To find my very comfortable life completely overwhelming?

[Kingcatnight]

For some reason over the past couple of years I seem to be finding my perfectly normal, "nice", not-remotely-difficult life to be completely and utterly overwhelming.

I have zero motivation and appetite for anything that doesn't provide instant gratification and fun when I wake up in the morning and I'm really struggling to tick anything off my list or fully apply myself to my job. There just always seems to be something else that gets in way that makes day-to-day-living feel like an endless slog of chores and misery.

Shopping needs doing
Things need throwing out of fridge
Garden needs weeding
Have to pay window cleaner
Got a parking ticket that I need to appeal
Forgot to buy salt for water softener
Or have plenty of salt for water softener but can't seem to find motivation to top it up...
Car needs servicing
Need to order new bank card
Garage needs clearing out
Must remember to book plumber to fix outside tap
Need to buy paint so we can repaint spare room (and then bloody paint it too)
XYZ form needs filling in but the printer's out of ink so need to sort that first
Dogs need walking/taking to vet
Forget dad's birthday

etc etc

The list is endless and new things seem to get added to it every day. It's just incessant.

In amongst all of this I am supposedly meant to find time to perform the job I'm actually paid to do to a high standard, pay my bills and feed myself. Basic functions performed, I then need to find time to exercise, respond to texts from friends/family and try to be a half-decent daughter/sister/niece etc.

I won't even start on the vague dreams I have about one day perhaps having the emotional capacity and headspace to learn french or play the violin.

I literally feel like just living and ticking off these tedious day-to-day tasks is a full-time job in itself. I don't understand how I'm supposed to fit anything else in around it. I really struggle to carry on with the rest of life while my to-do list grows increasingly longer and so my work suffers, because I have the luxury of WFH and I can't seem to motivate myself to focus on work when so many other things need doing. At the end of each day I go to bed feeling as though I've barely achieved anything and have underperformed in every area of my life.

On the rare evenings where I do find myself sitting down I'm so drained and low about it all that I end up mindlessly watching trash TV or youtube and then go to bed even more annoyed at myself for having achieved nothing of value.

I don't understand why I find this all so hard? Other people don't make it look this hard...am I just too sensitive and an incompetent under-achiever? Am I depressed? Surely there's more to life than this?

Also this!!!

Try a list app such as Trello?

The traditional way is three columns: To Do, Doing, Done.

But I find it best to prioritise the list so have columns for Today, Tomorrow, This Week, Future, Done.

So pay window cleaner would be in the Today column. Do it and move to the Done column. Fix Outside Tap would be Future column (it's winter, you don't need it yet), move it to This Week at some point in the future. Car needs servicing - item would be Book Car Service and would be Tomorrow or This Week

Can you afford to just pay the ticket and not worry about it? And do you really need a water softener? If you can abandon items off the list you don't need to do them.

I used to be really disorganised, now I'm nearly organised.

I feel the same op except I'm also managing chronic mental health needs of my adult son plus the needs of my other two teens and I feel like I'm drowning daily. You're not alone x

This was the case for me. My motivation has been so much better now I spend half the week at work (and tick off some of those jobs listed that involve booking/ordering/shopping while on the commute so I don’t feel like they’re impinging on my free time). Superficially so many people seem to “love” wfh but it seems terrible for them. I don’t really believe we’re supposed to live and work in the same place alone all day every day.

I sympathise op. I run 2 households - mine and my elderly mothers. It's insane just how much admin, and sorting out this takes. I'm mot disorganised and I still find it hard. I'm battling long covid which complicates matters. Add in 2 dc and a dh that works away a lot and basically everything falls to me. Mum is failing and I've just had to activate her poa.
If 9 could hibernate til spring I would!

No, that's just plain old housework or garden work. The management of those tasks i.e. writing a list of the housework, is administration, but doing it is not.

Op-you have just described exactly my life and how I feel about it. I was saying to dh the other day how in my late twenties I had two under three, worked in a demanding job an hour and a half commute away and was good at it, had an organised and clean house, did arts and crafts and activities with the kids on weekends, scratch cooked, did all live admin and had a social life. And I did all that as single parent, with no real bother. I remember being tired but not ever like I couldn't do it all.

Now I work part time, and I can't even organise myself at work. Im now really bad at my job when I should be able to do it standing on my head. The house is a mess. My to do list is full of easy but niggly tasks and it's growing as I never get round to anything. The things I used to like no longer interest me and I can't much be bothered to go out with friends anymore.

I'm probably peri but I also think, having articulated it to dh and here that I've become pretty depressed without realising it.

I can relate. A word I use to describe my life is "relentless". I am financially comfortable and everyone is in good health, love my job.

However, the chores and day to day slog is horrendous. I was thinking the other day about my options;

Let go of my housework standards.

Say no to others more (but would leave them struggling).

Stop my gym membership as I get frustrated and /or stressed about going.

Badger others to do more. Problem with this is they would not do it "right" or in a timely manner.

Reading that back I can see MY issue. I need to lower my standards and ask for help.

Feeling weepy now. Off to the gym....

Saw this course (tomorrow and Sunday) advertised and it looks good for techniques to avoid overwhelming to do lists:

www.imperfection.ist/

I could have written this OP. I'm married with DH. I currently work a 12 hour day (fortunately WFH all but 1 day a week). Every morning I empty & reload the dishwasher (only one who does it), get DC uniforms out for them, put blazers on the radiator to warm them up, wipe over school shoes if needed, lay school bags out, sort games kit out if needed that day, cajole DC for an hour to get up, then as soon as the DC have left for the day for school I make all the beds then start work.

I keep a to-do list. My current list:
Sort VISAs for holiday later in the year (I need peace of mind to know they are done)
Book DC covid vaccinations (there never are any when I try to book, so I keep trying)
Book DC dr appt (non-urgent)
Book DC chiropodist
Book DC eye tests and take (separately, both DC have SEN)
Plan and prep for a friend's hen do
Source and buy piece of bedroom furniture
Go to phone shop for issues with my phone
Collect DC new school uniform order (before the order is returned back to warehouse)
Sort out issue at bank
Sort DC school issue
Buy new suitcases for holiday as we now have none (waiting to get paid first)
DC special bday plan & prep
Go for blood test
Sort, clear & tidy garage (cannot currently get into it)
Put stuff up for sale on FB (inc take pics of said things) as it's in the way & needs to go
Buy a new bed for DC
Buy oven liners following professional oven clean, before oven gets really dirty again
Pay DC club subs (waiting to get paid before that one)
Sort & clear both DC bedrooms - need a huge declutter
Declutter my wardrobe as cannot get in it now
Book my nails for special event coming up (waiting to be paid first as they need 50% paid upfont)
Book my hair colour appt for said special event (there are issues with the date for this, so I need to sit down and think about when this can be done)

This is on top of replying to daily messages from friends/family and seeing friends/family. Spending time with DC & DH. Having me time, going to my exercising classes, cleaning the house (and car), doing weekly food shopping & laundry, doing financial admin.

You have my sympathy OP

I can’t say whether you are depressed as I’m not medically qualified, but I have juggled a lot in my time. If you want to do something that gives you a sense of satisfaction beyond the day to day ‘stuff’, what you need to do is make time for it, and just do it. If you want to learn French, join a class, and commit to 20 minutes a day studying. Forming the habit is the key, and concentrating on the activity and nothing else. It does create calm and a sense of achievement. Good luck.

Hi OP
Everything on your list comes under the heading of 'boring domestic shit' and it sounds like you're not doing anything you actually want to do or that gives you any kind of joy. I think the balance is just out of whack, that's all. You mention French and violin? Start pursuing one of the things you really want to do as a person rather than performing the function of an administrative assistant (this is how I used to feel within my family). That will give you a lot more energy to face the other stuff.
I WFH as well and it is so easy to get overwhelmed with the domestic minutia because it's staring you in the face every minute of the day - even while sitting at the PC. That then means you're not as productive at work, then you feel fed up with yourself, and cycle starts again the next day.
Some things that help:
-Set firm boundaries for 'work only' time that can't be crossed
-Find a way of doing something that's on your 'want to do' list for yourself, personally - whether that's a short course, a meetup group, start a new hobby
-cram any admin tasks into a short manageable burst of time by setting a timer and ploughing through.

I don't know if you work FT but I have one morning off a week and I now escape the house and do something I want - not have - to do. Feel a lot better than i used to.

This book really helped:

www.amazon.co.uk/Everything-Happy-step-step-straight-talking-ebook/dp/B008ZU6E5M

Sending you good vibes.

Haven't rtft, but instantly related.
At 41 realised I have ADHD.
All kicked off around that age.

I definitely feel like this from time to time, much more often than I used to. For me I think the difference has been this bloody phone. During the lockdowns I think I developed a bit of a phone addiction and it’s so hard to break - and phone use has affected my concentration span and if I let it, plays into my natural tendencies to procrastinate. I should put it in the bin. Most people would probably say I am highly organised and get a lot of stuff done. But the effort that it takes is much greater than it used to be, and if I pick up my phone it sets me back hours in terms of real time and a general draining of motivation to do anything at all. I’m putting it down now…

OP I could have written your post almost word for word. It definitely wasn't always like this for me - my best guess is it's peri-menopause but exacerbated by the pandemic forcing me to stay at home more. I don't think I have ADHD nor am I depressed but reading these answers perhaps I shouldn't rule them out.

Currently once a week I put on nice clothes and shoes, drive to the office, do a good day's work, go for lunch with colleagues, an errand or two and actually feel alive. The rest of the week is exactly how you describe, though I run at least twice week and get great release from that. I have one day off a week to 'get shit done' and I totally dread most of it.

Along with finding the day to day shit overwhelming what I find most difficult of all is

1. doing the supermarket shopping list. Actually having to plan what we're going to eat for the week. Once have a list I can manage the weekly shop just fine. (We now get gousto boxes once a month which helps enormously but very expensive))
2. organising holidays. We have agreed broadly where we want to go but I just can't get on with the whole booking of AL/getting husband to sort his AL/deciding where to stay/which dates/which flights etc. Just can't face it.

I do have friends slightly older (I'm 44) who have had similar experiences but since starting HRT have felt better. So am working on building up courage to see GP to see wht they can do.

@StandUpStraight
totally agree about the phone situation.

i would without a doubt be more productive generally if I didn’t have it

ADHD - inattentive type

Would be my guess

I can't function if I don't have a list of things that need done. I feel waaay less stressed if I get things out of my head and onto paper.

Sometimes my list has things on it like "shower" and "put washing on"

All brains are different 🧠

Quite offensive to people with a diagnosis

Have a read about executive dysfunction

👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

I'd second other posters who have said do you have other symptoms of ADHD or autism. This sounds like executive functioning issues.

Many women with executive functioning issues can still compensate and perform at work/ school, but the cost in terms of mental energy is so high that it is easy to burn out and have no energy left for other stuff.

If you are financially comfortable, I'd leave appealing the parking ticket.

What I actually meant was that in the example I gave of my week - the day I labelled “admin” I was including cleaning/laundry/gardening.

I have no advice, but this is exactly how I feel too. I also have a small child, so I have the endless guilt and anxiety over feeling this way about the chores that I need to do for them. For me this is only a thing in the past year or so, but my life feels completely overwhelming and I have to force myself to do the simplest thing like hang washing up. On top of that, I have no headspace left for work, and have fallen massively behind. Pretty sure I'm neurotypcial as I can focus really well on academic things, but never taken any tests.

A trick I've learned is to have the TV on in the background when doing chores and treat it as 'this is my hour to watch TV'. I actually have never enjoyed sitting and watching TV, and find chores overwheling, but weirdly doing both at the same time is much better.