Page 13 | To have DH's location visible at all times?

Algor1thm · 2023-01-14T07:44:25+00:00

This should really be AWBU because it's the same for both of us. We've had location sharing on between us 24/7 for a couple of years now. I can always see where DH is and vice versa. It's hugely helpful and we turned it on for very practical reasons. No more messaging each other where are you, having to explain that we're stuck in traffic, worrying about each other if we're running late etc. It's certainly not to 'check up on each other', there has never been a hint of suspicion of infidelity in the relationship and we both trust each other fully. Days go by without me checking his location, but it's very handy to have there when we need it. We're both happy with the arrangement, but I said to a friend the other day that I'd just quickly check whether DH was home yet and looked at my phone, and she reacted like what I was doing was really awful. She was gobsmacked and sort of acted like it was a controlling/abusive thing (despite it being both ways). I've mentioned it to several friends since and I've had very mixed reactions. Some couples do the same, some thought it was very odd. AWBU? Is this a weird invasion of each other's privacy?

CraneBoysMysteries · 14/01/2023 10:32

Pandor · 14/01/2023 10:31

Some people seem to be really angry that other people are fine with this and find it useful in their lives.

Lots of interrogation going on and trying to pick apart examples. In fact, for people who claim to love privacy the extreme level of questioning and judgment seems (ironically) intrusive!

Yes to this! Lots of angry questioning!

DialsMavis · 14/01/2023 10:32

DH and I can see each other's location but only because we are in a circle with DD on Life 360, I suppose we could set up different circles so we don't see each other. It is quite handy though, he works a couple of hiirs away so I use it present him with a brew as he walks in the door if I am feeling nice.

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 10:32

I love this thread, it's amusing seeing how many posters are losing their minds over this. Most ridiculous comment above.

I agree. It is quite amusing though.

TheCatterall · 14/01/2023 10:34

If it works for you and him who cares what anyone else thinks.

me and my partner of 6 years don’t live together and I don’t share location but I do share very detailed google calendar with him. More so he can see it if he wants to
arrange things with friends etc.

whatthehelldowecare · 14/01/2023 10:35

We're the same, we shared locations in the summer when on holiday so we could keep a track on DSD and her friend who'd come away with us but then kept it on after that. It's so handy to be able to see how far away from home he is to work out dinner times etc. Neither of us have any problem with it and both agree it's v useful!

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 10:36

Has anybody said “dystopian” yet?

JonSnowsCupbearer · 14/01/2023 10:36

Bard6817 · 14/01/2023 10:10

We also have location sharing on for the whole family…. Nothing to hide.

The kids make a joke of us keeping track of them, but tbh, they probably track our location more actively than we do them. Indeed, they ask ‘why are you in ……’ at which point we point out they are stalking us.

I also have shared location info with an old female friend of mine…. We used to meet up a lot and it was easier to find each other. We rarely speak much these days, as we both have very different lives, and i suspect we both know we shouldn’t have this on, but i kind of regard it as a bit of protection for her that i can find her in an emergency. I have been a bit of an emergency saviour for her at times, making sure she got home to her husband when she took i’ll when we were out once or home safely when we ended up taking trains in difffernet directions. Sometime giggle at the places in the world we both fly too too.

Sometimes use it to share our location when i visit friends in the other part of the country and i’m off visiting them, so they can see where i am en route.

I guess location sharing is one of those great feature that can be abused by controlling people, and some people have been abused, so are naturally more anxious about it. I have nothing to hide from my partner or kids, i’d happy have them know where i am at all times, even if it weren’t reciprocated and i don’t feel it controls me.

I guess we’re all different.

It's the 'nothing to hide' that is the real issue. Normalising it opens the door to abusers 'why won't you tell me where you are at all times, if you have nothing to hide'.

PoachingEggs · 14/01/2023 10:37

@Wolfout You either make dinner later to allow for some lateness or plate theirs up for them. Easy.
Or, you could prep it but not cook it until they walk in, like I do.
Or is your OH one of those who demands his dinner is on the table when he walks through the door, if he isn't then option two applies.

wombat1a · 14/01/2023 10:40

Not for us, we use it as in 'I'm leaving the lab now, should be home in 35mins' and then allow it to be shared until the rest of the day so 'if' something happened they would at least see us.

A colleague went to play basketball and had a heart attack, his wife only managed to find out which hospital he went too by using the 'find my...' from his computer.

Quincythequince · 14/01/2023 10:41

Wolfout · 14/01/2023 10:22

If I was 30 minutes late home from work because I had been held up, and DH told me to make my own dinner because I was late, I might be a bit upset! And vice versa.

A lot of people on here who think it’s weird that couples like to make dinner for each other and eat together as a family.

Like most couples we work around each other. We share the cooking and childcare and chores and appointments depending on who is at home. Location sharing is another tool that makes life easier and I know it’s not for everybody. But I shouldn’t have to justify it!
40 years ago my parents couldn’t text each other either, so should we not text our partners now just because ‘we used to manage without it’?

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She didn’t that though did she.

She gave three options, one of which to make your own.

She clearly said plate up and leave it and gave another option too.

That is not dysfunctional at all.

BTphonehome · 14/01/2023 10:43

Me and my husband have the same thing.

I often go off walking on my own with the dogs rurally so I feel safer knowing that at least someone knows where I am.

DH does it because he wants me to be able to see when he’s leaving work etc.

If I thought he was using it in a controlling manner then I’d be turning it off.

Quincythequince · 14/01/2023 10:44

Wolfout · 14/01/2023 10:22

If I was 30 minutes late home from work because I had been held up, and DH told me to make my own dinner because I was late, I might be a bit upset! And vice versa.

A lot of people on here who think it’s weird that couples like to make dinner for each other and eat together as a family.

Like most couples we work around each other. We share the cooking and childcare and chores and appointments depending on who is at home. Location sharing is another tool that makes life easier and I know it’s not for everybody. But I shouldn’t have to justify it!
40 years ago my parents couldn’t text each other either, so should we not text our partners now just because ‘we used to manage without it’?

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And the odd text replaces the odd call It is very differ to 24 hour tracking devices being turned on, on another person.

LolaSmiles · 14/01/2023 10:44

It's flagged to me how daily contact differs between partners because the tracker seems to replace lots of phone and text conversations which I just wouldn't be having anyway. If I don't hear from DH and he's expected back from work, I assume he's stuck in traffic. If he's not home when I thought he would be, I assume he's got waylayed or distracted somewhere. I'm not worried about him because that's our norm. If you are in a relationship where you check in with each other through the day, I can see why a tracker would be appealing.
Agree with this
It depends what sort of behaviour you expect from a relationship and what sort of behaviour you're comfortable with.

I'd not want to be in a relationship with anyone who thinks trackers/regular updates/texts all the time/sharing social media passwords/checking phones because to me those behaviours don't communicate a healthy relationship. They would be stiffling to me as someone who values healthy, respectful boundaries.

If someone really values checking phones/having trackers/sharing social media/texting all through the day, and their partner is the same, then they will probably view those behaviours as comforting, a sign they can trust their other half, an expression of their partner's love.

Wolfout · 14/01/2023 10:44

PoachingEggs · 14/01/2023 10:37

@Wolfout You either make dinner later to allow for some lateness or plate theirs up for them. Easy.
Or, you could prep it but not cook it until they walk in, like I do.
Or is your OH one of those who demands his dinner is on the table when he walks through the door, if he isn't then option two applies.

Ha ha loads of projection here!
Of course DH doesn’t demand dinner on the table as soon as he walks in the door, neither do I (we actually share the cooking, if that’s not too hard for you to believe)

Checking to see if he’s 10 mins away or 30 mins away just makes it easier. Of course we can cope without it, it just helps. And I don’t need anyone else to tell me how to cook dinner for my family, thanks.

1982mommaof4 · 14/01/2023 10:44

Odd, I wouldn't like this at all. I'd prefer a quick message.. "hey are you on. Your way home"

""No sweetie, I'm just with my GF"

saraclara · 14/01/2023 10:47

I have nothing to hide from my partner or kids,

And this is exactly why normalising this behaviour is so dangerous.

Coercive partner: "but if you have nothing to hide, why would you refuse to share your location with me?"

Iliketeaagain · 14/01/2023 10:50

If it works for you, fine. We all have it - started with just dd, and now we are a family bubble and can all see each others locations if we can be bothered.

But, I don't remember the last time I looked to see where DH was - maybe a couple of weeks ago to see if he was close enough to home for me to start dinner.

The main thing we use it for in this house is "find my phone", because we can make each others phones ping if one of us can't find it in the house.

Not controlling because we don't obsessively check where each other are and none of or object. If either of us were messaging "why are you at x,y,z", then we might turn it off, but we don't use it for that, so no issue.

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 10:50

That is not dysfunctional at all.

Perhaps we have different interpretations on what functional is.

Sharing my location doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Being expected to eat on my own or being asked to make my own dinner because the nature of my job means I arrive home late and at different times does.

pattihews · 14/01/2023 10:50

Pandor · 14/01/2023 10:31

Some people seem to be really angry that other people are fine with this and find it useful in their lives.

Lots of interrogation going on and trying to pick apart examples. In fact, for people who claim to love privacy the extreme level of questioning and judgment seems (ironically) intrusive!

Not angry, just concerned that people haven't thought carefully about potential consequences not just of tracking but other uses of mobile technology. We're now learning how a whole generation of girls has been badly damaged and their understanding of the world distorted in a negative way by use of Instagram. Many apps are changing behaviour and brains and as I said in a previous post, appear to be involved in what seems like the epidemic of anxiety and adolescents failing to develop in the way they need to to become healthy fully-functioning independent human adults.

Tech company insiders in Silicon Valley are enrolling their children in tech-free, screen-free schools because they see what's happening. www.businessinsider.com/silicon-valley-parents-raising-their-kids-tech-free-red-flag-2018-2?r=US&IR=T

Human adults have the right to privacy and dignity within a relationship/ family and that includes the right to freedom to do their own thing without being monitored. I have a friend whose partner gets incredibly upset at the thought of her being unwell, so when she had a health scare last year she dealt with it all without his knowledge because, she said, if she told him she'd have to deal with his emotional response as well as her potential cancer. There are times when we need to be able to do what we need to do without our loved ones knowing.

This is why some of us are asking questions — because although being able to get the dinner in the oven at the right time is convenient, there may be unknown and severe downsides that need to be taken into account.

MerlinsButler · 14/01/2023 10:52

We have the 360 app. We walk the dog separately in woods etc so it is helpful. Also my DP rides a motorbike so I always know if he isn't back when he said he would be and I Cant ring him then I can see his last location / ring emergency services etc.

To be honest I don't check it most of the time. Obviously if he was an hour or two late I'd have a quick look and he would me but otherwise I forget it's even on.

As long as both parties are happy with it then it's fine.

Pandor · 14/01/2023 10:53

It’s ridiculous to use the “normalising” argument. Loads of couples share a bank account others don’t like it and so don’t do it. Getting angry at those who do on the basis that they are “normalising” it would be ludicrous. The same can be said for loads of behaviours that are absolutely fine for some couples but not for others.

Yarrawonga · 14/01/2023 10:54

This is why some of us are asking questions — because although being able to get the dinner in the oven at the right time is convenient, there may be unknown and severe downsides that need to be taken into account.

When you know what the unknown downsides are, come back and let us know.

Abraxan · 14/01/2023 10:56

We all have find my iPhone activated on our phones.
We don't use it to track one another on a day to day basis.

Dd has asked us to keep hers on - she's at university. Mainly incase she loses her phone/tablet/AirPods, etc and also just incase there was an issue or something.

None of us use it without the other person;s knowledge.

Our apple accounts are all linked as we have family sharing in place, means we don't have to pay for apps, songs, films etc more than once and we have a larger shared iCloud allowance which works out cheaper than having them individual.

Each to their own.
We aren't going to stop using a shared family set of accounts and find my iPhone because someone in MN thinks it's akin to stalking 🤷‍♀️ It works for us,

PrincessConstance · 14/01/2023 10:58

PoachingEggs · 14/01/2023 10:06

Why? Does he have a different finish time by hours each day?
Just plate it up for him or make it later, better still, tell him to make himself something when he gets home.

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Make something when he gets home.😬
If I got in at 7-30pm and Dp said to make your own dinner I'd be pretty annoyed. Eating together is very important. I work longer hrs than Dp yet we always eat together. He waits for me to arrive. My finish time can vary by up to 2 hrs.
I have a shower then we eat.
Neither of us knocks something up. Food is a time to unwind and enjoy what has been made.

Mirabai · 14/01/2023 10:59

pattihews · 14/01/2023 10:50

Not angry, just concerned that people haven't thought carefully about potential consequences not just of tracking but other uses of mobile technology. We're now learning how a whole generation of girls has been badly damaged and their understanding of the world distorted in a negative way by use of Instagram. Many apps are changing behaviour and brains and as I said in a previous post, appear to be involved in what seems like the epidemic of anxiety and adolescents failing to develop in the way they need to to become healthy fully-functioning independent human adults.

Tech company insiders in Silicon Valley are enrolling their children in tech-free, screen-free schools because they see what's happening. www.businessinsider.com/silicon-valley-parents-raising-their-kids-tech-free-red-flag-2018-2?r=US&IR=T

Human adults have the right to privacy and dignity within a relationship/ family and that includes the right to freedom to do their own thing without being monitored. I have a friend whose partner gets incredibly upset at the thought of her being unwell, so when she had a health scare last year she dealt with it all without his knowledge because, she said, if she told him she'd have to deal with his emotional response as well as her potential cancer. There are times when we need to be able to do what we need to do without our loved ones knowing.

This is why some of us are asking questions — because although being able to get the dinner in the oven at the right time is convenient, there may be unknown and severe downsides that need to be taken into account.

Show quote history

And yet you’re not respecting the OP’s privacy and dignity! Or the right to make her own decisions.

This is all super disingenuous. Some posters on these forums are simply intolerant of people living in a different way, making different choices. They judge, criticise, finger wag, even get angry, aggressive, attack.