To still be furious with DH for going to lapdancing club 7 weeks after our DD was born?

[Haircut100YearsAgo]

This is my first post on here, so please be kind to me!

My DH travels all over the world for work. Don't have a problem with this at all, but just 8 weeks after I had given birth to our DD I caught him out at a lapdancing club in Moscow. The silly sod had accidently pressed redial on his 'Crackberry' whilst he was in said club and I innocently answered the phone thinking he had called to say goodnight. First of all the only thing I could hear was heavy Eurotrash music, and I thought -- the bastard, he goes on about how knackered he is and he's out at a nightclub whilst I am up for most of the night with our DD! Then it became apparent where he was. Some of his Russian colleagues had obviously got themselves hooked up with women and my DH and a fellow Brit were left talking.

I could hear my DH desperately trying to get money changed so that he could get a private one-on-one. As I am typing this, it is bringing it all back & I am still soooo bloody mad at him. He eventually cut me off, but I am pretty sure nothing else happened. Part of me thinks, well that's the Russian way of doing things. Pretty disrepectful of my DH to me, etc., but no real harm done. The other part of me thinks I really can't trust him (one thing I have always done until now is to trust him implicitly). This happened about 3 months ago.

Is it the timing that bothers you or the fact he went at all?
(My dh has worked a lot in Russia and is hassled for sex constantly.Or so he tells me!)

Both really. I couldn't have felt much worse about myself physically -- post-baby tummy, covered in baby sick & poo all the time (or so it felt like), knackered beyond belief, etc. etc., we all know what it feels like with a n/b in the house! I have a pretty good idea what the girls are like over there (sexy, beautiful, nothing like I felt) and that he would probably be hassled. I think it's about hearing stuff you really, really don't ever want to hear. I never wanted to hear him talk to other women like that (whatever they do for a living). Just horrible. I guess he probably thought what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me and I would never find out.

What was his explanation when you asked him?

My DH went to Russia with work a while back and was telling me how all the women wore short skirts and were attractive looking.
Which I did'nt really need to know but at least he was being honest I suspose.
Not sure if he went to any clubs though or got propositioned.

Hmm,it's tough.
Would take nerves of steel to turn down a (paid?) evening looking at gorgeous women,whatever your moral convictions.

Have you never done anything you didn't want him to know about though?

I know how you feel,as you are stuck at home with your mind working overtime,I am exactly the same.

My DH rings me from a nice restaurant and tells me what he has had for dinner that night and is now going to the bar and I am sat here after just referring the children in my old pjs pulling my hair out.

Can't help but feel resentful.

Does he go away often?

When he eventually got home and spoke to me (after he found out I knew he went into hiding for a few hours, which pissed me off even more, the coward), he apologised like mad, said he was devasted to have hurt me, cried (in 9 years together, the first time I have ever seen him cry). Said it was the Russian way of doing things (which I kind of know anyway). Thing is, I am finding it difficult to get the image of him with these women out of my head. It's not something that I think about all the time, and many days can go by without me thinking about it at all. BUT when I do think about it I still feel very hurt.

I guess I have always (naively?) thought of us having a very special relationship. I have always thought that if I was locked in a room with George Clooney, or whoever, and DH would never find out, I still wouldn't do anything (get me, thinking Georgie boy would be interested!!). I suppose I expected the same from DH, and have had my illusions shattered.

I would be PISSED off at Dp, but also know that he is the type of bloke to 'go with the flow' and follow them into these types of places ( am I sounding gullible?)- But I trust him implicitly to be the sad pisshead in the corner dribbling into his own drink.

have you told him that you heard his conversation?

sorry xpposts

Him crying tells you a lot.
Russian men are vile drunken sexist knobs (I know,I've spent a few years there myself)and while it is no excuse,when doing business with these people it would be hard to say no.

Culteredpearl - exactly! Yep, he's away at the moment. He goes away most weeks anything from one to 3 or 4 nights. Before DD was born, we did talk about the differences we were going to have in our lifestyles and we were probably both going to resent the other sometimes.

Oh sorry,missed the bit about a one on one.
Hmmm.
Bit silly really but a heinous crime??
No.

It's not as if the woman really would want him or anything.He just represented $$$$$$

He wouldn't have shagged her though,surely?
Just been a twat and paid a fortune to have someone shake their arse in his face.

Did he say whether he would have told you about it had you not overheard him on the phone?

My DH wrent on and on about these russian women and how jealous I would be at all the designer stores opening up everywhere and the women walking round like they have stepped off a catwalk!!!!!

That's the thing, I just don't know whether or not he would've shagged her. From what I understand, the Russian clubs can be more like brothels anyway. And Dittany it is definitely about what he wanted, not about the woman wanting him.

I highly doubt that he would have shagged one of these women.

He didn't say Culturedpearl, my guess is that he wouldn't have said a word. My guess is that he would've spoken to me the next day saying what a rough night's sleep he'd had (hotel room too hot, cold, whatever) and gullible me would've sympathised with him even though at that time I was lucky to be getting even an hour's straight sleep.

Dittany, tbh, I am finding it really difficult accepting what he did. I am 100% with you that it is completely disgusting and disrepectful.

i think as your life partner he knows your views on having naked ladies grind his crotch for fun.

therefore as the psot below, it is safe to say that he is being disrespectful and a general shit.

I would be absolutely FURIOUS!

I feel for you SO much. the nasty, shitty, selfish, horrible man. ( at the time, i'm not suggesting he is in general)

YANBU!!! AT ALL!!!

"Its the Russian way of doing things" My arse! Well, I'd say to him, its NOT the BRITISH way of doing things FFS!!

So, he gets propositioned, he says, no thank you and smiles. SIMPLE! Dont blame it on the culture. its not HIS culture.

He cried because he knew how much he Fucked up! you are being far too forgiving. If it has upset and hurt you this much, and I understand why. It is continuing to do so, you are not able to just let it go, and I can also understand why too! Its a shit thing to do at ANY time, but just after you have had your daughter, and are feeling so shit about yourself. Believe me, I know how insecure it makes one feel postnatally. ( erm... i still am and i'm 13 months on! )

Sorry if i'm sounding harsh, I'm just really angry for you. Dont let him just think its all fine now. He needs to know just how much damage he's done to you. you deserve so much better than that, ESPECIALLY when you are at home, looking after your daughter.

My DH works away every week mon-fri. I KNOW how hard it is. It is hard enough being apart, without adding into it more insecurity and mis trust. When your DH works away SO much, you simply HAVE to trust them.

You HAVE to as you wold go mad otherwise. He has selfishly taken that away from you and left you with a huge insecurity. Its just not fair. I hold onto how much I love my DH, and miss him every day he's away. What keeps me going is our love, and respect and trust. I cannot let myself even begin to think he might be up to anything. I have on a few occasions, let my mind run away with me and for absolutely NO reason at all. He's never done anything to make me think otherwise, but it still happens, the what ifs and maybes creep in, for no reason at all.
You DH has now put that thought as a big possibility in your mind. its just a really really awful and damaging thing to do.

i dont know what to suggest other than that you make sure he knows what damage he's really done. So sorry for you, I really am.

What gets to me too is that he has just had a DAUGHTER! Surely this should give him some perspective that these women are someones daughter as well and yet they find themselves in the unsavoury position of having to objectify themselves like this and he is in a position as a 'powerful' man with money to take advantage of them. How would he feel if some man thought it was reasonable to do this to his daughter in time to come. Surely one of the things he could do about it is at least have a clear conscience and create some good karma. My DH knows that if I ever caught him out going to one of these places that it would be curtains for him. He tells me whenever one of his mates suggests going to these places and he gets how disrespectful it is and how offended I am that these places even exist.

That is disgusting. I completely agree with Susie, 'Its the russian way of doing things' is not a suitable enough answer. He could be paying for her drug addiction as many women doing things like that have drug or drink problems.