Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed and angry with DH

358 replies

Topoftheworldtonight · 13/01/2023 22:28

on a 2 night trip to London with DH and the kids. Our first day here. We’re still out now. Since it went dark earlier this evening DH has not stopped saying “we need to go back to the hotel”, “it’s too dark”, “it’s not safe” and so on. I’ve told him to stop and he won’t. Aibu to be angry and annoyed with him? We’re on our way back to the hotel now but earlier I had to keep explaining to him for hours that just because it’s dark we don’t have to go straight back to the hotel. He’s been making the same comments for hours and hours since it went dark

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 14/01/2023 08:20

MrsDoyle351 · 14/01/2023 08:14

Precisely that.

The OP has never once said that he wanted to go back to the hotel at 4.30 - she said 'after dark' - which could have meant 19.30 or 17.30 or any time.

In any case - she doesn't sound like she's giving a good example of being kind to her children by being so angry with the DH. I grew up with a parent who was constantly angry at various things/people - sometimes rational - sometimes not. That is not great either.

Ironically, that has made me anxious at times and unconfident. I would be inclined to try and act with kndness, rather than telling him to 'grow a pair'.

Show quote history

OP said as soon as it got dark he started banging on about going back. Yesterday it got dark here at 4.30. If I was away for a weekend in London that was costing us and my DP wanted to go back when it was still afternoon I'd be annoyed to. Everyone seems to be overlooking that instead of leaving them to it as she suggested, he whined and whined until he got his own way and spoiled the evening. That's really selfish behaviour.

Westernesse · 14/01/2023 08:23

Agreed. They are just indulging their drama tendencies. They love it.

MrsDoyle351 · 14/01/2023 08:23

anxiety has become a buzz word. Everyone seems to have it, and too many people pander to it. Little wonder that we have a generation with 0 resilience

Previous generations had mental health problems just the same as now. Except people were locked away in mental asylums for years - so it was hidden away.

If someone has a mental health problem it doesn't always follow that they have zero resilience. That's ignorant

Inkpotlover · 14/01/2023 08:23

MilkyYay · 14/01/2023 07:55

There's a difference between children up late on holiday in a hot location where often the weather is too hot mid afternoon and everyone has a nap/rest, and you are out in warm weather in the evening, in a culture where family friendly dining options open late etc. Vs having been sightseeing all day in the cold/rain, and being kept up in crap weather in a country where generally its expected young children won't be out late so activities & restaurants aren't likely to cater for them.

When did you last dine out in central London in the evening? Virtually all restaurants cater for kids! Even the ££££ Michelin star ones. It can get bloody annoying when you just want a grown up dinner and there's squawking kids at the next table at 10!

Inkpotlover · 14/01/2023 08:24

That should read 10pm.

MrsDoyle351 · 14/01/2023 08:25

he whined and whined until he got his own way

haha! Now you are making stuff up. How did he get his own way when they stayed out until 22.30?

Naunet · 14/01/2023 08:28

Liorae · 14/01/2023 01:12

We've seen plenty of threads on Mumsnet where grown women say they won't go out after dark, and would never let their daughters walk after dark. I think it's ridiculous, but why is that ok for them, but not for the OP'S husband?

Are you seriously asking the difference between a one young woman and being out with your family?!! And as lone young woman living in london, central was never a scary place to be anyway.

bonzaitree · 14/01/2023 08:29

I think you need to speak to him today about his anxiety, make an appt at the GP and get him some counselling.

Eyerollcentral · 14/01/2023 08:31

MrsDoyle351 · 14/01/2023 08:23

anxiety has become a buzz word. Everyone seems to have it, and too many people pander to it. Little wonder that we have a generation with 0 resilience

Previous generations had mental health problems just the same as now. Except people were locked away in mental asylums for years - so it was hidden away.

If someone has a mental health problem it doesn't always follow that they have zero resilience. That's ignorant

It’s completely incorrect to say everyone with a mental health problem in the past was locked up. People didn’t have the same words we use now, they might have said someone suffered from their nerves instead of he’s anxious, it doesn’t mean that they didn’t have understanding and compassion for people who were unwell. It’s not one or the other.

Mischance · 14/01/2023 08:33

I have some sympathy with him - but then I hate cities! Don't be cross with him - he is just trying to keep you all safe in what he sees as unfamiliar territory.

Inkpotlover · 14/01/2023 08:33

MrsDoyle351 · 14/01/2023 08:25

he whined and whined until he got his own way

haha! Now you are making stuff up. How did he get his own way when they stayed out until 22.30?

It sounds OP would've been happy to stay out later.

Naunet · 14/01/2023 08:35

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 14/01/2023 05:38

Yes. It's horrible.

Show quote history

Utter rubbish. Where’s the threads then with women wetting themselves about trying to get home from work at 5pm in the dark WITH their partner? I want to see all this sympathy they get.

Redkettle · 14/01/2023 08:36

Been out many times in London late at night with young kids, lots of the musicals finish late. Have never felt unsafe...till the tube. Always have some weirdo with eyes bulging out of his head sat opposite us, off their face and insisting on asking us questions, almost every time!

Maybe the ops husband has fear of harm ocd. He should see gp for his anxiety . Its cause he cares op go easy lol

Stunningscreamer · 14/01/2023 08:37

PinkSyCo · 14/01/2023 06:24

Nobody WANTS to be anxious ffs. And presumably OPs DH didn’t piss off back to the hotel alone because he was worried about his families safety as well as his own.

Show quote history

You might not want to be anxious but it's not reasonable to foist it onto other people and ruin their enjoyment. The only person that can tackle someone's anxiety is the person with it. If he knew his anxiety was this bad, and I can't believe he didn't because it's really not normal to not be able to stay out after 4.30pm in a very safe city, then he shouldn't have gone on the trip.

Literally the only way of tackling anxiety is to face up to it. The more you pander to it the worse it gets.

OoooohMatron · 14/01/2023 08:43

LordSugarTits · 14/01/2023 01:51

Interesting thread. Lots of posters that would take their 6 year old out and about sightseeing in central London til 11pm on a cold Friday night.

As a one off, if they were having a good time, it's really not a problem.

MayThe4th · 14/01/2023 08:45

MrsDoyle351 · 14/01/2023 08:23

anxiety has become a buzz word. Everyone seems to have it, and too many people pander to it. Little wonder that we have a generation with 0 resilience

Previous generations had mental health problems just the same as now. Except people were locked away in mental asylums for years - so it was hidden away.

If someone has a mental health problem it doesn't always follow that they have zero resilience. That's ignorant

Rubbish. Some people were, but now every bit of nervousness, every time someone is worried about something, a bit of concern, all has to be given a label and is all put down to mental illness.

People can be a bit worried about something doesn’t mean they have anxiety. It means they are a bit worried about something, but now they need that bit of extra pandering.

It’s an insult to people with genuine (diagnosed) mental health conditions when all and sundry is now giving themselves, and more importantly their children, labels, meaning those people are being excused from living normal lives.

There is a difference between mental illness and mental wellbeing.

DysonSpheres · 14/01/2023 08:46

I'm sorry, but whilst I can completely understand you feeling a bit put out, your reaction to your husbands pretty severe episode of anxiety sounds crass and unsympathetic.

I live in London but I'm aware of the possible bad perceptions of it for people who aren't used to living here. The news highlights a lot of negative stories regarding crime and it has also been the prime focus of any terrorist attacks in the past, so unless they live here it is understandable that for some people with that residual impression in the background of their minds they might feel 'edgy' or 'anxious' particularly if they feel responsible for keeping their family safe and they haven't acclimatised.

In reverse I once got caught outside in the dark in a quiet but long country lane in Cornwall with my 6 year old son and the dark was different from what I was used to, more ominous seeming with none of the normal structural ques I'm used to. My map was useless. I became disoriented and I ended up veering off and knocking on a random strangers cottage door for help. This was technically mid-evening.

It turned out all I had to do was keeping walking straight but I nearly had a complete ugly crying melt down.

I'm sure I seemed pathetic.

dworky · 14/01/2023 08:47

He needs to act like a parent & stop frightening his children.

dawngreen · 14/01/2023 08:47

Maybe he has read the news about the every day stabbings in London. He is trying to protect his family. I could not be too angry for that reason.

HikingforScenery · 14/01/2023 08:50

CaramelMach · 14/01/2023 00:16

I can see why you are annoyed but reverse this to a situation you might be fearful in. With kids which made it worse. If he insisted on staying out longer? It would be called out shitty behaviour if he'd made you stay out.

Surely in a marriage you respect each other and find a compromise so if he was anxious since day 5pm. Go back at 8. Talk about it and take different approach next time.

Don't be a dick to him!

I agree with this.
If he’s worried/anxious, why would he be comfortable leaving his wife and children in a situation he doesn’t want to be in, assuming he cares about you all.

I understand the frustration but yabvu to be “angry” at him being scared/anxious.

OoooohMatron · 14/01/2023 08:50

ZekeZeke · 14/01/2023 06:49

If a woman posted here about being in London with her DH and kids and feeling vulnerable and wanted to go back to the hotel but her DH won't.
The responses would be LTB

No. She'd be told to get a grip and rightly so.

Kennykenkencat · 14/01/2023 08:50

Mischance · 14/01/2023 08:33

I have some sympathy with him - but then I hate cities! Don't be cross with him - he is just trying to keep you all safe in what he sees as unfamiliar territory.

Safe from what?

What do you think happens in central London at 4.30pm

Dd was wandering the streets of London in the dark from the age of 10years old

It was called traveling to and from school.

If the Dh was so scared why didn’t he return to the hotel room by himself and let everyone else enjoy themselves instead of ruining the evening for everyone else.

GreetingsToTheNewBrunette · 14/01/2023 08:50

I think you’re being a bit unkind. Imagine it the other way around, I’m sure posters replied would be a bit different 🙄

levellingleveller · 14/01/2023 08:50

she doesn't sound like she's giving a good example of being kind to her children by being so angry with the DH

I suspect there are plenty of women damaged by the example of mothers who modeled always placing their husband’s wants above their own. I suspect there are plenty of women in crap marriages to men who were raised as boys in such a dynamic.

Stunningscreamer · 14/01/2023 08:51

daisychain01 · 14/01/2023 08:07

The concept of a family of 5 wandering around a big city late on a Friday night, including a 6 year old (not coming back from a specific event to their hotel) is ridiculous and alien to me.

What's the point, what can they achieve at that time of night, when they have all of Saturday and some of Sunday to "make memories" if that's their aim. I just can't understand the scenario, what are they doing - just wandering around the streets on a dark January night, during a weather warning. It must have been slashing down, freezing cold and miserable. I'd much rather be in a nice warm hotel room.

Show quote history

Central London is as bustling at 11pm as it is during the day. There's music and atmosphere and people wandering round having a great time. It's all lit up and you can see the sights that look even more atmospheric than during the day time.

If it's not fun for you, you won't get it but that doesn't mean that the OP has to miss out because it's not something you would enjoy. I wouldn't want to be in a tent in the middle of an empty field but I understand that other people enjoy that.

I've done a similar thing of going back out of the hotel when the kids were small to see the Eiffel Tower at night. We had a fantastic time and the kids loved it. It may not have been your thing but that's not the point of this thread, which is about whether someone's anxiety should dictate everyone else's lives. My perspective is that it shouldn't and I would feel that whether it's a man or a woman.