my mother in law and last week as I was stood outside the door keeping it closed, she came upstairs and told me to stop. She started crying, saying it was abuse. She was saying I was traumatising her. And she said my little girl has spoke with her about how she doesn't like it.

I know my girl doesn't like it. But she gets even more hysterical if I don't close the door. She runs in and out of her room, she goes absolutely wild and thinks it is all a fun game, for hours and hours on end. She gets so upset because she is tired, and I am telling her to go to sleep.

Anyway, I agreed I would no longer close the door. I didn't want to, but I have no choice since it is her house.

However , now my daughter has started to act up every single night, and nothing I can do can calm her down. I can't close the door anymore, so we basically have 3 hours of my girl getting worked up and upset because she won't sleep even though she needs to.

I'm worried my mother in law has put into my daughters head that she is being abused, mummy is being horrible and her door is being locked. Whereas I see it as a timeout.

They have said I will be reported to social services when my girl tells her teacher I lock her in the room. And I'm devastated that she could be taken away over this.

I know it isn't the best approach and I am seeking help from a sleep specialist hopefully they can see me soon.

Am I really being that unreasonable by closing her door? Will she be taken away over this?

I am dealing with so much right now and I feel sick to my stomach that this has been blown so much out of proportion. I can't stop crying. I know closing the door on her for a minute isn't nice, but she's safe and it makes her realise it is time to calm down and sleep. And it's always a last resort after I see her working herself up and nothing is calming her down.

Do you and your DP have full time jobs? If not then you need to find one and start saving to get away from MIL. You and DP need to save up a few hundred a month (each) and put that aside for a rent deposit and a couple of month’s rent.

an alternative could be locking yourself in the lounge for much longer. It’s the zero attention which helps

Why do you have to wait 10 years for a house?

MIL knows best - let her do bedtime as she wants to interfere
or your partner - where is he in all this? not doing his share of parenting or telling his mother to but out.
Yes, you are living in her home - but she should let you manage your own child without interfering.

I am unsure if she has ADHD, as she's so well behaved most of the time and doesn't display any signs that would make me think that.

DS is a nightmare sleeper. We tried everything. Shouting. Being calm. Lying with. Everything. In the end the best approach we've found has been to say it's bedtime, close the door and let him get on with it. Every time he came down / comes down send him straight back to bed. The worst thing is injecting stress into the situation as it escalates it and this makes it traumatic for everyone.

This does mean you need to find a way to move out. Waiting for ten years for a council house won't happen. You are being unrealistic to think it will. One will never appear and you need to face up to this and forge an alternative plan for the sake of your daughter.

What I will say, is DS is now being assessed for ADHD. He is eight. He is and always has been extremely well behaved with everything else (until very recently and that's been largely due to the influence of another child and the second this child isn't in the picture things have improved - school are in agreement with us on this and the reason he was put with this child in the first place was due to his good behaviour). He can focus on things and doesn't fit with the (inaccurate) stereotypes but when you look at the actual criteria for ADHD he's ticking all the boxes.

As for other people and what they say about bedtime and their children a) don't always believe them that their children just go to sleep when they are supposed to b) when we've said DS just doesn't sleep no matter what they didnt believe us. Until they saw it first hand and how he keeps himself awake.

We got to a point where it was occasionally better to let him stay up with us reading quietly, and then take him to bed when we went as he was exhausted but calm and knew he wasn't missing out on anything and there wasn't stress with it.

We are still having issues with it. Him roaming the house at 11pm isn't uncommon. But bedtime is 8pm as a rule during schooltime and he has to be in his room with lights off. He has a nightlight and a brown noise generator (similar to white noise but more natural sounds) which seem to help.

Your husband is definitely part of the problem here as he's not dealing with his parents and is putting the blame and stress onto you to keep the peace. This may not be possible. Your MIL might well be the root cause of stress whilst having a child who may have legitimate sleep issues.

You are not abusing your daughter. Your MIL and FIL are emotionally abusing you and your daughter and your husband is facilitating and encouraging it.

Get out. Get a deposit together and find somewhere private to rent. Stop chasing a council house which won't happen because you aren't classed as homeless and therefore will never advance up the waiting list.

Your approach is pretty much what I was told by my DD's therapist. Dd is autistic and was pretty overwhelming to be honest. I was told that we should create a safe space she cannot hurt herself in then if she is in full out of control tantrum in was fine to put her in her safe space and shut the door, breathe , calm down myself etc. therapist even said to me fetch a mug of tea. Her room was kept as a secure space until she was around 12 by which time her behaviour had changed, less violence more mental health problems

But I don't understand why you are living with your mil if it's a problem, just save up a deposit and move out, you can both work easily whilst with mil and her excellent parenting skills