To Pay for a Strangers Shopping?

[NameChangeAgainandAgainandAgain]

I've name changed for this ...

There's a truly lovely thread on Chat called "What is the most memorable moment you shared with a stranger who you never saw again?".

There are many stories about the kindness of complete strangers and what a difference they have made to their life.

Some stories are incredibly moving and talk about how strangers have helped out when, for instance, a loved one has died.

Other stories talk about how a stranger has helped when things have been tough financially.

I know times are hard and reading all the posts has made me think that I'd like to, perhaps, pay for someone's basket of shopping in the supermarket, their petrol or buy someone a coffee etc.

Having read the impact this sort of thing has had on people, and how they remember it so many years on, I'd like to do this rather than donate as such.

How do you do this without being condescending or insulting? And how do you know who to do it to?

I wouldn't want any thanks as I'd probably run off quickly as I'd be embarrassed!

A good few years ago I had someone do this for me when I was abroad. My DPs and I had been on a cruise when DF was taken ill and medically disembarked. DM couldn't easily go with him due to disabilities so I left the ship instead. 2 days later while waiting for him to be well enough to go home he was taken ill overnight and admitted to a specialist hospital for urgent cardiac stent surgery.

While he was in hospital recovering I was making use of a local cafe that I walked past between the hotel and hospital who did a soup, sandwich and coffee deal for €3. I would visit him at lunchtime, on the way back to the hotel would go in to buy lunch and then ask them to do the sandwich as a takeaway if possible so I could have it for my tea (I saw it as a way to keep our costs down). On the 3rd day of doing this, the cafe owner got chatting to me as he had studied in the UK so wanted to talk about his time here as well as find out a bit about my story. When I explained why I took the sandwich away every day he said it was no problem and, so long as they were open when I came back from visiting, they’d pack my sandwich up for my tea.

When it was time to pay, he handed me the bag with the sandwich in and said there were a couple of extras that, if not sold that day, he’s have to throw away so would rather they were appreciated. Back at the hotel I checked the bag and he had included a couple of chocolate bars, packet of crisps, some fruit and a couple
of cakes - after days of soup for lunch and sandwich tea, it was an absolute feast. When I went in the next day he wouldn’t take any extra money, insisted I had a second helping of the soup that day and, again handed me a picnic for my tea. This carried on for the rest of the time my DF was in hospital and, some days, he would insist I had a beer instead of coffee with my lunch and one day served a beautiful salad with the soup ‘for a change’.

I paid it forward a couple of years later while I was on jury service. I got chatting to a homeless man one morning while having a coffee and killing time before heading to the court; he had ended up on the street after a run of bad luck losing his job and home, got dumped by his girlfriend and ended up in a bad place. As a single guy with no health issues he was bottom of the priority for housing so was sleeping wherever he could find a hostel bed or on the street.

I asked if I could buy him some lunch from the supermarket across the road and if there was anything he’d prefer. Bought the meal deal and a large hot drink and gave them to him. He said one thing he missed was drinking from a decent mug as, most places either refused to let him in/serve him because he was homeless or, if they did sell him a coffee, it was in a paper cup. The next day I took him one of my old mugs from home and handed it over with a meal deal and hot drink. He was so touched as he said he never expected it and it would make such a difference to him. Just before I finished my jury service I also took him a thermal mug and some new thicker socks and thermal gloves.

Next time I went into the town, a couple
of months later, I looked for him but couldn’t see him; asked a couple of the other guys hanging around if they knew where he was and they said he had been given the chance of a semi permanent hostel space and so had got off the street in time for winter. I was so pleased to hear he’d got a second chance.

@Teaandtoast3 That is lovely, thank you for sharing.

Oh god. I’d be fucking mortified if someone just randomly decided to pay for my shopping for no apparent reason.

’saviour complex’. I’d be offended and caught off guard if someone paid for my shopping. I would wonder if I was giving out vibes that people look at me and feel sorry for me. Please don’t do it. My 78 year old mum would be paranoid if someone did it and think that people were looking down on her and she worry about it intensity.

it is being a busy body.

I have paid for the shopping of others a few times when you can quite clearly see that the person in front is on a very tight budget and buying absolute basic essentials. It is a tricky situation to intervene in and I certainly don't make some grandiose gesture or want to embarrass anyone but when someone is quite literally asking the check out person to remove items from the bill because they can't afford it I have quietly leaned in and offered to pay.

I think what a lot of you just don’t get is that even if somebody does need it, even if somebody is strapped for cash, even if somebody genuinely couldn’t afford the ice creams or whatever, noblesse oblige can be extremely uncomfortable and embarrassing to be on the receiving end of.

I know people will not want to hear this because they want that lovely glow, but in a lot of cases people really would prefer to just put their biscuits back and quietly go about their day.

Bestowing charity on others is a worthy thing to do but deciding others are to have that charity - whether they want it or not - has a lot of potential to go wrong.

All the people talking about paying for the meal of the people behind you in the queue (at a drive through window or whatever)- How does that work? When you don't know how much it will cost?
Is there a function to sort of "write a blank cheque" with your credit card? Of do you just pay the average cost of a meal, plus extra to make sure it covers it?

If you really want to help, I’d donate to a food bank or a charity like save the children.

I do a fair amount of kind things, but the one I witnessed from DH really made me smile, an old lady was in tesco looking at the marked down flowers, just as he was. I love flowers but really only want very cheap bunches.
She saw that some were reduced and couldn't believe the price so put them down. She came back, looked at the label again and said something about it being a mistake, so she would leave them.
DH purchased the flowers and found her with them.
It seemed to really make her day, I think they cost about £1.12!

When my son was a toddler, we were at the doctors and they were running late...almost an hour at this point.

I'd prepared with snacks and toys, and kept being fobbed off with "it'll only be a few more minutes" by the receptionists.

Toddler was obsessed with putting coins into the very large charity box (think it was shaped like postman pat!)

I quickly ran out of change, and was panicking...you know that rising panic when you just know your poor (ill) toddler is about to lose it?

Someone came over, I assumed to have a go at me, but they'd had a whip round of the waiting room for loose change to keep my toddler occupied. Everyone was smiling kindly, and told me not to worry.

That was, maybe 5 years ago? And I still well up a bit when I think about it.

Oh god. I’d be fucking mortified if someone just randomly decided to pay for my shopping for no apparent reason.

Yes, I think you have to be absolutely sure that the person is in need of, and will glad of, assistance.

Otherwise, it could just be the equivalent of offering your seat on the bus to a slightly overweight woman and asking her when it's due.

For those pp saying that it is extremely embarrassing or that you would feel uncomfortable or affronted or worried about how that person sees you, I think you are not representative of most people.

There are pp where people were grateful for the help they received. I look back on all the kindness ever shown to me and I know that it built me up, makes me stronger and has made me who I am. And I am forever grateful.

As for donating to a charity and leaving it up to them to help people in need, not all charities are trustworthy to do that. I have witnessed charities that are trustworthy and do help people and I have witnessed the complete opposite.

So, helping each other out is good for us all. It builds better communities.

There are some lovely pp where people have said how much it meant to them when a stranger helped them. It is inspirational.

Has absolutely nothing to do with a saviour complex (though there are people in the world who have that problem ). For most people it’s about genuinely caring, altruism, putting back into the world what they have gotten out of it (paying it forward), being a part of making the world a better place. And it’s lovely.

Also, something has to balance out all the hatred, corruption, bullying, trolling and self centredness in the world. Otherwise the world would be completely depressing.

Yay for nice people 🥳

All the people talking about paying for the meal of the people behind you in the queue (at a drive through window or whatever)- How does that work? When you don't know how much it will cost?
Is there a function to sort of "write a blank cheque" with your credit card? Of do you just pay the average cost of a meal, plus extra to make sure it covers it?

You have to time it carefully. You're at window 2, paying for yours, whilst the other person has just ordered at window 1. As soon as their order has been taken, the price to pay will go on to the system - and also be told to the customer - so the person at window 2 will be able to see it as well and, if they wish, can ask to pay for it. The other person gets to window 2, is told "Nothing left to pay, Madam/Sir - the person in front paid for it" and then goes to window 3 to collect their free meal.

You couldn't do it for the people behind in the queue who haven't yet reached the windows - unless, say, you handed over £100 to cover the next X number of orders until it's gone; but that would be a logistical nightmare for the staff member and they would not thank you for it!

However, I heard about another case where the payer wasn't quite as charitable. The man behind her had been harassing and abusing her all the time they'd been in the very, very long queue for the drive-in. When she got to the pay window, she told them that she wanted to pay for his as well, BUT, she took the receipt and then collected his order (that she'd paid for) at the next window - then gave him a cheery wave as he realised that he would have to drive around and join the back of the massive queue, to start all over again!

As for donating to a charity and leaving it up to them to help people in need, not all charities are trustworthy to do that. I have witnessed charities that are trustworthy and do help people and I have witnessed the complete opposite.

I agree with this. There's nothing inherently wrong with knowing you've helped a person directly, as long as you made sure that your gesture was appropriate and would be welcomed.

Charities have all their overheads to pay for - including all the expensive TV adverts - and you never know how much of your money will actually reach and benefit those in need. Plus, a lot of them have their own agendas and will sometimes spend their donations on (often political) causes that you most definitely do not support (one of several reasons why I stopped giving to Children In Need). If you pay for £20 of shopping for somebody in need, they get the whole £20 value, exactly as you intended.

“ I'd like to do this rather than donate as such.”

If it happens naturally, lovely, but there is sometimes a bit of a smug performance element going on, wanting to be identified as the giver. It’s not hard to send a £20 Tesco voucher into your local school and ask the school to give it to someone - they’ll have a long list of good recipients, unfortunately.

These stories are so inspiring and moving. giving to charities is obviously helpful, but imho it is individual random acts of kindness (not performative) that build such hope and faith in others. As PP said counterbalancing all the awful negativity we hear about constantly. I have been on the receiving end of so much kindness, but my DD’s stories from her travels are amazing. A total stranger (a young woman who was also volunteering in South America) lent DD (uni age) #100 when she lost her credit card and phone in the sea! She didn’t know anyone and the UK bank wouldn’t help her. Had no money, just enough to ring home. We were desperately worried as she had to fly on complicated journey to an island for more volunteering. Anyway this kind stranger with her act of random kindness stepping in was a complete angel as DD could get sorted and our whole family will never forget it. We sent her the money and extra for a meal out to say thank you, but she was an inspiration and my DD has paid it forward many times since.

We went car shopping in an area we were not familiar with and decided to go for lunch to discuss our options . Went to an independent cafe placed our order went to pay by card and was then told cash only . We left to go and find a cash point , another customer came to the door and said ' just paid for it no need to go cash point ' I said we would still go to get her the money obviously she point blank refused . We were so surprised

I really don’t want the person in front to pay for my order. If I couldn’t afford it I wouldn’t be there and it certainly wouldn’t give me the warm fuzzies

Totally with you on this. If I didn't bring out enough cash or whatever then I would just want everyone to do the decent thing and pretend they are not taking a slightest bit of notice. The kindest thing you can all do is mind your own business - seriously. I don't mean that in a mean way, but the humiliation of someone paving their way to heaven on the back of me being a bit dim and not brining my purse out with me would make me really mad.

I have paid for a young womans petrol, it was during petrol shortage and people were filling their cars to the brim when they could. Very busy Tesco Express and she had put in £9.24 worth of petrol and her card declined, I guess maybe she meant to put in £9 but it went over? The assistant was not helpful and merely shouted the full length of the store and huge queue (as everyone filling up as they had petrol available) "card declined". The poor woman was stood there just not knowing what to do, it was so busy, so awful for her.

I stepped forward and just said, I'll cover that and tapped my card. She was tearful and thankful.

I just said one day you can do the same.

About 20 years ago, I was behind an African woman at the checkout, in ASDA. She was paying with some sort of vouchers and I assumed that she was a refugee. She had a baby, a toddler and a boy of about 5. After her shopping rang through, she started to put stuff back.

All the food was the cheapest value stuff. She seemed to be on the verge of tears and was going to put a pack of nappies back and I offered her ten Pounds, which she accepted. She said she didn't know if she could pay me back and I told her not to worry.

After I paid for my stuff, the woman on the checkout sneered, "Are you gonna pay for my fucking shopping?"

Person 1: She said she didn't know if she could pay me back and I told her not to worry.

Person 2: After I paid for my stuff, the woman on the checkout sneered, "Are you gonna pay for my fucking shopping?"

Hmmmmmm, now let me think for a moment: which of those two people would I be more inclined to give a helping hand to??

Once, there was a lady in front of me at the checkout, with a near adult Downs Syndrome lad. Her shopping was put through and then she had to decide what to put back presumably because her card wouldn't meet the full cost. She walked away leaving the stuff she couldn't afford so I got the checkout operator to put it through and bag it, then another assistant ran after her.

Oh you would really annoy me if you bought my DC a magazine after I'd already told them it was too expensive! That's undermining a parent who is teaching their child they can't always have everything they want. And a balloon would seriously piss me off!

I am financially comfortable but certainly told my DC 'no not today, it's too expensive' at times.