Boyfriend wants a baby or will leave

[Nymeria6]

Been with DP for 8 years, lived together for 3. We have both just turned 38.

He wants a baby and I have been making excuses and delaying for 2 years. He has now given me an ultimatum saying he wants a family and I'm unfair if I don't and I have been stringing him along.

I have ongoing mental health issues which he can find difficult. I'm also left to do the bulk of the house work/decorating and totally responsible for our cat.

I'm exhausted all the time. I don't think I could deal with a baby right now. He's said or basically ordered me to get my coil out when we are back from our hol.

I don't want to lose him

At 38 it's pretty much a now or never time and if you are not feeling maternal now, it's possible you never will.

You aren't compatible.

Leave, so you can both be happier.

Obviously I mean my son not the cat 😂

I wouldn't call making excuses for 2 years "stringing him along" as other posters have. But if it continues, then yes, you are. It's time to accept that you do not want a baby and he does so it is probably time to end this relationship.

If you DO want a baby but are just completely exhausted and struggling with your mental health then there's probably a conversation to be had with him around what is necessary for it to be possible for you. But I'm not hugely optimistic - he doesn't sound like a man who is interested in playing his part in making life easier to facilitate a pregnancy and a baby.

OP you could give in an have the baby (don't!) and still lose him.

It's sad that your wants in life are different but cut him loose to go find someone who shares his desire to have a child.

There’s only really one option here. He wants a baby, you don’t, it would be unfair to bring a child into this situation so he has to leave (go and find someone who can give him a family). Chances are he won’t find anyone but if he stays he will resent you for not giving him a family.

Is there a reason your doing the bulk of the housework? Are you not working?

Just a query as folks are making him look like a lazy man child but if he is working all day and your sat at home I would expect you to do the bulk of the house work.

If your mental health is an issue it sounds like you don't want a baby at all and therefore you need to have a conversation with your partner as it now seems your at a point where you want different things. It isn't fair to pretend you are wanting children and dragging it out when in truth you dont.

So when will he be around to look after this baby that he so desperately wants?

It would take a hell of a shift for him to apply for shared parental leave, part time working and adjust his hours so he can do half the childcare drop offs and spend a significant amount of time solely caring for an infant does he?

It’s a combination of that, poor comprehension, and wanting to blame one party (usually the man)

I think you need to be honest, you don’t want a baby and at 38 likely never will. Don’t keep stringing him along to keep him and don’t have a baby for the same reason.

how is it possible to add details to a post unless somebody knows your password etc ?

If it was the other way around and the woman was saying the man has been 'making excuses for 2 years' then MN would absolutely say he'd been stringing her along. This isn't really any different!

OP, you sound like you both want different things and are heading down different life paths.

Be kind to him and be kind to yourself and let each other go your separate ways. It was unfair of him to set an ultimatum though, and it's unfair of you to hold him back if it's what he really wants.

They are saying that other posters "fill in the blanks" ie add details to the story that they can't possibly know. It happens all the time. They do not mean that people are literally adding stuff to the op's posts.

Sorry @Nymeria6 but I am wondering why you didn't say to him 2 years ago:

"show me for the next 12 months that you are responsible enough for me to have a baby with, which includes you sharing the household chores - including shopping and and cooking - not leaving all of the care for the cat to me, and supporting me with my mental health issues (explaining what that 'support' means to you), then I will give you my honest answer about whether I am, or think I will ever be, ready to have a baby."

Normally, I might have suggested that he did that for 18 months, but 12 months should have been enough time to tell how he coped with having to pull his weight, and to show whether he could have actually been supportive and responsible. If he refused, or couldn't even manage the 12 months, then you would have both had your answers so much more quickly.

Please be honest with him now, and please search out your own inner voice, so that you can be honest with yourself, as unfortunately you really are running out of time to be hopeful of a positive pregnancy if you did decide that you do want a baby. Personally, I don't think anyone should bring a child into this world unless they know that they passionately want one, and would still be glad to have one, even if their partner were to walk out the door, and never look back.

YABU.

Your reasons for not wanting a baby with him are perfectly reasonable, but lying to him and stringing it out over 2 years so he didn't leave you are not. You could have said "I'd be prepared to have a baby if X Y Z things changed, let's reassess in a year's time", but you didn't.

You let him think you were going to change your mind to keep him - how many times has a man on here been absolutely crucified for changing his mind about having kids a few years into a relationship?

Shit behaviour. Tell him the truth.

@Margo34 Dh and I talked about when to have children, whether we were ready, what it would look like for more than 2 years. I was ambivalent, he was keen. Sure, if she's been saying, "I will be open to trying for a baby next month" for the last two years, that's stringing along, but it sounds like she's been saying that she's not sure she's ready or wants kids etc etc and I don't think 2 years is an excessive amount of time, for a man or woman, in this scenario. BUT now that he's made a (perfectly understandable) ultimatum, she needs to agree, or let him move on.

OP I am sorry.
I'm afraid I don't see any future in this relationship either.
I was in your boyfriends situation- with a man I was head over heels in love with and made it clear from the beginning I would love children.
At first he was saying " not yet, in a few years" or "sometime soon",
" once I am higher on my career ladder".
I waited years until I was 37 and he finally told me he didn't want children- ever.
I was heartbroken.

I had to choose between this man I loved with all my heart or having children.
I left him- probably one of the hardest things I have ever done.
Despite being 37 I did meet another lovely man, settled down and had
two babies -still with him 20 years later and happy.
The twist in the tail is my ex met another woman and he became a father 2 years after our split.

Also, those conversations were before we even got married. It was part of the "shall we get married eventually" conversations because there was no point in us getting married if we had different views on whether or not to have children.

If you love him you’ll let him go. You’ve already strung him along for two years so anymore is a bit cruel I think. He’s still young enough to start a family whilst it will also take the pressure off you. Both are valid options ♥️

I have ongoing mental health issues which he can find difficult. I'm also left to do the bulk of the house work/decorating and totally responsible for our cat.

Your b/f is insane to push an unwilling woman into conceiving a child for him.
You would be insane to comply.
You'd be left with ALL the work it entails, he would not support your MH (he finds it 'difficult' now ffs) - how are you going to feel, stuck at home with PND, a baby you did not want, & an unsupportive b/f?

Note that he's not offering marriage. You wouldn't even have any financial & legal protection if you went ahead with this insane plan.

I don't want to lose him
And he doesn't want you unless you provide him with a baby - a baby which he obviously will not step up for. He can't even look after a cat or do housework. He certainly won't step up to all the work & sacrifice a child entails.

As to not losing him - what are you going to do - keep stringing him along, while secretly taking contraception, just so he doesn't leave you?
He is perfectly reasonable to leave you. He wants a baby. You do not. You have not been straight with him.

What IS unreasonable is his behaviour outside of any babymaking wishes.
He doesn't support your MH, he reckons you are his domestic skivvy, & he can't even look after a cat.
Why on earth don't you want to lose him?
Do the decent thing for both of you & start telling the truth. No, you will not have a baby. Yes, that means you need to split up.
If the sexes were reversed here you would be getting a kicking from PP for the stringing-along for 2 years. It's unfair. I can understand why you did it - you are scared of being alone. But you might find that a change of circumstances & a commitment to looking after your newly single self as best as you can manage ends up being the silver lining your MH needs.

Right now, you are selling yourself the falsehood that you cannot manage without your b/f. This is bullshit, & look at the desperate behaviour that false belief has driven you to - you have been fibbing to your b/f for 2 years about having a baby with him. Instead of this relationship, invest in therapy for yourself, uncover what has driven you to throw in your lot with a man who can't even manage to look after a cat & expects you to do all his domestic drudgery.
You could come out of this stronger, more resilient & independent, & genuinely much happier.

This might be cynical but maybe bf likes to see you on the floor and a baby would guarantee that you stay there.

Don't have a kid with someone at 38 if you have MH issues as menopause is tricky enough dealing with childless. I now see why my DM totally struggled with us at that age.

I have read your previous posts, you have OCD, you cant stand the house and chaotically go round with sanders and paint brushes trying to sort things out and in doing so have caused spillages. It sounds chaotic, you have a standard in your head of how you want your house to be and struggle living in the house. You mention going round the house 3 times a week with a sander which led to your partner taking it off you. So it sounds like your home is actually affecting your mental health. Having meltdowns because of the house and having to get support from your partners mother isn't good at all. It sounds like you need to go and get support for your mental health issues as they are affecting your ability to function. As for a baby if that is what he wants you are not in position to even consider a baby so get support for your mental health. It sounds exhausting and I know if i was living with a partner who behaved like you and they didn't seek support I would leave.

He wants a baby and I have been making excuses and delaying for 2 years. He has now given me an ultimatum saying he wants a family and I'm unfair if I don't and I have been stringing him along.

Tbf I agree with him on this. If you don't feel able to have a baby with him because he doesn't pull his weight then you needed to tell him that 2 years ago. You've wasted years of both your lives by not telling him what you need.

If you don’t want a baby, tell him and let him move on.

You're 38. You need to make a decision - baby or no baby. And you need to tell him straight. All that other stuff (doing most of the housework etc.) is unlikely to change. I'm sure he has lots of other good qualities, but, if you're looking for a domesticated man, he's clearly not it. Do you want to be with this guy or not? Is he worth it? You've put off the decision for 2 years. Don't put it off any longer.