AIBU to not give DH a medal for this shop?

[DinnerThyme]

I love DH more than anyone else on this planet and he's my absolute best friend. He's kind, he's smart, he's interesting, he's handsome, he's witty, he's fun. But, he is completely fucking incompetent and it drives me insane. I have to do everything. Granted, he works very hard, when being micromanaged to the nth degree and would work 24/7 if asked - but, unless given explicitly clear instructions, everything he does just falls apart. It's 10x more work for both us so I don't think it's even "strategic incompetence".

A few months ago, it all came to a head. I expressed how unbelievably miserable it was making me to always have to be the only real adult in the relationship, that his incompetence is hurting me and that he's a grown adult who should be able to cope with all of these things. He fully accepted the problem and the responsibility to fix it. Since then, to my mind, things have not improved enough. To his mind, he has improved and is trying.

He outlined his examples:

• "Offering to help with [an aspect of my job]" - (Essentially, I give a lot of presentations and it's useful to run through those with someone before I give them. For years, when I ask DH, he'll say yes and then try to avoid it meaning that I waste huge amounts of time waiting for him (like "oh, sure, I'll just go to the bathroom and then we'll run through it" - but then he goes off and does something else and doesn't come back so I spent ages waiting for him for no reason). He says that he's massively improved on that - but, to my memory, he's not helped me one single time since the big argument - he's just promised to, which is no change from before. I've said it's fine to say no but he won't, he'll just lead me on. It's worth noting that he has expertise in an area which is why it's useful to have his input and I have expertise in an area of his work and frequently help him out with his.
• "Keeping the house tidy" - We've had to cancel his family coming over twice since the big argument because the house was too messy and I refused to tidy the whole house by myself for his guests. Any tidying he's done has been under explicit instructions from me (literally to the point of "there's some rubbish, put that in the bin", "that's DS's shoe, put that in the cupboard"). When left to tidy by himself, I'll return an hour later and it's literally not tidier - he'll have moved one pile of crap to one place and put another pile of crap where it was. The only exception to this is the dishwasher, which DH insists on doing every single night before bed, regardless of how much actually needs to go into it. To my memory, he's not done any tidying at all without being explicitly asked other than the dishwasher. In fairness to him, he does also do laundry and has some kind of "system" that I can't fathom for where he puts different baskets depending on whether they're clean/dirty/wet/dry and then split by person...I don't understand his system so I don't touch it and leave him to it. It apparently works for him (except on the frequent occasions that he can't find anything, when he's not sure if a basket is clean or dirty and when wet baskets get forgotten about and need rewashing) so I don't micromanage that and just leave him to his chaos "system". He has not swept, hoovered, wiped, mopped, dusted...
• "Taken charge of food deliveries...I did the last one without any support" - He's done two. The first one I sat with him, with a list and told him exactly what to put in the basket, in exact quantities. The second one, I told him some things that were needed (shampoo, conditioner, nappies etc) but left him to it. He bought the non-food items I asked for but, in terms of just food, he bought: sausage rolls, juice, pasta frozen ready meal, smoked salmon, cream cheese, cheddar, apples, crisps, squeezy fruit pouches, bear strawberry yoyos, frozen pizza, curly fries, avocados, milk, bread, bananas. This is to sustain a family of four, for a week. Keep in mind, I can't have dairy so I'm not able to eat the sausage rolls, the pasta ready meal, the cream cheese, the cheddar, the frozen pizzas or the milk. I'm baffled as to how he believes that this is a sign he's done something good. I feel like it's what a 10yo would buy.
• "Dealing with DS and DD issues in the morning (like nappies and feeding) and not just fucking off" - ok, yeah, if one of the DCs need a nappy change or DD is crying for milk and I'm not there then he will now change/feed them instead of waiting for me to come back and sort it out. I'm not sure why that's such a huge win though.

AIBU to expect more "progress" than this in three months? Granted, he has made progress, he did do a Tesco delivery by himself and he does change nappies/feed the baby if it happens right in front of him and he does load and put on the dishwasher. Am I being too harsh?

YABU - He's made some progress so that shows he is putting in effort, stick at it and he'll get there.
YANBU - He's made such slow progress that he's clearly not putting in any effort, cut your losses, he won't get there.

@1hyuny

What would you like to kno

More?

How do you mask at work?

How does ADHD not affect you in a workplace?

I read this and thought ADHD too to be honest.

Let me ask you this - while you were undiagnosed and unmedicated, did you find work challenging in certain ways? When the diagnosis came in, did you and your loved ones think, "oh, of course, that's why Onnabugeisha does that"? Because I've read a thousand threads on here with people making this exact statement. That they were successful, they had good careers, they brought up children, but learning they had ADHD or ASD made them understand why they'd always felt that it was harder or why they'd had to do things in ways that seemed different to other people.

My brother has ADHD. It was even diagnosed. But in those days, it was just about being "hyperactive". He's never been given additional tools etc. He has functioned, had a successful career etc. But it hasn't been easy and all of us around him are fully aware of the work he's had to do to make it happen.

Stompythedinosaur · Today 11:47
I'm pretty sure that people who have ADHD have it both at home and at work. If he is only incapable at home then I am skeptical it is this.

Yes we do, but usually at work we develop tools and coping mechanisms to counter our weaknesses. Also work doesn’t usually consists of vague things like “do what you think needs to be done”. At the lower levels, workload tasks are specific and assigned with deadlines. At the strategic levels, goals are specific and you develop and delegate tasks..plus you usually have an executive assistant to run your schedule and keep you moving smoothly from one appointment to the next while also ensuring your people are doing set up, have presentations and documents ready etc.

I don't think it's ableism?

Surely if he doesn't struggle at all with the massive workload and organisation required for his job he shouldn't struggle with doing the bloody shopping.

I think the ADHD has become a red herring tbh, even if he does have it, he can manage to organise his entire class, I'm sure he can buy some groceries.

He is being lazy and passing this off as wife work

Why cant you just anqwer OP question? Instead of telling her that you dont agree with her and that it means she doesnt agree with you? No, she doesnt agree with you and is interested how you see thing to get other perspective, yet you are just snapping back without really talking to her or listening to her.

Now thinking my dh is a bigamist and married to you as well OP.

I have no advice but to throw things away so there is nothing to manage, don't book anything, don't eat anything that requires planning.

OP, there are often threads like this on MN, I’ve made one myself. Unfortunately men can be crap in this area, nature, nurture, whatever reason. His behaviour is disrespectful of your mental load and your time. Since you’ve made it clear you love him I won’t say LTB, but instead offer some suggestions that might help.

• Can you hire a cleaner weekly/twice weekly? Or upgrade to housekeeper?
• With the weekly shop, I have a saved shop which Morrisons automatically puts in my virtual basket each week. Then I just have to make small adjustments before checking out. Is this something your husband could do, if you set it up? Even if he just checks out without making adjustments, it’s better than the awful shop he did before.
• Mornings sound like a nightmare. Could you implement a system e.g. responsible for one child each. You both work so you shouldn’t be doing all the kids stuff. Other options - look at a breakfast club for school aged child to adjust the timings a bit, and tell your DH to get up early to get X child ready and to breakfast club before work, and you’ll deal with the baby.

You are too busy doing 70hrs/week to be doing all this housework crap. Teaching is a busy profession too, so I think cut yourself some slack and just look at outsourcing and reorganising things a bit.

@katepilar

He doesn't want to answer. He just wanted to have a go at OP.

I read this as weaponised incontinence and was very confused 😂

I think this could be adhd. Would he get assessed?

In my experience with ADHD unexpected changes in activity can be a problem. What I call gear changes. If I’m doing something and someone interrupts and asks me to think about what they’re doing I can struggle to shift as fast as I need to. There are lots of other ways that it effects me to but I don’t want to wang on about it on here. It helps to remember that executive functioning is simply about executing tasks.

As for the difference between work and home its extremely common for people wirh ADHD to be successful in their work and school life and to struggle in other settings, such as home. As with all neuro-types its about the environment and the demands not the person.

ADHD is never an excuse. That’s certainly not what I meant so sorry if it sounds like that. Everyone still needs to work out how to function so we’re pulling our weight and not burdening others. But discovering if it is ADHD could lead to the answers this persons DH needs to overcome the problem. There are other methods and strategies that work far better for an ADHD brain and theres also medication.

How do posters think people with ADHD get their groceries?

Yes this is strategic incompetence. I'd suggest giving zero exploitable wiggle room on task(s) that balance the load appropriately. No pointers, feedback or assistance whatsoever...this only encourages him to push responsibility on you.

Example: A to Z responsibility for kitchen, includes meal planning, food shopping, cupboard management, cooking, cleaning, dishwasher pack/unpack, school lunches and replacement/repair of anything as required...

If he can manage a job, he can manage a kitchen. Or whatever room/activity you like. The principle is the same. If he still chooses to prioritize his own time/energy over yours, and gaslight you in the process, then a different conversation needs to take place.

I was going to say this.

To the people saying “I bet his classroom is tidy” etc.

I was intrigued to find out what his job was, then when I saw teacher I thought “hmm yeah okay.”

OP should have a chat with his TA, she might find it very enlightening!

It's parapet.

My 'd'h is very similar re the incompetence, but without the redeeming features of the first two sentences of your original post @DinnerThyme

The last straw for me was when I went for one night away earlier this year (compared to around 15-20 nights for him) and left a pile of washing at the top of the stairs, in an unavoidable, fully visible position, to see if he would do it. I was not surprised at all when I got back to find it still there. It's either a selfish lazy choice, or genuine inability to see things. Either way, unacceptable for the remainder of your/my life.

Thankfully I've had a laugh here with the carpet/parapet scenario 😂

Doing the shopping is a complex one to ask someone to take on, unless they are also the meal planner. It sounds like your DH is someone who needs clear instruction, so if he's going to take on the shopping, you need to set it up first. My DH is not dissimilar, but does all the shopping very efficiently. We have a system - we have a set rotation of meals, and our supermarket allows us to have multiple shopping lists, so we have four different weekly lists on their website, which we can then modify. There's a whiteboard in the kitchen where we write anything else that's needed (replacement of things that run out slowly, extra of something we've eaten more of, changes because we're going to be out for a meal). If you can once get a system set up, you might find he does a great job.

I know mine doesn't do very well on "tidying up for guests" - he just doesn't see the mess. So if I want help on that front, I list clear-cut tasks.

That and also some of my career choices to be honest. Explained why I needed notepads full of written action items and to cover my office in reminder notes. Why I set alarms on my phone every morning for each appointment coming up that day..and even a “go home alarm”. Why I preferred to hold a team meeting to get the big stuff knocked out, because I wouldn’t be able to focus to do it by myself without the team- when I told myself I had an inclusive leadership style. Why I chose Uber organised people to be my executive assistants and deputies.

This comes across as ADHD to me as well. It doesn’t come across as weaponised incompetence at all.

Exactly @Onnabugeisha . And I am sure your EAs and deputies, partners and friends were all aware of this. Which goes back to the original point which is that I'm not buying he has ADHD unless OP comes back to say, "actually, he does really struggle at work and I've helped him a lot with strategies". My original point was not that ADHD people can't hold down jobs and do so successfully, but that there would be signs in all aspects of their lives and for posters to use ADHD as a get-out-of-jail card for OP's DH is annoying.

I order mine online.
We have a list in the kitchen, and if it doesn’t get on the list, it doesn’t get ordered. DH and DC put stuff on the list as we run out. We do a family menu and I build more list from that list of meals.

I still forget things, today is an example, got my ocado delivery and FFS! Forgot the bread and milk. Which shouldn’t need to be listed as those are two things we always need. But forgot.

So will be walking to co-op later to top up. Assuming I can put down my tablet and get off MN before dark. Which is anyone guess as I’m in a bit of a hyper ficus rut right now.

ADHD can be a time waster.

Thanks for input - I’m reading and listening and taking it all on board, even the bits I don’t like and even if I don’t respond.

With respect to the shopping, I showed him exactly how to do it (that was the first shop he did). I explained that the meal plan I have has about 30 vegetables and about 5 meats and all of them can go into all the meals - just the carbs and flavour base changes. Then I explained how 80g is a portion of veg so he can use that to ensure we have enough etc etc. I explained that breakfast and lunch don’t change and which snacks DS has (and the importance of having literally anything on hand for that). I explained that i buy bananas, apples, satsumas and then two other fruits depending on what’s on offer so that DS is introduced to as many foods as possible. We did a full shop together with me showing him all of it. Then, he’d clearly forgotten almost all of it by the shop. He did get apples and bananas and DS snacks. I wouldn’t mind if he’d gone off-piste as long as there was still provision but assumed showing him exactly what I do would be useful if he’s unsure. It’s even possible for him to just repeat the same food order we did together.

Executive function with adhd isn't limitless though, it someone focuses on their job to pay for life then often other things fall by the wayside.