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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why so many people choose to have such a short age gap between their children?

616 replies

Lightningfast · 12/01/2023 20:28

I hear of so many people with two children two years apart and can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would want

a. To be pregnant with a child of around only a year old
b. To have a newborn baby when the older one is still a toddler and therefore still needs support in so many really basic ways. Sure, they don’t need the same level of support as a new baby but still...

I’ve heard the ‘they will be close enough to be friends’ theory but in practice I have seen at least as many if not rather more siblings who are close in age but are not especially close emotionally and it feels a rather weak reason.
I see this happening so often, even with mothers who have really struggled with getting their first baby to feed, sleep etc. and yet seem hellbent on having another only a matter of months later. Just...why?

If this is you I’m not judging, just genuinely interested in what you are getting out of it.

OP posts:
AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii · 12/01/2023 20:34

@Mrsjayy this was another deciding factor for us I wanted back to work (community nursing) fairly quickly without needing to take another break, I also wanted to start my nurse training which would have had to have waited even longer if I’d had a gap currently nearing the end of second year and looking forward to qualifying next year

AardvarkParty · 12/01/2023 20:34

It took us nearly 3 years to conceive DC1, so we were worried about waiting too long to start trying for DC2.

As luck would have it I got pregnant almost immediately 😬

Cuppasoupmonster · 12/01/2023 20:35

LetsAllGoOnStrike · 12/01/2023 20:30

Age of mother?

This in many cases.

febbabies2023 · 12/01/2023 20:35

We will have a 2.5 year age gap between our children (due in 5 weeks with baby 2)

She wasn't actually planned, complete accident.

However, I'm quite glad that I'll be done after this. No more pregnancy, no more birth, no more worrying about tracking cycles and TTC.

I'm 28 and I'm glad I've had them both younger and closer together, gets all the baby stuff out of the way and you'd be surprised at how self sufficient toddlers can be when they want to be!

Yes it's hard work, and I did want a slightly bigger age gap, but it's not the end of the world and there are definitely some positives!

gogohmm · 12/01/2023 20:35

2 years seemed perfect to me

Lennon80 · 12/01/2023 20:36

It’s very simple - it’s economics - mum is on Mat leave when one would require extortionate nursery costs.

AnnieApple123 · 12/01/2023 20:36

It’s not always planned!

Threesmycrowd · 12/01/2023 20:36

Yep, our ages were a factor. Also we wanted 3 - big age gaps get harder once you get past 2 kids. Family days out/holidays are easy. Easier with our 3 than with friends who have bigger ages gaps (even though the gap between eldest and youngest is big somehow having the middle bridges that and holds them together). Helps that ours all get on. Also once past toddler/newborn age when slightly older they were adorable together, played beautifully. Most of the time! Our small gaps have worked perfectly for us and for what it's worth I didnt find toddlerhood more demanding than any other age. Every stage of parenting with every different kid has its challenges.

GiltEdges · 12/01/2023 20:36

defi · 12/01/2023 20:29

I'm one and done so can't really answer. I imagine they just want to get the baby/toddler stage out the way all at once.

Snap. If I was to have had another, this would have been my reasoning.

Abra1t · 12/01/2023 20:36

20 months between mine. We wanted to get the most intense stage done. The second wasn’t 100% more work because I was already in the zone of baby care.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 12/01/2023 20:37

I did this, didn't find it a problem physically so being pregnant with a 1yo wasn't a big deal. Loved getting the baby years over and done with (I can't imagine why you'd want to drag that out personally). My eldest doesn't remember life without their sibling and I invested a lot of time teaching them how to share well etc so they have a really amicable relationship and are close (I do think that's important otherwise the older one who is still a toddler when second arrives can struggle which may sometimes affect their relationship negatively long term).
Now they're much older family days out are a doddle as they are happy to do similar things as skill and maturity level aren't too far apart.
Horses for courses though isn't it.
I would hate to have a baby and then 3+years later have another so that I was dwelling in sleepless nights and nappies for 6 years or so. 😱😱

AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii · 12/01/2023 20:37

From my experience as well I already had a child when I met DH there was 5 years between them and my 9 year old when he was born and it was a shock to the system going back to sleepless nights etc found it much easier when I had my last

AnnaTortoiseshell · 12/01/2023 20:37

It can’t be beyond you to see that some people have different opinions from you, OP!

If you need further explanation than this, for me (age gap 2y) I wanted a small gap so that my DC would be interested in similar things at similar times. I also wanted to get the baby years out of the way in one go, for my sanity and for my career. I want them to be close and hopefully friends as they grow up. It’s hard work but actually completely lovely having a toddler and a baby. I wouldn’t change it for the world, but I can totally see why others wouldn’t want to do it!

Mrsjayy · 12/01/2023 20:37

AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii · 12/01/2023 20:34

@Mrsjayy this was another deciding factor for us I wanted back to work (community nursing) fairly quickly without needing to take another break, I also wanted to start my nurse training which would have had to have waited even longer if I’d had a gap currently nearing the end of second year and looking forward to qualifying next year

I can see why women do this I mean they shouldn't feel pressured getting back to work with no gaps shouldn't be the goal. Iyswim.

CatNamedBob · 12/01/2023 20:38

Gets the nappy stage out of the way. Gets the career impact of maternity leave out of the way. Closer in age so hopefully more common interests for days out and holidays. Easier for them to play together when they're at similar stages. It's how I pictured my family - two siblings close in age - like me and my sister or DH and his sister.

WaddleAway · 12/01/2023 20:38

Like many others, while we were in the thick of the baby/toddler stage it made sense to get it out of the way. There are 20 months between them, and at 9 and 7 they are genuinely best of friends, so it worked out well.

ShaunaTheSheep · 12/01/2023 20:38

Sorry OP but you do sound judge despite your protestations.

My DC's age gaps are what I was blessed with and I wouldn't have it any other way. They ARE great friends etc etc.

Onnabugeisha · 12/01/2023 20:38

For me one every two years was perfect. Had four from age 24-30

It meant I wasn’t having a teen plus a toddler. Like one of my friends…her youngest son is younger than her first grandson because of how she spaced her DC. Nightmare!

It also meant I was done with pregnancy & childbearing fairly quickly and could get back to my career at 30. (Maternity at the time & place was 12 weeks unpaid). This same friend as above had not worked for over twenty years by being a SAHM until the DC started school, and then getting pregnant again. She had 5 DC, one every 5 years, and didn’t restart her career until age 46.

And yes, they do entertain each other when close in age. It’s also much easier to plan family days out when you aren’t dragging 13yr olds to places geared towards 7yr olds.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 12/01/2023 20:38

In my case - alcohol...

Cheers.

Talipesmum · 12/01/2023 20:38

I aimed for a 2 year age gap and got one. I’m two years apart from my sister and lots of our friends were two years apart from their siblings and they always seemed close and we were v close (and still are).

It’s harder when they’re little but it’s a lot easier when they’re a bit older cos they like similar age things so you can do soft play and they both like it, craft things they’ll both like, not too far apart in sports skill etc.

And I preferred to get all the exhausting stuff out of the way while I was still knackered. Couldn’t have faced starting it up again if it had all got better!

I can understand the other view, but these are my reasons!

Mrsjayy · 12/01/2023 20:39

Although a friend of mine had a single the twins 15 months apart that was a "'suprise" 😄

yorkshirepudsx · 12/01/2023 20:39

I'm 20 weeks pregnant and have a toddler, there will be 17 months between them.

It was a miracle I even got pregnant with my first (endometriosis, surgery after surgery, found out I was expecting at a pre-op for more surgery) but the endometriosis ruins most aspects of my life. I have bad flare ups and no treatments offered to me help, the pain is relentless.
I wasn't planning to get pregnant this soon. I was hoping to wait a bit longer, but I was happy when I found out I am.
But for me, this means that once #2 is born, my specialists will finally be willing to try other treatments OR finally agree to me having a hysterectomy.

So it means that I might be worn out for a while when it comes to parenting, but I can get all of the baby stuff out of the way and also get the endometriosis under control. Then I can have a better quality of life and enjoy my children properly ❤️
I feel like if I'd of waited longer between kids, I'd of missed out in some ways with my first regardless as the endometriosis absolutely floors me sometimes.

But that's just me! I don't know other peoples reasons, as I said I never expected to have one child nevermind get pregnant again! But it's working in my favour, and I'm excited to see my little one welcome a sibling into the world x

Northernsoullover · 12/01/2023 20:39

I had a two year gap due to contraceptive failure. I'm glad it happened like that now, tough as it was.

Eixample · 12/01/2023 20:40

I have a planned 12 month gap as it was the best option for us but it has had loads of advantages I hadn’t expected.

Bettethebuilder · 12/01/2023 20:40

Mine are 21 months apart. It’s been great. I can’t understand why anyone would want more than two years apart, if they can choose. It’s so much better to have them closer in age -they can play together, they relate to each other, you can take them to the same shows and holidays and experiences and they’ll get the same enjoyment out of them, they’ll be at the same schools for much of the time. Mine are only a school year apart. I just think it’s so much easier to have them closer in age.