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AIBU?

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Original poster

Eating meat, veggie dp does not know

160 replies

Spicysashimi · 11/01/2023 13:34

My dp is veggie and early on I also did the same as it’s a big thing for him. I still sometimes eat good meat at meals out but obviously don’t tell him. My sister knows but no-one else. I’m starting to feel quite guilty about it, how wrong actually is it?!

OP posts:
VioletaDelValle · 11/01/2023 13:47

And I say that as a lifelong vegetarian.

Season0fTheWitch · 11/01/2023 13:48

If his love is conditional like that, you shouldn't be with him. Either you tell him you're not a vegetarian and break up or you carry on and know your love isn't healthy.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 11/01/2023 13:48

What’s also wrong is that you feel that you need to lie. You’re an adult, eat what and when you want. Don’t be waving chicken drumsticks in his face, but make your own decisions. If he doesn’t like it , that’s his problem. Don’t let his choices, and by default him, control your life.

Blahburst · 11/01/2023 13:48

You’ve to either keep it a secret or risk telling him. The risk is not that he will break up with you though. The risk is that you’ve married someone whose beliefs around diet are so extreme that they supersede your relationship. If that’s the case you should be leaving him, not the other way around. Your third option is allow yourself to be controlled and go back to being vegetarian.

MaverickGooseGoose · 11/01/2023 13:49

Spicysashimi · 11/01/2023 13:42

He’ll break up with me if I eat meat

What if you have kids, will he dictate what they eat?

Eat what you like but it is wrong to hide it.

AffIt · 11/01/2023 13:49

Believ · 11/01/2023 13:45

The problem is him not you

No, I don't think it's as simple as that.

Some (most) people have firm 'lines in the sand' of behaviours they're prepared to tolerate or not: many people won't date smokers, for example, and for me, drug-taking of any kind is a hard no.

The OP's boyfriend clearly doesn't believe in eating meat, so that's his hard line. The OP would prefer to eat meat, so from that point of view, I'd say they're just not compatible.

ScramblePud · 11/01/2023 13:49

Spicysashimi · 11/01/2023 13:42

He’ll break up with me if I eat meat

This is why it's wrong.

You're lying to your partner because you know your behaviour is a dealbreaker for him. The fact you're entitled to eat meat isn't relevant.

I have various dealbreakers in a relationship - if my DP lied to me about those dealbreakers to trick me into staying in a relationship then I'd be furious. It's wholly unacceptable. Plenty of women on here have that attitude to, for example, watching porn. If a man knew it were a dealbreaker, pretended not to do it and did it anyway and lied about it - she'd have every right to feel cheated and hurt. I would never date a smoker, it's my personal choice, if DP lied about it and smoked whilst claiming not to be a smoker then I'd be furious (although I'd obviously notice). People have their own boundaries and are entitled to know the truth when deciding who to commit to - whether it's smoking, gambling, drinking, eating meat, taking out debt, watching porn etc. Your DP cannot stop you doing these things but they can choose they don't want to be with you if you do do these things and they're entitled to know the truth.

The issue isn't that you're eating meat, it's that you're lying to him because you don't want him to be able to make an honest assessment of whether he wants to be with you. He doesn't want to be with you - he wants to be with who you're pretending to be.

SummaLuvin · 11/01/2023 13:49

Spicysashimi · 11/01/2023 13:42

He’ll break up with me if I eat meat

I personally find this weird and over the top and extreme, but everyone has moral boundaries that are uncrossable (e.g. I know people who wouldn't date a tory). It sounds like OP has always been aware this is a hard line for him, so the wilful misleading of him puts her in the wrong imo. Also the username sounds like she is a fan of fish too..

RoseslnTheHospital · 11/01/2023 13:49

I'm a long term vegetarian of 30 years plus, and I agree that your boyfriend is being ridiculous to insist that you are vegetarian in order to be in a relationship with him. The fact that you've hidden the fact you're eating meat for so long is just a demonstration of how controlling he's being.

You need to have that conversation as this level of secrecy and controlling isn't the basis for a solid relationship.

Brefugee · 11/01/2023 13:49

It's a pretty big thing for him, then. So it depends. Do you say "I'm vegetarian"? or do you answer a direct question with "no, i don't eat meat"? Or if he says, when you've been out "sounds great, what did you eat?" are you lying in those answers?
Deflecting?
or are you lying by omission?

Pretty shady, tbh. Be truthful if you can handle the consequences of him wanting to break up with you, you know what his red line is.

Or stop eating meat.

Pennyforthezombies · 11/01/2023 13:50

Spicysashimi · 11/01/2023 13:42

He’ll break up with me if I eat meat

Do you really want to be with someone that would do that? He sound great!

malificent7 · 11/01/2023 13:50

He sounds like one of " those" vegetarians. I went out with one of "those" vegans once...it didn't end well. I got an eating disorder. We weren't compatible. Are you sure you are compatible?

Dp is veggie but i eat some meat. He's cool with it. Either he accepts you or he dosn't. Do NOT feel guilty.

Ffsmakeitstop · 11/01/2023 13:51

Tell him to not let the door hit his arse on the way out. How dare he try to control what you eat. If he's serious about dumping you I'd be tempted to eat a big fat juicy burger in front of him. What a twat.

NeonEyes · 11/01/2023 13:51

I would have an issue with the lying. If he only wants to date vegetarians, he should have that choice. I’m vegan, my partner isn’t but he dies t each many animal products now. To be honest, if I was dating now, I would only date vegans. Extreme to some, but everyone can not date someone for any reason they want.

NeonEyes · 11/01/2023 13:52

*doesn’t

Believ · 11/01/2023 13:53

AffIt · 11/01/2023 13:49

No, I don't think it's as simple as that.

Some (most) people have firm 'lines in the sand' of behaviours they're prepared to tolerate or not: many people won't date smokers, for example, and for me, drug-taking of any kind is a hard no.

The OP's boyfriend clearly doesn't believe in eating meat, so that's his hard line. The OP would prefer to eat meat, so from that point of view, I'd say they're just not compatible.

Show quote history

It really is that simple. Someone believing in eating meat or not is very different to someone doing something illegal like taking drugs. Its not a like for like comparison.

I was vegetarian for 20+ years and couldn't care less what anyone else done. It's up to them. Just like being vegetarian was up to me.

Tinkerbyebye · 11/01/2023 13:55

he has chosen to be veggie, you are choosing to be mainly veggie, as an adult it’s your choice

up to you if you tell him it not

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 11/01/2023 13:56

Spicysashimi · 11/01/2023 13:42

He’ll break up with me if I eat meat

Then he isn't the man for you!

RunnerBum · 11/01/2023 13:56

Against the grain but I think OP is the one being controlling. She's lying to him to get him to do something he wouldn't willingly do. She knows he wouldn't willingly date someone who eats meat so she's lying so that he has to do that - simply because she wants him to. He's not trying to control her at all, he's said she can eat meat...but he'll leave, which is his right. He wouldn't have dated her in the first place if she weren't vegetarian so it's not like he's changing the expectation - he was very upfront about his boundaries and OP has violated them.

I don't agree that eating meat/being vegetarian is a dealbreaker but it's his decision to make. I wouldn't date someone who didn't play rugby, I like rugby players. If a guy pretended to play rugby and lied about playing rugby to get me into a relationship then I'd feel like their behaviour was wrong.

Tinkerbyebye · 11/01/2023 13:57

Spicysashimi · 11/01/2023 13:42

He’ll break up with me if I eat meat

Then you choose if you tell him it not, but personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who is so controlling and inflexible

Brefugee · 11/01/2023 13:57

I was vegetarian for 20+ years and couldn't care less what anyone else done. It's up to them. Just like being vegetarian was up to me.

but it is up to everyone to have some red lines. We are allowed our own boundaries, and even if everyone thinks they're batshit, that is still our own decision to make.

He would be controlling if he became vegetarian after they started their relationship and expects OP to fall into line, but she didn't say that was the case. This is one of those deeply held beliefs that some people have. Never dating a Tory is one. Not dating someone outside your race or religion is another. The decision itself may not be correct, but OP's BF has been open about this, and she is lying to him.

Having an affair is lying and leads to the chorus of "LTB he's a liar." That is a natural extension of OP's BF's argument.

Beamur · 11/01/2023 13:57

You are entitled to make your own choices around food.
As is your partner.
However, you concealing your preference to eat meat occasionally from him because he will break up with you is a problem.
It's a tricky one because it goes deeper than a preference - there will be significant reasons for his views and it sounds like he cannot be in a close relationship with someone who doesn't share those views and opinions.
You have to resolve this before you have children or get married. But your relationship may not survive if you are fundamentally incompatible in this way.
A friend of mine (vegetarian) has been in a very long relationship (20+ years) with her partner (omnivore) and they do not and will not live together because of their dietary differences. They accept each other has a different view but the vegetarian will not live in a house where meat is stored, cooked or eaten.

AdoraBell · 11/01/2023 13:58

It’s only wrong to hide it from him. You are an adult and you can choose what the eat. End of.

ScramblePud · 11/01/2023 14:01

Believ · 11/01/2023 13:53

It really is that simple. Someone believing in eating meat or not is very different to someone doing something illegal like taking drugs. Its not a like for like comparison.

I was vegetarian for 20+ years and couldn't care less what anyone else done. It's up to them. Just like being vegetarian was up to me.

Show quote history

Is there really nothing (that's legal) that your DP could do to mean you wouldn't want to be with them? You really have no boundaries on who you date? People have all manner of different restrictions on who they want to date: drinking, gambling, smoking, wearing fur, eating meat, repeatedly quitting jobs, owning a dog, having children, being unable to drive... Whether or not someone eating meat is an issue for you personally isn't really relevant to the OP. The person in the OP has set out a clear boundary for them that is non-negotiable. OP is lying to them to circumvent their boundaries and to trick them into a relationship with someone that they don't want to be with. Consider it from the perspective of one of your non-negotiable boundaries and it's pretty obvious that OP is BU.

Survey99 · 11/01/2023 14:02

Spicysashimi · 11/01/2023 13:42

He’ll break up with me if I eat meat

If you had children in the future will he disown them too if they have a McDs with their friends? If he finds out you have been lying will he dump you?

Honestly? He is being a controlling veggie weirdo, stand up for yourself. It is not unreasonable to choose to eat meat when out or even have meat for just yourself at home. If he dumps you for it then you've missed a bullet.