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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP going on holiday when our baby is 2 weeks old.

149 replies

ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 16:05

I am currently pregnant with my second DC, but first DC between my DP and I. We both have children from previous relationships and I am expecting to give birth in the summer time. Some weeks ago, my DP was invited on a 5 day holiday, it is a 'once in a lifetime' holiday, but one that he did attend last year (think along the lines of climbing and backpacking with friends in a specific place).

The issue is, the holiday is 2 weeks after my due date. Even if I went into labour on my due date, it would mean leaving me at home with my older DC and a 2 week old. That's without considering that I may be overdue, may end up with a traumatic birth (I did last time), c-section etc. He did say that he wouldn't go if I was overdue, but I don't want to be worrying about him and his holiday at a time when I should be thinking about myself and our baby.

I have never (and wouldn't) begrudge him a holiday or time with his friends. If this holiday was at any other time during the year, I would love for him to go! However, I just don't want this anxiety hanging over me throughout the pregnancy, birth or to be left with a newborn and my older DC to contend with (school runs!) on my own. I do have a supportive family, and my DP doesn't understand why they can't come and help me for a few days. I've explained to him that I am sure they would help me, but I want his support, it's our baby and first together, it's a lot to ask from my family, and they also would judge him and be shocked / annoyed at him for going away and leaving me at a vulnerable time. I'm quite upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:

TheCraicDealer · 13/01/2023 16:21

I can’t believe someone would think this was reasonable to do on their pregnant partner. Did his previous partner have a section with any of his other kids? It’s bloody major abdominal surgery, you’re not even supposed to be lifting anything heavier than your newborn at that stage never mind running a house with two kids in it single handedly! I suppose he thinks he can fuck off on holiday whilst he’s on paternity leave and ask your family to pick up the slack for him. I’m sorry OP but it says a lot about him as a person.

LaLuz7 · 13/01/2023 16:23

He told you he wanted to go with a straight face? He thinks you're a total doormat...

Selfish cheeky bastard. Prepare to be let down by him again and again

Gazelda · 13/01/2023 16:24

TheCraicDealer · 13/01/2023 16:21

I was just think about how convenient he doesn't need to even use any AL for the trip, he can take it as paternity leave!

I'll be honest OP, this is the sort of thing that I'd bring up in each and every row from now until the end of time. I know that's childish, but what he's considering is just about the most selfish act I've ever heard of.

He should be bloody ashamed of himself.

MimiSunshine · 13/01/2023 16:24

I gave birth 10 days past my due date and stayed in hospital for 48 hours afterwards.
is he honestly thinking that in that scenario it woukd be fine to still go 2 days after you come out of hospital?

or is he thinking he’d then cancel and lose his money?

Either way it’s a hard no from me even if you give birth on your due date.
tell him to grow up, family comes before his jolly

Ineedaholidaynowplease · 13/01/2023 16:25

Bloody hell - women do everything to do with bringing children into the world- pregnancy, childbirth, breast feeding. Not his fault but given he has one job, I.e. be around to support, I would not at all be impressed if he couldn't manage that and would be telling him so. As a pp said, what is the point of him?

birdglasspen · 13/01/2023 16:27

The birth of your child and those few lovely tiny baby weeks are once in a lifetime. He shouldn’t be thinking of going. Of course you could need a lot of help in those first few weeks he should be there looking after you. Sorry but he’s a …

Yeahrightthen · 13/01/2023 16:27

Well, I guess at least you know what his priorities are!

My guess is his last wife dumped him bc he was a selfish bellend?

Of course YANBU. But I bet he’ll tell you you’re a controlling, nagging cow if you try to stop him going to play with his chums?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2023 16:27

Quite often it's no mystery as to why a man's previous partner dumped them. I hope you're independently financially secure.

TheNoodlesIncident · 13/01/2023 16:27

Does he have to say that he's a selfish arse who cares more about his fun that he does about your and the children's well-being, or is just showing it enough?

I wonder if he did the same sort of thing in his relationship with the mother of his existing children - and why they aren't still together...

He is monumentally thoughtless and self-centred. It would certainly change everything for me, you can't get past this sort of behaviour.

LaLuz7 · 13/01/2023 16:29

How long have you been together? Was baby planned?

Baconand · 13/01/2023 16:31

Good to know where you are in his list of priorities! I’d tell him to go and not come back. He’s horrid. So selfish. I couldn’t forgive someone that even contemplated that, especially as he’s not unused to what childbirth and newborns means (it might be vaguely excusable if he was an ignorant first time father).

Apairofsparklingeyes · 13/01/2023 16:33

I’d be telling him not to bother coming home again if he insists on still going

Anotheanon · 13/01/2023 16:34

He wouldn’t continue to be my partner for very long!

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 13/01/2023 16:36

What the hell is wrong with him?!

Snowfalling · 13/01/2023 16:36

LaLuz7 · 13/01/2023 16:29

How long have you been together? Was baby planned?

Why is this in any way relevant? They are in a relationship and having a baby, end of. He shouldn't be planning a holiday when his partner is due to give birth.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 13/01/2023 16:36

omg! im super realxed about things like this and my husband does loads of trips like this - as do i! sometimes together sometimes seperate and i never care about it - happy for him to do what he wants

but FFS this is ridiculous and I would be absolutely fuming about this! he needs to put you and the baby first

Flittingaboutagain · 13/01/2023 16:37

Personally this would have me rethinking how much he actually cares for me at all and values the partnership we're in. To even suggest not being around in the fourth trimester when you may need emotional support let alone practical, is unfathomable to me, especially for a twice in two years lifetime jolly!

To give some context my husband will be doing a day trip rather than join friends on an overnight when our next baby is due five weeks later because I had a quick prem delivery last time. He wouldn't even contemplate leaving me like that before or after baby's arrival.

ChristmasCakeAndStilton · 13/01/2023 16:37

If you go to nearly 42 weeks, and get kept in hospital for 48 hours, he could be on holiday for the birth/before you get home.

Crazy suggestion. He has to sit this holiday out.

ninjafoodienovice · 13/01/2023 16:42

This can't be real - what planet is he on? And why aren't his friends telling him the same or are they all selfish fuckwits as well?

Seriously tell him to pack his bags if he's actually intending to book this trip

ter19 · 13/01/2023 16:43

I would not be okay with this whatsoever. I'd explain that obviously I'd be fine with it at any other time, but not 2 weeks after my due date. I'd also tell him how embarrassing it would be to have to ask my family to help me with our child and my newborn while you go out on a holiday. This is not their child to raise and my family would be very judgmental about that decision too.

toocold54 · 13/01/2023 16:44

If this was genuinely a once in a lifetime opportunity then I’d be encouraging him to go - but it’s not.
He went last year but just at a different place and he can probably go next year.

It’s too much stress.

Looking after a 2 week old may not be difficult but if you go into labour then who is going to look after your eldest?
Whaf if you have to stay in hospital for a few days?
If you have a difficult birth how are you going to cope with cooking and cleaning for the eldest?

Nope.
I would sit him down and tell him how much anxiety it is causing you and that if he gave a shit he’d cancel it.

There’s a reason why he’s not cancelled it already as he has no intention of not going.

onionringcheeseypuff · 13/01/2023 16:46

Everyone knows he's being a dick, I'm actually in disbelief he's planning this when he has children already and knows the difficulty of post birth period, for mum and baby let alone other siblings.

He's just, frankly, an unbelievable dick and I feel so sorry for you, which isn't what you want. But everyone you know is just going to think, poor ProbablyFiend, her partner is an utter dick.

Dont play the cool wife and brush it off as all ok to save face. He's a fucking dick and when he tells people oh she's ok with it, her family will help say, "well I had to ask them because you refused to help me" let it spoil his holiday by making him feel as shitty as he looks.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/01/2023 16:47

He did say that he wouldn't go if I was overdue

His immediate response to his friends should have been "no, maybe next year"

He is either immature and hasn't actually thought about what is coming or he is selfish and doesn't care about what's coming.

FriendofDorothy · 13/01/2023 16:47

YANBU.

He is being a dick.

Nothingbuttheglory · 13/01/2023 16:48

Personally, I'd hate him for seriously considering it.

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