AIBU to not give DH a medal for this shop?

[DinnerThyme]

I love DH more than anyone else on this planet and he's my absolute best friend. He's kind, he's smart, he's interesting, he's handsome, he's witty, he's fun. But, he is completely fucking incompetent and it drives me insane. I have to do everything. Granted, he works very hard, when being micromanaged to the nth degree and would work 24/7 if asked - but, unless given explicitly clear instructions, everything he does just falls apart. It's 10x more work for both us so I don't think it's even "strategic incompetence".

A few months ago, it all came to a head. I expressed how unbelievably miserable it was making me to always have to be the only real adult in the relationship, that his incompetence is hurting me and that he's a grown adult who should be able to cope with all of these things. He fully accepted the problem and the responsibility to fix it. Since then, to my mind, things have not improved enough. To his mind, he has improved and is trying.

He outlined his examples:

• "Offering to help with [an aspect of my job]" - (Essentially, I give a lot of presentations and it's useful to run through those with someone before I give them. For years, when I ask DH, he'll say yes and then try to avoid it meaning that I waste huge amounts of time waiting for him (like "oh, sure, I'll just go to the bathroom and then we'll run through it" - but then he goes off and does something else and doesn't come back so I spent ages waiting for him for no reason). He says that he's massively improved on that - but, to my memory, he's not helped me one single time since the big argument - he's just promised to, which is no change from before. I've said it's fine to say no but he won't, he'll just lead me on. It's worth noting that he has expertise in an area which is why it's useful to have his input and I have expertise in an area of his work and frequently help him out with his.
• "Keeping the house tidy" - We've had to cancel his family coming over twice since the big argument because the house was too messy and I refused to tidy the whole house by myself for his guests. Any tidying he's done has been under explicit instructions from me (literally to the point of "there's some rubbish, put that in the bin", "that's DS's shoe, put that in the cupboard"). When left to tidy by himself, I'll return an hour later and it's literally not tidier - he'll have moved one pile of crap to one place and put another pile of crap where it was. The only exception to this is the dishwasher, which DH insists on doing every single night before bed, regardless of how much actually needs to go into it. To my memory, he's not done any tidying at all without being explicitly asked other than the dishwasher. In fairness to him, he does also do laundry and has some kind of "system" that I can't fathom for where he puts different baskets depending on whether they're clean/dirty/wet/dry and then split by person...I don't understand his system so I don't touch it and leave him to it. It apparently works for him (except on the frequent occasions that he can't find anything, when he's not sure if a basket is clean or dirty and when wet baskets get forgotten about and need rewashing) so I don't micromanage that and just leave him to his chaos "system". He has not swept, hoovered, wiped, mopped, dusted...
• "Taken charge of food deliveries...I did the last one without any support" - He's done two. The first one I sat with him, with a list and told him exactly what to put in the basket, in exact quantities. The second one, I told him some things that were needed (shampoo, conditioner, nappies etc) but left him to it. He bought the non-food items I asked for but, in terms of just food, he bought: sausage rolls, juice, pasta frozen ready meal, smoked salmon, cream cheese, cheddar, apples, crisps, squeezy fruit pouches, bear strawberry yoyos, frozen pizza, curly fries, avocados, milk, bread, bananas. This is to sustain a family of four, for a week. Keep in mind, I can't have dairy so I'm not able to eat the sausage rolls, the pasta ready meal, the cream cheese, the cheddar, the frozen pizzas or the milk. I'm baffled as to how he believes that this is a sign he's done something good. I feel like it's what a 10yo would buy.
• "Dealing with DS and DD issues in the morning (like nappies and feeding) and not just fucking off" - ok, yeah, if one of the DCs need a nappy change or DD is crying for milk and I'm not there then he will now change/feed them instead of waiting for me to come back and sort it out. I'm not sure why that's such a huge win though.

AIBU to expect more "progress" than this in three months? Granted, he has made progress, he did do a Tesco delivery by himself and he does change nappies/feed the baby if it happens right in front of him and he does load and put on the dishwasher. Am I being too harsh?

YABU - He's made some progress so that shows he is putting in effort, stick at it and he'll get there.
YANBU - He's made such slow progress that he's clearly not putting in any effort, cut your losses, he won't get there.

I can see why you would find these issues so frustrating.
Only you can decide if he's faking incompetence to avoid housework or is genuinely well-meaning.
I'm guessing the latter, from what you've said.
You seem to have very clear concepts about how the home should be managed and he just isn't carrying out tasks effectively in your opinion. I too wonder if he is neurodivergent, or maybe just has a different perspective on housework.
Communication is going to be your best bet. Pin him down to a chat about how he feels about the way the house is run. Not an accusatory moan, but a genuine heart-to-heart about how you can work together to make life easier for you both. I wonder if he is confused about what you expect. Maybe you could resign yourself to more detailed shopping lists in future, or go along more with his decisions about meals or time-planning?

You two have so much going for you as a couple. It sounds like real love. Don't let the mundane, boring bits of life get in the way of enjoying this lovely man.

Except, OP wouldn’t even know if he struggles at work or have been able to help him. So while I agree with you that it affects all parts of our lives, I don’t agree that OP would know about any ADHD affecting him at work. My DH never knew.

We all obviously just get random selection of non mixable items and then starve to death.😁

With respect, being shown and told once isn’t going to stick when you have ADHD. I forget things as fast as I’m told them. In one ear and out the other. Doesn’t matter how hard I try or the effort I put into focussing, can’t be done.

That’s why I have to rely on written lists. Visual reminders. Alarms on my phone. For everything.

"I explained that the meal plan I have has about 30 vegetables and about 5 meats and all of them can go into all the meals - just the carbs and flavour base changes. Then I explained how 80g is a portion of veg so he can use that to ensure we have enough etc etc. I explained that breakfast and lunch don’t change and which snacks DS has (and the importance of having literally anything on hand for that). I explained that i buy bananas, apples, satsumas and then two other fruits depending on what’s on offer so that DS is introduced to as many foods as possible."

Bloody hell, I posted before saying you're setting your bar too low with this man, but you're setting your expeditions too high in this instance!

I stand by him not taking your feelings on board but that bit...fucking hell, I'd never remember all that! It's the communication here though, he needs to tell you if he can't remember all that...and he needs to take your comments on board for the other stuff where you sound very reasonable.

It sounds like you need to sit down and communicate more and honestly, both express your feelings and agree what's reasonable, and who does what going forward. And then stick to it. If he doesn't stick to it, it shows you he isn't arsed about your feelings and puts himself first. It's bigger than this shopping, it's communication not yoghurts.

Oh and don’t try telling me something while I’m doing something else….will not register. So a reminder “take out the green bin” said while I’m washing dishes might as well never have happened because ADHD means I can barely focus on what I’m doing in the moment, no room to receive, acknowledge and remember any other input.

Thinking for myself isn’t a problem. If I’ve written the list, visualised going, decided when I need to go then I function like anyone else. I do the domestic chores in my home so grocery shopping is a regular established task that I have a routine for, much like the routines and structure of being at work. It’s familiar and safe, I know what I’m doing. But ask me to follow someone else’s instructions or do a task I’m not used to and I’m not as efficient, especially if its unexpected. That doesn’t mean I can’t do it, I just might get some bits wrong and then feel like a massive sack of shit.

In the OP it sounds like the DH can function when he’s in the driving seat (i.e at work) but all of the issues the OP mentions are things he has been asked to do by her and it sounds like thats where the problems start - following another persons instructions without getting distracted, being able to shift mentally to meet the other persons needs whilst their brain is still stuck on something else.

I feel for the OP, its hard and she sounds patient as a saint. If it is soemthing like ADHD then getting support with this will help him to function more efficiently and might provide the answers the OP needs.

This actually sounds amazing. I want a wife.

Great - thank you. So that’s a good sign? I don’t want to be too controlling because he’s not a child. So I haven’t told him exactly what to buy, just the way I do it and why I do it that way. Would it be better if I set the expectation that he has to do it my way and give him a list of exactly what I would buy?

I don't think it's adhd, and I don't think it's weaponised incompetence either. I think it's simple incompetence. If you died then within 6 months he'd have a handle on all this stuff. The problem is how you move from doing it to not doing it for him without the house falling apart and the DC living off junk food.

Does he have learning difficulties, can he manage to do a professional job?
I suspect this will carry on forever because he sees all this as women's work and had has no interest in doing it.
I refuse to live with a man like this because they eventually wear you down to a quivering jelly. It's actually a form of abuse and misogyny.
Dsis is married to a man who has a highly paid professional and he does 50% of all baby care night and day and 50% of all housework, life admin gardening and cooking because hr RESPECTS dsis. Your H has no respect for you or your home. End of.

I love how men’s selfishness and the double burden is always explained away as some form of neurodivergence on this site

This man doesn’t have ADHD

he’s a selfish prick

i know an absolute sterling husband with a diagnosis of ADHD (from an actual doctor). Guess what? He makes his own visual timetables, alarms, lists and system so he doesn’t turn his wife into a general project manager and slave!

I don’t know what you mean about “my way”

But yes, write up a shopping list. I could never shop without a list. Even with a list I always screw something up, but it’s a 95% success usually.

Then he needs to put himself more in the driving seat at home and not abdicate it all to his partner.

I am despairing that he wants a medal for feeding his kids and not leaving them in shitty nappies

his answer says it all

he is comparing himself to men who ‘just fuck off’. He wants to be patted on the back for doing bare minimum. The bar is so low

What do you do when he doesn’t do things properly, OP?

E.g. the food shop where there was nothing to actually make meals from. Did you do another food order immediately or go out to the shops? I would have just left it until dinner time for him to realise we had nothing to make a meal out of and let him resolve it.

If you’re always picking up the pieces of course his behaviour won’t change. And I don’t necessarily think it’s intentional. But if you’re always fixing the problems he creates he doesn’t have to worry does he? I do a really thorough food order because I know if I forget something it’s a trip to the shop for me that I didn’t want to have to do.

Guess what? He makes his own visual timetables, alarms, lists and system so he doesn’t turn his wife into a general project manager and slave!
Yes but how did he learn to do that? So many of us who were undiagnosed figured it out slowly and after much failures. This man is undiagnosed, perhaps he just needs a bit of help getting a system in place. Rather than condemnation.

Ahahaha you want her to write a shopping list?!

for a grown up??

she may as well do the shop herself

and he knows it!!!!

If he can function as a teacher, work hard and do his job then this is deliberately weaponised incompetence at home

Nobody who is incapable doing a half-appropriate family shop could manage teaching.

Translate what he does at home into the workplace:

"Oh sorry, I tried to do the supplies order/organise revision guide order but I forgot to put the forms in with admin and when I did, I actually ordered half the number we needed and I put the wrong exam specification in. Oops"

"You want me to set my classroom up. Ok, so can you give me a list of what you need me to do. I need you to tell my how many whiteboard pens I should have, and whether I need lined paper, plain or both. In terms of textbooks/resources, I know they're in the store cupboard organised by year group but could you tell me which ones I need and if you could look at my class lists to tell me how many I need, that would be great. Exercise books? Oh no I don't have anywhere to keep the books because someone didn't specifically tell me I needed to keep them stored in a logical way by class, so I just leave them lying around and hope they can be found."

"I know I said I'd meet to look at schemes of work, but I went to the staff room, made a coffee, pissed around for half an hour and look at that, you already done it/it was time for you to go home. Oh well."

He wouldn't do it in the workplace. He chooses to do it at home.

Have you asked him why he didn’t do all of this when shopping by himself?

When he says he’ll listen to a presentation and wanders off, do you ask him why? And so on and so forth?

If so, what are his reasons?

Agreed.

It makes you wonder how single parents with ADHD cope, if we're to believe it's the cause of needing to be told to put rubbish into a bin.

Exactly my point. You’re describing someone with diagnosed ADHD, so he is aware and has since implemented the strategies to make sure he can meet the needs of his family.

If the OP’s DH has undiagnosed ADHD then thats the problem.

He’s being incompetent. If he has a job and holds this down, there is no reason he can’t do any of the stuff you do 50/50, it’s just lazy!

Honestly, that surprises me that your Dh or others were totally oblivious. And from later posts it sounds like your ADHD is quite severe.

I'm afraid that I'm still not convinced about OP's DH. I also continue to be frustrated when incompetence at home appears to be the only symptom of ADHD. It's a bit like when you see posts on here about men who can't even organise to pick up their children from school or to book movie tickets but miraculously, they can plan a 3 day stag event.

I will condemn ANY man who disrespects the person he loves in such a way

You don’t even know if this man has ADHD

Stop projecting