What was your "this is over" moment in your marriage

[MadScottishBurd]

Just what the title says, really.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie. However, I cant stop tinking about something he said to me, and at that moment, I knew it was it, that I wanted more.

During the really bad weather before Christmas - snow, sleat, wind, heavy rain.. I had a meeting at 9am at my work. I was 20 minutes late for work (not a huge amount of time but still!). My work didnt know where I was and tried calling me to see if I was alright, as the person I was meeting with was waiting for me to arrive. They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband. They had told him that it was a mistake calling him as they were trying to call me as I hadnt turned up for work.

I then arrived, started my meeting asap, and was told about this call to my husband later on, which I totally forgot about until I went home that evening.

When I was home, and after we had our dinner and was watching TV, it popped in my head.. I asked "my work said they called you today, why havent you said anything"
him: "oh, I forgot about that, something about you didnt turn up"
me: "yeah, but why didn't you try contacting me to make sure I was alright, I could have been in an accident"
him "I was busy at work, they were going to contact you"
me "I know, but werent you concerned? What if I had been in an accident, wouldnt you feel guilty??"
him: "I'm sure the police would have contacted me, had you been in an accident".

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

What was your eureka moment?

x

If someone called me about my husband not having turned up at work, I would be worried. Even if its 20mins. I would check in with him to make sure he's ok.

Well if she hadn't shown up at all, I'm assuming work would call again, not just leave it?

To... get the information that DH didn't tell them in the first call? Why would they call again if DH just said 'she left as normal'?

I'd been in hospital with an invasive infection (48 hours of 4 different IV antibiotics, my consultant told me at a follow up visit that she had seen people in my position be dead within 12 hours, so it was pretty serious).

A few weeks after I had been discharged I began to feel off and get pain in the same place as had started it off and I said to (self employed) DH 'I'm a bit worried it's come back and I'll be back in hospital' and he said, 'God, I hope not, that'll cause me a right nightmare with work!'
To which I replied 'It'll be more of a nightmare if I die, won't it?!'

Selfish, selfish man.

And yet I am still here and we are still married.

The thing is: it was so bloody obvious that the OP's "this is over moment" wasn't just a spur of the moment "OMG my otherwise lovely and fantastic and caring husband didn't put the bin out once in 10 years, ergo I'm leaving him" thing, but the crowning turd on a shit cake. It only takes a couple of people who are either illiterate or hard of thinking to say that she's hard work and then a whole pile-on ensues (not including you in either category, obviously- you are clearly neither!)

I don’t know why you’re getting the high
maintenance comments OP. If DH’s work called me and said he hadn’t shown up, the first thing I’d do when I got off the phone to them would be to call or text him to check he was ok. Who would ignore being called as an emergency contact and they were none the wiser?! How very odd for your soon to be exH to just assume you were ok.

I disagree. The title and the nature of the post read as a 'straw that broke the camel's back' moment.

These are the types of comments I came on expecting to read, not 'when he cheated on me' yeah no shit of course you'd leave, wouldn't you?

A eureka moment is more one that isn't as obvious. You find yourself slowly drifting apart or growing resentful over little things that make you deeply unhappy, then suddenly something seemingly simple just makes you go 'I've had enough'

Why didn’t you message him when you got to work? Given that you thought he might have been worried after they’d called him?

Maybe this was his eureka moment? 💡

Don't be shocked. Have you ever been on the relationships board? The bar for men is set so low that to some, showing basic concern for their partner seems princely

I don’t think it’s trivial at all OP - there are people on here who seem to go out of their way to be obtuse and nasty. My dh is as laidback as they come and rarely texts me when he’s at work but even he I’m pretty sure would message me in that scenario.

My final straw moment was when I realised, after having “the ick” for a while that I felt like I was physically going to vomit when he tried to kiss/touch me. I just felt like I wanted to be as far away from him as possible and didn’t care if I never saw him again. We had a child together so it was difficult but I just physically couldn’t be intimate with him anymore and I knew it wasn’t fair to him either. I still remember that panicky feeling even though it was years ago and it still makes my skin crawl!

Christ there's some twats on here 🙄

OP is quite clearly saying its her wake up call to getting out of an unhappy marriage. Quite common for this to happen.

If someone is usually punctional to work then yes I would be concerned that they hadn't shown up after 20 minutes!

For me it was when we were struggling with our daughters, we were getting all the paperwork sorted and school had sent home their risk assessment they’d done for her. That document broke me, it was so clinical and scary. It made everything real and it was obvious mainstream wasn’t the right environment for her - high risk of death due to some of her behaviours as she had no risk awareness.
I said to exdh, can you please read this, it’s from DDs school it’s the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever read and I don’t know where we go from here.
48 hours later he still hadn’t read it - it was 3 pages long took a few minutes to read.
I knew then I was alone and didn’t have a partner who I could face things with. It was over from then.

I can’t believe the trivial reasons some people use for ending a marriage, they’re quite pathetic!

I wouldn't have worried if my DH was 20 minutes late for work! What did you want him to do - call out a search party.

Because she didn't know at that point that they had called him.

Jesus Christ, it is like pulling teeth.

Thing is with this kind of response, the OP married him. He doesn’t appear to have changed overnight. So who has the low bar then? The OP for marrying him? Amazes me women think this is a zinger when most women wouldn’t put up with a man like this in a month of Sundays. Yet from these threads many marry them. If you’ve had good partners throughout your life you couldn’t get annoyed by things like the OP has outlined

I don’t think OP is high maintenance. If my DH got that message, he would definitely ring me to make sure I was okay, I can see how it was hurtful. As she says, there was a lot more to it than this that lead to the break up.

In your opening post you say he's loyal and not a bad guy. That seems very contradictory to this man here. This would have been my moment.

Really? This seems a bit highly strung.

Stop apologising OP, your title was perfectly clear.

I think there are some slightly thick people on here today.

For those who still don’t get it: OP wasn’t asking “what was the worst most disgusting/cruel/nasty thing your dh ever did that made you decide to end your marriage” she asked “what was the final straw”? ie. what was the standout moment, amongst lots of little (or indeed big) moments that stood out and made you think “that’s it, it’s over” and actually leave/make steps to leave. It could be as trivial as him leaving the washing up again after being asked to do it for the millionth time.

Is that a bit clearer now?

If my work had called my husband saying I hadnt shown up for work, but he knew I had left and should be there by now, he absolutely would telephone me to check I am alright and I would absolutely do the same to him.

We keep in constant contact, all day every day (work allowing). He works shifts, I work 9-5. The only time we dont have constant contact is when he is on night shift because I'm asleep. But he is the last person I speak to at night and the first person in the morning. We have been together almost 20 years.

Nights out are a bit different, we leave each other to it then but I couldnt imagine going through a whole day and not even having a text from DH to see how my day is going.

I thought the same OP. He did have a point.

@MadScottishBurd I’m as surprised as you at a lot of these responses. I thought your original post was clear that this was the “final straw” for you, as the thing that made you make your decision to separate. The final straw doesn’t have to be something big, when it’s on top of a load of other things. And you’re not drop feeding by giving examples, after you were criticised for your final straw seeming so small!

I completely understand what you’re saying about the scenario you laid out, regarding work phoning to ask where you might be (they also sound like a good company, if they were looking out for you). In a loving marriage, any suggestion that a partner might be in trouble (by not turning up to work), would usually result in some kind of action from the spouse (phoning their mobile, following up with work to see if you’ve arrived). I get how your husband’s lack of action made you realise how little he cared for you and I can see how it would finally give you the push you needed to go your separate way. I hope you find someone better!

Well I wonder what his point of view in all this would be? And yes you sound high maintenance. The grass isn't always greener you know.

But the op started with what a hardworking, loyal and good man he is. I assumed they’d fallen out of love, grown apart, nothing in common anymore etc.
then followed it up with loads of examples why he’s not a good man. Totally changes the whole picture imo. The fact he didn’t ring if he is usually a lovely guy is no big deal- but along with the drip feeds, it’s totally different scenario.

She’s divorcing him. Many women continue to put up with it and complain, then accept it as normal, hence thinking why the OP is being OTT.