To worry my daughter will be taken away because of disagreement on parenting styles

[Anonymoussad]

My daughter is four years old.

Maybe 3 or 4 times a month, she plays up a lot when it comes to bedtime. And by play up, I mean she starts to run around like crazy, she hits us, throws toys, has an awful attitude, kicks her bedroom, she's just really unpleasant because she doesn't want to go to sleep. She comes up with every excuse.

This can go on for 3 or 4 hours.

I usually close the door after 40ish minutes if nothing is calming her down. I explain to her why I'm closing the door, and then I stand outside her door for 60 seconds only with the door closed. She doesn't like this, but it's the only thing that seems to calm her down and make her realise she needs to sleep. She has lights on in her room, and she knows I'm outside. I never do this for more than 60 seconds. And usually, she will then climb into bed and sleep.

We live with my mother in law and last week as I was stood outside the door keeping it closed, she came upstairs and told me to stop. She started crying, saying it was abuse. She was saying I was traumatising her. And she said my little girl has spoke with her about how she doesn't like it.

I know my girl doesn't like it. But she gets even more hysterical if I don't close the door. She runs in and out of her room, she goes absolutely wild and thinks it is all a fun game, for hours and hours on end. She gets so upset because she is tired, and I am telling her to go to sleep.

Anyway, I agreed I would no longer close the door. I didn't want to, but I have no choice since it is her house.

However , now my daughter has started to act up every single night, and nothing I can do can calm her down. I can't close the door anymore, so we basically have 3 hours of my girl getting worked up and upset because she won't sleep even though she needs to.

I'm worried my mother in law has put into my daughters head that she is being abused, mummy is being horrible and her door is being locked. Whereas I see it as a timeout.

They have said I will be reported to social services when my girl tells her teacher I lock her in the room. And I'm devastated that she could be taken away over this.

I know it isn't the best approach and I am seeking help from a sleep specialist hopefully they can see me soon.

Am I really being that unreasonable by closing her door? Will she be taken away over this?

I am dealing with so much right now and I feel sick to my stomach that this has been blown so much out of proportion. I can't stop crying. I know closing the door on her for a minute isn't nice, but she's safe and it makes her realise it is time to calm down and sleep. And it's always a last resort after I see her working herself up and nothing is calming her down.

Baby gate to stop her running in and out of her room might be a good start?

You have a DH problem.

Where is he in this? Why is he letting his mother accuse you of abuse.

Take your little girl and leave them all. I would put money on the sleep settling because she will be away from all the obvious stress in your household.

It's not abuse, your not doing anything wrong. Time to move out. Your child your rules. Children end up still with parents who severely beat them which is frankly disgusting. Social services wouldn't even have time for a house call for giving your child a 1 minute time out to get them to go to bed.

My youngest is 12 with asd and bed times are hell on earth. Based on your mother in laws opinion I should be in prison as I tend to ignore him for a lot longer than that to get him to bed.

You're not locking her in her room, you're closing the door when she is misbehaving, this is not abuse or an issue for social services. The solution to this is that you no longer do the bedtimes, it is now your husband's job.

And what’s your DH doing while all this is going on? Your DD is not going to be taken off you because you force her to stay in her room for a minute while she calms down, but if your MIL thinks she can do better why don’t you take yourself off out at your DD’s bedroom and leave your DH and his mother to get her to sleep.

There was a similar technique suggested in a book called "toddler taming" that I read when my eldest were babies. To be fair I didn't find it worked at all but I did try it. It was 20 years ago though

Get out of the house that your MIL lives in! No one is being ‘locked in their room’ here. Let your MIL do bedtime then.. I disagree that you have to parent her way because you’re in her house.. you’re still the parent!!! Sounds hell. Do whatever you have to to survive x

I think that what you are doing is absolutely fine. I may have done the same in your position.

is your mother in Law critical of your parenting in other ways? Sounds like you need to move out tbh.

However she has a point. If your dd repeats this at school then you’re going to have a rough time of it. Your solution is not a healthy one.

Are you really posting on here telling people you had well behaved kids because they were frightened of being hit (a "quick smack" is hitting, use the correct word)? Shame on you. Physical abuse such as this belongs in the past. Does your boss at work hit you when you do something wrong at work? Guess not, so why would hitting someone much smaller and defenseless ever be ok? Gross. Don't give anyone tips on parenting, get back to the 1970s.

What happens if you get into bed with her, snuggle and read (probably several) books, sing songs, tell nursery rhymes. Just quietly in her room alone with you? It might take a while but would be a lot less unpleasant and traumatic all round.

A friend of mine had a daughter who wouldn't go to sleep unless mum lay down with her and she could wrap mum's hair around her finger. She was about three or so at this point. My friend had to do this for a year or so, but then the child grew out of it. She's 42 now and has a DS of her own who is coming up for 2 so she's probably finding out about it from the other end of the proceedings!

As others have said, let MIL take over bedtime for a while since she’s the parenting expert 🤷🏻‍♀️.

SS would not be interested in this at all btw. My DD once told a teacher I hit her in the head really hard so they spoke to me the next day about it, I obviously told them it was nonsense because it was and that was the end of it. She was four and going through a weird phase of lying about strange things constantly, she thankfully outgrew it. Kids say weird things all of the time, especially small children. Teachers can’t take everything they say literally.

You aren’t doing anything wrong shutting the door btw, she needs to learn and that works so keep doing it. Preferably leave MIL’s house ASAP.

I agree with this approach school and ask for support yourself. It's hardly abuse if you are behind the door and trying to calm her down. I dislike people who scaremonger with SS. Children don't just get "taken away" from their parents.

As someone with a five year old who turns into fucking Chucky at bedtime, I hate it when people on here say “I wouldn’t tolerate that behaviour”.

well I don’t especially want to tolerate it either. But nothing I’m trying is working so what exactly would you do? What does your “not tolerating it” look like? Should I tie him to the bed? Smack him?

Every child is different. I know what you mean about what people say. What one parent with that child for example might not work if they did it with your child and I think people forget that when they say things like this. Just ignore things like that

My youngest was a bit of a nightmare at bedtime. I used to lie on the bed next to his and read or think for half an hour, and completely refuse eye contact or discussion. Had he got up to play or left the room, I would have very firmly returned him to bed, with no discussion and a straight face. It did work after a week or two. He hated it at first, obviously.

I've been there OP. Living with in laws is hard! Especially if you have no choice in the moment.

First, what you've done isn't terrible and you won't lose your daughter over it.

Second, my almost 4 year old also goes nuts at bed time if she's very tired. We call it bobobabo or call her Muffin (IYKYK)

Nothing can get through to her when she's in this state apart from 1 thing. First though I have to wrangle her through the bath and into some pjs. Then we have a cuddle and I sing 'try not to get worried' from Jesus Christ superstar ... don't ask why that song. She's loved it since she was a baby and it has always calmed her down.

It's hard work though because when she's in that mood it's like she's another person.

I used to have to physically hold my daughter down in her bed to get her to fall asleep. I mean actually pin her to the bed with my arms and legs. I'm sure my exMIL wouldn't have approved but it was the only thing that worked for a while. Social services will not remove a child for using a form of time out. Tell your MIL and DH that they are in charge of bedtimes from now on if they are such experts.

By her logic you can never shut your front door let alone lock it!

As long as the room is safe, locked windows, no sharp objects, nothing dangerous, it's completely fine

Yep. I had a friend who made it very clear that she thought her firm boundaries were the reason her kids slept well and often commented that i allowed my daughter to play up and it was all my own doing for tolerating it. She did CC with her kids and it worked in like 3 nights. I had DD who was an absolute nightmare and I tried EVERYTHING to get her to sleep for YEARS then later DS who was really easy to put down. Levels of tolerance were nothing to do with it.

Instead of mil crying and saying you are traumatising/abusing your child, maybe she could offer to help!! Also where is your husband at bedtime? Why are you dealing with this shit by yourself? Social services would not take your child away, but it maybe worth sourcing some help from somewhere? How is her behaviour in general and at school? Could there be some issues that require a referral to a senco?

Your MIL needs to keep her nose out! You’re not locking her in, your trying to calm her down and as you say, she is worse if the door is open. I would speak to your GP as 3-4 hours is quite extreme to be running out (all kids run out ofcourse, just wondering if they can offer you anymore help with her sleep).

Do you have to live with your MIL or is there any option to move out? You also dont want your daughter learning she can play you and MIL off each other.

Oh woah, thanks for the responses. I read every one.

So for those implying it isn't 60 seconds, it literally is. I am genuinely telling the truth. It's no more than one minute. But when I do close the door, she screams for me to let her out. And I wait until the minute is up before I open the door. I hate doing it, I honestly hate it. But it's the only thing I have found that works.

I am very aware this is not the best approach. But I'm not happy with how MIL has blown this out of proportion. And when I said 'they' I included my father in law because he's in agreement that I am traumatising my daughter.

I do this as a last resort when I can see she is not calming down, and when she will not stay in her bed. I give her plenty of love, encouragement and chances before it gets to that point (which usually takes 30 to 40 mins) but nothing works.

I've tried reward charts, taking away favourite toys, bribing her, following through when I say no treats etc. I never ever shout at her, I try to be firm it doesn't make a difference. I try to be robot like and it doesn't make a difference. If she doesn't want to sleep, she won't sleep unless I close the door. She keeps busy in the day, we try to make bedtime relaxing.

Our bedtime routine is bath, books, relaxing, cuddles, talking, teeth with lots of positive chats. She doesn't like to be in her room on her own, but when she doesn't want to sleep she will not let me sit in with her, and instead she builds herself up to the point she is hysterical. I can sit in her room with her and close the door and I'll put her in bed 200 times and she will still refuse to sleep or stay in her bed. It's only after 2 or 3 hours she begins to get sleepy and I sit on her bed and she finally drifts off.

She's only been like this AT bedtime since we moved into the house a year ago. We have no choice. We have no money and a 10 year wait for a council house. I only started closing the door over a few months ago when I started to get sick of her being awake for hours when she was supposed to be in bed. It was only happening 3 or 4 times a month, so not too often, but enough that I was tired of it. Now that I'm not allowed to close the door anymore, she has started to do it most nights for hours. I think it’s because she knows I don't close the door now. So she is a little wiser and knows she can run around and push boundaries.

I feel like I've tried so much, and that I'm doing everything right. It's weird, because tonight she went to sleep no problem. But there's nothing I could pinpoint that could be the reason why some days she's OK. I talk to her about it, and she can't explain why. I do think it is because she wants someone in the room, but when she's in the mood to not go to sleep she will not entertain anyone in the room because she just wants to run around. It's difficult to explain.

My partner did have an argument with his parents about it, but because we live with them and we felt the atmosphere was horrible he apologised and wants to keep it that way to keep the peace. I can understand why because it's so tense when nobody is speaking... and this is our future for up to the next 10 or so years.

I'm glad you've all reassured me. The way his mum made out I was being really got to my head, and I panicked. I just worry she's saying things to my daughter about me locking her in her room being horrible, when that's not the case at all. My girl means everything. I came from a very abusive home, I'd never do anything to make her feel how I felt.

I will reach out to my health visitor. I definitely need to find a new approach. I'm not sure what. I am unsure if she has ADHD, as she's so well behaved most of the time and doesn't display any signs that would make me think that. It's just she doesn't like being told to go to bed sometimes. I don't know, it's really tough. She's never been great at sleeping, always wakes up for hours in the night (but we never close the door at night as she is very calm) but she's never been this bad where it affects going to bed too.

I'm sorry if I've missed any points.

Yeah I has this with dd occasionally and yes I used to put her in her room and hold the door shut she would rip her drawers out and managed to toss her toddler bed across the room at age three the Dr's said she was normal and to just keep her in her room to keep her safe (she had previously grabbed my coffee cup and threw it smashing it then tried to run towards the shards) so room with teddy's to throw safe? Right? Yeah her bed got tossed turns out nanny was giving her something she was reacting badly too so one day I left her with nanny and when she called to say she was misbehaving I said I wasn't home and I didn't get home for hours meanwhile dd smashed her house up was completely out of control nanny learned dd was not good with this particular food and never fed it too her again I wouod like to say it solved the issue it didn't but it was never that bad again

I don’t think you were doing anything wrong. I had a non sleeper for years. The only thing that would get her to sleep was if I sat on the end of her bed. We cracked it eventually. It sounds like she is massively avoiding bedtime and being a madam. Yes speak to the hv/school nurse.