To find my very comfortable life completely overwhelming?

[Kingcatnight]

For some reason over the past couple of years I seem to be finding my perfectly normal, "nice", not-remotely-difficult life to be completely and utterly overwhelming.

I have zero motivation and appetite for anything that doesn't provide instant gratification and fun when I wake up in the morning and I'm really struggling to tick anything off my list or fully apply myself to my job. There just always seems to be something else that gets in way that makes day-to-day-living feel like an endless slog of chores and misery.

Shopping needs doing
Things need throwing out of fridge
Garden needs weeding
Have to pay window cleaner
Got a parking ticket that I need to appeal
Forgot to buy salt for water softener
Or have plenty of salt for water softener but can't seem to find motivation to top it up...
Car needs servicing
Need to order new bank card
Garage needs clearing out
Must remember to book plumber to fix outside tap
Need to buy paint so we can repaint spare room (and then bloody paint it too)
XYZ form needs filling in but the printer's out of ink so need to sort that first
Dogs need walking/taking to vet
Forget dad's birthday

etc etc

The list is endless and new things seem to get added to it every day. It's just incessant.

In amongst all of this I am supposedly meant to find time to perform the job I'm actually paid to do to a high standard, pay my bills and feed myself. Basic functions performed, I then need to find time to exercise, respond to texts from friends/family and try to be a half-decent daughter/sister/niece etc.

I won't even start on the vague dreams I have about one day perhaps having the emotional capacity and headspace to learn french or play the violin.

I literally feel like just living and ticking off these tedious day-to-day tasks is a full-time job in itself. I don't understand how I'm supposed to fit anything else in around it. I really struggle to carry on with the rest of life while my to-do list grows increasingly longer and so my work suffers, because I have the luxury of WFH and I can't seem to motivate myself to focus on work when so many other things need doing. At the end of each day I go to bed feeling as though I've barely achieved anything and have underperformed in every area of my life.

On the rare evenings where I do find myself sitting down I'm so drained and low about it all that I end up mindlessly watching trash TV or youtube and then go to bed even more annoyed at myself for having achieved nothing of value.

I don't understand why I find this all so hard? Other people don't make it look this hard...am I just too sensitive and an incompetent under-achiever? Am I depressed? Surely there's more to life than this?

TheFearIsNear

*exactly

I get it OP kind of. I have (I imagine) the life a lot of people would dream of - a happy marriage (although suffering a bit due to having 2 kids under 5 and no us time), financial security, a rewarding well paid job WFH, 2 amazing healthy daughters, a lovely house. But often find myself feeling both overwhelmed and bored by the monotony of it all - get up, get kids up, rush rush rush to school, work, pick up, repeat and not having much time to myself. Also housework and constant things to remember for school and nursery, it’s never ending. I also get nervous and anxious about holidays. Things that help me - remembering that this is normal for my stage in life and everyone else with young kids will be similar, make time to little things that I enjoy - for me it’s reading and running, if I know I have a good book for the evening or am going for a run it helps, I’ve entered a 10k race which gives something to aim for but for me if that makes sense. Also having a community or something ‘higher’ to think about outside kids stuff and monotony of life, for me it’s church, I like going and it gives me a sense of purpose. Also planning little things to look forward to to break it up a bit. But yes, bored and overwhelmed at the same time! I don’t find counting my blessings helps, just makes me feel guilty for complaining

Deffo sounds like depression BUT you don’t need to feel even more overwhelmed adding ‘call GP’ to the list (although if you can, do that too!

what I’ve found really helpful when I’ve been in a bit of a rut/early stages of depression is to pick one thing and do that
then either rest or do one more depending on how you feel

doing just one thing either every day/few days and then mentally rewarding yourself for it can really help release some feel good hormones x

I feel like this all the time and have for years. I am currently awaiting an assessment for ASD. My son has it and after all these years I realised I do too, although not as much as my son. Interestingly he is much more intelligent than me. There is an offshoot of ASD called PDA. Look it up it may resonate with you, basically it describes why you have the lack of motivation and I found it fascinating and finally found an explanation for why I struggle to cope with ordinary life, and my son even more although he’s so clever and well read he can’t look after himself. I mention this because it does seem like the more intelligent a person on the spectrum is the less socially equipped. I take antidepressant’s as does he. They help but not as much as we’d like. PDA would explain why you have enthusiasm for things you really like but none for anything else.

This resonates with me. Massively. The never ending drudgery of thankless life admin can suck the joy out of life... I don't have a solution and it really gets me down sometimes. My top practical tips would be:

1. Write it all down - keep nothing in your head, because it takes mental energy to keep it there. I find if I'm trying to keep my to do list in my head, the items scroll through my brain much more often (as if my brain knows it needs to keep returning to the task to make sure I don't forget it) and it all feels more overwhelming and distracting. If it's written down, I think about it less frequently but still get to it.
2. I use an app called Things to keep my To Do list. You can set items to recur each day or each week, so I have all the daily tasks pop up each day in granular detail - eg. take vitamins, supervise kids cleaning their teeth. Means I can have a quick glance at it and tick a load of things off quickly, which feels satisfying.
3. If a task takes less than 2 mins and can just be done NOW. Do it now instead of adding it to your list. Eg - transferring money to someone. Or filling in a form for school.
4. Keep a separate list for longer-term projects and break them down. Then add one or two of the small steps for those long term projects to your daily to do list. Eg. instead of "redecorate room" looming on your list and stressing you out, today it's just "order paint samples" or "text person x for painter recommendation"
5. Delegate as much as you can possibly afford. Even if it means you have to wait a bit longer - eg. save up to pay a decorator rather than painting the room yourself. Let the weeds grow, but then get a gardener in a few times a year.

But as I say, despite trying to do all of this, I also feel like I'm drowning much of the time!

I'm being made homeless with my 3 children in 8 weeks as my private landlord is selling the property I rent. I'd love to have your 'problems"

I'm so sorry to hear this. It's awful. But because you have hard times doesn't negate the fact that OP is also having a hard time in a different way.

I have a comfortable life but the issues caused by my son's ASN make family life so hard, unbearable at times. So bad that I'm in tears on a Saturday afternoon, one of the only days of respite from the life of work/ house/ usual madness we all have. I see my wonderful DH screaming inside because of the stress. I know my beloved older DC will probably move out far earlier than they would have. Am I not allowed to be upset because I have a comfortable home and loving DH?

The OP has every right to ask for help.

Bad mental health doesn't give a shit about your circumstances. I've experienced having nowhere to live and being in the privileged position of having a home and have suffered rock bottom on both occasions.
Perspective is a great tool but it doesn't stop people from losing their joy for life.

Honestly OP, it sounds like normal life. Standard tedious tasks we all have to do and don't enjoy. Doesn't sound like depression or adhd. Just adult life

I recommend Oliver Burkemann www.amazon.co.uk/Four-Thousand-Weeks-Time-How-ebook/dp/B07X3DH41F

One of his main points is that you shouldn't wait until you have got organized and done all the stuff before you start enjoying life. It's never gong to happen and you need to come to terms with that!

Just wanted to say that I totally get this and I don't think you have to be depressed or ADHD to feel like this. Life can be overwhelming at times, working full time plus all of the other stuff is hard, especially as we've just had Christmas and also it's hard with the days being so short. Sometimes I feel like this and then I have a day off work and manage to get a bit more on top and feel better. Also helps to realise that none of the jobs are really so important. Prioritize the jobs but also yourself!

It’s the state if being an adult I’m afraid.

it’s all shite.

This could have been written by me!

I have just turned 48 and peri, I have a wonderful husband, 2 great kids, a beautiful 9 month old granddaughter, we both work and although not particularly well off, we are very fortunate to have a little bit of money behind us. Yet I sit in the evenings completely devoid of any motivation. Even unloading the dishwasher takes a monumental effort.

The thing is - there is too much pressure on how we should be! Especially if we happen to be a woman.
But we should really be allowed to be what we are and be allowed to be happy the way we actually are happy and not the way we should be happy. If that makes sense.

I am a bit of all those and stil feel that way about modern life. Moreover I feel its at least partly because of how shit modern life actually is.
(Its not that I dont recognise how shit was olden days life, especially for woman, but the modern life brings a whole different bag of issues.]

set yourself a goal on youre list to do one thing on it everyday some on their i dont want to do or cant be motivated but i do it because its productive

I'm another one who recommends you look into the symptoms of adult ADHD.

And everyone else who says "this is just normal life"...I suggest you look into it too.

You are literally me.
Except I have to go in to work. NHS staff.. Long hour/shifts.
I literally have tears in my eyes... I have been thinking I am inadequate and can't adult.

I feel this is mostly ‘normal life’ and it completely resonates my own feelings about it.
I have years of experience working with ADHD…and I am most definitely not ADHD. I feel it’s quite dangerous to throw about this as a reason why a person feels a certain way. ADHD is a medical diagnosis, a disability. It’s not a possible reason why a person might not like certain parts of their life or suffer from a lack of joy.

YANBU. I'm coming to the end of maternity and I'm feeling terrified at going back to work. I can't even keep up when I'm not working. I feel paralysed by my to do list and can't even find the motivation to tick off the most basic things. It's absolutely overwhelming.

Once I'm back at work I have to: raise my child with everything that entails (in partnership with his dad not along), manage a reasonably senior role, commute, finish my professional qualifications, do all the dull dull minutiae of daily life (housework etc). I can't see how I'm going to do all that never mind maintain a healthy relationship with my partner, maybe see some friends at some point, and get a bit healthier / fitter post baby. It seems impossible and I feel like I'm drowning under the pressure before I've even started.

Have you sought help for how you are feeling? Or have you tried to identify whether there are reasons you are feeling this way (problem with your relationship, work concerns?).
To feel paralysed by your life is not normal and it's certainly not going to get easier after your Mat leave is over.

While I accept that many women before you have silently struggled, many before you have not and find raising a family while having a career fulfilling (busy...but fulfilling).

I guess I don't enjoy my job, and I find it quite stressful. And I don't particularly want the qualifications I'm studying for but I feel I need them to keep up in my industry and I can't afford to career change so that's that.

For those people saying we shouldn't be suggesting ADHD, it's this part in particular that stands out as symptoms:

I have zero motivation and appetite for anything that doesn't provide instant gratification and fun when I wake up in the morning and I'm really struggling to tick anything off my list or fully apply myself to my job.

If it's something that's occurred in the last couple of years it sounds less likely it's ADHD which is lifelong.

I wonder whether WFH may be part of the issue. It frees up time but I have found I feel less motivated when I've WFH the whole week rather than going in the office a few days. Is it possible to go into the office at least one day a week to see if that helps? Do you actually like your job? Do you find it in anyway fulfilling?

I also wonder whether it's a delayed response to the lockdowns and ways the pandemic affected our lives. I'm burnt out and traumatised by some of what I dealt with at work but I also recently realised I have completely stopped doing things like going to galleries and museums because it stopped during the pandemic. I plan to start again because these are things I used to enjoy, even if right now it feels like too much effort.

Depression is another option. It's not all about crying. You could do a screening tool such as this one patient.info/doctor/patient-health-questionnaire-phq-9

I understand it feels like another job but I do think it's worth seeing your GP to rule out physical causes such as hypothyroidism, low B12, vitamin D etc. I haven't been through perimenopause but others have shared similar symptoms so maybe that's a consideration.

I was just coming on to recommend reading 4000 weeks but I see someone has beaten me to it! seriously, take a look - it offers an alternative way of viewing things.

Most of us with children and jobs are doing what 2 people used to do. Modern life is busy, and busy is stressful and/or tedious for a lot of people.