To find my very comfortable life completely overwhelming?

[Kingcatnight]

For some reason over the past couple of years I seem to be finding my perfectly normal, "nice", not-remotely-difficult life to be completely and utterly overwhelming.

I have zero motivation and appetite for anything that doesn't provide instant gratification and fun when I wake up in the morning and I'm really struggling to tick anything off my list or fully apply myself to my job. There just always seems to be something else that gets in way that makes day-to-day-living feel like an endless slog of chores and misery.

Shopping needs doing
Things need throwing out of fridge
Garden needs weeding
Have to pay window cleaner
Got a parking ticket that I need to appeal
Forgot to buy salt for water softener
Or have plenty of salt for water softener but can't seem to find motivation to top it up...
Car needs servicing
Need to order new bank card
Garage needs clearing out
Must remember to book plumber to fix outside tap
Need to buy paint so we can repaint spare room (and then bloody paint it too)
XYZ form needs filling in but the printer's out of ink so need to sort that first
Dogs need walking/taking to vet
Forget dad's birthday

etc etc

The list is endless and new things seem to get added to it every day. It's just incessant.

In amongst all of this I am supposedly meant to find time to perform the job I'm actually paid to do to a high standard, pay my bills and feed myself. Basic functions performed, I then need to find time to exercise, respond to texts from friends/family and try to be a half-decent daughter/sister/niece etc.

I won't even start on the vague dreams I have about one day perhaps having the emotional capacity and headspace to learn french or play the violin.

I literally feel like just living and ticking off these tedious day-to-day tasks is a full-time job in itself. I don't understand how I'm supposed to fit anything else in around it. I really struggle to carry on with the rest of life while my to-do list grows increasingly longer and so my work suffers, because I have the luxury of WFH and I can't seem to motivate myself to focus on work when so many other things need doing. At the end of each day I go to bed feeling as though I've barely achieved anything and have underperformed in every area of my life.

On the rare evenings where I do find myself sitting down I'm so drained and low about it all that I end up mindlessly watching trash TV or youtube and then go to bed even more annoyed at myself for having achieved nothing of value.

I don't understand why I find this all so hard? Other people don't make it look this hard...am I just too sensitive and an incompetent under-achiever? Am I depressed? Surely there's more to life than this?

I diagnosed WFH disorder also know as procrastination.

My solution is work 4/5 days per week, 1 day for admin.

Life admin can very easily spill over into the rest of your week if you’re not really disciplined.

I should say admin also includes cleaning, laundry, gardening etc.

Lots of this is the mental load surely?

To combat it I'm trying to carve out some quality time to myself and also trying not to feel guilty.

I struggle with this too.

What I find helpful is to put the admin/ maintainance tasks in my calender. One small task a day. Then you don't have to think about it all - just take a little time mon-fri to make progress on your daily task. If more steps need taking, back in the calender for a later date.

You could always also set a day for each housework chore e.g. wednesday washing day.

Let your calender take the mental load and making progress each day feels good and frees up the mind

Yep, this is me.

I suspect I have ADHD. I also have an insanely busy job which has been very stressful.

Life never used to be like this. For many years I worked 9 to 5 with an hour for lunch, got my work done and skipped out the door on time. I even used to have hobbies and do exercise! Now I work too many hours and I am absolutely wiped out by a day at work. I love tech but it has completely and utterly over complicated my job.

Don't underestimate commitment dogs need. At least 90 mins / 5kms per day. It's a big deal. Or even a burden.

Some days I really find it tough.

Oh my god the replies - walking the dog , household chores day - No - these are just daily items that need to be done - they don’t need to cause chaos in your day to day life.
Does every single thing in a normal daily routine cause stress these days ?

I am interested in the concept of "pay yourself first" as suggested by a previous poster. Getting up and doing the thing that brings you joy first before anything else.

I know I am welded to the childhood 'rule' of work first play later. And as a mother it's impossible to avoid "fire fighting" to some extent as family life is rarely predictable. Of course, you never get to the bottom of the work list. Is it terrible to say that intimate relationships with spouses or partners and children are really rewarding but quite draining too? Housework and house maintenance seems to be endless. And so we aren't ever getting to the things which bring us personal happiness.

It's very difficult to do in practice:

I think I need seven notebooks for lists running simultaneously:

** everyday essential survival stuff such as food shopping, cooking, daily basic hygiene cleaning, washing essential clothes, banking, car, dog

** children, family and friends - activities such as school admin, extra curricular activities , play dates, birthdays, medical and dental appts, vet visits, hair cuts, date nights, visiting or hosting extended family, Christmas, expeditions , holidays, charity work or volunteering, church, household or clothes shopping

** paid work

** weekly, monthly, annual tidying and cleaning, admin, house & car maintenance and gardening

** self care such as hair cuts, exercise, opticians, preventative health care

** house renovation

** hobbies and things we love doing!

At the same time I am acutely aware that I am am very lucky to have the life I do, so it feels ungrateful and wrong to be feeling low, and guilt is feeding in to the overwhelmed feeling too.

@Geometricaesthetic lists rule when you have small children 📝

The feeling of overwhelm is all relative.
It's my kids that tip me over the edge

I feel exactly the same. Exactly. I regularly say to Dh ‘is this really my life’.

It's ok to be overwhelmed. Life is overwhelming sometimes. I am hesitant at lots of people suggesting ADHD... ADHD isn't just about being disorganised or overwhelmed with lots of tasks. It's many other things that are less apparent, but this overwhelm/task initiation/focus behaviour is now more commonly seen with working from home, COVID overwhelm etc. Just because ADHD can cause those behaviours and feelings doesn't mean that if you have those behaviours and feelings you have ADHD. It could be depression, anxiety, or simply that you have a very busy life and you need to take a bit of time out and reprioritise and look after yourself. Does it really matter if the garden isn't weeded? There is a constant need to be perfect and anything other than that is failure. I have started to allow and even embrace failure at perfectionism (it's very hard) and cut myself some slack and that actually helps me get some stuff done, because if I don't do it perfectly or don't do it at all then it's ok. The important stuff always gets done, maybe there is a tax to pay (like forgetting to pay a parking fine and it going up) but life and stuff happens and it's not always perfect and that's really ok!!!

Hello
Can you tell me more about the app? I am scared of wasting more money on another shiny thing?

This is what I was going to say. I don't know for sure as not diagnosed but the more I am learning it's def me!

That’s the thing though. I wouldn’t feel as badly if this was a case of me being too perfectionistic (is that a word?) but things are slipping and have slipped. I can’t keep up.

And my dc are teens not toddlers AzureOrchid so in theory things should be easier. In practice though I have been shocked by the amount of emotional support they need and I am no means a helicopter parent.

I think working from hone affects people in this way somewhat.
Working outside the home forces you to get up and out and make an effort which is better for our mental health.
Being at home demotivates some people. Maybe you are one of them.

I'm currently in therapy for my anxiety. I have two modes (neither healthy!) - I'm either an overachieving workaholic with awesome executive function skills, or I'm in freeze response and I just can't cope with the demands of living.

If you feel like you can't cope with everything, rather than just that it's a boring slog and you don't want to, then maybe have a bit of a google for tips to activate your parasympathetic nervous system.

But I think expecting to not have a constant list of things to do when you run a house and have children and have a dog and a job and relationships is unrealistic, and you need to be kinder to yourself when this gets on top of you. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or you're neurotypical. There's so much to do and of course it's overwhelming. I have ADHD, and I couldn't manage a tenth of that. In a month. I'm nearly 37 and last week my parents had to come over and help me clean the house. My partner has had to cook my meals for the last month as otherwise I wouldn't eat. But some people with ADHD can do that and more. My parents were hugely dysfunctional when I was a child and sometimes we didn't have a proper meal because they were busy with life, but they don't have ADHD. They just a a fuck ton of stuff to do with a house, two kids and two jobs. I have friends with a large house, two businesses and three kids and they completely have their shit together. I have another friend with one kid and their house is a complete mess. You can be neurotypical and find life hard!

I digress. My point really is that ADHD isn't just about being overwhelmed by jobs and the complexity of life and being disorganised when you have a load of stuff to balance. It's so, so much more. And it's lifelong, if you've struggled for a few years but not consistently through childhood then it's likely something else, like burnout, depression, exhaustion, anaemia - obviously I'm not a doctor but I would perhaps look into these things. But honestly it just sounds like you have loads to do and are understandably tired and overwhelmed, as anyone would be. Life is really hard!

Please cut yourself some slack. Can you prioritise and chop a few things off your list to get them out your head, if that would help? Does the garage really need sorting, and if so, is it a priority above your happiness and mental wellbeing?

When I had a pretty bad mental breakdown a few years ago and had to leave my overseas job in the hands of someone else, and many, many jobs were left undone, I was actually really surprised by how life carried on and these jobs that I thought were so important actually meant nothing. Life didn't end and noone died when they got left for a little bit. But I nearly died by putting them all above my health and happiness.

Which is why tomorrow I am buying a campervan and fucking off to Spain with my dog forever. Well I'm not. But I might do very soon!

Sorry, not neurotypical.

I appreciate the sentiment yellowcourgette about cutting ourselves some slack. And I do expect to always have some things on my housekeeping list, I thinks that’s normal for most people, I am not unrealistic. Agree that people have different energy levels and priorities.

I have been diagnosed with depression, it was other posters who mentioned adhd and neurodiversity but I agree that as you get older, there are simply more things to do and life gets more complex, so your focus is more diffused. I have had the opposite experience to you in that when I let things drop they got worse and worse and didn’t resolve themselves at all! 😃

I had this issue except I realised it was due to returning to the office permanently and undiagnosed health issues that perpetually exhausted me. For the last 6 months I've been working hybrid and will be 90 percent remote from feb which I am looking forward to as within my job we have teams all over the world which will hopefully allow me to move abroad within the next year or 2.

Another vote for ADHD, though it depends how long you've been having issues. Here's a free screening test.
www.additudemag.com/self-test-adhd-symptoms-women-girls/

Very good post from @yellowcourgette

I don't think you are necessarily depressed. The thing that jumped out at me (because I've also been there) was that you sound like you might be dissatisfied with your job. In combination with a lack of hobbies/interests this could lead to you feeling that life is a bit meaningless (not in a dramatic/existential sense, just in the sense of being a bit 'meh' about it all). When you have a sense of purpose and direction it is easier to accept the tedious boring stuff as the price you pay to facilitate the bits you enjoy.

I really hate these self diagnosis things. A lot of ADHD symptoms are also symptoms of other health issues, disabilities or disorders etc. This one doesn't ask anything about childhood which is absolutely key and doesn't ask anything about relationships, it's just mostly about sensory processing and task inititation which are only two possible symptoms of ADHD.

Sorry to hijack your thread OP!

OP do you feel on top of your depression? It does sound that maybe this could be contributing to the mundane and overwhelming feeling.

Sorry, I didn't mean to infer that your jobs aren't important or that they will magically go away! I just meant that maybe if some things don't get done, and even if they get a little worse for a while, it's not so bad. And it's definitely not worth making yourself sick over.

It sounds like you need a break. Something that has been recommended to me is doing an important urgent matrix. I find it super hard to differentiate between the importance and urgency of different tasks - doing the dishes can feel as hard or important as making a giant sculpture. If overwhelm hits, nothing gets done. If anything it helps me identify what would have the least impact if it didn't get done, and when I say impact, I try and think of my wellbeing and not what I would otherwise see as important, e.g. what other people think about me/my house/whatever or always putting other people's happiness before mine.