To Pay for a Strangers Shopping?

[NameChangeAgainandAgainandAgain]

I've name changed for this ...

There's a truly lovely thread on Chat called "What is the most memorable moment you shared with a stranger who you never saw again?".

There are many stories about the kindness of complete strangers and what a difference they have made to their life.

Some stories are incredibly moving and talk about how strangers have helped out when, for instance, a loved one has died.

Other stories talk about how a stranger has helped when things have been tough financially.

I know times are hard and reading all the posts has made me think that I'd like to, perhaps, pay for someone's basket of shopping in the supermarket, their petrol or buy someone a coffee etc.

Having read the impact this sort of thing has had on people, and how they remember it so many years on, I'd like to do this rather than donate as such.

How do you do this without being condescending or insulting? And how do you know who to do it to?

I wouldn't want any thanks as I'd probably run off quickly as I'd be embarrassed!

The woman unhappy at being given flowers was being filmed so quite different.

If you feel awkward say you’re paying it forward.

I was once in the local coop, picked some things we needed, let my daughter choose a couple of treats. Got to the till and realised I didn’t have my bank card - DH had it at home as I’d given it to him to pay for the previous night’s takeaway. No cash. My daughter was so disappointed when I said we had to leave everything and why. The man behind me offered to pay and I was so grateful. I paid him back there and then with online banking but I was so grateful to him for stepping in to help.

It’s still a public place, @DonnaBanana .

I am honestly not trying to be unnecessarily argumentative here, but can people really not see that in the midst of a restaurant or cafe or shop, potentially with people who know you or know of you, someone deciding you are worthy of a charitable act, could be both unwanted and embarrassing?

Someone gets on the bus and discovers they’ve left their purse at home, yes, randomly seeming someone the recipient of charity - especially if you refuse to take no for an answer - no!

Are you seeking recognition? I’m not criticising that aim, just asking. If you don’t necessarily want to be seen doing a nice thing but still want to do one, you can donate money to many many deserving charities…..if you want to specifically feed people, donate to your local food bank.

Ask them first!

@Getinajollymood No, you have a good point too. I think it has to be done with discretion. Otherwise it’s just grandstanding. That said I think doing it for social media clout is even less suitable.

I don’t really want recognition but it does feel very different giving a few quid to a charity versus putting something into someone’s hand. It feels more like you’re doing something as you can see it there and then, even if I were wearing a mask and totally anonymous.

Yeah see that's bang out of order. You said no and she didn't respect that. It was all about herself.

I do get that @DonnaBanana and please don’t think I am having a go here but that’s the point: it’s about you, not them. (You meant generally not to you personally!)

Even without being filmed I'd not be happy with a random stranger buying me flowers in public. What is their expectation? That I'd be grateful- how am I expected to "perform" in that moment.

I think there is nothing wrong with doing it quietly. Filming it and putting it on YouTube or tiktok is wrong

Not saying anyone one on here would

I agree with this. I would personally not be happy if someone bought my kids stuff. We can afford the stuff but can't be buying new toys and sweets every time we go to the shops for lots of reasons. In any chance we often take a small treat with us (like a chocolate coin) to avoid having to buy them something!

Agree with pps that it's tricky to make sure you don't offent accidentally when chipping in with someone's shopping.

It's only happened to me a couple of times in decades of supermarket shopping that the person in front of me was a couple of quid/euro short and I could chip in. It's a real mood brightener to do that, lucky for me as much as the other person.

But it's got to happen unforced, otherwise better just give to a charity.

I think this is an amazing thing to do, I’m definitely not in a position to do it currently and am using the local foodbank/community fridge due to a long month and being paid early before Christmas, however when I am in a better position I will definitely do this for someone, as I know how much I would appreciate it.

'I am honestly not trying to be unnecessarily argumentative here, but can people really not see that in the midst of a restaurant or cafe or shop, potentially with people who know you or know of you, someone deciding you are worthy of a charitable act, could be both unwanted and embarrassing?'

only if you're a cynical person too self conscious to interact with other people.
I've never been embarrassed about being helped, or helping someone because you judge each situation at the time.
So sitting on a computer saying that's awful, you'll 'embarrass' people, really isn't relevant.

I also think this stuff if cultural, I'm from a country known for it's open, friendly people and strangers interact and chat much more than here in England nd without any notion of that being 'embarrassing'.

Pfft. I'm happy if I can help give someone else a warm, fuzzy glow. I think the world would be a better place with more glow 🌟

I love this thread. And those of you with lovely stories ..... don't stop. You're not being self-congratulatory; you're making a kinder world. Go you 😘

I wouldn't do it, OP. I once went to Sainsbury's in my gardening gear after a hard afternoon's work chopping back hedges: must have looked a right state. I queued behind a professional-looking woman, beautifully groomed, and she hung around at the end of the till while I bagged up my few bits and then leant in and offered her Sainsbury's card as I got out my purse to pay and said: 'Please, let me, I've got a ridiculous amount of points on my card, I'd like to pay for your shopping.' I was taken so much by surprise that it took me a few seconds to process what she was suggesting, and before I could say 'Thanks but no thanks' she'd paid for me, given me a big smile and was off.

I was at that time, in around 2005, earning around £50k and owned my own mortgage-free home. I ended up putting the £40 I should have paid for my shopping in a charity box. You can't tell just from looking at people who needs the money and who doesn't. My partner and I are comfortably off and yet you would never know from looking at us. We wear old clothes, we have home haircuts, we drive dull 7-year-old cars. We just don't do conspicuous consumption.

I've had my shopping paid for by a stranger who heard me when I was looking at the reduced stuff and decided to leave some bits in case someone else needed them. I was brassic at the time. I paid it forward, paying for someone's prescription when their card was declined. Doing small things can make a huge difference to someone. It did to me.

I went for a cup of tea and slice of cake in a cafe one morning. Two older ladies came in separately, for the same. When I paid I asked the girl to add theirs to my bill and said if they asked to tell them it was just a gift from someone who wanted to spread a little happiness.

I once also gave a local florist payment for an arrangement and told her to choose someone in the community that she felt deserved the treat. She matched what I had donated and sent the flowers to someone who had been having a really difficult time. I saw on social media that it was very well received and to this day the only person who knows it was me is the florist.

❤️

OP

You could donate some money to SVP St. Vincent de Paul at any Catholic Church and mark what it is for. I paid for a boy’s new shoes for school once when he was starting back in September. It was lovely to see him in a pair of shiny, new boots and I had a little smile to myself.

I gave a cashier in a Spar some money for ice cream on a very hot day in 2020 for some boys. Four had chosen an ice cream when a fifth arrived so they put them back and we’re going to buy sweets because the fifth boy had no money.
They were so pleased to find that they could have their ice creams and thank me before I got to the door. They were so surprised.

Most supermarkets have somewhere to leave donations for food banks. Why would people choose a random person who may or may not be in need rather that just contribute to the food bank. I think it's because some people want the warm fuzzy feeling of interacting with the person they are giving the money to. That's a bit off to me.

It's different if you want to help someone who has forgotten their purse or who is genuinely in need but the 'random' things are questionable.

Most supermarkets have somewhere to leave donations for food banks. Why would people choose a random person who may or may not be in need rather that just contribute to the food bank. I think it's because some people want the warm fuzzy feeling of interacting with the person they are giving the money to. That's a bit off to me.

It's different if you want to help someone who has forgotten their purse or who is genuinely in need but the 'random' things are questionable.

Most supermarkets have somewhere to leave donations for food banks. Why would people choose a random person who may or may not be in need rather that just contribute to the food bank. I think it's because some people want the warm fuzzy feeling of interacting with the person they are giving the money to. That's a bit off to me.

It's different if you want to help someone who has forgotten their purse or who is genuinely in need but the 'random' things are questionable.

Be warned though there are some Cf’s out there, my friend’s DH thought he would try and make an elderly person’s day in Tesco. He Looked at the belt in front, calculated that it was roughly £75 of shopping. Said to the checkout lady ‘I’d like to pay for this person’s shopping’ the elderly person looked surprised, didn’t really say thank you and then when asked ‘any cash back?’ Said ‘yes, £100 please’ 😂

I'm not convinced that she is necessarily a CF, though. Was there any indication that she was struggling for money or was it just the (potentially patronising) idea that old people are poor? Some pensioners are very wealthy ("Yes, there was this elderly man with a Scouse accent and the remnants of a mop top buying some vegan sausages - I paid for him, as I know how difficult it is for pensioners"); and even if she was just of average means, she quite possibly had budgeted and might have been offended by the insistence.

If she had been planning on getting cashback (although I thought the limit was £50 - has that changed?) - maybe she doesn't have a cash machine near her - why should she go without getting the cash she needed and planned to get, just because somebody decided she was a charity case and paid for her shopping? She might even have thought it was a scam, could have been fearful that this 'kind' man was going to accost her in the car park and demand her bank details or 'favours' as repayment or something.

I also agree with it being really undermining of parents to buy their kids treats. Maybe it's not the very best parenting, but a lot of parents will tell their kids that they don't have enough money to buy what they consider another excessive treat; if you just say "No, I'm not buying it for you - you've had enough", that can lead to endless pestering and pleading, but if you tell them "I CAN'T buy it for you", they might accept it and quit their relentless campaign.

As PP said, children will often demand something that they like the idea of, but the parents know they'll never actually eat it, so it will just be a huge waste of money, even if they have it available.

I think it's definitely important to react subtly to a need when it clearly arises and not just come over all Charlie Big Potatoes, regardless of whether your intervention will be needed/appreciated or not. It's usually obvious when somebody has fear in their eyes and is about to put their shopping back, and you can discreetly show them kindness - "Oh, these stupid card machines are so rubbish and temperamental, they just randomly refuse cards for no reason at all; here, let's see if it will deign to accept this one" - as opposed to just swooping in and seeking your charity target of the day to make you feel better or give you something to brag about on SM.