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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have DH's location visible at all times?

582 replies

Algor1thm · 14/01/2023 07:44

This should really be AWBU because it's the same for both of us. We've had location sharing on between us 24/7 for a couple of years now. I can always see where DH is and vice versa. It's hugely helpful and we turned it on for very practical reasons. No more messaging each other where are you, having to explain that we're stuck in traffic, worrying about each other if we're running late etc. It's certainly not to 'check up on each other', there has never been a hint of suspicion of infidelity in the relationship and we both trust each other fully. Days go by without me checking his location, but it's very handy to have there when we need it.

We're both happy with the arrangement, but I said to a friend the other day that I'd just quickly check whether DH was home yet and looked at my phone, and she reacted like what I was doing was really awful. She was gobsmacked and sort of acted like it was a controlling/abusive thing (despite it being both ways). I've mentioned it to several friends since and I've had very mixed reactions. Some couples do the same, some thought it was very odd.

AWBU? Is this a weird invasion of each other's privacy?

OP posts:
purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 13:44

@PoachingEggs DH is perfectly capable of making his own coffee but we like to share a cup together when he comes home from his hour long commute and catch up on the day

He does the same for me

Are you so bitter because you don't have a mutually supportive relationship?

Westernesse · 14/01/2023 13:45

PoachingEggs · 14/01/2023 13:43

Bitter? No.
Fully grown adult who doesn't cling into another adult? Yes.

Show quote history

Some people choose to partner with another person in life. You prefer something different and that’s fine, but you do seem bitter for some reason.

Wombatbum · 14/01/2023 13:46

All ours family locations are visible, the only time I actually use it though is when the teens are out and not replying to messages. It’d never actually occur to me to check my husbands if he was slightly late or whatever 🤔

PoachingEggs · 14/01/2023 13:46

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 13:44

@PoachingEggs DH is perfectly capable of making his own coffee but we like to share a cup together when he comes home from his hour long commute and catch up on the day

He does the same for me

Are you so bitter because you don't have a mutually supportive relationship?

I have a very good marriage....to a man who fortunately doesn't need mothering.

Puppers · 14/01/2023 13:46

PoachingEggs · 14/01/2023 13:43

Bitter? No.
Fully grown adult who doesn't cling into another adult? Yes.

Show quote history

So weird that you're so desperate to paint strangers' relationships in this light, even when they're telling you you're wrong. Can't work out what you're getting out of it at all, apart from an unpleasant kick out of possibly upsetting the individuals whose relationships you are attacking.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 14/01/2023 13:48

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 13:44

@PoachingEggs DH is perfectly capable of making his own coffee but we like to share a cup together when he comes home from his hour long commute and catch up on the day

He does the same for me

Are you so bitter because you don't have a mutually supportive relationship?

So why can't you wait until he gets home to make the coffee?

It's not like it takes hours.

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 13:49

@whataboutsecondbreakfast I didn't say track them on a normal day or journey because I don't.

If you're saying I'm wrong to not feel anxious about my child and mother in exceptional circumstances you're frankly cracked.

Saying I should wait for hours for the police or the hospital to contact me when I can check they are home safely or just see the car moving normally along the road is ridiculous.

JonSnowsCupbearer · 14/01/2023 13:51

@purpledalmation the example given was checking they had gotten to work if they'd heard there wan an accident and yes, it would not occur to me to check...before this were people ringing their partners at work to see if they were still alive?!
If it was my mother and child, I don't think I would worry unless they were late and hadn't told me, I think it's anxiety about something so unlikely, I wouldn't want to live like that.

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 13:51

no bitterness or jealousy here.

I wouldn’t expect you to admit to it.

PoachingEggs · 14/01/2023 13:51

@purpledalmation So what will you do if they're not home in the timeframe that you expect them to be, or you see the car has stopped moving?

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 13:52

@whataboutsecondbreakfast I have a percolator and it takes 15 minutes to make a nice coffee. I also make tea and let it brew.

Only on MN can you be criticised for welcoming a spouse home 😂😂

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 14/01/2023 13:52

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 13:49

@whataboutsecondbreakfast I didn't say track them on a normal day or journey because I don't.

If you're saying I'm wrong to not feel anxious about my child and mother in exceptional circumstances you're frankly cracked.

Saying I should wait for hours for the police or the hospital to contact me when I can check they are home safely or just see the car moving normally along the road is ridiculous.

I never said you shouldn't feel anxious - what I'm saying is that tracking their movements won't necessarily stop you feeling anxious.

They could be on the same road as the accident and stuck in stationary traffic for hours. You checking their location won't tell you that they're safe (or unsafe) it will just tell you that they're stationary.

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 13:52

PoachingEggs · 14/01/2023 13:51

@purpledalmation So what will you do if they're not home in the timeframe that you expect them to be, or you see the car has stopped moving?

It hasn't happened so far but then I would phone.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 14/01/2023 13:53

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 13:52

@whataboutsecondbreakfast I have a percolator and it takes 15 minutes to make a nice coffee. I also make tea and let it brew.

Only on MN can you be criticised for welcoming a spouse home 😂😂

It's just utterly bonkers to me, but each to their own.

If I started welcoming DH home with a cup of tea, he'd think someone had died Grin

LolaSmiles · 14/01/2023 13:53

Just when you think Mumsnet can't get more ridiculous, it's now clingy to make your spouse a cup of tea for when they come in.

😂

My parents text when they're on their way from the train station and I have a pot of tea ready for them. Guess we're co-dependent and clingy.

DH and I don't location share, but some of the attacks towards people who want to do something nice for their spouse are hilarious.

pinkfondu · 14/01/2023 13:53

My abusive ex put this on for both of us when we first got smart phones, funny his often 'turned itself off'

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 14/01/2023 13:55

My parents text when they're on their way from the train station and I have a pot of tea ready for them. Guess we're co-dependent and clingy.

That's not the same as tracking someone's location.

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 13:56

@whataboutsecondbreakfast But so far I have always been reassured they are fine and home or on the move. We do a long motorway drive daily to school (30 miles) and it's rare I check. The issue you're missing is that it reassures me they are fine in these rare circumstances.

I certainly don't check the app every day.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 14/01/2023 13:57

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 13:56

@whataboutsecondbreakfast But so far I have always been reassured they are fine and home or on the move. We do a long motorway drive daily to school (30 miles) and it's rare I check. The issue you're missing is that it reassures me they are fine in these rare circumstances.

I certainly don't check the app every day.

Okay, but if one day it shows as stationary and you can't get hold of them - what happens? Will you panic and assume the worst?

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 13:57

@whataboutsecondbreakfast Yes but he also may think you are the most wonderful woman in the world 😀

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 13:59

So why can't you wait until he gets home to make the coffee?

Presumably she could, but she doesn’t want to. She has the freedom to choose, or she should have.

PoachingEggs · 14/01/2023 13:59

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 13:51

no bitterness or jealousy here.

I wouldn’t expect you to admit to it.

Admit to what? That I don't feel the need to be clingy or stalkerish? Or that I'm a fully functioning adult that doesn't need to be tracked?
Or perhaps that I'm not a 1950s wife who feels the need to mother my OH?
I don't see any bitterness or jealousy in any of the above.
What I do see however, is a lot of limpets on here.
My OH cooks, makes coffee and all that shit, but he doesn't need to stalk me while he's doing it.
Mainly because we're fully functioning adults without paranoia that one or the other has come to some grief the minute we're out of each others sight.

OhOneOhTwoOhThree · 14/01/2023 13:59

I was reading this thread earlier but didn’t post. DH, DS’s and I all have each other on find my friends. At one point we lived in three different countries between us, and it was a way of feeling connected.

We don’t really use it and if we do it’s for helpful reasons - DH was out on Thursday night, we agreed that if I was still up I’d pick him up from the station, if I wasn’t he’d get a taxi. No big deal either way. Rather than him text to tell me he was on his way, and risk waking me up, I just checked to see if he was on the train when I started to think about heading off to bed so I could decide what to do.

An unknown number just called me. It was DS2, using a borrowed phone, asking me to look on FMF to see if he’d left his phone in his flat or in the taxi that took him to the station. Luckily for him I could see it was in his flat (although less fortunately his train tickets are on his phone).

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 13:59

@whataboutsecondbreakfast If I couldn't get hold of them of course I would assume the worst. Wouldn't most people? Having the tracker may reassure me but wouldn't make a difference one way or the other if there had been an accident

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 14/01/2023 14:00

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 13:57

@whataboutsecondbreakfast Yes but he also may think you are the most wonderful woman in the world 😀

He really wouldn't, lol. He'd think I was bonkers for wasting my time making a cup of coffee he hasn't even asked for.

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