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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP going on holiday when our baby is 2 weeks old.

149 replies

ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 16:05

I am currently pregnant with my second DC, but first DC between my DP and I. We both have children from previous relationships and I am expecting to give birth in the summer time. Some weeks ago, my DP was invited on a 5 day holiday, it is a 'once in a lifetime' holiday, but one that he did attend last year (think along the lines of climbing and backpacking with friends in a specific place).

The issue is, the holiday is 2 weeks after my due date. Even if I went into labour on my due date, it would mean leaving me at home with my older DC and a 2 week old. That's without considering that I may be overdue, may end up with a traumatic birth (I did last time), c-section etc. He did say that he wouldn't go if I was overdue, but I don't want to be worrying about him and his holiday at a time when I should be thinking about myself and our baby.

I have never (and wouldn't) begrudge him a holiday or time with his friends. If this holiday was at any other time during the year, I would love for him to go! However, I just don't want this anxiety hanging over me throughout the pregnancy, birth or to be left with a newborn and my older DC to contend with (school runs!) on my own. I do have a supportive family, and my DP doesn't understand why they can't come and help me for a few days. I've explained to him that I am sure they would help me, but I want his support, it's our baby and first together, it's a lot to ask from my family, and they also would judge him and be shocked / annoyed at him for going away and leaving me at a vulnerable time. I'm quite upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sunsetintheeast · 13/01/2023 17:31

I’d tell him to go and not fucking come back. What a prick. Honestly, you might be 4 days postpartum and still in bloody hospital!!

Explain calmly. Then kill him if he doesn’t ‘get it’. Dickhead.

SlipperyLizard · 13/01/2023 17:35

He has kids from a previous relationship, so presumably knows what looking after a 2 week old is like?

If he doesn’t (perhaps because he was a useless partner in his previous relationship?) then that’s a red flag in itself.

He absolutely should not be planning on going on a jolly 2 weeks after your due date.

SunlightThroughTrees · 13/01/2023 17:36

I’m sorry to say that I’d take this as a huge warning sign as to his level of commitment to you and your children (both from the previous relationship and the child you’re currently pregnant with). I don’t think these are the actions of a caring man in a committed relationship.

As PP said, I would be absolutely mortified to ask my family to step in and be with me to look after me having given birth because the father of the baby wanted to piss off on holiday. He’s clearly got no shame and doesn’t care what your family would think of him if you made such a request.

You must be incredibly upset and I really, really feel for you. But, perhaps the silver lining is that it’s better to have this warning now than when you have a newborn. Forewarned is forearmed. Wishing you the best of luck.

bigbluebus · 13/01/2023 17:37

I can't believe he's even considering doing this. Even if all goes well and baby is delivered on time, I can't imagine wanting to have a child with a man who is so disinterested in his offspring that he puts his leisure activities before bonding with his newborn baby and helping you out.

FinallyHere · 13/01/2023 17:49

OhmygodDont · 13/01/2023 16:11

It’s not once in a life time if he did it last year.

While the first few weeks / months of your baby's life really are the literal definition of once in a lifetime.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 13/01/2023 17:52

It’s not once in a life time if he did it last year.

That was my first thought too. Well, actually, it was my second thought. My first thought was unrepeatable.

When I was pregnant, a friend who already had children advised DH not to arrange anything for at least a month either side of my due date. DH travelled a lot for work, and was quite pleased to be able to tell his employer that he couldn't go anywhere for a while!

OP, you are definitely not being unreasonable. He is.

BunchHarman · 13/01/2023 17:56

This is mind blowing.

GrumpyPanda · 13/01/2023 17:56

Guess now you know why he's no longer with the mother of his older DC.

GotAnyGrapez · 13/01/2023 17:58

Can see why his first wife divorced him. What a selfish git.

Squirespot · 13/01/2023 17:59

ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 16:13

It's 'once in a lifetime' in the sense that he did attend the same activity last year, but it is a different location this year. There's also no guarantee that the group of friends will make this an annual event either. Either way, I'm upset and he should be at home with us, in my mind.

So it "might" be once in a lifetime or it "might" be an annual trip.

So let's assume it's going to be annual and stay at home this year DH, you selfish bastard. The new baby is a once in a lifetime though.

mathanxiety · 13/01/2023 18:03

So what was it exactly that caused the breakup of his previous relationship?

My money is on monumental selfishness with a good dollop of bone headed stupidity.

Confusedteacher · 13/01/2023 18:05

Absolutely no way. Can’t believe he’s even considering leaving you when you are at your most vulnerable, with a brand new baby and another child. He knows that most babies are not born on their due date, right?! My DD was induced when I was 2 weeks overdue- if my exH had booked a holiday 2 weeks after my due date he would have missed the birth!

Tell him actually he can’t as you’re booking a holiday straight after the birth. You’re going to leave him for 5 days with a newborn and a child. When he realises how ridiculous that sounds maybe he’ll realise why there’s no way on earth he should go.

Nosleepforthismum · 13/01/2023 18:07

BooCrew · 13/01/2023 17:01

I'd love to know why he spilt from his ex-wife...

Me too. My money is on her being ‘controlling’ and not allowing him to do whatever he wanted.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 13/01/2023 18:08

Yeah fuck that.

I’d be telling him that if he doesn’t stay home he can fuck off for good. And I’d never get over the fact that I had to tell him not to go either. Fucking knobber.

toocold54 · 13/01/2023 18:15

His immediate response to his friends should have been "no, maybe next year"

He is either immature and hasn't actually thought about what is coming or he is selfish and doesn't care about what's coming.

I agree.

If my DH was having major surgery just before or during a planned holiday then I would 100% cancel it.

There is no way I’d leave him on his own, let alone leave him with a newborn and other child to look after.

This is even worse as OP could easily be overdue or need an extended hospital stay and he’s not thought about the other child and who’s going to take care of them.

So selfish.

Oldnproud · 13/01/2023 18:19

OMG, What a dick he sounds.

If he can't see how wrong this is, in so many different ways, there is little hope for him.

He must be such a totally self-centred, ignorant b***d that quite honestly, OP, you would be better ditching him right now than struggling on for a year or two in the hope that he will suddenly change.
Sorry, OP, because you are in an awful position now , but frankly I think there's more chance you will win the lottery than there is of him having a sudden personality change.

Cocochai · 13/01/2023 18:28

Well he’s certainly showing you where his priorities lie isn’t he? If he insists on going ahead with this I’d be showing him the door.
Utterly shameful behaviour.

If I had a friend who did this to his pregnant partner it would certainly make me reevaluate my opinion and friendship as it’s a pretty despicable thing to do.

jeannie46 · 13/01/2023 18:57

So, he's effectively told you the relationship is over. He feels no responsibility towards you or your baby. He's already checked out in a fairly brutal fashion. Better plan for a future without him I'm afraid.

Original poster
ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 19:01

Will be talking it out this evening. Thanks everyone for confirming my thoughts.

OP posts:
idonotmind · 13/01/2023 19:02

Once in a lifetime?

So is the birth of a child

Squirespot · 13/01/2023 19:03

SchoolQuestionnaire · 13/01/2023 18:08

Yeah fuck that.

I’d be telling him that if he doesn’t stay home he can fuck off for good. And I’d never get over the fact that I had to tell him not to go either. Fucking knobber.

I get what you're saying but a lot of damage is already done by even wanting to go. Having to threaten the end of a relationship to stop someone going is not acceptable.

Squirespot · 13/01/2023 19:04

ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 19:01

Will be talking it out this evening. Thanks everyone for confirming my thoughts.

If you have to threaten the end of the relationship to stop him, then he's a waste of space.

FunnyWorldWeLiveIn · 13/01/2023 19:06

Selfish prick. His child too he should be staying

Original poster
ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 19:08

@Squirespot Agreed.

OP posts:
Original poster
ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 19:08

We've been together 2 years and baby was planned.

OP posts: