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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to stay with a couple?

228 replies

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 05:02

I've been working on a creative project with with X for two years. We live at opposite ends of the country.

We planned two nights in a luxury 2 bedroomed apart-hotel a few miles from my house to plan the next stage of the project. We'll be spitting the cost 50/50. The idea was to give us 48 hours of clear headspace to work on the project.

Only after I booked the hotel she told me that her husband would be coming with her. (I'm single). I don't know him and don't really want to spend what I thought was going to be a 'girls' worktrip with him. I've suggested that we change to a one bedroom apartment and I just join her for work during the daytimes.

She's really keen than I come and promises that he will be out sightseeing during the daytimes. He will also buy dinner on the first night to make it up to me. She has also apologized for not asking me beforehand. The trip is her birthday present to him.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to stay with a couple?

OP posts:
euff · 13/01/2023 09:14

Even if he does go out for the day it still makes it awkward as you will be thinking about when he comes back etc, he's clearly not planning on spending his entire birthday weekend alone. That clear headspace you thought was planned isn't there anymore. She is out of order and should have kept her personal life and his birthday treat entirely separate from your work weekend.

I can understand spouses travelling with a partner on a work trip where the work isn't in the hotel room but they go out to work. Even then in this case it seems very clear what this trip was for and she's hijacked it. There's probably going to be bad feelings any which way now.

Shinyandnew1 · 13/01/2023 09:17

I wouldn’t have wanted to do this either.

If you live at opposite ends of the country though, why do you keep arranging to meet up near one or the other? Wouldn’t it be easier travel-wise to meet in the middle?

KettrickenSmiled · 13/01/2023 09:17

GodisaBC · 13/01/2023 09:02

Massive drip feed that her dh came last time. So it’s not a big stretch that he would come this time.

By prior arrangement, & as part of a large group.

Totally different dynamic.

Nogbreaks · 13/01/2023 09:19

'I think you're being bit of a CF in your updates expecting her to do and pay for the travelling, pay for the accommodation and the work space while you shell.out nothing and get to stay at home.'

Bullshit! This has completely the dynamic - it's supposed to be work, OP shouldn't be made to feel like a third wheel. Of course he will be a distraction.

Your colleague can either re-book or keep the bigger place, but it's not up to you to sort this. We have frequent overseas conferences with colleagues and senior ones sometimes bring their partners along if it's a nice venue - not supposed to but it happens - and it completely changes the dynamic!
Suddenly those colleagues aren't at breakfast with every one, pop to their rooms at break or lunch, miss the communal dinners ( which are seated and compulsory) because they're 'tired' or need to run through their presentation, or they leave the dinners early etc.

Basically he WILL be a distraction and there's no way I would share an apartment with him.

1hyuny · 13/01/2023 09:20

MissMarplesbag · 13/01/2023 05:51

She's trying to get you to subsidise her husband so I'd cancel & give them the alternatives listed by pp's.

I wouldn't be comfortable staying especially on what is now a private couple's break.

This. She's not a friend she's using you to make the bill cheaper. CF indeed.

xogossipgirlxo · 13/01/2023 09:24

I was meant to go hiking in Scotland with my friend when she decided to invite her new boyfriend with us. I had to decline my boyfriend coming, as it was supposed to be girls trip. I didn't go in the end. Your offer is reasonable, no wonder you don't feel comfortable with the situation now.

Richelieu · 13/01/2023 09:25

It really goes without saying that if you went away for a weekend birthday treat with your other half to a lovely penthouse suite in a nice hotel, you'd expect to wake up late, maybe have breakfast in bed, then perhaps meander round the nearest town, enjoy the sights, mosey around the antiques shops/secondhand bookshops, have coffee and cake, book a promising restaurant for the evening….WITH YOUR PARTNER. Well, I would. You get the idea.

Apparently OP's workmate doesn’t envisage any of this, her DH will be turfed out of the penthouse sharpish and made to wander the streets on his birthday weekend, alone (in possible wind/rain?) while the two of them have their intensive 48 hours of work focus. How likely does this sound?

Yes, quite.

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 09:25

Thanks for all the replies, super helpful.

I've emailed her to let her know I'll definitely sleep at home. I'll transfer the booking into her name and it's up to her if she wants to downsize and work in the communal areas, or have it as just a birthday treat for her DH and we can rearrange the work trip another time.

OP posts:
Thighlengthboots · 13/01/2023 09:29

No way would I feel comfortable with this. Its a work trip so why is she trying to combine it with a romantic birthday present for him? its either one or the other surely? I would not be happy about this at all and would not be sharing accommodation with them. Urgh.

Richelieu · 13/01/2023 09:30

Very gracefully handled, @LadyMaine. You’re more forgiving than me, I suspect; this would really push my buttons!

liveforsummer · 13/01/2023 09:31

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 09:25

Thanks for all the replies, super helpful.

I've emailed her to let her know I'll definitely sleep at home. I'll transfer the booking into her name and it's up to her if she wants to downsize and work in the communal areas, or have it as just a birthday treat for her DH and we can rearrange the work trip another time.

Very fair - please let us know how she responds.

thewinterwitch · 13/01/2023 09:32

That completely changes the dynamic, and will affect your project. If you, for example, got on a roll with it and wanted to forgo dinner, there's third wheel hanging around. I can't stand couples who are glued to the hip.

wizzywig · 13/01/2023 09:33

Where is this place ? It sounds amazing

CherieBabySpliffUp · 13/01/2023 09:33

Hopefully this was just her being impulsive and not thinking rather than her taking the piss. I hope that she can see that she has overstepped somewhat and you're able to sort something out.

YoungTeashe · 13/01/2023 09:35

.

Original poster
LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 09:37

KettrickenSmiled · 13/01/2023 09:17

By prior arrangement, & as part of a large group.

Totally different dynamic.

Show quote history

The previous trip where her husband came up was specifically a social event and not work. I only spent one evening with them as part of a larger group for dinner. Work wasn't even discussed over the dinner as most of the others present were not part of the project. This is not drip-feeding.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 13/01/2023 09:40

She's really keen than I come.... He will also buy dinner on the first night to make it up to me....... The trip is her birthday present to him.

You are the birthday present.

Verbena17 · 13/01/2023 09:41

@LadyMaine When you say you’ve transferred the booking into her name, and she can either downsize or have it as a birthday treat, she does know she has to pay for it all yes?

WinnieFosterReads · 13/01/2023 09:42

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 09:25

Thanks for all the replies, super helpful.

I've emailed her to let her know I'll definitely sleep at home. I'll transfer the booking into her name and it's up to her if she wants to downsize and work in the communal areas, or have it as just a birthday treat for her DH and we can rearrange the work trip another time.

You've handled this really well.
I agree with a PP that her DH might be abusive and has pushed her to 'invite' him. If that is the case, going forward you may want to consider how to maintain boundaries without isolating her and jeopardising the project.

Nicecow · 13/01/2023 09:49

If change it, I wouldn't want to stay with a couple either. So awkward, changes the whole dynamics

Swissmountains · 13/01/2023 09:51

LadyMaine · 13/01/2023 09:37

The previous trip where her husband came up was specifically a social event and not work. I only spent one evening with them as part of a larger group for dinner. Work wasn't even discussed over the dinner as most of the others present were not part of the project. This is not drip-feeding.

Show quote history

Maybe your friend made an assumption that it worked out well last night, and you know him - where is the harm.

I don't think it is good form, but some people don't think things through, she probably thought it would be fun and a good opportunity to blend the two.

I am laid back about these things generally, but this would annoy me as it changes the whole dynamic and purpose of the trip. It has also been organised in a way that made it very difficult for you to say you would rather he didn't come. Where was the conversation? She should have asked you in principle would you mind and given you the opportunity to say you would rather keep things as planned and withouts dhs.

MatronicO6 · 13/01/2023 09:52

YANBU. She knew what she was doing was inappropriate as she didn't tell you about it before booking, ask if you were ok with it and then offered an apologetic meal.

Who would want to share a hotel room with a couple celebrating their birthday weekend?

Think you have been very reasonable in your response and it's good to set the boundaries between professional relationship and friendship.

warmzebra · 13/01/2023 09:54

musingsinmidlife · 13/01/2023 05:18

This is a work trip so outside of work hours it is perfectly fine for her to spend it with her husband. Girls trips are what you do with person friends - not work trips.

Many people bring spouses and family in work trips, that in itself is no big deal.

The only thing you need to change is the accommodation. Get two separate spaces now that her husband is also coming.

I think OP envisioned it as a kind of team bonding trip (especially as they cooperate remotely), which justified part of the expense. People do bring their spouses and families on work trips but usually you get it okayed beforehand.

Swissmountains · 13/01/2023 09:56

You have handled it well, I would be prepared for her to reply with a tone of disappointment that you have 'pulled out'. This might suddenly be you letting her down and not the other way around.
Her reply is likely to tell you everything you need to know about her reasons for inviting him in the first place. (If it is money/freeloading she will be annoyed, if it is genuine misunderstanding she will be accept your decision and may offer an apology. If she is indifferent and just wants the convenience of 'killing two birds' in one weekend that will also be evident)

I am very interested to see how she replies.

pinkyredrose · 13/01/2023 09:57

RedHelenB · 13/01/2023 06:13

I think you're being bit of a CF in your updates expecting her to do and pay for the travelling, pay for the accommodation and the work space while you shell.out nothing and get to stay at home.

Do you have problems with comprehension?

OP YANBU.

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