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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP going on holiday when our baby is 2 weeks old.

149 replies

ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 16:05

I am currently pregnant with my second DC, but first DC between my DP and I. We both have children from previous relationships and I am expecting to give birth in the summer time. Some weeks ago, my DP was invited on a 5 day holiday, it is a 'once in a lifetime' holiday, but one that he did attend last year (think along the lines of climbing and backpacking with friends in a specific place).

The issue is, the holiday is 2 weeks after my due date. Even if I went into labour on my due date, it would mean leaving me at home with my older DC and a 2 week old. That's without considering that I may be overdue, may end up with a traumatic birth (I did last time), c-section etc. He did say that he wouldn't go if I was overdue, but I don't want to be worrying about him and his holiday at a time when I should be thinking about myself and our baby.

I have never (and wouldn't) begrudge him a holiday or time with his friends. If this holiday was at any other time during the year, I would love for him to go! However, I just don't want this anxiety hanging over me throughout the pregnancy, birth or to be left with a newborn and my older DC to contend with (school runs!) on my own. I do have a supportive family, and my DP doesn't understand why they can't come and help me for a few days. I've explained to him that I am sure they would help me, but I want his support, it's our baby and first together, it's a lot to ask from my family, and they also would judge him and be shocked / annoyed at him for going away and leaving me at a vulnerable time. I'm quite upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:

AlbertaAnnie · 13/01/2023 20:15

How to say you’re a selfish dick without saying you’re a selfish dick

Idonotcareforcarrots · 13/01/2023 20:15

The main problem for me is that he wants to go and leave you at the time you and his baby need him the most. Of course it would very different if he were in the military for example and then it would be okay to lean on your family to help out. So even if he bows to the pressure of you or family or right minded friends telling him not to go, you know in your heart that when it comes down to it he would always put himself first. Your relationship may limp on for a while but don’t put yourself in a position where you rely on him financially and are trapped, and also your family are going to think he’s a jerk.

Ohtheyresickagain · 13/01/2023 20:18

But he’s had a child already @ProbablyFiend so he knows what it’s like, he’s not a first time dad, so saying it doesn’t seem real seems a poor excuse 😞

Parker231 · 13/01/2023 20:19

If it was me, i’d be telling him that he’s not welcome back at home again and pack his bags now.

BreatheAndFocus · 13/01/2023 20:19

Unbelievable! What a selfish, immature tw*t he is! I’d tell him that if he goes on the holiday not to bother coming back. It’s gobsmacking he’d even be thinking about going. Is he thick? Selfish? In thrall to his ‘mates’? Lacking any empathy at all?? Totally disinterested in his own child???

What an utter prick!

RobinRobinMouse · 13/01/2023 20:20

You're being treated awfully and are allowing him to behave like an inexperienced child. He is a grown up with children, if he was trying for a baby it really shouldn't be a case of 'not feeling real yet'. You must feel so hurt by him wanting to be o holiday with his friends rather than with you and his new baby. Nothing he says will change that that's what he wanted. It's a shame he didn't show his true self before now. I hope everything works out for you, but he really doesn't sound up to much.

museumum · 13/01/2023 20:24

He’s risking missing the birth.
or if all goes on time, walking out on a two week old newborn.
there’s no circumstances in which this holiday is a good idea. Even if it’s his once in a lifetime opportunity to summit Everest he’s an arse if he goes. Professional international sportsmen have returned home from tours and world cups in these circumstances. Serving forces can’t but most other people would in any circumstances.

Figgygal · 13/01/2023 20:27

Hes a total idiot to even suggest it

LCforlife · 13/01/2023 23:13

ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 19:28

@NerrSnerr He's a very involved parent to his DC. I can only imagine it is because it still doesn't seem 'real' (we haven't had our 12 week scan yet), and he's not really thinking straight. I can't believe he'd act so selfishly intentionally.

I'm sorry but the fact that he's already a parent makes it worse. This isn't a clueless bloke who doesn't know what's coming, he knows and still wants to go on that holiday. 😞

Dotcheck · 13/01/2023 23:27

It is not acceptable for him to plan to go but with the get out clause of ‘if you’re overdue, I won’t go’.
This puts all the pressure squarely on you. By that time he will have paid all the funds , ‘everyone’ would be ‘relying on him to go’… engineered brilliantly so that you feel guilty enough to tell him to go.

GirlsNightOut33 · 14/01/2023 00:28

This puts all the pressure squarely on you. By that time he will have paid all the funds , ‘everyone’ would be ‘relying on him to go’… engineered brilliantly so that you feel guilty enough to tell him to go.

exactly!!

JudgeRudy · 14/01/2023 00:41

There is no dilemma, the holiday isn't even booked. Yes, he'll miss out on this particular holiday but he went on an adventure last year and he'll likely go on one next year. It's not about whether you could manage on your own. If it was an emergency you probably could but it isn't, it's a want.
It's a bit late now but I would be seriously concerned that he was even considering opting out of family life before its properly begun. What next, skiing over Xmas, bungee jumping on your birthday?

JudgeRudy · 14/01/2023 00:46

OopsAnotherOne · 13/01/2023 16:50

This is really poor from your DP, he went last year, he needs to turn the holiday down and perhaps rearrange in a couple of years time if he is really that desperate to go.

If he expects your family to help you out while he's off on his jollies, explain him that you'd expect him to ask your family, not you. Putting the expectation on him to have to go to your parents and other family and essentially say:

"I am unavailable to support your daughter and the woman that I am supposed to care for at a time where she will be vulnerable, recovering and in need of help. This is completely my choice as I am choosing a 5 day holiday that I've already been on over spending precious time with my newborn and helping my partner, your daughter, recover from the birth and excluding myself from parenting for 5 days at one of the most difficult times to do so. I am choosing to be absent and am leaving the entire burden of parenting two very young children onto my partner while she will still be physically recovering, and therefore I need you, the extended family, to cover my back and step in while I'm gone".

If you phrase it to him like that he should understand just how outrageous this idea is. If he doesn't, it's an even bigger red flag. I simply can't comprehend how he thinks this is okay in the first place.

I really am sorry OP but whether or not he does go on this holiday, I would be reconsidering my future with a man that sees no issue with leaving you to go on holiday when you need him the most at home.

Yes, you missed the foot note
" .....and no need to wonder about where we'll be spending Xmas.Theyll all come to yours. I'm going skiing!"

MichaelFabricantWig · 14/01/2023 00:48

I can’t believe he is even considering it. What a complete arsehole.

TheWordHu88yIsMyPetHate · 14/01/2023 02:07

Hope the conversation went well @ProbablyFiend

HellonHeels · 14/01/2023 03:02

Yet another selfish prick.

sheusesmagazines · 14/01/2023 04:40

Hate it when men ask to do something unreasonable like this and leave it to us to say "no" or they say "it's okay if you say no." Then we feel like the arsehole for saying no when in reality they shouldn't have asked in the first place.

BringerOfDoom · 14/01/2023 04:53

This would be grounds for divorce if my husband did this. You said he had a child of his own right? Then he can't even feign ignorance as an excuse. I'm serious. I would divorce my spouse if he did that to our baby and family. He is being very self serving.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 14/01/2023 04:59

My husband HAD to go away at that point (forces) and even then I was seriously pissed off. To choose to go away, on what is obviously not ‘the holiday of a lifetime’ and expect your family to pick up the slack is seriously shitty of him. I don’t say this lightly, but as per a pp I’d be reviewing my future with him. If he can do this, what else is he capable of? What a shitty excuse for a man, husband and father he is.

Zanatdy · 14/01/2023 05:05

It’s the kind of thing my ex would have done. Not a friends this but a work trip. Totally unacceptable - if he goes I’d be questioning the whole relationship

Babyenroute · 14/01/2023 05:22

In practical terms, I would never have managed if my DH had gone away for one day at two weeks never mind 5. It's physically and mentally exhausting having a newborn on top of major surgery and he was on night duty at that point as I developed an infection and needed to recover. There is no way he should even consider going, he should be caring for and exploring the new life he has helped to create which should be the most exciting thing.

If DH suggested going on holiday for five days (even now DS is three months old) I would be be pissed off! I wouldn't do the same to him as it wouldn't be fair to leave him in sole charge for that length of time. And we don't have a toddler!

ZekeZeke · 14/01/2023 06:46

To be even considering this makes him a shit partner and potential father.
He is showing you who he is, take note!

StarsSand · 14/01/2023 07:57

I'm guessing this isn't the first or last time this man does something profoundly selfish.

Redblanky · 14/01/2023 08:52

How did the chat go OP?

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