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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed and angry with DH

358 replies

Topoftheworldtonight · 13/01/2023 22:28

on a 2 night trip to London with DH and the kids. Our first day here. We’re still out now. Since it went dark earlier this evening DH has not stopped saying “we need to go back to the hotel”, “it’s too dark”, “it’s not safe” and so on. I’ve told him to stop and he won’t. Aibu to be angry and annoyed with him? We’re on our way back to the hotel now but earlier I had to keep explaining to him for hours that just because it’s dark we don’t have to go straight back to the hotel. He’s been making the same comments for hours and hours since it went dark

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 14/01/2023 07:20

That is unusual op.

We once walked through New York after dark with our 13 and 11 year old. We were going from Chinatown to our hotel and opted to walk rather than take a taxi.

We did take a wrong turn at one point and ended up in a dark back street with some homeless people and that felt a bit unsafe. A daft mistake that we regretted immediately. Swiftly found our way back to the main roads and it was fine. It was a great way to see the city and I would say the same goes for London.

6 is probably a bit young to be out so late, but as a one off I can't see the issue. Also depends what you were doing. Just wondering around sounds a bit pointless. Might have missed it, but what we're you doing? Maybe he was bored and tired.

Rainbowsparkles29 · 14/01/2023 07:27

I was just in London with my 5YO. We went to see a matinee show and it was already dark after it had finished. We stayed out til about 8/9pm and plenty of other kids did as well given the crowds ar the lego store. We were on holiday and there's an awful lot to see and do in London so staying up a bit late is kindof inevitable and it doesn't make you a bad/selfish parent. Tbh I didn't feel unsafe in that area at all. I felt much less safe in my local town centre at this time. I don't think you did anything wrong from a parenting POV

It sounds as if your DH has a genuine fear of the dark. I don't think you were unreasonable to refuse to cut your's and your kid's fun short for it but I think you'll only get to the bottom of it with kindness and empathy. When you're back home and relaxed just ask him what it was all about. Maybe a compromise would be to visit London/other cities in Summer in future when it's light until later. Is this the only thing he's funny about or is he often like this? I think you need to tell him it's ok to have fears (even irrational ones) but that it's up to him to plan ahead and let you know if something is likely to be an issue so that you can think it through instead of cutting activities short and transferring those anxieties to young kids.

Enjoy London OP and don't let this sour it. It's a fantastic city with lots for kids to explore. Hope you've managed to get to the History Museum... absolutely amazing! Xx

HaggisBurger · 14/01/2023 07:29

We need a bit of context & detail here @Topoftheworldtonight ! It would be highly unusual for a grown man to go on like this if he doesn’t otherwise struggle with anxiety, dislike of large cities or some other issue.

Is he perfectly “normal” in every other regard? If so, this would drive me nuts. I’d also be hugely worried that I’d end with anxious children if they were trailed about by a parent going on about being “scared” in a well lit safe city just because the sun had set.

Can you have an honest conversation with him about the affect of that on your kids? What were the agreed things you would do on this trip.

Did he really think you’d be sat in a hotel from 4.30pm looking at each other because you couldn’t go outside?

levellingleveller · 14/01/2023 07:29

Got as far as page 2 and absolutely fed up of people excusing The H’s behaviour. He has a fear. That’s for him to manage by going back to the hotel, which OP invited him to do. Instead he tried to make his fear his family’s problem, seeking to ruin their evening by continual reference back to his issues until he got what he wanted.

We all have to own our own stuff, instead of expecting others to accommodate us at their own expense.

Hobbesmanc · 14/01/2023 07:30

Poor bloke. He's a wet wipe, moist, a drip, lacks balls etc etc. The op hasn't really put any context around the trip, where they've travelled from, if this behaviour is out of character etc. So some of the spiteful harpies need to wind themselves in.

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 14/01/2023 07:33

I get his fear might be annoying and inconvenient but do you not care at all how he feels? Why be angry? That such a strong emotion. If you were upset would you want him to be angry?

levellingleveller · 14/01/2023 07:35

I really think people are missing the point here. The point is not that H has a fear, it’s how he expects his fear to impact the rest of his family and dictate what they do.

That’s not on.

Squirespot · 14/01/2023 07:35

levellingleveller · 14/01/2023 07:35

I really think people are missing the point here. The point is not that H has a fear, it’s how he expects his fear to impact the rest of his family and dictate what they do.

That’s not on.

Agreed!

Herewegoagain84 · 14/01/2023 07:37

Yeah he’s lame… these “ooh London is such a big scary city” people are a bit pathetic tbh. Lots of scarier places in the UK, and not just from a crime perspective!

levellingleveller · 14/01/2023 07:43

You have been completely dismissive of his opinion and are angry and refusing to listen to him

No. read the posts. OP did not dismiss his opinion, she offered him the solution of managing his fear by returning to the hotel.
So she did listen, recognized his fear and offered a reasonable solution.
I imagine she was angry because rather than own his problem and take up her solution, he instead chose to ruin the rest of his families evening by repeatedly going on about his fear till he got what he wanted.

Why are you, and so many posters, so determined to ignore what OP said and blame her, instead of the grown man who refuses to take responsibility for his own feelings, but tries to make his family take responsibility for him?

FurAndFeathers · 14/01/2023 07:43

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 13/01/2023 22:33

He wants to go to the hotel and you've basically said "screw you". Nice.

Well I assume the OP didn’t take a trip to a large city with exciting nightlife to sit in the hotel all evening.

interesting that you expect her to do exactly what her husband prefers but don’t hold him to the same standards - she doesn’t want to go and sit in a hotel - he’s free to leave - unless you think women need to facilitate a man’s every unreasonable whim?

Hallmark1234 · 14/01/2023 07:44

Do you live in an area where there's very little crime? Maybe all the news reports of muggings and stabbings has made him feel that as a family you might be unsafe and that he, as the man, would be expected to 'protect' you in the event of a problem and he may not be up to that, especially if there were more than one attacker.

MilkyYay · 14/01/2023 07:47

Half 10 at night is very late for a 6 year old to be up? Its late even for an 8 year old.

Indigoshift · 14/01/2023 07:54

FurAndFeathers · 13/01/2023 22:31

is he scared of the dark?

is his idea of a good time sitting in a hotel bedroom all evening from 5pm?

very odd

This is my daughter's idea of a good time. Really annoying.

MilkyYay · 14/01/2023 07:55

There's a difference between children up late on holiday in a hot location where often the weather is too hot mid afternoon and everyone has a nap/rest, and you are out in warm weather in the evening, in a culture where family friendly dining options open late etc. Vs having been sightseeing all day in the cold/rain, and being kept up in crap weather in a country where generally its expected young children won't be out late so activities & restaurants aren't likely to cater for them.

Eyerollcentral · 14/01/2023 07:59

MilkyYay · 14/01/2023 07:55

There's a difference between children up late on holiday in a hot location where often the weather is too hot mid afternoon and everyone has a nap/rest, and you are out in warm weather in the evening, in a culture where family friendly dining options open late etc. Vs having been sightseeing all day in the cold/rain, and being kept up in crap weather in a country where generally its expected young children won't be out late so activities & restaurants aren't likely to cater for them.

I really doubt the OP has been dragging her children around freezing to inappropriate places while her husband is continuously going on about going back to the hotel.

Inkpotlover · 14/01/2023 08:06

My BIL has an irrational fear of London. He thinks there's someone with a machete on every street corner waiting to attack. As a consequence, my DSis has visited me barely a dozen times in the 25+ years I've lived here, and never with him. And no, not once in all those decades have I seen someone with a machete. 🙄

My point is, your DH has clearly got it into his head the city is unsafe, no matter how much it's staring him in the face that it's not. The central areas – i.e. the tourist bits – are as safe at midnight as it is at 10am and it is fabulous to wander around Covent Garden etc and soak up the atmosphere after dark.

I doubt anything is going to change his mind now he's got it into his head it's unsafe. Next time leave him at home!

daisychain01 · 14/01/2023 08:07

Patineur · 14/01/2023 06:22

If you'e only in London for one night, it's a dreadful waste to spend it in a hotel room. When did you last hear of awful things happening to a family of 5 out and about in the busy parts of central London at 10 or 11 pm?

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The concept of a family of 5 wandering around a big city late on a Friday night, including a 6 year old (not coming back from a specific event to their hotel) is ridiculous and alien to me.

What's the point, what can they achieve at that time of night, when they have all of Saturday and some of Sunday to "make memories" if that's their aim. I just can't understand the scenario, what are they doing - just wandering around the streets on a dark January night, during a weather warning. It must have been slashing down, freezing cold and miserable. I'd much rather be in a nice warm hotel room.

atteatimeeverybodyagrees · 14/01/2023 08:07

FurAndFeathers · 14/01/2023 07:43

Well I assume the OP didn’t take a trip to a large city with exciting nightlife to sit in the hotel all evening.

interesting that you expect her to do exactly what her husband prefers but don’t hold him to the same standards - she doesn’t want to go and sit in a hotel - he’s free to leave - unless you think women need to facilitate a man’s every unreasonable whim?

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No not at all. I'm saying there could have been some sort of comprise and a discussion about it. Rather than her being angry and just carrying on and staying out til gone 10.00.

cariadghost · 14/01/2023 08:11

His behaviour would give me the ick tbh.

Inkpotlover · 14/01/2023 08:12

daisychain01 · 14/01/2023 08:07

The concept of a family of 5 wandering around a big city late on a Friday night, including a 6 year old (not coming back from a specific event to their hotel) is ridiculous and alien to me.

What's the point, what can they achieve at that time of night, when they have all of Saturday and some of Sunday to "make memories" if that's their aim. I just can't understand the scenario, what are they doing - just wandering around the streets on a dark January night, during a weather warning. It must have been slashing down, freezing cold and miserable. I'd much rather be in a nice warm hotel room.

Show quote history

Actually, it wasn't raining last night in London and it was really mild – about 12 degrees. We went out for a family dinner and I wore a spring raincoat rather than a winter coat it was that nice. It would've been lovely for OP and her DC wandering around Covent Garden, Leicester Square, etc where the Christmas lights are still up and the street entertainers are finally back after disappearing in lockdown. Just because it's not your concept of fun doesn't mean it's not everyone else's. Frankly, I can't think of a bigger waste of time than coming to London and spending the entire evening in a hotel room.

RenoDakota · 14/01/2023 08:12

cariadghost · 14/01/2023 08:11

His behaviour would give me the ick tbh.

Same here. Totally wet.

MrsDoyle351 · 14/01/2023 08:14

daisychain01 · 14/01/2023 08:07

The concept of a family of 5 wandering around a big city late on a Friday night, including a 6 year old (not coming back from a specific event to their hotel) is ridiculous and alien to me.

What's the point, what can they achieve at that time of night, when they have all of Saturday and some of Sunday to "make memories" if that's their aim. I just can't understand the scenario, what are they doing - just wandering around the streets on a dark January night, during a weather warning. It must have been slashing down, freezing cold and miserable. I'd much rather be in a nice warm hotel room.

Show quote history

Precisely that.

The OP has never once said that he wanted to go back to the hotel at 4.30 - she said 'after dark' - which could have meant 19.30 or 17.30 or any time.

In any case - she doesn't sound like she's giving a good example of being kind to her children by being so angry with the DH. I grew up with a parent who was constantly angry at various things/people - sometimes rational - sometimes not. That is not great either.

Ironically, that has made me anxious at times and unconfident. I would be inclined to try and act with kndness, rather than telling him to 'grow a pair'.

Divebar2021 · 14/01/2023 08:16

kept up in crap weather in a country where generally its expected young children won't be out late so activities & restaurants aren't likely to cater for them

I was in central London yesterday and it wasn’t crap weather it was sunny. Coldish but sunny. London is a very large, international city very much geared up to families and children. If you go to a west end show you will be on the street afterwards for 10.30 - 11.00pm so there are lots of children out and about. Have you never been to Europe and seen kids out late? It’s surprising to me that so many people are choosing to concentrate on the issue of the bedtime and not the DH.
OP I’m wondering what your DH is normally like and why he thought a visit to London was a good idea given his issues. It’s a bit like going to the beach when you have a fear of the water.

Rainbowsparkles29 · 14/01/2023 08:18

MilkyYay · 14/01/2023 07:55

There's a difference between children up late on holiday in a hot location where often the weather is too hot mid afternoon and everyone has a nap/rest, and you are out in warm weather in the evening, in a culture where family friendly dining options open late etc. Vs having been sightseeing all day in the cold/rain, and being kept up in crap weather in a country where generally its expected young children won't be out late so activities & restaurants aren't likely to cater for them.

There were tonnes of kids up late when we went and they didn't look fed up and neither was my child. Staying in London is expensive so nit somewhere most families can visit frequently and there's lots to see and do. The touristy areas don't feel unsafe at all. In fact I'd rather be out at 10pm there with my kid than 5pm in my increasingly antisocial town centre tbh. It's not really any of your business how a family chooses to conduct their holiday if the kids are safe and loved. It's completely irrelevant to the point in hand