To have cried over DS behaviour?

[BargainBlunt]

DS is 3.5.

Nursery have called in the local authority to provide advice/support on DS. They aren't saying much more, just that there are concerns. I have spoken to GP who is v. dismissive, I completed forms but have since been told by HV I was given out of date forms by GP so now have to wait for them to have rejected and then can 'do other forms but little chance of being seen for 2 years or so", HV tells me not to bother as "it's not autism but anxiety" due to 'trauma' (she thinks covid plus moving house means trauma is causing the behavioural issues). Family and DH tell me there is nothing going on...just need to be firmer, DS takes the piss out of me cos he can etc.

Anyway, just tried to take DS for a haircut. A special kids place with cars. Spent all week talking about it, showing him videos, reading books. He was excited about going this morning. I even booked a double appointment to allow for all the tears and refusal.

DS tried to wreck the place. He licked the walls. He tried to lick the receptionist's face in a kind of mania. He climbed on top of strangers. He ran out into the street and road numerous times. He lay down in the street. Wouldn't let me near him. The hairdresser tried to corner him at one point and he screamed like a wild animal. We gave up after 40 mins. He then tried to run into random houses on the way home. Hid in a bush.

I cried in the car and called DH. DH told me I was making it all a bigger deal than it needed to be

"Stop over thinking everything"

I honestly feel like I'm gaslit. We keep having episodes like that and DH, GP, MiL, HV keep telling me it's just 'some kids'. Nursery staff seem to think something going on for DS too but everyone close to me thinks I'm being dramatic.

DH said me crying was making it all worse.

DS apologised in the car. Said he was scared. Kept saying "hair cup ouchy" and "sorry mummy". Which did make me feel awful. Should I not let him see me upset?

Hairdresser at one point said "poor boy has got his hair all in his eyes. you need to get that sorted mum" while I was trying to pin him down so he wouldn't tear the posters off the wall.

I mean....it's upsetting isn't it? I feel like everyone is saying basically this is normal mum stuff and I'm just not coping.

Am I being OTT? Do I just need to get my shit together? Is parenting a 3 year old boy really just this hard? I am finding it really hard to not tearful and DH is getting frustrated with me.

Ask to see another GP and ask nursery staff to record their observations. You need someone to listen to you and for those who also have concerns to liaise with you about it. These things are so much easier to handle with professional backing.

Sometimes families are really resistant to there being an issue with kids. Don't let DH and MIL bully you into turning the other cheek. You know DS best and you are possibly witnessing more of the behaviour as you are with him more.

It's a dick move on DH's part to blame you for the behaviour but it's not uncommon at all. Lots of men react that way. I can understand why he wouldn't want it to be true BUT if it is the case then the sooner you can get DS on the pathway to a diagnosis the better.

If you have the money, you can pay to have autism & ADHD assessments privately for under £1000. I know it's a lot of money but thought I'd mention it as the 2+ year wait for NHS assessments can be very stressful.

Can you look to join a facebook group of parents going through assessment? You may find that some of the comments there really resonate with you.

I just wanted to say what a brilliant job you're doing, OP, in such difficult circumstances. DS is very lucky to have you as his mummy, it's clear you've got his back even when those around you might not, yet. Hope you get some help from the professionals soon.
Unmumsnetty hugs

You need to have a serious chat with DH about his behaviour. It’s not acceptable at all.
Yes, it’s hard recognising your child is not who you though he’d be but taking that out on him will only make things worse! It’ll make him more anxious, etc.

It’s a difficult journey and you need help and support, not anger.

How about private SLT? Or play therapy?

Can you create a safe sensory space for him at home?

@BargainBlunt
When DS has meltdowns like today he whispers "mummy help me" in between the tears and running from wall to wall. Breaks my heart.

I agree that you need your child assessed.
Your child seems to be recognizing something is wrong, beyond his control. I'm thinking paediatric consult to start. Your husband needs to work with you in the best interest of your son. 🌹 This is not your imagination. How insulting of your husband to be dismissive and accuse you of being intoxicated when you were struggling with your son.

Isn't she the best! Got that little one held tight.

And this

How is your DS with things like noise?

Fear of hand driers etc. That is an absolute klaxon. Motorbikes. I notice you say you struggle with parties and outings.

The obsessive light flicking sounds familiar. My son is on the spectrum and was hard to keep away from switches. He also had a major thing about latches, windows, keys etc.

Btw, the 'everything literal' thing has been overblown. Many autistic people can be highly creative and imaginative so I wouldn't buy any shit from anyone who uses that as a bar to diagnosis.

He really does sound as if he is asking for help himself.

DS tried to wreck the place. He licked the walls. He tried to lick the receptionist's face in a kind of mania. He climbed on top of strangers. He ran out into the street and road numerous times. He lay down in the street. Wouldn't let me near him. The hairdresser tried to corner him at one point and he screamed like a wild animal. We gave up after 40 mins. He then tried to run into random houses on the way home. Hid in a bush.

No, not at all typical behaviour. TBH not even typical for autistic - not to that extent. At the point he tried to lick the receptionist's face and climb on top of strangers, - that's the point you need to intervene and remove. Because when you are dealing with an autistic child, you need to get really good at noticing triggers and stop it before it gets to to this level. Poor boy - his senses were off the scale.

More like quite possible your DH is autistic as it your MIL - so to them, it's 'normal' behaviour.

Listen to nursery - they see hundreds of children this age. They know. You need to get this sorted in terms of support before he starts school or else you'll be knowing even more within a couple of days of him being there.

Fuck me, the man you’re married to is a failure.

As a father and a husband.

Dear OP I so feel for you. There will be so much better advice on here than I can offer but just want you to know that I am sending you all the best vibes possible. And a virtual hug. I wish I could help. 🌸🌸🌸

@gemstoneju he doesn't like unexpected loud noise v much. But otherwise he seeks it out. Obsessed with turning volume up until its unbearably loud. He would like to sit in the dark with the TV volume on a 100!

Sorry just to say I read your update, and honestly, I feel for you. My child is Autistic and ADHD (both diagnosed ) with possible Sensory Processing Disorder on top. Parenting a non neuro typical child is bloody hard work, that people with neuro typical children just will never ever understand. Everyone else mininising it and saying it's 'normal' when even you know yourself it's not is bloody exhausting on top of everywhere.

I guess I'm just saying, before you know and the professionals have got involved, just know it's absolutely fine to remove your child if /when things get too much for them..Don't ever feel you have to force them to do something. No good will come of it! Having said that, Autism/ADHD is not an excuse for poor behaviour. You'll get very good very quickly at recognising when it's worth making a deal out of!

Reading between the lines. OP is minimising the nature of her relationship with DH. HV is aware it is potentially abusive and being witnessed by child which is why she thinks behaviour is trauma related.

@StaunchMomma I would find the money for it. I struggled to find a private doctor. Also I read that a private diagnosis might not be accepted when it comes to NHS/applying for EHCP.

I am struggling with the procedures and forms. I need to get back on it. Don't know why I'm finding it so hard to make progress!!

So now he is accusing you of drinking?

Fuck him divorce him

Your DH sounds like a twat OP, you have enough to deal with and he’s just adding to that.

Your DP behaving nastily, OP. Is he often like that?

Are you SAHM? (Sorry if you already said this).

@LucyMcAndrew he can be v dismissive. He hates it when I get upset. I'm usuallt the one putting a positive spin on things but he can be nasty when I get upset or worried

No I work.

He sounds like a shit dad and a shit husband OP, sorry you're in that position.

Your DS obviously isn't being naughty when he turns of the lights and turns up the volume - it is sensory behaviour again. He needs somewhere that he can go that is dark and that he can make loud - headphones maybe? It is probably how he relaxes and will probably find it very calming if he gets over whelmed. He is trying to organise it for himself just to be told he is being naughty which is very sad. He sounds like such a sweet heart.

I think your OH is a fucking arse, he gives me the rage and doesn't deserve either of you.

This all sounds very like my nephew. He’s 5 now (year 1) and is now on the pathway to diagnosis. So far ADHD is looking almost certain and Autism is possible too. You’re right to notice that this isn’t just typical 3 year old behaviour.

What do you mean by nasty?

Your husband tried to pin your child down today? That's what you should be starting a thread about. Ring women's aid and get your child out of this abusive home first and foremost.

Yes, this sounds more than just ‘very annoyed’.

Tell your DH to take him for a haircut tomorrow morning if it's that easy.
I'm really sorry OP, I don't have kids so can't give advice but just wanted to say that it sounds like you're trying your absolute best in the face of a bit of a shit storm xx

Your DH is being very unkind.