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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP going on holiday when our baby is 2 weeks old.

149 replies

ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 16:05

I am currently pregnant with my second DC, but first DC between my DP and I. We both have children from previous relationships and I am expecting to give birth in the summer time. Some weeks ago, my DP was invited on a 5 day holiday, it is a 'once in a lifetime' holiday, but one that he did attend last year (think along the lines of climbing and backpacking with friends in a specific place).

The issue is, the holiday is 2 weeks after my due date. Even if I went into labour on my due date, it would mean leaving me at home with my older DC and a 2 week old. That's without considering that I may be overdue, may end up with a traumatic birth (I did last time), c-section etc. He did say that he wouldn't go if I was overdue, but I don't want to be worrying about him and his holiday at a time when I should be thinking about myself and our baby.

I have never (and wouldn't) begrudge him a holiday or time with his friends. If this holiday was at any other time during the year, I would love for him to go! However, I just don't want this anxiety hanging over me throughout the pregnancy, birth or to be left with a newborn and my older DC to contend with (school runs!) on my own. I do have a supportive family, and my DP doesn't understand why they can't come and help me for a few days. I've explained to him that I am sure they would help me, but I want his support, it's our baby and first together, it's a lot to ask from my family, and they also would judge him and be shocked / annoyed at him for going away and leaving me at a vulnerable time. I'm quite upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Exasperatednow · 13/01/2023 19:11

He is a parent and parenting comes with sacrifice. It's part of the territory. It means you put them first.

That's not even thinking about his responsibilities to you.

BTW both of mine were 10 days to 2 weeks late.

piedbeauty · 13/01/2023 19:12

If he did the holiday last year, it's not once in a lifetime. He misses out this year.

Riverbiscuits · 13/01/2023 19:13

So selfish. It’s hard to understand how he can’t see that, and makes you wonder just how he’ll be involved when baby is here. Will he just do what he wants whilst assuming you’ll be looking after his child? Madness.

Squirespot · 13/01/2023 19:13

ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 19:08

@Squirespot Agreed.

Good luck FlowersFlowers

DoorstoManual · 13/01/2023 19:13

Hmm so let me see, you have a child, an incoming child and you are married to a manchild, you can only divest yourself of one of them.

It would be an easy decision for me.

LCforlife · 13/01/2023 19:16

I'd be really concerned about what this means for your future. He's demonstrating how selfish he is before the baby is even here.

I think if he A) went on the holiday or B) didn't go but punished you for missing it, we'd be done.

mumonherphone · 13/01/2023 19:17

I would be really really upset about this. It shows a lack of care for you and baby. You need to explain to him fully how stressful this is for you and that you just really don't want him to go. Tell him everything you've written here and more.

Even if you do give birth on your due date or before, it's still not fair for him to leave you with a 2 week old baby. My partner took 2 weeks paternity and 1 week annual leave after and it still didn't feel like enough.

DPotter · 13/01/2023 19:17

Would he even be able to claim on holiday insurance if he did cancel if you were overdue ? I would be surprised if an insurance company would pay up

SuperFly123 · 13/01/2023 19:18

CosyKnits · 13/01/2023 16:12

The birth of your first child together is once in a lifetime - this holiday isn't.

I can't believe he's even contemplating it.

☝️Frankly his attitude is inconceivable. Did he want this baby?

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 13/01/2023 19:18

I could never forgive that.

SuperFly123 · 13/01/2023 19:20

Just read your updates OP. I would read him the riot act. What a knob.

Original poster
ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 19:23

@SuperFly123 Yes, it was planned.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 13/01/2023 19:26

As others have said, the birth of a baby is once in a lifetime and to go away so soon is monumentally selfish.

Why did his other relationship break down? What is he like with his other children? Is he an involved parent?

Original poster
ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 19:28

@NerrSnerr He's a very involved parent to his DC. I can only imagine it is because it still doesn't seem 'real' (we haven't had our 12 week scan yet), and he's not really thinking straight. I can't believe he'd act so selfishly intentionally.

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 13/01/2023 19:31

Nothing more once in a life time than your child being born 🙄

Namenic · 13/01/2023 19:33

Selfish behaviour. What if you or baby need some medical follow up appts after birth?

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2023 19:41

omg! He is bvvvvu. I don’t think I’d give the baby his name. Traditionally babies have their mother’s name. Just traditionally they’re married.

HotWashCycle · 13/01/2023 19:42

What the h... is the matter with men on Mumsnet. You could not make up the selfishness and insensitivity of these clods. What happened tothe idea that a man look after his wife and newborn at such a vulnerable andspecial time? Why wouldn't he want to? Today's posts are full of other men who go awol when they have small children. Unbelievably selfish and lacking in imagination.

RiceRiceBaby16 · 13/01/2023 19:47

This is just awful. A holiday with friends more precious than being with your newborn the first days of their life, supporting the baby's mother when she will need it the most? It's such a crucial time for you and baby in terms of having the partner there to help. And just be together as a family. Especially as it's your first child together. But maybe he will feel differently closer to the time?

Beachsidesunset · 13/01/2023 19:47

Is he a rock climber, OP? They're a different breed.

Squirespot · 13/01/2023 19:49

ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 19:28

@NerrSnerr He's a very involved parent to his DC. I can only imagine it is because it still doesn't seem 'real' (we haven't had our 12 week scan yet), and he's not really thinking straight. I can't believe he'd act so selfishly intentionally.

Ok, in fairness maybe that's it.

I hope so and good luck tonight.

FlowersFlowers

catandcoffee · 13/01/2023 19:50

Christ you can see where his priorities lie and its not with you or your child.
I feel very sorry for you OP what a dick he is to even want to go.

RiceRiceBaby16 · 13/01/2023 19:52

Beachsidesunset · 13/01/2023 19:47

Is he a rock climber, OP? They're a different breed.

😂😂

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/01/2023 19:53

It's 'once in a lifetime' in the sense that he did attend the same activity last year

So that's, twice in past 12 months? Not exactly 'once in a lifetime', is it?

He is ducking and diving like pro, before the baby is even born. I hope you have some ideas and suggestions for who does what after the baby is here or it will all be on you.

GirlsNightOut33 · 13/01/2023 19:58

This is awful. I ended up with a c-section , which was bad (and as a practical thing, I hadn't known it would have been illegal for me to drive afterwards - i read it on here, rang my insurer and they basically said after major surgery until medically fit - "generally considered to be the 6 week check after giving birth", but did say every insurer has different rules)

... but worse, about 2 weeks later i ended up with an horrific infection at the wound site, requiring urgent medical attention - was in agony and had to go back in, to treat it. i could barely walk literally 2 weeks later (and i'd been up and about after a few hours straight after, super on top of wound care and cleaning).

And baby and i were both fine, technically "healthy" delivery! i needed care myself and i have no idea how it would work if DH hadn't been around, and that was for 1 baby (not a toddler and newborn).

Your DH has no idea how stupid his expectation is - i'd be telling him that if he goes in this "2nd in a life time holiday" then not to bother coming back.

seriously, if he doesn't have your back at one of the most vulnerable points in your life, what's the fucking point of pretending it's a partnership? just give up.