To find my very comfortable life completely overwhelming?

[Kingcatnight]

For some reason over the past couple of years I seem to be finding my perfectly normal, "nice", not-remotely-difficult life to be completely and utterly overwhelming.

I have zero motivation and appetite for anything that doesn't provide instant gratification and fun when I wake up in the morning and I'm really struggling to tick anything off my list or fully apply myself to my job. There just always seems to be something else that gets in way that makes day-to-day-living feel like an endless slog of chores and misery.

Shopping needs doing
Things need throwing out of fridge
Garden needs weeding
Have to pay window cleaner
Got a parking ticket that I need to appeal
Forgot to buy salt for water softener
Or have plenty of salt for water softener but can't seem to find motivation to top it up...
Car needs servicing
Need to order new bank card
Garage needs clearing out
Must remember to book plumber to fix outside tap
Need to buy paint so we can repaint spare room (and then bloody paint it too)
XYZ form needs filling in but the printer's out of ink so need to sort that first
Dogs need walking/taking to vet
Forget dad's birthday

etc etc

The list is endless and new things seem to get added to it every day. It's just incessant.

In amongst all of this I am supposedly meant to find time to perform the job I'm actually paid to do to a high standard, pay my bills and feed myself. Basic functions performed, I then need to find time to exercise, respond to texts from friends/family and try to be a half-decent daughter/sister/niece etc.

I won't even start on the vague dreams I have about one day perhaps having the emotional capacity and headspace to learn french or play the violin.

I literally feel like just living and ticking off these tedious day-to-day tasks is a full-time job in itself. I don't understand how I'm supposed to fit anything else in around it. I really struggle to carry on with the rest of life while my to-do list grows increasingly longer and so my work suffers, because I have the luxury of WFH and I can't seem to motivate myself to focus on work when so many other things need doing. At the end of each day I go to bed feeling as though I've barely achieved anything and have underperformed in every area of my life.

On the rare evenings where I do find myself sitting down I'm so drained and low about it all that I end up mindlessly watching trash TV or youtube and then go to bed even more annoyed at myself for having achieved nothing of value.

I don't understand why I find this all so hard? Other people don't make it look this hard...am I just too sensitive and an incompetent under-achiever? Am I depressed? Surely there's more to life than this?

Do people actually write lists? Like actual,lists? With the things the op has on them. Like clean out garage or weed garden?

I have no list. Maybe that’s why I don’t have any issue with this stuff. Isn’t a list anxiety inducing.

Yes I do.

I have so much to do that I forget what needs to be done or I get overwhelmed.

I would not be able to sleep thinking about all of the things that need doing and writing them down releases that pressure from my brain and I can relax a bit more. So it takes my anxiety away.

I have a to do list and then a weekly list and will try and spread out the to do list over the week so I have just a few jobs to do each day.
I also have what lunch and dinner I’ll be making too.

It also feels good crossing it off knowing it’s one less thing to do.

I’ve always heard making a list before bed is a good thing.

This ReSonAtes!!!!

I wonder sometimes is it a midlife thing. When I was younger I had lists. I always thought - get through the list, get on, then life will start. University, exams, tick tick tick etc. Even when my child was little -get him to sleep through, get him to school etc. Then life will start!

Now I realise there is no ‘life will start’. It’s all just one tick list of chores after another. That is life!

I am very similar. I function very efficiently at work but that is because all of my time and emotional energy is spent on work. I get home and it is chaotic. I am juggling so many things that I can't keep on top of it all.

I vote OP is bored. Life Admin is pretty dull. Why rush to do it when there is no genuine urgency?

Join the club! And be easy on yourself, January is like this for everyone. Get stuck in Trello, I love having something to help me visualise progress, even if it takes forever for me to do anything. Moving something into the done column makes me feel competent!

Sounds like depression/low mood and anxiety to me. You may be using avoidance techniques to cope with your anxiety, but it’s actually making things worse. A CBT course would probably really help you to identify some of the causes of your low mood and teach you some healthier coping strategies. You can get beyond a point where it all feels too overwhelming, with some work and some habit changes. Good luck!

As you say this is just the last couple of years then I think peri menopause is highly highly likely the reason for this feeling if you are aged anywhere between 40 and 55. Since I turned about 44 I periodically have feelings of overwhelm in particular in doing the very small things. Whilst I am generally a very competent person there is an inner voice that just is kind of horrified by the prospect of putting on a wash, or contacting the decorator. I'm on HRT now which hasn't really sorted it but I'm definitely much less overwhelmed in the first half of the monthly cycle so I'm pretty convinced it is linked to hormone levels. Read up on perimenopause and it's effect on mood and motivation...

That's me too.

Adult life is 80% slog. You just have to make the other 20% count!

Wise words!

I completely relate to this. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and I suspect (though not diagnosed) ADHD. I just procrastinate, it's like I'm scared of getting to the end of the list. Even though as you say there is always more adding to it!

I think others are right part of the issue is probably WFH (I do too). It means you can feel bad for longer not doing your housework list which then means you are too anxious to do you housework list, etc. If you worked in the office you would have less time to do your list and so less time to worry about not doing it. Hope that made sense.

This is 100% me right now, but I overanalyse the financial implications of every tedious thing I have to do.
I then end up stressed as it’s too long till payday so buy a Euromillions ticket (so another £5 gone!), and then spend (waste) an hour on rightmove looking at mansions.
Not sure what the answer is sorry !

I rarely open a thread these days without ADHD being mentioned.

OP, in the kindest possible way, your list is just Shit That Needs Doing. Divide your list into 2 columns: Stuff for me to do/Stuff I need to outsource, put this list on your fridge, work your way through it. One task a day for you (fill dishwasher with salt, clean fridge), one task that is outsourced (book plumber, book car service) and tick them off. Leave the list there and feel the satisfaction of tasks completed mount.

Just pay the parking ticket, don't appeal it. The freed headspace is worth the £30.

Can you spend part of your WFH day working from another space? A library, or go to the office if that's available? If not, I suggest you get out of the house at set times each day - once to walk the dogs, once to exercise. Put those routines in stone.

On the dream bit - some recommend 'paying yourself first'. So if your dream is to learn the violin, book yourself some lessons, and make violin practice the first thing you do every single morning.

Get a book and go to bed with it rather than watch TV. I guarantee you will feel better.

You say you are comfortable so generally with lists like these you can just go down one by one and most can be fulfilled by amazon in one basket, or done online. Printer ink/ paint/ food shopping/ dads pressie… all amazoned easily in one swoop.

Haven't read all the replies.

You sound bored witless. Life is short, find something that makes your blood pulse and your brain fizz with excitement, even if it means chucking over your 'normal' life and living on a alpaca farm in Peru.

What's changed in the last 2 years OP?
WFH obv.
Have there been other major changes in your life since lockdown? Did someone close to you die from Covid (or anything else)?
Who else is in your household? Is there a change in the dynamic there?

Do you have hobbies?
The things you listed can be done alongside a job and family, and hobbies, but they can also fill all the time you have.

I would like to know a bit more before commenting further.

Sorry - 6 questions!

The problem with a lot of your list (and I recognise this in my life too, totally) is that most of them aren't just 'tick off - done'. Shopping needs doing again next week, with all the mental energy of what to buy. Dog needs walking again tomorrow (which is why I couldn't cope with a pet!)
There's always cleaning and tidying to be done, it's the nature of it.

I'm so sick of doing the same thing day in, day out. Exercise. Cook. Make time for friends/partner. Make time for kids and hear reading etc. Laundry. It's not as if my dh doesn't do anything either.

Oh and if anything needs phoning someone/a company to do then that always takes a billion hours and opens up a whole new web of things to do.

This is also me..... I suffer terribly from executive dysfunction (seriously, read about it, so much will make sense) or I have made periods where I achieve anything and everything.. days later, I can't even get up....

May be worth speaking to go ❤️

Definitely this. Google adhd In girls and women

This sounds to me like depression and generalised anxiety disorder. I used to have exactly the same thoughts and also didn’t think it could be depression- I thought depression was a strong, severe feeling but actually it is more like apathy, lethargy and feeling like there is no point or like day to day life is a struggle.

Anxiety is that feeling of overwhelm and your brain running fast with to do lists but not able to concentrate on actually completing one- that’s generalised anxiety disorder. Both are very common and they come and go.

To get myself out of a downward spiral these things work for me. They might work for you too, give it a go:

• drink more water
• take all the vitamins every day
• Get a SAD lamp and make sure it’s on within the first half hour of waking up
• Try and get more daylight - go outside more if you can
• Set 3 very small, very achievable tasks to do each day
• Have something to look forward to. It could be a summer holiday or as simple as a nice slice of cake with a cuppa this afternoon
• Read the book “Why has nobody told me this before?” amzn.eu/d/hXVmCuu
• Try and socialise
• and… if all this doesn’t help…get some sertraline prescribed!

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you for feeling miserable about a list of never-ending and boring jobs. That’s just normal!

Everyone has a list. It would of course be nice to have completed all the jobs but I find that a lot of the jobs disappear off the list after a while because for whatever reason they no longer need doing. For example, I put off finishing painting my flat for ages and now I’ve sold it and I don’t think anyone really noticed that I hadn’t finished it! I’d just do the urgent stuff and stop worrying.

I get feeling this way, and can get bogged down at times, but looking at your list, you want everything done perfectly. What really needs doing? Paying the window cleaner and your dad's birthday. Book the car service order the bank card.

You could do that in an hour max. The rest of it, you can drop. You won't forget to walk the dog it will pester you to take it. You won't forget to buy food because you'll get hungry. So what if you don't fix the outside tap or paint the spare room, you could do it in 2 years. You might feel inclined to weed the garden but you don't have to. So for me, I'd give myself the choice of not doing a lot of it. Lighten the load.

Meet your sister OP! It’s just one bastard thing after another. I’ve been trying to get to the bank for the past two weeks and have yet to make it. I’ve yet to renew my car tax which was up at the end of December. I’m even resenting walking DDog at the moment and I usually love our walks. I get like this from time to time and it usually means I’m coming down with something or I’m exhausted (I’ve recently had covid). It’s like losing my mojo. I took myself off to bed with Netflix at 7pm because otherwise I was going to lose my shit with someone over something stupid. I’m off to google ADHD now!

@changeme4this Can I ask what magnesium supplements you take please? Massive anxiety sufferer here waiting for GP phonecard to discuss another round of sertraline.

Has WFH has resulted in you taking your foot of the gas and becoming distracted and a bit slack?. Not doing your day job properly as you are writing personal to do lists and then not doing your to do lists because its dull and you can't be bothered.

I got a bit more focussed and motivated when I went on HRT. Seriously made a difference for me,

Give your self 30 minutes at a set time before work to get a few of the urgent jobs done. Do another at lunch time and then sent aside 1 hour in the evening and just get things done. if you can stick to this for 2 days I bet you will get a bit done and start to feel a little better.

Also, have a an urgent list and a wish list.... painting the spare room is a bit of a wish and not going to be completed easily. Get that off your urgent list as it will sit there for a year just making you feel bad.

Also, sometimes just action things rather than wasting time adding them to your list. Stop thinking and writing about salt - jump up and do it.

I feel exactly the same way, have done for the last 2/3 years. It’s horrible.