To find my very comfortable life completely overwhelming?

[Kingcatnight]

For some reason over the past couple of years I seem to be finding my perfectly normal, "nice", not-remotely-difficult life to be completely and utterly overwhelming.

I have zero motivation and appetite for anything that doesn't provide instant gratification and fun when I wake up in the morning and I'm really struggling to tick anything off my list or fully apply myself to my job. There just always seems to be something else that gets in way that makes day-to-day-living feel like an endless slog of chores and misery.

Shopping needs doing
Things need throwing out of fridge
Garden needs weeding
Have to pay window cleaner
Got a parking ticket that I need to appeal
Forgot to buy salt for water softener
Or have plenty of salt for water softener but can't seem to find motivation to top it up...
Car needs servicing
Need to order new bank card
Garage needs clearing out
Must remember to book plumber to fix outside tap
Need to buy paint so we can repaint spare room (and then bloody paint it too)
XYZ form needs filling in but the printer's out of ink so need to sort that first
Dogs need walking/taking to vet
Forget dad's birthday

etc etc

The list is endless and new things seem to get added to it every day. It's just incessant.

In amongst all of this I am supposedly meant to find time to perform the job I'm actually paid to do to a high standard, pay my bills and feed myself. Basic functions performed, I then need to find time to exercise, respond to texts from friends/family and try to be a half-decent daughter/sister/niece etc.

I won't even start on the vague dreams I have about one day perhaps having the emotional capacity and headspace to learn french or play the violin.

I literally feel like just living and ticking off these tedious day-to-day tasks is a full-time job in itself. I don't understand how I'm supposed to fit anything else in around it. I really struggle to carry on with the rest of life while my to-do list grows increasingly longer and so my work suffers, because I have the luxury of WFH and I can't seem to motivate myself to focus on work when so many other things need doing. At the end of each day I go to bed feeling as though I've barely achieved anything and have underperformed in every area of my life.

On the rare evenings where I do find myself sitting down I'm so drained and low about it all that I end up mindlessly watching trash TV or youtube and then go to bed even more annoyed at myself for having achieved nothing of value.

I don't understand why I find this all so hard? Other people don't make it look this hard...am I just too sensitive and an incompetent under-achiever? Am I depressed? Surely there's more to life than this?

Also read Lost Connections by him!

Why? What could possibly be offensive about this?

Are you an extrovert? Extroverts typically get their energy from being around other people, but find being on their own utterly exhausting and de-motivating. Working from home might not be working for you.

i think you should prioritise something to give you joy, even if you’ve got a long list of jobs that seem to need to be done first. You have to put joy first. You’ve only got one life. Sign up for a French language course?

What?

Totally could have written this myself!! Why do I feel so glum all the time when I’ve got a bloody lovely life?!
I want to shake myself most days. I think im a dick for feeling this way but it seems I’m not the only one!

These are symptoms of depression and you can be depressed even having a comfortable life. It may be a chemical imbalance, it may be that you were so focused before you started to wfh, that you went from one thing to another and had mild depressing that you kept at bay by feeling gratified by accomplishment and now it's not enough. Really, there could be hundreds of reasons this is happening to you now but the one definitive answer is that you need to seek help. Force yourself to take that step even if you do nothing else, please.

Yes I have lots of actual lists. 😂

I have lists of tasks and actions at work, flagged emails, everything in my calendar, reminders, plus an app on my phone that I keep important urgent stuff on. I keep all my passwords written down on one place, and I have strict, almost OCD routines for things like keys, parking tickets, etc.

I'm unbelievably forgetful. To make it to a meeting or appointment on time I have to keep refocusing and pinching myself every 30 mins or I can drift off and forget it. Even 5 minutes before a meeting I can go to make a coffee, get distracted then be really late.

I have reduced the chaos in my life by being organised. However, I hate being organised. My idea of heaven is a day with no plans, because it's the only way I can truly relax

Agree with this. I think people will click on something that resonates.

You are depressed or you could be peri-menopausal?

I’m exactly the same plus carrying guilt if the things I forget to do, esp connected with kids schooling etc. there’s always SOMETHING! I totally relate to your post and I’m definitely not depressed.

I feel exactly like this and have ADHD, might be worth looking into

It could be you're depressed, but that sounds like an ADHD list tbh. Especially the bit about needing the excitement of something fun. If you are hitting peri menopause then it will be getting ten times worse. Do an ADHD online assessment, and if it feels like you're ticking all the boxes then go for a proper assessment. Also, talk to your family about it.

Do you think working from home has a part to play in it? I don't think it's healthy for some people, I know myself I would find it quite depressing. I always feel better when I get out and chat to colleagues and it takes my mind off my worries.

@user1497787065 why do you think this is re the going out ? Asking because I feel exactly the same. I'm going to a spa weekend today for a hen do. 5 lovely people I've known for years. Spa is lovely. Yet I'm dreading it as I'm cross ill miss my weekend at home. No lie in in my comfy bed, no long soak in the bath. I wish I had booked Monday off work just to be able to have my lie in in bed. I don't want to have to make conversation for the whole weekend. The conversation will naturally flow between us all but I don't want to have to talk that much to anyone lately or be around a busy place (not covid related). I just want to be at home.

I wish OP would come back and answer some of the questions.

Are you just too damn busy? Working, house keeping and child rearing are probably 2 full time jobs all combined.

I am the same and sure I am peri menopausal

I recently got a cleaner so I feel less overwhelmed

@Oblomov22
I agree 100% with you. Not one person has suggested she go talk to her doctor, although I understand it's hard to see them in the UK now. Good luck.

OK, this might sound a bit woo-woo, but it's how I resolved this ongoing discomfort in my own life.

We tend to look at things in terms of physical health or mental health. But we can also get - for want of a better term - spiritually sick.

Is it possible that everything is screaming out to you that you are stagnating? It might be time for you to consider making some fundamental changes to let the river of life flow more freely.

This will either resonate with you or it won't! 😊

I used to feel very similar about life. Regular exercise and cold showers work for me. I now find my mood to be generally better and I have alot less mind chatter. So no I YANBU. I think struggle-free routines can have the opposite effect on our mood to what we would probably expect.

I know how you feel, OP. I actually said something to that effect to DH the other day. Our life is so comfortable, and from the outside there are no major stressors, just the usual busyness of life with 3 children and pets. We do live abroad, though, which pushes life admin over the edge for me. Everything is in a foreign language, the systems are not familiar, no family nearby, the children’s school situation is not what we grew up with, any family visits involve either flights and expense or hosting family and friends in our house for days, weeks, or sometimes even months at a time. It‘s exhausting. I’ve wondered if I’m depressed, because who dreads visits from family and friends they actually like?

Aside from general health things like more water/less alcohol/take a daily walk, I’ve got a few coping strategies that help when I feel especially overwhelmed though:

• Book the cleaner in to give the house a full deep scrub. Use her coming to motivate you do a big tidy beforehand, and whilst she is cleaning, wash and change all the sheets. Such a great uplifting feeling when the house is spotless all at once.
• If I recognize the feeling of overwhelm creeping up, I start saying no to every demand on my time except essential tasks. I tell people that I am at capacity right now and don’t have the bandwidth to commit to anything else.
• Life admin ‘study hall’ with a friend. For the mental/non-DIY jobs like paperwork, bills, budget sorting, taxes, etc, get together with a friend maybe once a month, each with a list of all of the paperwork and admin jobs you’ve putting off, and tackle it together over some cheese and wine or coffee and pastries.
• My feeling if overwhelm is made worse by bad sleep habits, especially if anxiety is keeping me awake. I take a valerian supplement before bed sometimes if I recognize that I need to reset my clock and make sure I get to sleep at a good time. I also take iron and vitamin D supplements if I start to experience the feeling of having had all of my energy and willpower siphoned off. Usually that manifests as always being tired even if I’m getting 8 hours of sleep each night.
• It sounds really silly, but I schedule even tiny stuff (like the 3 monthly cat wormer purchase reminder) into our family google calendar so that I don’t have to carry the mental load of remembering absolutely everything.
• Following on from the small calendar entries: for things that are nebulous ‘need to get done’ activities like sorting out the garage or cleaning out a particular cupboard, it can help to schedule those things as you think of them into the family google calendar for a few weeks or months down the line when the calendar still has lots of free space, for example on a Saturday afternoon next month. Helps if DH can see it and knows it’s coming. 😅 I find that if it is in the calendar, 1) it is more likely to get done, and 2) I don’t have to keep spinning on it and hating myself for not tackling it.

Also, OP, I plan holidays for my family about 9 months in advance. It sounds crazy, but sometimes just getting out of my own head and thinking about what would be really relaxing and enjoyable for us is just what I need. It really helps to have something to look forward to, even if the rest of life in the here and now is drudgery.

On the very first page I suggested seeing a doctor and I am sure others have done so too.

The thing is many women didn't work back in the day, their full time job was the house and kids, now women work ft alongside the man, but the other things still need doing. Kids still need to be looked after, house still needs to be cleaned, life admin still needs to be done. Mumsnet is obsessed with everyone being diagnosed with something, the thing is if anyone has too much to do and too little time to get it all done, you are going to feel stressed/tired etc. I feel like I'm drowning in stuff I need to do all the time, 3 young children, a full time job, a house to keep, shit to organise it's never ending (my husband feels the same I will add). There's nothing we can do about it though, we have to work, we can't sell our children and life admin doesn't do itself. It's just busy working modern life, unless you have staff to do everything like kate middleton you are going to feel how you feel, most people do!

I loved it in my 20s I literally had nothing but myself to think about, I finished work came home and relaxed. My house was rented and not my problem, the house barely got dirty as I lived with 1 female housemate. I was well rested and had nothing to think about. I have a family, a much more senior job, a house to run (kids are messy), running around to clubs with the kids etc etc that's going to tire me out and make me feel overwhelmed. There's nothing wrong with me now, I just have a much busier life.

I wfh although not full time, I think it helps to just prioritise the job and then just understand that (1) whatever jobs you get done in one day are good enough!
(2) keep in mind that life is precious , can you think of a hobby to help you have some enjoyable moments, which also helps your mood.
(3) you mention walking the dog is something you have to do, from a dog’s point of view it’s the thing that makes them happiest, it’s important for their mental well-being , so try to remember what a great thing you are doing when you’re out with your dog,
i think you realise as you get older that when suddenly Ill health stops you doing the things you enjoy , whether that’s your own health or a close family member, that’s when you really don’t have time for the me-time or the day to day so try to enjoy all the good in life- look up at the stars , get out in nature, sing ,dance ,paint whatever makes you smile 😊
good luck x