What was your "this is over" moment in your marriage

[MadScottishBurd]

Just what the title says, really.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie. However, I cant stop tinking about something he said to me, and at that moment, I knew it was it, that I wanted more.

During the really bad weather before Christmas - snow, sleat, wind, heavy rain.. I had a meeting at 9am at my work. I was 20 minutes late for work (not a huge amount of time but still!). My work didnt know where I was and tried calling me to see if I was alright, as the person I was meeting with was waiting for me to arrive. They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband. They had told him that it was a mistake calling him as they were trying to call me as I hadnt turned up for work.

I then arrived, started my meeting asap, and was told about this call to my husband later on, which I totally forgot about until I went home that evening.

When I was home, and after we had our dinner and was watching TV, it popped in my head.. I asked "my work said they called you today, why havent you said anything"
him: "oh, I forgot about that, something about you didnt turn up"
me: "yeah, but why didn't you try contacting me to make sure I was alright, I could have been in an accident"
him "I was busy at work, they were going to contact you"
me "I know, but werent you concerned? What if I had been in an accident, wouldnt you feel guilty??"
him: "I'm sure the police would have contacted me, had you been in an accident".

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

What was your eureka moment?

x

He looked up at me and grinned.

He thought that I had spent my last tenner bought pasta, cheese, soup, bread, butter and bacon to feed all of us until my next pay cheque had come in. Not a huge amount of stuff, but enough for us and two children for several meals and, although I hadn't mentioned it at that point, I was about to say that I'd got an emergency tenner stashed so we could get the kids some more cereal as it looked as though they'd been extra hungry, seeing as the box was practically empty and over 3pts of milk had gone since I'd looked in the fridge the night before.

He was grinning at me through a thick film of grease and tomato soup over his face and hands, a dirty serving bowl that had clearly contained all the cereal and milk behind his feet & under the sofa. He had taken the entire 500g bag of pasta, boiled it to death and then added 350g of cheese (the remaining 100g had been bitten in half and left in the fridge with saliva and teethmarks on it), two tins of tomato soup, all of the bacon and seven slices of bread with a deep pool of butter over the bread and into the 'macaroni cheese' pasta thing he had filled a fruit bowl with. Literally every scrap of food I'd bought, he'd decided to eat in one slurping, fat filled slurry. And he thought I'd go 'Aww, aren't you funny and cute, eating a week's worth of breakfast, lunch and dinner for four people at once at 11.15am?'.

He wasn't horrific-looking per se, but at that moment, he looked like a fucking troll and I felt like I was about to vomit at the thought of that thing in my home.

Took longer to get rid of him because he had the clinging powers of a hookworm, never mind a leech, but in that one instant, I went from rolling my eyes at him being a knob to pure, unadulterated, revulsion.

The grass isnt greener.. omg I didnt end the relationship because of that one incident!! It was an eureka moment, i.e a moment of clarification... one would assume that more had happened before?!

I went to hold his Hand in public and he shrugged me off like I disgusted him.

He left 6 months later

He wasn't horrific-looking per se, but at that moment, he looked like a fucking troll and I felt like I was about to vomit at the thought of that thing in my home.

That lined really made laugh out loud.

How awful though.. all that food

Precisely this.

The thing is, this post was about my eureka moment... not if you agree or disagree. Because it was MY moment. It was a build up of lots of little things. As for disagreeing with the other examples, again, when did I ask for opinion on those... I think its absolutely nuts that I am being called high maintenance. Surely checking in with your partner once their work had called is such a basic thing. And for the posters asking why I didnt contact him.. I was in a meeting first thing, I wasnt told straight away and I was busy with work.. I did check my phone and saw no messages, which I thought was strange but why should that have prompted me to text someone who clearly didnt want to see how I was?? Then I totally forgot about it until that evening.

Exactly.

The last straw is, by definition, something trivial. That's the whole point of the saying. Meaning

It's the lightbulb moment when you see things from another perspective. The situation hasn't changed but your perception of it has.

My moment was when ex pulled our DD's hair. Up to that point, I'd stupidly thought I was protecting our DC from him. But I realised I'd been deluding myself, and then promptly got us away from him.

He died a couple of years ago. He'd be rolling in his grave if he knew we're back living in his house that the kids inherited.

Name changed as I post a lot on the education board.

As a husband, if my wife's work called and said she hadn't turned up, I'd shit myself and call her and keep calling until she picked up. I'd be thinking of calling the police by 10am if I still couldn't get anything. It's what you'd do for your best friend and to me , we're best mates.

I think we all get the "this is over moment", every so often and it goes away. In my marriage we've both had this moment , but turned away from the brink because we both thought it was worth fighting for.

Fundamentally you have to believe that person loves you more than anyting and its mutual. As soon as that's gone, I can't see how you can come back.

For a very old friend of mine the "this is over" moment came after her mum started a craft class in the local community centre. Over the weeks her mum was working on a craft and was very pleased with herself as it was totally outside of her comfort zone. Anyway my friends then (now ex) husband laughed at his mother in laws work when it arrived home and had been very sneery about the community centre class in general. It was the straw that broke the camels back as my friend joe clearly saw him as a total moron who thought he was above everyone despite have no major talents or qualifications himself. She really had a who the fuck does he think he is moment after putting up with him snd his notions for years.

Oh ffs don't try and pretend you're so normal and the OP is so over the top.

If you are inviting opinions, mine is that you have a weird lack of empathy and compassion. Saying you would never have married the husband helps the OP how? It's either giving you a dopamine hit for being oh so superior or just kicking the boot in. Neither are an attractive look.

But you're right about your MN name. Except it's nothing to preen yourself about, even though you clearly think it makes you a better person.

YANBU OP. It's death by a thousand cuts.

For me. It was 2020. DH lost his job due to covid. He did have another offer lined up but it kept getting pushed back.

Lots of little things happened that made me realise how selfish he was. I was working from home and he'd ask me stop, to look after the kids so he could make dinner. I went out for a run one morning and he rang me to say I needed to come home because he supposedly had something important to do that he hadn't told me about before. He used our then 5yo DS as a pawn in an argument with me. I went out to get the flu jab and he was all huffy when I got back because he had been left with the kids for a whole 45 minutes. We couldn't afford kids shoes for the new term in September so my mum kindly stepped in then I found out DH had bought himself an expensive dvd player for the car.

But the FINAL nail in the coffin was when he moaned at me for using cheese in the fridge for our then 2yo's packed lunch for preschool. Apparently he had got the cheese for himself only and I wasn't to use it for the children. So despite the fact I was paying for absolutely everything, we weren't allowed to use "his" cheese.

It was only then, after he left, that it finally dawned on me that even when he was working, he only ever supported himself, and it was up to me to buy everything for the children, despite us earning similar amounts.

So, there you go OP. We split up over cheese.

ffs. at no point did the OP ask for anyone's opinion on whether her Eureka moment that her marriage was over was valid or not. What on earth made any of you think that was appropriate at any point.. she doesn't need your approval or permission on if its reason enough.

She asked what made other people have that moment about their own marriage.

Honestly. @MadScottishBurd i'm so sorry you're being bullied by people who don't understand the point of your thread and seem determined to stick the boot in.

Your moment is entirely valid, and i hope you find peace and happiness in future without him.

I’ve a lack of empathy? Re-read your own highly aggressive and personally insulting post. I’m not pretending anything? Why would I? The OP, as many other posters have also said, started out by saying her husband was great and gave a really innocuous example as the reason she ended her marriage. She then told a totally different story. Maybe you picked the wrong week to give up smoking.

I wonder what would have happened if you’d texted after lunch “hi this is x from her work, can you please call urgently.”

I wonder if he would have shat his pants!
does he know how you feel about it?

I didnt realise my eureka moment would cause such divide.. its a little weird that people are getting nasty about it, though... are you related to / know (soon to be ex) hubby?!

i'm beginning to wonder if the forum has been invaded by a bunch of trolls again because of the article about Justine in the papers.. seems so many the last few days have just had a total manners/empathy bypass.

I have been married 21 years. The last 5 he has really put me through hell. Things were slowly improving but far from good and I have been so depressed. Today he posted this to Facebook and I think I am truly done.

I have worked right alongside him for 21 years. I have never not worked, I have always worked hard and make a good salary.

I have nursed him through a broken leg and 3 surgeries and helped him support his mother for years until she passed away. I also help support his brother too.

I don't normally lose it over FB but for some reason seeing his post hurt me very badly. Invalidated and erased, again. He said he didn't do anything wrong but if that's true why did it hurt so bad?

You know, men are often contemptuous of women who see them their worst or weakest. They cannot handle it and start again to maintain their egos.

My DH would have said something very similar to your DH in that situation. He would have been logical and practical.

He absolutely loves me unconditionally, and I him. Such a comment would never have made me feel the reaction you have. You sound very extreme and an absolute overthinker.

and what does that have to do with what the OP was actually asking people.. which was "What was your 'this is over' moment in your marriage?"

If your marriage isn't over, and you haven't had a moment like that, why are you here giving an opinion on something the OP didn't ask for anyones opinion on?

Yes but he knew that they’d hit his number by mistake. Not quite the same as ‘we’ve been trying to contact your wife and can’t’. I think that’s relevant. I’m not saying for a moment you shouldn’t have ended your marriage though!

Do you need a lie down?

YANBU OP !

Some of the responses here must be a piss take - I can’t believe so many women have such low expectations of their partners and even worse - believe this low level is normal.