To be annoyed and angry with DH

[Topoftheworldtonight]

on a 2 night trip to London with DH and the kids. Our first day here. We’re still out now. Since it went dark earlier this evening DH has not stopped saying “we need to go back to the hotel”, “it’s too dark”, “it’s not safe” and so on. I’ve told him to stop and he won’t. Aibu to be angry and annoyed with him? We’re on our way back to the hotel now but earlier I had to keep explaining to him for hours that just because it’s dark we don’t have to go straight back to the hotel. He’s been making the same comments for hours and hours since it went dark

Maybe the anger just hit the OP and she couldn’t control it, the way you describe with her husband?
I sincerely cannot believe any of the people saying things like you would troop three disappointed children home at half five in the evening to all sit in a hotel room all night rather than say darling you are being a bit OTT, let’s make the most of this for children. He’s an adult without any obvious history of debilitating mental illness. He should be able to get it together.

Anxiety attack in the middle of a busy, unfamiliar city at night?

Fucking scumbag. LTB, OP.

It is ok for her to be angry. Sometimes human beings are angry, especially when dealing with a difficult person. She didn’t speak to him abusively or physically act on her anger. She doesn’t even seem to have raised her voice. Why don’t you think the OP is allowed to feel anger?

If have I read OP’s message correctly, out with ‘Kids are 6,8 and 12’ at 22:30-ish in central London is pushing it, particularly on the first day in town.

The vibe changes after 9.30-ish as people head home after work/theatre/dinner etc leaving a harder core out & about who are more likely to be drinking & less predictable.

I can see that DH may have not expected London to be as busy & so be more easily overwhelmed on the first day.

I mean, its a bit odd considering in winter it gets dark at like, 4pm. Is he just going to stay in after tea time? I'd try to find out whats behind this- central London is very safe as there are lots of people around, its well lit etc. I could understand it more if you were in some remote creepy place with no access to help and lots of dark quiet alleys etc

Except the OP said her DH started insisting they go back to the hotel as soon as it got dark at 4:30 pm.

TBH I would go so far as to say that insisting your wife and children do as you say because “anxiety” is controlling and abusive.

He could have gone back to the hotel on his own but declined. Didn’t want to leave his wife and kids? Tough. You either put up or shut up.

If he’s that anxious then he needs to make a GP appointment on Monday to deal with it. If not then I wouldn’t be putting up with it and would be re-considering the marriage. Not a chance would I allow myself to be controlled on that basis.

YANBU, you don't get violent crime happening to visitors in central London! Pick pocketing, yes, but there aren't people going around randomly stabbing strangers or something!

can’t be that controlling since they actually did stay out.

Unusual. Is he often scared in the dark?

10.30 at night out with little kids in London in presumably an area you are not very familiar with? (Wife on her phone to MN🙄) I don't blame him. We were in London a couple of nights ago and in an unfamiliar area walking from parking to a venue and yes I did find it slightly scary. We live in a small village so very different to what we are used to. I expect your H also felt that if anything was to go tits up then he would be expected to stand up and protect as it were.

😂 central London is perfectly safe, take it from Londoners who know what they’re talking about.

There’s no fucking wonder that mental health issues, and especially men’s mental health issues are still so stigmatised, given the number of horrendously ableist comments on this thread.

If even one poster dared to make a comment like these about someone with ASD, they would be (rightly) smacked down by the many advocates on here. Where are the advocates for people with MH disorders? It’s not “wet” to have anxiety disorder. No one would choose to have a crippling mental illness.

As for “forcing” it on your family, well sometimes that’s life. I didn’t know when I got married and had children that I was going to develop GAD. I take my meds and do my best to deal with it, but I’m sure occasionally my family have been affected by it. Same way I’ve been affected by things they can’t control.

Central London is very safe. I’d rather walk around centrally than locally in the quiet suburbs in the dark.

While that may be true can you understand that people not familiar with it may be on guard a bit? The same as if you were in New York or San Francisco or any other major city?

*men

Mental illness is a really serious issue. Every time someone has a bit of a wobble it doesn’t mean they are mentally ill and personally I find it insulting to sufferers with genuine mental illnesses to compare feeling overwhelmed to having to debilitating illness. The OP hasn’t said anything to suggest that her husband falls in to the latter category.

So he just needs to man up, then.

Thanks for clarifying (in more ways than one). For absolute fuck's sake.

Unless he’s planning to go to the gp on Monday to get professional help, yes.

It’s insulting to those who have genuine diagnosed MH conditions when someone has a wobble, and then claims it’s down to mental illness.

If he’s that upset by it then he will seek professional help on Monday.

If he doesn’t then no way should the OP be expected to pander to it.

"Since it went dark earlier this evening DH has not stopped saying…"

That's OP's quote from her OP. Sounds like he banged on a lot, not just once or twice.

So if the condition is undiagnosed and it's a feller, it doesn't count.

Yes, I agree, it does sound like the DP needs to go and see his GP. Because his behaviour screams anxiety disorder.

Being on guard is one thing, saying over and over it's not safe and they need to go back to the hotel when it's still technically the afternoon is quite another. It got dark at 4.30 yesterday!

They were already back at the hotel when she posted here.

As someone who is autistic and experiences anxiety, I do also realise I have to take some personal responsibility for my own feelings and how they impact others. I also realise the importance of planning, so if I know a situation is likely to make me anxious, planning ahead - what’s my escape route, what can I do to help me cope. I don’t think it’s everyone else’s responsibility to accommodate every single feeling I have. I have empathy for what it’s like to be so anxious you can’t control it, and how distressing that is. but I also have empathy for the perspective of the OP, who is feeling controlled by another person’s irrational fear and their inability to manage it. I can see how that would make someone feel angry and resentful (I say FEEL angry, not necessarily target their anger towards the anxious person)

Lots of things that can be learned and planned for future trips. Agreeing a compromise on a reasonable time to be back at the hotel that’s somewhere in between the DH and OP’s comfort/preference. Sitting in the hotel from 5pm feels unreasonable, but maybe being back by say 8 or 9pm would be a fair compromise. Knowing there’s an “end time” can be helpful for an anxious person to know how long they need to manage for, rather than it being “until I say so” which takes the control entirely away from them and is more likely to ramp anxiety up. Looking at areas and planning where to go, rather than just wandering, can be helpful for managing safety concerns, having some sense of where you’ll be and what to expect. Some forward planning for future trips sounds like it might reduce some of these issues. Some people just aren’t as good with being spontaneous as others and need more structure.

Yes, I agree. it sounds like mental illness. But he's a man, and he's not been to his GP, so it can't be.