To find my very comfortable life completely overwhelming?

[Kingcatnight]

For some reason over the past couple of years I seem to be finding my perfectly normal, "nice", not-remotely-difficult life to be completely and utterly overwhelming.

I have zero motivation and appetite for anything that doesn't provide instant gratification and fun when I wake up in the morning and I'm really struggling to tick anything off my list or fully apply myself to my job. There just always seems to be something else that gets in way that makes day-to-day-living feel like an endless slog of chores and misery.

Shopping needs doing
Things need throwing out of fridge
Garden needs weeding
Have to pay window cleaner
Got a parking ticket that I need to appeal
Forgot to buy salt for water softener
Or have plenty of salt for water softener but can't seem to find motivation to top it up...
Car needs servicing
Need to order new bank card
Garage needs clearing out
Must remember to book plumber to fix outside tap
Need to buy paint so we can repaint spare room (and then bloody paint it too)
XYZ form needs filling in but the printer's out of ink so need to sort that first
Dogs need walking/taking to vet
Forget dad's birthday

etc etc

The list is endless and new things seem to get added to it every day. It's just incessant.

In amongst all of this I am supposedly meant to find time to perform the job I'm actually paid to do to a high standard, pay my bills and feed myself. Basic functions performed, I then need to find time to exercise, respond to texts from friends/family and try to be a half-decent daughter/sister/niece etc.

I won't even start on the vague dreams I have about one day perhaps having the emotional capacity and headspace to learn french or play the violin.

I literally feel like just living and ticking off these tedious day-to-day tasks is a full-time job in itself. I don't understand how I'm supposed to fit anything else in around it. I really struggle to carry on with the rest of life while my to-do list grows increasingly longer and so my work suffers, because I have the luxury of WFH and I can't seem to motivate myself to focus on work when so many other things need doing. At the end of each day I go to bed feeling as though I've barely achieved anything and have underperformed in every area of my life.

On the rare evenings where I do find myself sitting down I'm so drained and low about it all that I end up mindlessly watching trash TV or youtube and then go to bed even more annoyed at myself for having achieved nothing of value.

I don't understand why I find this all so hard? Other people don't make it look this hard...am I just too sensitive and an incompetent under-achiever? Am I depressed? Surely there's more to life than this?

I have felt similarly to you and recently saw a nutritionist who arranged some tests for me. One showed low dopamine, which would explain these symptoms. She told me I need to eat protein at every meal and that would help, because you need certain amino acids to make dopamine.

Which reminds me of an excellent book I read a few years ago called The Mood Cure by Julia Ross. It's about how nutrition affects mood, especially amino acids and their role in creating neurotransmitters. It has questionnaires to help you identify if you're low in certain neurotransmitters and if you are, there's advice on using supplements and food to change that.

The same author also wrote a book called The Craving Cure, if anyone's interested. It has questionnaires covering eating/craving patterns and again takes it back to neurotransmitters and nutrition, with advice on how to use supplements and food in such a way as to eradicate the cravings.

Look into ADHD in women and see if it sounds familiar.
I felt very similar to what you describe and didn't realise it could be ADHD...it was!

Could the weather be affecting your mood maybe? Maybe try taking vitamin D tablets. They're recommended for daily use anyway.

I totally get how you feel though. I've been there where it just feels like you're living the same week over and over again. I got out of this mindset by planning adventures/holidays, and learning new things. Find a purpose. You mentioned wanting to learn french and the violin. Why not start with one of those? I'd recommend violin. I play music and it's honestly such a great way to unwind, and you get such a great sense of satisfaction every time you master a piece.

Make plans, book yourself a holiday. It's nice to have things to look forward to in the year so that you have something exciting and out-of-routine coming up.

I feel like this and I do have a diagnosis of depression. I don’t feel better if I do manage to do some things from ‘the list’, I tend to go back to vegetating rather than doing anything nice. Sometimes I dread having a parcel due to arrive, i5 feels like too much. I’m functioning due to AD’s.

it feels ^

Wfh, I think that was the start of it.

Yup, yup, yup..I used to be sooooooo efficient. I still can be, but mostly I procrastinate. I'm 51 and have been blasted into peri-menopause in the last 6-8 months. Patches made everything waaaaaaay worse (seems I'm highly progesterone sensitive- I was almost bloody suicidal and this is so not me).

Day off today and I've achieved exactly nothing. I do have a shitty period though.

We all have that list (or there abouts) but we don't let it get us down. I am a complete procrastinator though, to an art form!

What worked for me (and I did all the life admin/cooking/shopping/housework/laundry), was not making a list - I think it would have been overwhelming. I worked full time, and had a large family (5 children), so as soon as something needed to be done, I did it, without thinking about the next task. I lost a bit of my mojo when I went through the menopause, but HRT soon brought back my energy and motivation.

Most sensible post ever.

I don’t agree with this, although the list is good apart from the last one.

It’s easy to ‘blame’ a ‘disorder’ like depression or GAD for how we feel because then it takes the responsibility away from us, but the reality is that these feelings are entirely controlled by us.

The only long-term way out of it is to change your beliefs, which in turn change your thoughts, which in turn change your feelings.

ADs are just a sticking plaster and have been proven not to work over time.

I think this sounds really normal. Really really normal. I find myself saying ‘it’s all just never ending’ about ten times a day. Lots of the stuff on your list is just trivial. Don’t beat yourself up about not exercising or replying to texts or routine vet stuff.

Maybe this will resonate with you?

When you are living a normal life, nothing really bothers your soul. You are in your comfort zone. Your thoughts are routine. You don't dig deep. You just go with the flow, you know. The daily routine, few friends, and the usual work keep you busy all the time. You are too content to bother about what you are missing. And that's how most people spend their entire lives, normally. It's only hurt that wakes up your soul. When something really breaks your heart, your whole life shakes up. At first, you shut down everything and embrace loneliness. You refuse the daily chores of routine life. You are no more going with the flow. You are dragging from one day to next, knowing that this is not the life you want. You scream in the pillow. You cry at night. You feel totally lost, broken, and spent. And when your eyes have cried out the seething pain in your veins, you enter into a numb zone. You are in a state of trance. You don't really feel the pain. You just feel empty. And to fill this void in your soul, you seek what your life should be.

And in this moment of emptiness, you get the golden opportunity to find your real calling. You can choose an easy way out. You can try to fill that void with the same thing that left you. Most people make that mistake. They waste their pain, their heartbreak. But the lucky few see it as a door to unshackle themselves. They seek what was calling them but they ignored. They try to feel more. They talk more to themselves. They go deeper into things. And with these thoughts, they end up finding the miracle of life, purpose. They finally realize that their time on planet earth is very limited. And if they don't go after their dream, they will enter death with regret and a heavy heart. So they make their dream the most important thing. They embrace self-love. They become self-dependent. They choose to ignore everything else as background noise. And then, the magic finally happens to them. It's all in your hand. You can make your shattered self into the most amazing masterpiece, ever. You had to break to build a new you. Try. Big Hug

Given the sheer number of people on MN (never mind the rest of the world) who feel like this, they can’t all have depression or ADHD.

MN is not representative. Women* post here when they are struggling. Women respond here when they see something that resonates with them. And women of peri age are just beginning to get late diagnoses of neurodivergence, and THOSE women are more likely to be seeking connections or advice online, rather than over prosecco in a loud bar while laughing with yoghurt or whatever NT women are supposed to do, because in person communication is hard. So yes, ND women are overrepresented on MN.

I have an ASD diagnosis, my executive function sucks, and the OP sounds familiar to me. I manage on lists (alllllll the lists) and trying to prioritise at least one activity a week that is just for me, not admin. I should also try to get out for exercise because it definitely helps, but I don't always manage that.

*Mostly but not exclusively

If you're working from home if you're not careful you end up with no separation between work, chores and relaxation. I'm self-employed, wfh and I've had to be really strict with myself otherwise chores and work do tend to get muddled up and I'm not concentrating on anything properly. My brain flits around from one thing to another.
I have a strict working timetable and in that time I am working and that's it. I also timetable in time for admin and chores and stick to that. Most days I will get up, get washed etc then deal with laundry straightaway. I'll then go into the kitchen and while I'm making a cup of tea and/or breakfast I empty the dishwasher. Then I'll deal with any emails or phonecalls relating to household admin - so that would be the time when I would phone the garage to book a service or make a vet appointment or whatever. After that's done, it's time to work (on work days) or on free days, to do whatever the fuck I like.
It is shit and it is overwhelming and I totally understand where you are coming from because I have the same issues, but I have dealt with it by having a strict timetable. It's the only thing that works for me.

You could make your own timetable and see how you get on with it. You have to be very strict though about not letting work thoughts, or chore thoughts, or free time thoughts invade the other sessions on the timetable.

I would recommend you simply start the violin and see you get on (violin teacher here!). Having a lesson one day a week gives you a fixed point which is time for you and you alone. Then get practice sessions on your timetable - again, time for you, and make it non-negotiable.
I started another instrument 10 years ago and it has really helped me to get through all kinds of things. I am now in all kinds of groups playing it and I love it. Practice time is absolutely non-negotiable -it's my time and nothing else gets to encroach on that.

I find setting alarms on my mobile phone also helps on days when I'm really pissed off about the chore part of the timetable. It gets set for 20 minutes or 30 minutes and I do this shit until the alarm rings.

It's possible you are depressed. ADHD is a possibility. You might be perimenopausal. There are all kinds of reasons why you might be struggling so much - it might not be any of the above. But whatever the reason, having more structure in place during the day will help.

Me too OP!

I buy the supermarket shelf (good brand name) variety,150mg per dose.

Originally bought them for DH as he gets very bad legs cramping, and I could see those made a difference to him. Read the bottle and it said relaxation support so I gave them a whirl too.

takes about a fortnight, however if I miss a few days, I really notice the change.

highly recommended

You simply work ft and can't be bothered/don't have the time to do boring life admin. Mumsnet says you are depressed or have ADHD 🤣. I have a list that long too, only I have 3 young kids too so I just don't have time to tick anything off. Even before kids I procrastinated if I had really boring life admin I needed to do.

I'm not depressed, I'm partly lazy, partly overworked, partly suffering from lack of sleep still getting up with a baby, partly not enough time. If I do get any free time I just want to sit down, switch off and watch tv or sleep. It's just working full time and trying to fit life around that.

Me too op. I found the post about hurt very interesting.

I don't do about 80% of your list, I find having low standards really helps. So, I didn't have a window cleaner for a couple of years, now I have one and it's an auto payment with the bank. I don't clean the fridge out that often, swish a cloth about a bit, sometimes things go mouldy. I don't bother with the garden in winter and in summer pay for a couple of hours of someone weeding and just ignore the fact it's not perfect. I hoover once a week, have a dust-buster mini hoover the rest of the time. Online shopping very quick. Clean the car about once every six months. Could clean the loft, but can't be arsed.

No wonder you feel your life is rubbish, it is quite boring! I choose slight mess, a bit of chaos, I clean essential areas like kitchen and bathroom quickly daily and that's it.

There's got to be time for dancing about to a few tunes, chatting with a friend, watching TV with one of the kids, walking or doing an outside hobby, otherwise you are right, it's not worth it.

Just set lower standards, I think the amount we are expected to do and work f/t is ridiculous sometimes, I notice most men don't do heaps of this household stuff and they often do hobbies and gym. Do that instead.

Or if you are well off, even easier, outsource the cleaning, gardening, car valeting and shopping to someone else.

Biggest load of bollocks I’ve ever read.

I do have a routine though in the morning, written down, tick list; but that's very basic, like one wash on, tumble drier, choose what's for tea (ready meal, salads, takeaways, Gusto, no proper cooking, too lazy), wipe surfaces and kitchen floor whilst kettle boiling. That's it. Rest of the time, look away unless you are going to do something about it.

I'd rather play the violin than have a cleared garage. I was once writing a book and the house went to rack and ruin, dust-bunnies everywhere. It was totally worth it. It isn't possible to do everything and be everything, so choices have to be made.

It’s interesting where you say be a half decent daughter/auntie/niece@Kingcatnight

Who are you doing these tasks for? Especially things like painting which can easily be let go for a while

I can relate but with things that people see I’m totally on top of it, but anything I can get away with I procrastinate. So I can do things, but I do them as a performance of being on top of things. I procrastinate one thing by doing another as well.

I'm wondering if it’s the constant (perceived?) expectation to be doing things or being perfect that’s at the heart of it.

Do you have to do things perfectly?

Honestly I am so drained reading this OP and also various replies
Op - your life is not hard , it’s absurd that you find it so hard
To the people replying that agree it’s so hard - oh my god - have you never had hardships in your life !
I am genuinely astounded at the attitudes here

I feel a bit like this too OP. I’m not sure depression is quite the word. More a lack of purpose, lack of meaning, lack of moving towards anything. An absence of journey. Small tasks become overwhelming because there are no big tasks to compare them to. I put off making simple phone calls for days, sometimes weeks, but don’t know why.

My issue is probably that I had high powered prestigious jobs then binned them to care for children and I adored that, loved being a sahm, was brill at it. But children grow up and now I’m permanently grieving for a stage of life I can never get back. I don’t want my jobs back, I crave being a mum to babies and toddlers again. I’ve guess if we lived a ‘natural’ life, my oldest child would have begun bringing me babies to help with before my youngest child could talk and I’d never have had to go back to life without little ones.

What’s the answer? Recognise the problem. Take a small step towards something you love, I guess. And I suppose reducing internet wasted time would help 😬