To wonder why so many people choose to have such a short age gap between their children?

[Lightningfast]

I hear of so many people with two children two years apart and can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would want

a. To be pregnant with a child of around only a year old
b. To have a newborn baby when the older one is still a toddler and therefore still needs support in so many really basic ways. Sure, they don’t need the same level of support as a new baby but still...

I’ve heard the ‘they will be close enough to be friends’ theory but in practice I have seen at least as many if not rather more siblings who are close in age but are not especially close emotionally and it feels a rather weak reason.
I see this happening so often, even with mothers who have really struggled with getting their first baby to feed, sleep etc. and yet seem hellbent on having another only a matter of months later. Just...why?

If this is you I’m not judging, just genuinely interested in what you are getting out of it.

I have a 17 month gap, they are now 2 1/2 years and the other just turned 4 years. Both out of nappies, both sleeping through. They are best friends, love each others company & not constantly wanting my attention like I see my friends kids doing as they have one another. I’m back working, got a promotion end of last year.
For me the baby years are done, I’m back in track work and health wise and adore my children. I’v been with my cousin today with her 2 week old and 3 year old, it looked hard work and whilst I’m asleep tonight albeit awake at 6 with kids, she will be up breastfeeding and up at 6 with her toddler - no thanks, glad I got it all done at once .

1 Age - I had first at 35 so not much room for a large gap. Wouldn’t want to risk trying in my 40s.

2 Activities/holidays can be easier. A 5 and 7 year old are going to enjoy more similar activities or places compared to 5 and 15 year old.

3 Going back to baby stage after being out of it. For some it’s easier to keep going with young children than to take a break

4 Set up of house with toys etc. I have plans for home improvements that will only really work with older children so that would be delayed. Not the most significant point.

5 A smaller window of having true dependants. My SIL and her husband are going on holidays on their own now as their two children are now at uni. If you have a ten year gap that’s a lot of time when you’ve got children young enough that need to be supervised all the time.

Because everybody’s different.

though I realise that if everyone understood this AIBU would be a much quieter place

15 months between mine. Both planned pregnancies. I knew I didn't want my firstborn to be an only child and the nightmare I had with her (colic, sleep, allergies, etc.) were horrendous and I also knew that if I left baby number two any later, I wouldn't have ever gone back for another baby. Plus, I wanted to take a short career break and complete our family so having them both close in age meant we'd be done quicker.

Sometimes you don't get a choice with multiples, and then don't feel 'done' after one pregnancy.
I had them close in age as I was very ill in pregnancy and only wanted to do it as young as I could, and get that part out of the way. Yes it's harder on the other side with multiple young children but those stages seem to go by so quickly.

Posted too soon... the concept of both Dc being best friends is complete bullshit. Mine have bickered and fought from the minute they've become their own little people. I am exhausted from playing referee all the time.

Gets it out of the way.
Vaguely into similar things.
Friends can flit between both.
You naturally move on to new things at the same time.
Cost.

You get to be free earlier.

Same stages at more or less the same time- means they like similar stuff so toys are shared and days out are easy.
I like doing stuff altogether which is easir when they are have similar ability levels.
They can go to the same clubs- both go to brownies or whatever and can have that bit of independence when the eldest ages out.
Hand me downs are direct so no storing stuff for years.
Pregnant with a young toddler is pretty easy- no school runs and they nap, they dont want carrying around so much but even if they do they are not heavy yet.

There wasnt really any downsides to having them very close together.

There’s a two year age gap between my kids. We just wanted to get all the sleepless nights and baby phases out of the way as quickly as possible.

There's no perfect time. I'll be having two close together because of my age. My sister is 2.5 years older than me and we are best friends so I probably would have liked a similar age difference anyway. There's pros and cons for all the age gaps, maybe some people took a long time to have their first so started trying fairly quickly for their second and it happened on the first or second month. That's happened to two couples in my friendship circle.

Also, I was 38 when I had DC1 and just wanted to get on with it and not take a stop-start approach to my career. In the end, I was home for 4 years and then went back to work.

I remember reading before that three years is the optimum gap for both the older child and the mother's health.

I see many older mothers with small gaps for obvious reasons.

A friend has a five year gap. It became a problem once the eldest turned nine or ten. The eldest had outgrown playgrounds aimed at younger kids and their mother was so tired and burnt out from playgrounds and places aimed at younger kids as she had going to them for fifteen years by the time the youngest turned ten.

I watch my poor SIL struggling with her DCs 4 year gap. She says there were days where her eldest had to miss school because the incessantly crying baby made it a sleepless night for everyone. It’s so tough!

Really close to my brother (one year difference).

Had three close together (in three years) and although it was really hard at the beginning, it's paid off and they're thick as thieves.

Glad to get the baby and toddler years done, they enjoy the same films, events etc.

Loads of pluses! Just as I'm sure there are many pluses to longer gaps...

You've worded it strangely tho- what do we get out of it? Do you mean what are the benefits? You make it sound a selfish thing to do?

I have 2 boys 10 months apart and a girl 14 months older so 3 children in 24 months

Suited me to get all the hard work out of the way , time out of my career and then built up when youngest went to nursery

I enjoyed it although it was really hard work
2 are very close , 1 not so much now

Wouldn't do anything different if I had my time again

We didn't manage to conceive a second time but we tried for a small gap because a) we are older, and b) turns out I loved the baby stage and toddler stage and felt jealous of friends having second babies before DC was one!

You don't miss those stages! They still happen! And for me, seeing my toddler interacting with her little sister, the baby loving and copying her 'not so much bigger sister' and the way they complemented each other, was one of the best bits of the short gap.

I had endometriosis. As soon as my periods returned after DS1 (when he was about 9 months) I was back to being in agony every month, not wanting to take my usual amounts of painkillers as I was still part breast-feeding. I knew the endo was going to be making it harder again blocking tubes and I didn't want to have to go through another operation to clear things again. No periods was the best thing about pregnancy and feeding :). My two are 22 months apart and we haven't found the age gap a problem.

I did this in my twenties. Worked for me.

Meant that my break from work was over and done with in a relatively short space of time, got the nappy stage over and done with quickly. Entertaining them on holidays or weekends was easy as they were at similar stages and so wanted to go to the same things. Hand me downs made sense. Didn't have to have a houseful of baby stuff and primary age stuff.

I honestly wouldn't change it for the world. I would have hated to have a big gap, and go back to nappies after a long break.

Babies love watching toddlers though, and young toddlers are actually easier to entertain whilst feeding a baby than older children because they live doing the same activity on repeat. For example you can all sit on the floor and the baby giggles while you build a tower of bricks on repeat with the toddler - and their enjoyment increases the toddlers. I found rereading the same book to a toddler 10 times more bearable when I was stuck on the sofa with the baby anyway, and interacting with the toddler made the hours stuck on the sofa seem less of a waste.

It took dh & I about 2/2.5 years to fall pregnant (and carry to term) with dc1 with lots of miscarriages, heart ache and everything else involved, we had finally been referred to the fertility clinic and I was 5 months pregnant when the appointment came through

We thought it would take a while with dc2 so I stopped my contraception when dc1 was just over one, and boom pregnant 1st time that’s why I have just under a 2 year age gap 🤷‍♀️

I am glad it happened that way, all the expensive childcare was done in a shorter space of time and my dh is 10 years older than me so worked well and he’s still a young(ish) dad

@ComfortablyDazedI'm pregnant with #2 with a deliberate 4 year age gap. I'm in awe of people who can cope with a smaller gap. Reasons why I couldn't:

• HG pregnancy which was awful and traumatic and absolutely knocked me for six.
• Because of HG pregnancy, if I got it again, I'd be totally incapable of doing anything with DS. As it happens, I was only wiped out for 20 weeks this time, but having him able to turn on the TV, get a snack and go for a wee by himself at home was a gamechanger.
• Loathed changing nappies and absolutely DID NOT want to change two sets of nappies at the same time. That's more poo than I could cope with.
• Hated the newborn phase - I was bored out of my tree and cut my maternity leave short.
• Fucking LOVED the toddler phase and didn't want to have it ruined by having a newborn. I didn't really hit my stride as a parent until he was about 8/9 months and then I really started to love it.
• DS slept through the night by 6 months, so by the time he was 1, sleepless nights were already a distant memory.
• Took me a year to get my body back and back to pre-baby weight and I wanted to enjoy it for a bit.
• Two in full time childcare would be cripplingly expensive. DH and I both work full time.

I get the theory behind a small age gap, but I would have ended up in a psych ward.

I struggle with one kid. I just couldn't cope with another baby so close to a toddler. I'd be traumatised. Terribly organised as is. Personally I'd wait til I have an independent school age child, at minimum.

I could not take a break from nappies and sleepless nights and then face back into it again.

I'm not a baby person so wanted to get that time over with. And even if you can't guarantee they are best friends, a 3yo and 5yo will still have more common interests than 3 and 13. No regrets.