What was your "this is over" moment in your marriage

[MadScottishBurd]

Just what the title says, really.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie. However, I cant stop tinking about something he said to me, and at that moment, I knew it was it, that I wanted more.

During the really bad weather before Christmas - snow, sleat, wind, heavy rain.. I had a meeting at 9am at my work. I was 20 minutes late for work (not a huge amount of time but still!). My work didnt know where I was and tried calling me to see if I was alright, as the person I was meeting with was waiting for me to arrive. They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband. They had told him that it was a mistake calling him as they were trying to call me as I hadnt turned up for work.

I then arrived, started my meeting asap, and was told about this call to my husband later on, which I totally forgot about until I went home that evening.

When I was home, and after we had our dinner and was watching TV, it popped in my head.. I asked "my work said they called you today, why havent you said anything"
him: "oh, I forgot about that, something about you didnt turn up"
me: "yeah, but why didn't you try contacting me to make sure I was alright, I could have been in an accident"
him "I was busy at work, they were going to contact you"
me "I know, but werent you concerned? What if I had been in an accident, wouldnt you feel guilty??"
him: "I'm sure the police would have contacted me, had you been in an accident".

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

What was your eureka moment?

x

Or - and bear with me on this - it's a serious crash in very bad weather that most British cars are not equipped for? A woman posted before Christmas about the terrible crash she had in the snow.
Yeah it's probably nothing, but if you're not even alarmed enough to send a text to your significant other checking they're ok, then do you even give a shite?

I guess it's easy to forget what a shambles the roads were in round places that got heavy snow.

Yes, this.

We put up with so much and then one day, it’s like you can see someone clearly for the first time.

For what’s it’s worth, if my husbands work called me saying he’d not arrived, I too would be really worried about him. Of course the first thing I would do would be to try and call him myself, leave message asking him to call me as soon as he got it.

I’m positive he would be worried about me too in the OPs situation.

Yes of course, you're right. I think it's just thrown a lot of people off because the OP's own account, the way it was written, sounded a bit low key especially when you add in that he was nice and also omit all of the other stuff, it was just a weird format.

I hadn't read the OP's updates tbh which paints a different picture. I have to say he does a bit autistic, don't know why that's considered a slur. I know a couple of people with high functioning autism and it's quite similar to how people would describe them in other contexts - like missing normal social cues and boundaries in noticeable and consistent ways.

I dont need someone to check up on me all the time either... but I appreciate that we will have to agree to disagree on this senario. Although, it was my "moment".

You are 100% right.

I don't need anyone at all to check on me.

But you know what, as I see it, part of being a mutually respectful and loving relationship is that you care what happens to them, and if something occurs outside of their normal routine - like, for example, being late to work during a time of heavy snow - you check to make sure nothing untoward has happened.

If my entire family disappeared tomorrow, I'd still be able to do everything single thing I do now. But it's nice having people around that care about you.

Similar vein to yours.

Coming out of a Tesco in covid times, towards the end of the restrictions I believe. He was pushing the trolley with our daughter in and I was walking next to him with my son (not his). He picked up the hand sanitiser and put some in his own hand and the our daughters, I held my hand out for some as did my son and he just completely ignored me and looked through me as if I didn’t exist then walked off.

In the grand scheme of things it sounds like nothing and really it wasn’t considering all the abuse I suffered at his hands and all the absolutely hideous things he did to me.

But there was something about his actions and expression that just flipped a switch in me. It was like a veil being pulled away and in that moment I truly understood that for him I was worthless, insignificant, unworthy only good enough to berate, bully and assault.

That feeling of worthlessness stayed with me for a really long time.

A "this is over" moment is, for a lot of people, a last straw moment. How is it so difficult for people to understand that? For a lot of people it is innocous -that why its "the straw that breaks the camels back" not "the enormous oak tree that breaks the camels back"

@MadScottishBurd totally agree with you. However why did you marry him if he was like this before?
@CandlelightGlow Throwing round terms like spectrummy as others have or saying he sounds autistic when there is nothing known about the man except that he sounds a bit ignorant and has different communication expectations from the OP is of course a slur. People can just be arseholes. There’s no need to draw a parallel with neurodivergence. It also reinforces the idea that neurodivergent people are difficult or other.

What an odd extreme to go to. The OP was twenty mins late to work. A lot of unnecessary panic involved in the original story and thread.

I was in an abusive relationship (physically and emotionally) with a man I thought I loved. I was desperate to make it work. I didn’t want to feel a failure as I had moved abroad to be with him and I didn’t want him not to love me. He kept dangling the carrot of “when you stop being so emotional I’ll propose” “when you change this we can get married”. I so badly wanted a loving family as my own upbringing had been tricky.

anyway one day over something trivial he said “I’ll never marry you”. It was all I needed .

I waited for him to be at work, packed my most important things, wrote “I’ll never marry you” on a piece of paper and dumped all our photos and momentos on the bed, got a friend to drive me to the airport and fucked off back to England.

was marvellous. Absolutely marvellous.

Sorry, what is extreme? That it's nice to have people to care about you?

Don't think anyone mentioned any 'panic' either. Most adults are capable of thinking exactly what you're saying - probably delayed by snow. But also, most people probably care enough to at least check in with their partner.

I understand everyone has different opinions and I am suprised that some wouldnt check in with their partner after work rang. I think if it was reversed, my first thought wouldn't be "omg he has had an accident", I would probably think its a bit strange and that he is running late. However, I would take a few secs out of my day and ask if he was alright.

The thing is, the OP is asking: 'what was your lightbulb moment'?
& then giving an eg of hers (not asking for us to critique it!)

Mine was when I realised that the man I'd put myself through IVF for (male factor infertility, I was happy to adopt, he was adamant it had to be HIS kids) was less interested in the children we'd created than he was himself. Always. At all times. They were of interest if they were reflecting well on him / aligned with his current interests. But not otherwise. ie not real people to him.

We were in a fast food restaurant and he went up to the counter and ordered his food.

Obviously we didn't break up because he didn't ask me what I wanted but it was the moment that I realised I considered him in everything I did but he couldn't even be bothered to ask me what f**king chicken I was having.

He got a tiny little cut on his face from a branch and wore a plaster for over a week, changing it daily, treating it with sudocrem, asking my opinion of it. I realised he’d never really been injured in the time we’d been together and every time he mentioned this fucking cut a little bit more of me died. It was literally a 3cm scratch that hardly bled when he did it and he was walking around looking like Nelly circa 2003.

I think my DH would text or try calling me.

That if everyone died belonging to you, that’s the odd extreme.
Panic from the OP’s office, though let’s face it, they weren’t worried that she was stuck in a snow drift with life slowly ebbing away, they were pissed off because they’d a client sitting waiting for twenty minutes. Panicky ringing the wrong number I.e. the emergency contact - though in fairness they did say sorry rang you by accident, this confirming there was nothing for him to worry about.
As I say I wouldn’t end a marriage over it but the OP’s husband sounds awful so I wouldn’t have married him in the first place. As the saying goes ‘what do you expect from a pig but a grunt’

I’m not sure why so many have said you were being a drama queen or over reacting etc.

It was quite clear that you meant what was the final straw. That’s why they call it the straw the broke the camels back - something small on top of a lot of other things (so not drip feeding?!)

Only read page 1 but what happened to be kind? Why the pile on? This is someone thinking of leaving their husband because of an uncaring thing he did (and I do think it’s uncaring!) which by another post is the straw that broke the camels back.
if communication is important and he’s not making an effort why is OP being called high maintenance? Typical mumsnet weirdness and pile on. My husband similar but whilst we were dating 1) I got used to it a bit and 2) he got a bit better and met me in the middle.

Yeah but the husband got a phone call that his wife had not arrived at work and then did NOTHING to check in for the rest of the day. That's not acceptable.

Ignore the arseholes. You aren't being high maintenence at all.

We were in a bad place. He had been for a counselling session and I sat and listened to him when he came home. Then he was asking me a few questions about my past. I mentioned an ex and he laughed in my face and told me it wasn’t serious. I was trying to get to a point about a few things that happened in my life at the time. Including someone close to me dying. I never finished my side. I realised it was all about him and he couldn’t listen.

You started the thread asking what the 'Eureka' moment was, so you can perhaps see why posters think you are high maintenance if this was that moment?

Wow, people aren't understanding the '20 minutes' late' thing.

The DH didn't get told on the phone 'OP was 20 minutes late this morning'.
He got told 'she was expected at 9 and hasn't shown up'.

He had no way of knowing what had happened!

Well if she hadn't shown up at all, I'm assuming work would call again, not just leave it?