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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP going on holiday when our baby is 2 weeks old.

149 replies

ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 16:05

I am currently pregnant with my second DC, but first DC between my DP and I. We both have children from previous relationships and I am expecting to give birth in the summer time. Some weeks ago, my DP was invited on a 5 day holiday, it is a 'once in a lifetime' holiday, but one that he did attend last year (think along the lines of climbing and backpacking with friends in a specific place).

The issue is, the holiday is 2 weeks after my due date. Even if I went into labour on my due date, it would mean leaving me at home with my older DC and a 2 week old. That's without considering that I may be overdue, may end up with a traumatic birth (I did last time), c-section etc. He did say that he wouldn't go if I was overdue, but I don't want to be worrying about him and his holiday at a time when I should be thinking about myself and our baby.

I have never (and wouldn't) begrudge him a holiday or time with his friends. If this holiday was at any other time during the year, I would love for him to go! However, I just don't want this anxiety hanging over me throughout the pregnancy, birth or to be left with a newborn and my older DC to contend with (school runs!) on my own. I do have a supportive family, and my DP doesn't understand why they can't come and help me for a few days. I've explained to him that I am sure they would help me, but I want his support, it's our baby and first together, it's a lot to ask from my family, and they also would judge him and be shocked / annoyed at him for going away and leaving me at a vulnerable time. I'm quite upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MaverickGooseGoose · 13/01/2023 16:08

He's taking the kids. It's not once in a lifetime if they went last year, he can go next year.

Crispynoodle · 13/01/2023 16:08

YANBU what is he thinking

Snarkysnarksnark · 13/01/2023 16:10

my DP doesn't understand why they can't come and help me for a few days

I’d be asking him why he doesn’t want to spend the first precious few weeks with you & the new baby?

OhmygodDont · 13/01/2023 16:11

It’s not once in a life time if he did it last year.

Coffeeandchocs · 13/01/2023 16:11

It’s not uncommon to go a week overdue. You may even need a hospital stay and have only been home for a few days with the new baby before his holiday!

The fact he’s even considering this would make me reconsider my future with him if I were you.

CosyKnits · 13/01/2023 16:12

The birth of your first child together is once in a lifetime - this holiday isn't.

I can't believe he's even contemplating it.

Original poster
ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 16:13

It's 'once in a lifetime' in the sense that he did attend the same activity last year, but it is a different location this year. There's also no guarantee that the group of friends will make this an annual event either. Either way, I'm upset and he should be at home with us, in my mind.

OP posts:
youshouldnthaveasked · 13/01/2023 16:13

Oh goodness no you are definitely not being unreasonable. I could barely walk for the first week after giving birth

Coffeeandchocs · 13/01/2023 16:14

As for not understanding why your family can’t come to help for “a few days”. First of all, it’s not a few days it’s five, that would be a lot to ask of even the most supportive family members. I would be so embarrassed to ask my Mum to come and help me with a newborn because my partner was swanning off on holiday when they were less than a few weeks old. My family would be furious if my partner did that.

KnickerlessParsons · 13/01/2023 16:14

Does he realise how you'll be after the baby is born? If it's his first child, you may need to explain to him that you're going to need his support, and why.

Original poster
ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 16:15

@Coffeeandchocs Yep, my family would be fuming.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 13/01/2023 16:15

This isn't right for him to be so casual about this sort of selfishness.

Even if you have birth two weeks early, you're still recovering from birth, have a new baby and an older child to look after whilst he goes on holiday.

Saying he'll cancel if you go overdue is a half arsed attempt to pretend to be reasonable when the only reasonable response is saying the birth of his child and the health of his partner comes first.

Redblanky · 13/01/2023 16:15

I am very laid back about these things generally, but honestly I'd be reconsidering the relationship just because he wants to go. I don't think it should have occurred to him as a possibility at this time.

LlynTegid · 13/01/2023 16:15

Agree he should be at home.

Visiting a terminally ill relative abroad is about the only valid reason I can think of which would justify going away.

deeperthanallroses · 13/01/2023 16:15

Wow. Just wow. He seriously wants to go on a holiday, that he already went on last year, at that time?? Given you’re hormonal I’m surprised you haven’t just told him to pack his bags and fuck off, if you can’t rely on him to support you and his children days after you’ve had his baby then what the fuck is the point of him? Family would help?? IS IT THEIR BABY? Are they the dad or they would they be compensating for a selfish fucking tosser? I mean , if he goes, even if you stay together you will be one of those people posting in ten years about the selfish asshole you’re with and how you still rage inside thinking of his holiday when you’d just had a baby, so you may as well tell him some truths now. more effective now than afterwards.

Nogbreaks · 13/01/2023 16:16

I can’t imagine DW suggesting this at the birth of either our children! No he can’t go on holiday around your due date.
Have you married this selfish, thoughtless idiot?

UnfinishedBusiness · 13/01/2023 16:16

Nothing new to add, just adding my written assertion to the many others that he’s being a selfish, thoughtless cock, so that when you show him this thread he can read the same message over and over. Then maybe he might get it.

Nogbreaks · 13/01/2023 16:17

Once in a lifetime is the birth of your child, not a holiday climbing Kilimanjaro, or whatever.

Bestcatmum · 13/01/2023 16:17

He's a shit partner and father. Sorry but he is.

SBHon · 13/01/2023 16:18

Wow… I can see why you’re upset. He just doesn’t get it at all does he, his mind is fixed on himself.

I’m sorry OP.

Ohtheyresickagain · 13/01/2023 16:18

If my dh even thought about going, it would honestly change how I felt about them, potentially forever. Sounds dramatic but it genuinely would.

Slimjimtobe · 13/01/2023 16:19

He’s more excited about a holiday he did last year than his first baby 🥴 that’s so sad. Isn’t he thinking of caring you and the new baby ? Wierd

sheusesmagazines · 13/01/2023 16:19

HELL NO YANBU!

pelargoniums · 13/01/2023 16:21

He’s a bad partner, bad parent, just generally bad. Why would he even WANT to be on holiday when he could be there for his newborn baby?!

Raspberry290 · 13/01/2023 16:21

This is shocking and really weird. I would be so upset in your situation. I’d be embarrassed if my friends and family knew my partner was even contemplating this