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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have DH's location visible at all times?

582 replies

Algor1thm · 14/01/2023 07:44

This should really be AWBU because it's the same for both of us. We've had location sharing on between us 24/7 for a couple of years now. I can always see where DH is and vice versa. It's hugely helpful and we turned it on for very practical reasons. No more messaging each other where are you, having to explain that we're stuck in traffic, worrying about each other if we're running late etc. It's certainly not to 'check up on each other', there has never been a hint of suspicion of infidelity in the relationship and we both trust each other fully. Days go by without me checking his location, but it's very handy to have there when we need it.

We're both happy with the arrangement, but I said to a friend the other day that I'd just quickly check whether DH was home yet and looked at my phone, and she reacted like what I was doing was really awful. She was gobsmacked and sort of acted like it was a controlling/abusive thing (despite it being both ways). I've mentioned it to several friends since and I've had very mixed reactions. Some couples do the same, some thought it was very odd.

AWBU? Is this a weird invasion of each other's privacy?

OP posts:
GretaGip · 14/01/2023 11:35

Quincythequince
On occasion yes.

But your repo as indicates impatience at be questioned. Reasonable questions too.

Very odd on a chat forum.

So you text when leaving work (fair enough) but then have you also have your location on too, although you implied earlier it was to avoid unnecessary messaging, which is now not the case.

So constant texts and constant tracking!

Ok then …

Take the swearing as indicative of incredulity.

my God. It’s to avoid continued unnecessary messaging. After the initial message we can both just monitor the situation rather than me texting while driving or phoning her at every motorway junction to give progress updates

What ffs is wring with saying I'm leaving work, I'll be home when I'm home?

Or just leaving work. And getting home?

So very odd this neediness of information.

@Westernesse

LolaSmiles · 14/01/2023 11:39

Wolfout
I think some people can't understand that relationships work differently to theirs.

I do think there's a difference between:

A) "We have location sharing on, it suits us and it allows us both to time dinner for each other. We travel with work and get regularly held up. It doesn't bother us because we're happy neither of us would be using it to spy on a daily basis. It wouldn't work for others and that's ok for them"
And
B) "We have location sharing on. Why wouldn't we? I've got nothing to hide and we have such a trusting relationship. I don't understand why people have an issue with tracking/sharing phone codes/sharing passwords. Surely if you're honest you'd not object. It's so strange when people don't want to be honest with their partners."

A style comments wouldn't cause any red flags to me. People do things differently and that's up to them.

B style comments are a giant red flag to me. Either for co-dependence and poor boundaries or a sign someone is very vulnerable should their partner become coercive/they meet someone who is coercive.

Westernesse · 14/01/2023 11:41

GretaGip · 14/01/2023 11:35

Quincythequince
On occasion yes.

But your repo as indicates impatience at be questioned. Reasonable questions too.

Very odd on a chat forum.

So you text when leaving work (fair enough) but then have you also have your location on too, although you implied earlier it was to avoid unnecessary messaging, which is now not the case.

So constant texts and constant tracking!

Ok then …

Take the swearing as indicative of incredulity.

my God. It’s to avoid continued unnecessary messaging. After the initial message we can both just monitor the situation rather than me texting while driving or phoning her at every motorway junction to give progress updates

What ffs is wring with saying I'm leaving work, I'll be home when I'm home?

Or just leaving work. And getting home?

So very odd this neediness of information.

@Westernesse

What you propose doesn’t work for us. What we do, does.

Got it?

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 11:58

We have and also my mums as she does a lot of childcare. It's reassuring for everyone to know (eg) mum is safely home with DD.

Glittertwins · 14/01/2023 12:03

Wolfout · 14/01/2023 11:27

I’m surprised at the number of posters here who assume that others are in controlling relationships or are at the beck and call of their husbands. And that to make someone a cup of tea or make their dinner somehow indicates you are enslaved. Are their experiences of relationships that bad?
DH makes me a cuppa every morning, am I controlling him?
It’s about being in a caring relationship where you do nice things for each other…..

I agree with this. We do have it on but it was more by accident than design as we've had apple products from before they brought in family groups too so DH and I are on the same apple account.
But it does work for us and neither of us have a problem. We've also got Ring products so we all get notified of someone at the door too - not a lot of difference really.

Jessandtess · 14/01/2023 12:04

YANBU, I have my entire families location, friends, a few co workers too.

It’s super handy. But this is MN so many will think the opposite as people on here tend to be paranoid and old fashioned

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 12:06

@Quincythequince It's very practical. You can phone someone if your concerned (eg after a long journey) but they may not answer for multiple reasons. Looking at their location reassures you they are home safe. At work I can't take calls or texts, but DH can see I got to work safely, if (eg) he hears there was a motorway issue on my journey.

No one is suggesting anyone is checking daily. It's just the odd one. If I'm at work, I can't call my mum but I check the app to be sure she's got home safely with the kids after school. Texting takes time and why distract her when she's sorting out the kids?

Mirabai · 14/01/2023 12:07

pattihews · 14/01/2023 11:14

And yet you’re not respecting the OP’s privacy and dignity! Or the right to make her own decisions.

This is bizarre. I've actually said that in certain circumstances being able to see where someone is is useful. I have Find My Phone on on my iPhone. I'm not some Luddite and I can perfectly understand that if someone's setting off across Dartmoor or the Lake District on their own it can be a useful safety precaution.

I'm not angry, but the fact that you choose to say I'm angry reveals how defensive you are about this. I prize individual dignity, privacy and the ability to set one's own boundaries before convenience — particularly given that people can easily communicate their whereabouts with a WA message or a text or even (terribly old-fashioned, I know) a phone call.

So you haven’t read my posts - in which I clearly state I don’t even have my location services on - so telling me I’m defensive is hilarious.

Equally I summarised a range of reactions by posters, not you in particular, from which you inferred I said you were angry. Nope.

The difference between you and me Patti is that I don’t give a bugger how other people choose to live and can see it could be used in a way that’s not nefarious. I also don’t think people need patronising on the dangers of the internet.

For all your self-puff you don’t seem ‘prize’ other people’s boundaries and their right to set their own.

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 12:07

I also know when DH is almost home so I can make him a coffee 😀

Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf · 14/01/2023 12:08

DH and I share locations with each other and our DD.

Never thought of it as controlling or anything like that.

It’s useful if DH is travelling back from somewhere I can get an idea of when he’ll be back and sort dinner out, or not if he’s further away and DD and I can crack on and eat.

Same for if I’m travelling back from somewhere. I’m not a massive fan of being on the phone in the car so DH can have a quick look and see when I’ll be back.

EileenAdler · 14/01/2023 12:09

Not for me. We don't live in each other's pockets and I value my privacy. We have separate finances and I kept my maiden name.

needabreak5 · 14/01/2023 12:09

related to this I wonder about teenagers and life 360 as my kids get older. For younger teens I think it’s important to know their location at all times, but at what age do you say they don’t need to use it and give them a bit more privacy?

Greensleevevssnotnose · 14/01/2023 12:10

Not weird. We've done this since before lockdown. Both working in London but commuting a couple of hours each way to different stations. It's a way to make sure the other is safe. Now both WFH it's pointless but still on

HoppingAndHoping · 14/01/2023 12:17

amiold · 14/01/2023 07:50

Works for you.
Works for your husband.

No one is feeling controlled.

It would be wrong if you were using it it to control him but doesn't sound like that to me and he's willingly shared it.

This.

PoachingEggs · 14/01/2023 12:33

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 12:07

I also know when DH is almost home so I can make him a coffee 😀

Why, is he incapable of making his own?

whatausername · 14/01/2023 12:36

It's rather extreme, even if it's for "practical" reasons. I don't think running a little late every so often or needing to send a message to your spouse if you're unusually late is a big enough deal to warrant 24/7 sharing of your whereabouts. Lateness is a fairly regular non-event that most people can handle in non-extreme ways. And I don't really know any adults who actually go AWOL. If they go AWOL it's for good reason. If by AWOL you just meant "one us deviates from our plans/expectations" then that's even weirder.

Oakbeam · 14/01/2023 12:38

I’m finding it very useful at the moment as I’ve gone deaf (not permanent, I’m assured) and haven’t a clue where anybody is most of the time.

GreetingsToTheNewBrunette · 14/01/2023 12:39

Why are you swearing?
Why are you policing how adults talk 🙄

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 12:43

Why, is he incapable of making his own?

I do sometimes wonder why some people bother with relationships at all.

PoachingEggs · 14/01/2023 12:49

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 12:43

Why, is he incapable of making his own?

I do sometimes wonder why some people bother with relationships at all.

So do I, especially when they cling on to each other like limpets and demand to know where each other is 24/7.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 14/01/2023 12:53

I think it is unnatural to know or need to know where anyone else is at any given time. I am reading here with mouth open at people knowing their friends locations let alone their partner and kids. Seems really creepy and stalkery to me. I wonder if the same people that share location are the same ones that have joint facebook accounts etc too? It just seems bizarre to me. When I want to know where dp i will ask him if he hasnt already told me. No need to track his whereabouts.

Oakbeam · 14/01/2023 12:55

I wonder if the same people that share location are the same ones that have joint facebook accounts etc too?

I don’t have a Facebook account. Joint or otherwise.

Quincythequince · 14/01/2023 12:57

purpledalmation · 14/01/2023 12:06

@Quincythequince It's very practical. You can phone someone if your concerned (eg after a long journey) but they may not answer for multiple reasons. Looking at their location reassures you they are home safe. At work I can't take calls or texts, but DH can see I got to work safely, if (eg) he hears there was a motorway issue on my journey.

No one is suggesting anyone is checking daily. It's just the odd one. If I'm at work, I can't call my mum but I check the app to be sure she's got home safely with the kids after school. Texting takes time and why distract her when she's sorting out the kids?

If you read the zip thread title, it is more than just occasional checking.

Ans since when do we worry about people arriving to their destinations safely? isn’t the default assumption that they do? Surely it is, because…well…that’s the reality.

Quincythequince · 14/01/2023 12:58

OP thread title! **

pattihews · 14/01/2023 12:58

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 12:43

Why, is he incapable of making his own?

I do sometimes wonder why some people bother with relationships at all.

Well, we can see what's in it for you, Yarrawonga — dinner ready when you get in. There appears to be another woman on here checking her partner's whereabouts in order that she can turn the hot water on so he can have a hot shower the minute he returns home...

It's like a return to the 1950s.