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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP going on holiday when our baby is 2 weeks old.

149 replies

ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 16:05

I am currently pregnant with my second DC, but first DC between my DP and I. We both have children from previous relationships and I am expecting to give birth in the summer time. Some weeks ago, my DP was invited on a 5 day holiday, it is a 'once in a lifetime' holiday, but one that he did attend last year (think along the lines of climbing and backpacking with friends in a specific place).

The issue is, the holiday is 2 weeks after my due date. Even if I went into labour on my due date, it would mean leaving me at home with my older DC and a 2 week old. That's without considering that I may be overdue, may end up with a traumatic birth (I did last time), c-section etc. He did say that he wouldn't go if I was overdue, but I don't want to be worrying about him and his holiday at a time when I should be thinking about myself and our baby.

I have never (and wouldn't) begrudge him a holiday or time with his friends. If this holiday was at any other time during the year, I would love for him to go! However, I just don't want this anxiety hanging over me throughout the pregnancy, birth or to be left with a newborn and my older DC to contend with (school runs!) on my own. I do have a supportive family, and my DP doesn't understand why they can't come and help me for a few days. I've explained to him that I am sure they would help me, but I want his support, it's our baby and first together, it's a lot to ask from my family, and they also would judge him and be shocked / annoyed at him for going away and leaving me at a vulnerable time. I'm quite upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:
OopsAnotherOne · 13/01/2023 16:50

This is really poor from your DP, he went last year, he needs to turn the holiday down and perhaps rearrange in a couple of years time if he is really that desperate to go.

If he expects your family to help you out while he's off on his jollies, explain him that you'd expect him to ask your family, not you. Putting the expectation on him to have to go to your parents and other family and essentially say:

"I am unavailable to support your daughter and the woman that I am supposed to care for at a time where she will be vulnerable, recovering and in need of help. This is completely my choice as I am choosing a 5 day holiday that I've already been on over spending precious time with my newborn and helping my partner, your daughter, recover from the birth and excluding myself from parenting for 5 days at one of the most difficult times to do so. I am choosing to be absent and am leaving the entire burden of parenting two very young children onto my partner while she will still be physically recovering, and therefore I need you, the extended family, to cover my back and step in while I'm gone".

If you phrase it to him like that he should understand just how outrageous this idea is. If he doesn't, it's an even bigger red flag. I simply can't comprehend how he thinks this is okay in the first place.

I really am sorry OP but whether or not he does go on this holiday, I would be reconsidering my future with a man that sees no issue with leaving you to go on holiday when you need him the most at home.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/01/2023 16:51

I am absolutely furious on your behalf OP. Even if your baby is on time and it's a straightforward birth, you'll still he physically healing, bleeding, up all night, hormonal and everything else. Completely unreasonable for any decent human being to leave their partner when they were like this, for anything non essential, even if you didnt have a tiny newborn and other child to look after.

As an aside would your older childs dad be able to take them if you needed?

Flippingheckfire · 13/01/2023 16:54

Unbelievable behavior! It is not once in a lifetime. They enjoyed last year so much, they decided to do it again this year. They will probably do it again next year - but that is irrelevant. He would rather go and have fun than support his lifetime partner after having giving birth. Assuming you do that on time.
My first was 14 days late, 28 hours in labor and then 5 days in hospital due to an infection. Not what I planned or wanted, but it happens. It took me at least a week after I was home to be able to do normal activities at normal speed around the house.

KazMa · 13/01/2023 16:55

Show him this thread so he realises that you’re not being unreasonable! Sometimes it helps when it’s coming from other people rather than him thinking you’re making a big deal about it

MeinKraft · 13/01/2023 16:57

Nothingbuttheglory · 13/01/2023 16:48

Personally, I'd hate him for seriously considering it.

Same.

RobinRobinMouse · 13/01/2023 16:58

Whats happening with the child/children he already has? Is he dumping them other mother too and leaving her to work around his holidays? Sounds like he has yet to grow up and should start acting like an adult rather than making more children.

Redblanky · 13/01/2023 17:01

I'm fuming but also heartbroken for you OP. I think you have to make plans to raise this child alone.

I'm not generally prone to dramatics and have probably forgiven more than I should over the years, but I couldn't share a bed/home with someone so selfish. Just the fact that he's considered it, even if he bows to pressure and doesn't go, would have ruined everything for me.

BooCrew · 13/01/2023 17:01

I'd love to know why he spilt from his ex-wife...

Eeiliethya · 13/01/2023 17:03

Absolutely not. YANBU.

Eeiliethya · 13/01/2023 17:04

And I'm sorry but your first child is more "once in a lifetime" than a bastard holiday.

Workawayxx · 13/01/2023 17:05

Absolutely not acceptable. What if you were 2 weeks overdue - would he just lose the holiday money? He's also put you in a really shit position for raising this and then you having to be "the bad guy" in asking him not to go rather than him being a mature adult and realising it's not OK.

billy1966 · 13/01/2023 17:08

Coffeeandchocs · 13/01/2023 16:14

As for not understanding why your family can’t come to help for “a few days”. First of all, it’s not a few days it’s five, that would be a lot to ask of even the most supportive family members. I would be so embarrassed to ask my Mum to come and help me with a newborn because my partner was swanning off on holiday when they were less than a few weeks old. My family would be furious if my partner did that.

This.

How long are you with this prince?🙄

I presume this is a short relationship and the pregnancy is a complete accident and you barely know him?

You surely didn't plan a pregnancy with someone who actually thinks this is a goer?

I would be very sad my daughter was procreating with such a selfish loser.

Mind yourself OP, you've got a real dud there.

lanthanum · 13/01/2023 17:12

ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 16:13

It's 'once in a lifetime' in the sense that he did attend the same activity last year, but it is a different location this year. There's also no guarantee that the group of friends will make this an annual event either. Either way, I'm upset and he should be at home with us, in my mind.

No, there's no guarantee it will happen again in the future, because in future years maybe others in the group will have begun parenthood, and hopefully they won't all be as inconsiderate towards their families. Some curtailing of other activities is necessary when you become a parent.

MRSDoos · 13/01/2023 17:13

I’m due in May and would be absolutely livid if my husband did this to me. He has been asked to go away in April and has been asked to join a day out in May both which he has turned down without even asking me because he doesn’t want to plan anything as our baby is due around then

MeinKraft · 13/01/2023 17:14

'presume this is a short relationship and the pregnancy is a complete accident and you barely know him?

You surely didn't plan a pregnancy with someone who actually thinks this is a goer?'

How did you manage to turn this into the OPs fault?

whatstheteamarie · 13/01/2023 17:14

If your "D"P wants to have lots of lads holidays then he should really stop procreating.

Presumably he treated the mother of his first DC in a similar way (I'm thinking he can't have 50/50 care of them if he has 5 days annual leave he can take without kids 🤔) and now he's planning to be equally absent for your joint child.

Has no one ever explained to him how parenting actually works? It's not a case of "shooting your load and then buggering off to do whatever you fancy whilst the mother looks after the resulting infant" he actually has to be present to parent.

What a twat.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 13/01/2023 17:16

You mean ex dp don’t you?
the sheer brass necked cheek and idiocy of men can be breathtaking .

DDivaStar · 13/01/2023 17:16

CosyKnits · 13/01/2023 16:12

The birth of your first child together is once in a lifetime - this holiday isn't.

I can't believe he's even contemplating it.

This.

I just can't get my head around anyone wanting to be away from their 2 week old baby.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/01/2023 17:22

I'm all for holidays. I'm al for partners going away with mates. But this is an absolute piss take and I would be looking at him with new eyes if I were you OP.

Arewethereyet22 · 13/01/2023 17:23

My DH went to an abroad wedding (a friend but not a very good friends) at 2 weeks post baby and my mum came to stay. It was fine but I was a bit jealous I was missing out! It was only for 3 days though and I don’t think I would have been happy with any longer. Personally if you can get good reliable help I’d let him go a ‘bank’ a similar trip for the future.

FurAndFeathers · 13/01/2023 17:26

ProbablyFiend · 13/01/2023 16:13

It's 'once in a lifetime' in the sense that he did attend the same activity last year, but it is a different location this year. There's also no guarantee that the group of friends will make this an annual event either. Either way, I'm upset and he should be at home with us, in my mind.

@ProbablyFiend
surely the birth and newborn bonding of your first child together is the ‘once in a lifetime’ experience ?

he’ll never have another opportunity to bond and support his new family in the same way

Goldbar · 13/01/2023 17:27

I'd be tempted to tell him that your family can't help, he needs to organise 24/7 childcare for your older child if he wants to go.

SchrodingersKettle · 13/01/2023 17:28

well if they are good friends he can arrange it again with them in a few years. Or he can’t and that’s just how the dice roll.

i reckon he’s gonna get a shock when the baby arrives! My dh did. He took two weeks statutory paternity leave and used it to build a shed on the garden! Let’s say it was a learning curve having a screaming infant in the home.

Ivesaidenough · 13/01/2023 17:29

Could this be because it's his first child (guessing) and he has no real idea what it will be like? My DP suggested during my pregnancy with our first together that I should get a lodger to cover my loss of earnings whilst on maternity leave. We have a small flat. 🙄

Ivesaidenough · 13/01/2023 17:30

Sorry, ignore me, I see he already has other DC.