To find my very comfortable life completely overwhelming?

[Kingcatnight]

For some reason over the past couple of years I seem to be finding my perfectly normal, "nice", not-remotely-difficult life to be completely and utterly overwhelming.

I have zero motivation and appetite for anything that doesn't provide instant gratification and fun when I wake up in the morning and I'm really struggling to tick anything off my list or fully apply myself to my job. There just always seems to be something else that gets in way that makes day-to-day-living feel like an endless slog of chores and misery.

Shopping needs doing
Things need throwing out of fridge
Garden needs weeding
Have to pay window cleaner
Got a parking ticket that I need to appeal
Forgot to buy salt for water softener
Or have plenty of salt for water softener but can't seem to find motivation to top it up...
Car needs servicing
Need to order new bank card
Garage needs clearing out
Must remember to book plumber to fix outside tap
Need to buy paint so we can repaint spare room (and then bloody paint it too)
XYZ form needs filling in but the printer's out of ink so need to sort that first
Dogs need walking/taking to vet
Forget dad's birthday

etc etc

The list is endless and new things seem to get added to it every day. It's just incessant.

In amongst all of this I am supposedly meant to find time to perform the job I'm actually paid to do to a high standard, pay my bills and feed myself. Basic functions performed, I then need to find time to exercise, respond to texts from friends/family and try to be a half-decent daughter/sister/niece etc.

I won't even start on the vague dreams I have about one day perhaps having the emotional capacity and headspace to learn french or play the violin.

I literally feel like just living and ticking off these tedious day-to-day tasks is a full-time job in itself. I don't understand how I'm supposed to fit anything else in around it. I really struggle to carry on with the rest of life while my to-do list grows increasingly longer and so my work suffers, because I have the luxury of WFH and I can't seem to motivate myself to focus on work when so many other things need doing. At the end of each day I go to bed feeling as though I've barely achieved anything and have underperformed in every area of my life.

On the rare evenings where I do find myself sitting down I'm so drained and low about it all that I end up mindlessly watching trash TV or youtube and then go to bed even more annoyed at myself for having achieved nothing of value.

I don't understand why I find this all so hard? Other people don't make it look this hard...am I just too sensitive and an incompetent under-achiever? Am I depressed? Surely there's more to life than this?

It’s not the fact that the things on the list are small, it’s the resentment that there’s a list of Things To Do at all.

At least that’s how I feel about it.

Every Thing is made up of multiple step other smaller things, ad infinitum.

I’d like a personal assistant to free me up to never consider these Things.

In the absence of a lottery win it’s back to stoicism and living in the moment and appreciating the small stuff and all that annoying Gratitude shit, I suppose.

Solidarity, OP. I blame my resentment at the Things on a combo of Covid-hangover, grief and peri-menopause.

Feel very similar and in similar comfortable position. Left to my own devices I think it would be choc/wine/binge TV but then I have guilt that I should be doing wholesome things like the things you mentioned - learn a language etc! Covid has coincided with my 40s so not sure if peri menopause or an apathy left over from all the lockdowns. I also don't feel depressed and no body would think I am.

"Cause its a bittersweet symphony this liiiffee... Tryna make ends meat you're a slave to the money then you diiiieee" 🎶

Also, I do find I get more done when I don't faff around on my phone.... Ideally I would spend that time either doing something useful (tick something off the list) or something I enjoy (improved mood so feel more able to tackle the list...). Another thing I struggle with is when tasks have been difficult or complicated previously I assume they will be difficult again. So I find trying to
contact tradespeople stressful and end up avoiding it because I've had some bad experiences previously. Whereas we have also had some great people who have been reliable, clear communicators etc. But it's the difficult situations you remember.

Could this be undiagnosed adhd? I have it diagnosed and often feel this way

The normal things that you list are a load of fucking boring donkey work though. Perhaps it would help if you assigned the tasks on a schedule?

I wonder if you are overthinking it? When I start to think about all the things I have to do I can get myself overwhelmed and overloaded. If I have a routine - I do certain things on certain days - and just do it, I find it much easier and I have more energy.

I absolutely feel like this, but not all the time. I think posters who talk about the wfh pressure are onto something. I'm self employed and have two young kids and obviously if we're all around a lot (we are) there's always a load of shit to do to try to keep the place tidy and it really drags me down. I'm just not a practical person and take no pride from it. I hate it.
Things that help me:

1. Working out of the home as much as possible - your office if you want/cafes/ co-ops/ friends houses if they want to share a wfh day. We're not all designed to be homebodies. I also feel overwhelmed by the endless shit of managing a home when I'm faced by it daily. Get out of the house. I'm really not surprised that so many people moved and house prices shot up straight after lockdown - there's nothing like being in one space constantly to make you loathe ir and notice it only its problems/jobs that need doing.
2. Outsource as much as you can afford - regular cleaner, pay someone to paint that room for you if you can
3. Make sure whoever shares your home (if there is anyone) is pulling their weight
4. Compromise to make your life easier: really hate food shopping? Then eat the same 7 meals every week and block book food orders online so the stuff just turns up at the same time every Saturday morning.
5. Have time in your diary every week for annoying shit. It only needs to be an hour, but that is when you call the plumber/call the bank whatever. Having a slot booked in means you're less likely to think "I'll do that tomorrow".
6. Cut yourself some slack. Most people are not as organised as you think you are. They all have different coping strategies depending on their priorities.
7. Choose some shit to let go. For example I've stopped tidying up the toys in the living room except once a week. Every other room gets vaguely sorted but unless someone is coming round the lounge is a permanent shit tip. There's no point fighting it. I'm happier now I've accepted it.
8. Get therapy to help work out what the fact that you hate the monotony/responsibility might be linked to... for me it's definitely that I feel like I'm totally responsible and DH while practically helpful isn't sharing the mental load (he thinks he is because he books an MOT once a year and takes the bins out)

Well that's a long list of boring chores, does anyone get up and feel excited to do all these things? What are the exciting things in your life? Do you go away for mini breaks? Day trips? Nights out? Hobbies? I find that I am motivated to get things done when I have something to look forward too. If I start feeling a bit stuck in a rut and bored I know I need to find something fun to do.

I feel exactly the same. It's awful isn't it! The smallest thing and i want to cry for mercy. But I don't think I recovered from post natal depression and now I'm pregnant again.

I feel like this often and it comes in waves so I went through and streamlined what I could. Cancelled the milkman as I always kept forgetting to pay. Set up a standing order for window cleaner. Don’t buy as much food. Buy birthday cards in one go way in advance and give everyone money. Just accept the parking fine and pay it rather than appeal. Take the easiest route possible whilst you’re feeling overwhelmed xx

I’m about to start seeking an adhd diagnosis and this sounds a lot like me. If I set 15 minutes aside to start doing those small tasks I’d procrastinate until the 15 minutes were up and still achieve nothing.

could be worth looking up how adhd presents in women and see if it fits you - there are SO MANY signs and it explains so much. Also I’ve been medicated for depression - it sorted out my deep pit of despair but did nothing to make me more organised, focused, energetic or get my shit together.

Is there someone you could ask for help? Perhaps the size of the list is what's adding to the anxiety.

Many years ago I was in a rough place and my house had went to shit. Doing the dishes was like asking me to climb a mountain. I just couldn't do it so the dishes got worse and worse. Thr whole house did.

In the end, my mum came and gutted my house for me. she cleaned everywhere, fresh bedding, life admin etc. She binned the dishes, bought me a basic new set from Argos and generally helped tackle the mountain. It was such a massive weight off me that I started to improve and I've so far, some 10+ years later, not went to such a dark place again. Sometimes you just need a helping hand out of the hole.

Oh god, this is me. I just want all this stuff to FUCK. OFF. (I’m pretty certain I have ADHD.)

I felt quite a bit like this last year. Overwhelmed, resentful, trapped by my comfortable life that others would probably kill for. I cut some hours at work, jettisoned as much respobsibility as possible in all the areas of my life as I could, and worked hard at setting boundaries and being kind to myself.

I can relate to this as well as suffering from massive anxiety. I put myself on magnesium supplements which has helped a lot with the anxiety, have a lady come in for two hours a week to do the cleaning basics (and have a cuppa with) and make myself go out once a week (I wfh) to somewhere nice, garden centre, book shop, cafe, different shopping centre etc.

it’s helped somewhat, but I have also made an appointment with the GP on duty at my local. I think it’s depression as I can have a really good day every 6 weeks or so, and cannot for the life of me figure out what causes it.

This is not a competition so please bear with me, my current list is around four A4 sheets (at least). The stuff at the top is urgent. I never miss a birthday and I don't feel overwhelmed. I know it will all get done. I have broken it down into small chunks with a few things every day max three or four when I am working all day.
If you have one long list it will feel completely overwhelming.
Small steps.
I reward myself with a proper break when it is all done or a blow dry at the end of the month.

Good routines and short cuts. Can you delegate some of this stuff?

Window cleaner should be automatic every six weeks, ditto other regular jobs. Whilst I am hold for one call, I do another on my mobile and/or on line.

The list will never end, that much I do know.
So better to make peace with it, keep it manageable.

I once binned my list, do you know who died? No one. Do you know what happened? Nothing. Sometimes we need to learn to let go, the painting can wait for instance, so can the weeds. Learn to chill out and don't sweat the small stuff. No one cares about your painting, weeds, dirty windows or most of the stuff on the list. Just pay the fine and send your dad a present. Put your feet up.

Interesting about the magnesium reducing anxiety. Which one do you take?

Do you try to hold it all in your head?
I really pricked my ears up at your op because I could have written it word word. I've always been on it, but WFH + managing home/life all together saw me feeling exactly like you and last year I was feeling hugely overwhelmed by it all and my feelings about it.
In the end I identified a big factor in the sheer running just to stand still feeling... I was using my normal tried and tested method for managing my 'stuff' as I always had i.e kept it in my head. This has always worked really well for me and I rarely if ever dropped a ball.
But I was like a computer that has run out of RAM, operational overload! I think wfh tipped the balance as I couldn't compartmentalise the same way.

My solution is that I have a to-do list and outsource all the remembering.
Every time something occurs to me that I need to attend to something I write it down and make sure I cross it off when done. This has freed up a lot of head space and I keep my work and home to do list separately so I look at one or the other and keep them apart that way.
I'm not perfect, the boundaries still blur a bit, but it is a huge improvement and I'm refining my system as I go. I no longer feel like I'm barely keeping up with a horrid tsunami of a conveyor belt of relentless 'tedious but essential' things.

Maybe you're not in this position and don't try to hold it all in your head... But that was the source of the issue for me, so thought I'd mention it.

You might have depression as the others have said, I can't comment on that, but I would reduce that stuff by at least half and half again.

Yeah.. I feel like that too.. sometimes I feel like I could greet when I just sit down and then my son asks me for something ..

Sounds familiar. Another one here with ADHD. If you can afford it, it would be worth getting a private assessment.

I really identify with you OP - the list of doom and the way it weighs on you. Interesting that others refer to ADHD. You have the list now, anyway, so my suggestions would be:

Keep adding to it rather than have stuff in your head/in random locations

Automate what you can - eg set up an online shop of the basics so that even if you don't amend it every week you'll have a delivery of eg milk, eggs, bread, bananas, pasta, sauce, a whole chicken... Ditto a direct debit to the window cleaner or anyone else regular. Amazon Prime for printer ink, salt etc.

Aim for one task a day. Perhaps you can chuck a few things out of the fridge while waiting for the kettle to boil, or ring the garage while walking to the Tube. That sort of thing.

Done is better than perfect.

I was in the same boat as you. I reckon I have a mild depression likely caused by peri, and also adhd traits.

I have hooked my chores with everyone else's so those get done without too much dread and planning. Eg. Wash goes in with children's breakfast. Ironing gets done when listerto th read.

I've also purchased the sensa app which has helped me with coping strategies. It's for adhd people apparently but the tasks on there have really got me on track.

I'm nowhere where I want to be but I've coke so far in the past 9 months. My tax return was in before Christmas, ditto my CPD. All my bills and budgets are done, the house is tidy for longer. I'm still mindlessly scrolling and need to lose weight but on the right track.

My first thought was depression. I suffer from it and most people would not suspect a thing because l am very good at covering it up. However, I find everything so draining. The time of year does not help, either. It might we be worth making an appointment with your doctor as, of course, l am not a doctor myself but speaking from my own experience.