To have cried over DS behaviour?

[BargainBlunt]

DS is 3.5.

Nursery have called in the local authority to provide advice/support on DS. They aren't saying much more, just that there are concerns. I have spoken to GP who is v. dismissive, I completed forms but have since been told by HV I was given out of date forms by GP so now have to wait for them to have rejected and then can 'do other forms but little chance of being seen for 2 years or so", HV tells me not to bother as "it's not autism but anxiety" due to 'trauma' (she thinks covid plus moving house means trauma is causing the behavioural issues). Family and DH tell me there is nothing going on...just need to be firmer, DS takes the piss out of me cos he can etc.

Anyway, just tried to take DS for a haircut. A special kids place with cars. Spent all week talking about it, showing him videos, reading books. He was excited about going this morning. I even booked a double appointment to allow for all the tears and refusal.

DS tried to wreck the place. He licked the walls. He tried to lick the receptionist's face in a kind of mania. He climbed on top of strangers. He ran out into the street and road numerous times. He lay down in the street. Wouldn't let me near him. The hairdresser tried to corner him at one point and he screamed like a wild animal. We gave up after 40 mins. He then tried to run into random houses on the way home. Hid in a bush.

I cried in the car and called DH. DH told me I was making it all a bigger deal than it needed to be

"Stop over thinking everything"

I honestly feel like I'm gaslit. We keep having episodes like that and DH, GP, MiL, HV keep telling me it's just 'some kids'. Nursery staff seem to think something going on for DS too but everyone close to me thinks I'm being dramatic.

DH said me crying was making it all worse.

DS apologised in the car. Said he was scared. Kept saying "hair cup ouchy" and "sorry mummy". Which did make me feel awful. Should I not let him see me upset?

Hairdresser at one point said "poor boy has got his hair all in his eyes. you need to get that sorted mum" while I was trying to pin him down so he wouldn't tear the posters off the wall.

I mean....it's upsetting isn't it? I feel like everyone is saying basically this is normal mum stuff and I'm just not coping.

Am I being OTT? Do I just need to get my shit together? Is parenting a 3 year old boy really just this hard? I am finding it really hard to not tearful and DH is getting frustrated with me.

Obviously meant write 🤦‍♀️😂

It sounds as if your DS most definitely has additional needs, and parenting him is obviously very hard work, but it's actually your "D"H who is the main problem. He sounds awful, he sounds borderline abusive towards both of you tbh. I don't know the answer - I assume you don't want to leave him so you'll have to try and get him to do couple's counselling and/or a parenting course with you. He probably won't do it though or will do it half heartedly but not engage. What were/are his own parents like?

By the way, the reason DS behaves worse with you is that you're his safe person. If he behaves better with his father when you're not there, it's because he knows it is literally not safe for him to express his negative emotions without you there to protect him.

PS If you have not yet done so, look up the SENDIASS service - on your county council website - and contact them. Good source of advice and support.

I've only read the original post so forgive me if I've missed something.

To answer your question, no, parenting a 3.5 y/o should not be this hard (coming from a mum who currently has a 3.5 year old, and who has a newphew of a very similar age).

Hair cuts can be scary for young kids - my son has had a few now and still gets nervous before one. But he's never reacted to the degree that your son did.

He sounds like a sweet boy - apologising for upsetting you and all. I think you need to go back to nursery and say you've not got anywhere with GP/HV and ask if there's any further support from their end. I'd suggest going private for testing (ASD) and see where you end up.

God luck! This all sounds very hard and im not surprised you've reached your limit given such an apparent lack of support from DH. Speaking of, can you ask him to get his haircut with him? Might give him some perspective.

Sorry, something else to add. If you can pay for a private OT and/or SALT assessment, it's cheaper than a full ASD assessment but will help provide evidence to get an ASD assessment on the NHS, and will also provide some practical info to help you in the meantime.

Of course he behaved with his father. He's scared of him and knew mum wasn't around to save him. This isn't the "ah ha!" your husband thinks it is.

I'm so sorry Op, it is so very hard. I have had many tears in the past with my DD's behaviour. I had the same as you, everyone told me I just needed to be firmer with her, I knew from her being 2 that something was going on with her, she is 9 this year and has finally been diagnosed with DCD and ADHD.

It is a really long hard road OP, but just keep fighting.

Haven't been able to rtft so may have been asked already. You mention that he is always trying to turn up the volume on things and has delayed speech - has his hearing been tested?

It’s restraint collapse and totally normal.

Your son "masks" with your husband. My DD does the same with my mum, and at school.

Look up the "shaken Coke bottle effect."

You've been given so much advice already op and you must feel so overwhelmed by everything.

In your situation I would try to set up a meeting with the nursery to discuss the concerns they have about your child and ask your husband to come along too. Then you can go from there.

You sound like a really good mum.

My DH resisted our son's diagnosis until his first appointment with the paediatrician where she said, bluntly, 'I don't say this often but I am very confident Minimolly will receive a diagnosis of ASD'

Took him about 48 hours to process that, then he was on board, finally.

V grateful to that blunt paediatrician!

I have two daughters with SEND and I know exactly how you feel. My eldest is 6 and diagnosed with ASD and my youngest is 5 and is in final stages of getting her EHCP (we are in Northern Ireland so it's called a statement here). She doesn't have a diagnosis yet but on wait list for ASD/ADHD clinic and I'm fairly sure she will get a diagnosis of both asd and adhd.
My advice is to be the most annoying person ever. You are your child's advocate to these professionals and the more you are on at them the faster they will help. Get a full page diary and write down in it anything your son has done each day that is a cause for concern and then you have a shit tonne of examples and evidence of his behaviour. Ignore HV, my HV had nothing to do with my kids process. See if you can speak to a different gp and ask for a speech and language referral. Go to the nursery and ask for a meeting to discuss what is happening with your son and ask for the senco to be there. Its good they have contacted local authority as that would hopefully be the beginning of getting a EHCP.
As for dh my god! So your son is good for him and then goes hyper for you because you are his safe place. He is masking his emotions when with your dh because he doesn't see him as safe and so he cannot express his full emotions around him. The hour after I get my kids home from school is the mental hour in my house, ever emotion and feeling they have masked and bottled up in school pours out of them onto me because I am their safe person! It's so difficult! Your dh needs help to understand neurotypical behaviours and to manage his anger!
Lastly, NONE of this is your fault! I was riddled with guilt over my daughters thinking I'd caused it, it is just who they are! They are absolutely amazing little girls and it's a part of them! Your son sounds amazing too and you BOTH just need support!

Why don't you enlighten us then, instead of posting links? How would you parent a neurodiverse toddler?

"At WSCC, we offer support for autistic families and their children with stem cell therapy treatments that can transform autistic conditions by healing the gut, decreasing inflammation, and improving overall brain functioning."

My bullshit klaxon is going crackers right now. OP, pay absolutely no heed to @emptythelitterbox

Feel for you!!!!

I haven't had children that age yet so I don't know much, but this sounds like an awful lot and I would be asking those questions too.

Must be frustrating to not be listened to by family.

Also, the hairdresser's comment is really annoying.

Not RTFT, just chiming in to hopefully make you feel less shit/less alone.

My eldest has ASD (and ADHD and Dyspraxia) he’s 22 now and it’s been a horrendous rollercoaster but he’s actually a massive joy in my life now - just saying this to give you some hope for the future!

Personally, I let my boy’s hair do it’s own thing as he absolutely hated it being cut/sitting still with strangers.
I just used to trim a bit off when he was asleep and let him rock a shaggy surfer boy look.

I clipped finger and toe nails while he slept too!

you’ll find coping strategies of your own but frankly, an ASD diagnosis doesn’t do much beyond a bit of extra understanding in school. It’s tempting to cling to a potential diagnosis as life raft but even after it’s official, not much really changes (I remember getting a stack of leaflets and a form for applying for DLA and thinking, ‘shit!’)

what was helpful was a short course for parents of children with ASD run by occupational therapists. It helped me identify and manage DS’s sensory difficulties, and also to understand them and be less embarrassed/frustrated by his idiosyncrasies.
The camaraderie of the course was excellent so if anything like that comes up for you please do sign up, however, a lot of similar info will be online, free, and easily accessed now, without any wait. I would definitely recommend learning as much as you can about the sensory processing aspect of ASD - it’s the most pressing thing in the toddler/primary years.

For my son to have a 121 assessment with an occupational therapist was a three year wait back in 2011! And that was after the wait for assessment/diagnosis. Hate to think what it might be like now.

best of luck! You will get through this 💐

He’s a toddler! of course OP hasn’t taught him how to behave yet! 🤦‍♀️

It takes a whole 18 years to ‘teach a child how to behave’ - that’s why we are responsible for them until then!

Plus that parenting advice is from a dodgy for-profit clinic in Mexico peddling an experimental therapy that isn't necessarily any help! @emptythelitterbox is spreading medical misinformation.

www.bbc.com/future/article/20190819-the-unwarranted-hype-of-stem-cell-therapies-for-autism-ms

"Autistic parenting is a full-time job that requires all your efforts and resources."

Unlike normal parenting? 🤔

That whole article is nonsense. Those parenting styles are toxic to all children.

Being ND, it's easier for me to post a link.

That's quite alright as a ND woman, I'm quite used to being dismissed and ignored.

Right, you have to wait until they're 18 before they can behave in public.

I meant age appropriate expectations, but you knew that at least I hope you did.

I meant age appropriate expectations, but you knew that at least I hope you did.

No I don't think many people reading your comment would have got that.

They would have just seen an incredibly harsh and judgemental and unhelpful comment to someone who is clearly at the end of her tether and reaching out for help.