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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to do laundry for son

135 replies

nosyneighbouring · 10/01/2023 12:56

I have 4 dc the others are all under 8 but one older who's 20.
I am a SAHM and take care of most of the household stuff but dc(20) earns a good wage and I expect him to do his own washing and buy/cook his own food.
AIBU I think ds think's because he's at work and I'm not I should do his washing as I do for the little ones and dh and he'd prefer to give me money and eat the food in the house but this leaves us out of pocket as he doesn't appreciate how much things cost unless he buys his own and the money he contributes towards his keep is for bills but he still uses bread, milk, toiletries etc I just ask he provides himself with a main meal and washes his own bedding and clothes now, does this seem fair? Or AIBU as I'm at home with the little ones.

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 10/01/2023 13:01

I think YABU and a bit mean. If he contributes financially to the household you could still do things for him, it's a bit tight to do them for every other member of the household but not your DS.

Sometimes it's just nice to do things for people because you can.

Blankscreen · 10/01/2023 13:03

I think not cooking him dinner is a bit mean tbh and surely it's more hassle and cost of electricity for him to cook separate food?

DSS is 18 and does his own washing.so I don't think you are BU on that one.

picklemewalnuts · 10/01/2023 13:04

Mine did their own washing from their teens. Much easier all round, they know where their belongings are and whether they are running low on socks. Work out with him what day he will use the machine, and organise the rest around him.

Re the food, it's easier if he eats what and when everyone else does, and pays accordingly. Count each child as half, and each adult as one, and he pays the appropriate share of the groceries bill. If he wants extras above meals, he gets them himself.

Make it clear that you aren't trying to fleece him, just covering the costs as otherwise you'll be short.

ForestLilac · 10/01/2023 13:04

TWENTY???

Ffs he can do his own laundry. Cheeky git.

Eixample · 10/01/2023 13:04

Ask for more money for his keep to cover the food as I guess you won’t be able to stop him taking it.
I’d happily do the laundry and cook an extra portion of food if there were an agreed list of chores that he did at the weekend. Then if he doesn’t do them, you don’t do his washing the next week.

Glitterandcard · 10/01/2023 13:04

Seems completely reasonable to expect him to do his own laundry.

Personally I’d rather not have another adult cooking a completely different meal in my kitchen every day or taking up extra fridge space, I’d just charge him more money so you weren’t out of pocket and probably ask him to cook a whole family meal once or twice a week. Assuming he’s happy to eat what everyone else is having. But if it works for you then although it feels slightly unkind to cook for everyone but him it’s not really unreasonable. It’s only what he’d have to do if he got his own place.

The fact you’re at home is irrelevant- you’re at home looking after little children not to be his maid service. He’s presumably benefiting from the fact you clean, tidy up etc - again things he’d have to do himself if he moved out.

ICanHideButICantRun · 10/01/2023 13:06

I think that's really mean, regarding the evening meal, unless you're going to tell us now that he wants something completely different to the rest of the family?

With regard to washing, I would do it for my son if I was at home all day and had the time.

Suziesz · 10/01/2023 13:08

and he'd prefer to give me money and eat the food in the house but this leaves us out of pocket as he doesn't appreciate how much things cost unless he buys his own and the money he contributes towards his keep is for bills but he still uses bread, milk, toiletries etc

So you don’t think your 20 year old should be allowed to use the milk in the fridge? Do you really think it’s beneficial for anyone to have 2 lots of milk, bread, all the other food??
Of course he would prefer to give you money and eat the food the rest of the family does, that’s perfectly normal and I’ve no idea why you have an issue with it. It make much more sense to shop for an additional person and him give you money towards it than him to shop for a single person.

Refusing to let him eat the same main meal as else just seems mean spirited. Doing his own laundry is fine but why are you treating him like a lodger who isn’t your son?

Dramaalpacas · 10/01/2023 13:08

Own laundry yes. Making him cook and eat separately makes it seem like he’s a lodger not part of your family. Up his rent if you need to but it just seems mean. Are you step mum?

quietnightmare · 10/01/2023 13:08

Food - include him, ask for some more money as I'm assuming he's living rent free, perhaps he can cook a meal for all the family once a week

Washing - he should do it

Toiletries - he either buy his own or use the household items and pays you a little more a month

RoseslnTheHospital · 10/01/2023 13:12

Just work out how much he needs to contribute in order to pay for his share of food (as per @picklemewalnuts says) and ask him for the extra money. Cooking for one extra is less hassle for me than expecting someone else to use the kitchen alongside me when I'm cooking for 5 or so already. Regarding toiletries, I would expect him to buy his own stuff (shampoo, shower gel, deodorant?) - if he's using yours then I'd factor a small amount into the increased contributions.

Regarding the washing, I would expect him to do his own, he's an adult not a child in that regard.

SwordToFlamethrower · 10/01/2023 13:13

So you're expected to be his personal maid? If he had his own place, he'd be working full time and still have to do his own laundry... or would he be bringing it to you stating the same bs?

He is a sexist little sh1t and you need to tell him to f#ck off

RoseslnTheHospital · 10/01/2023 13:14

Maybe your DH could start washing his clothes himself as well, so as to set a good example for your eldest.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/01/2023 13:17

Just ask him for more money then??

daybroke · 10/01/2023 13:18

Laundry yes. Food no. Ask him for more keep. And cover the food with that

bigbluebus · 10/01/2023 13:24

I see no logic in making a family member do their own laundry. Asking them to do a load or two of family laundry including their own fine. But if you make him do his own I wouldn't mind betting you'll soon be back on here with a thread complaining that he put his washing in the machine in the morning before he went to work and is now blocking you using the machine unless you empty it. So unless you allocate him a specific hour on a specific day when he can use the machine, i can see it becoming an issue.

Again making him cook all his meals separately is not an efficient use of energy and you'd have to allocate him a certain time when he can use the kitchen - when you're not using it.

It's his home, not a house share.

Justcallmebebes · 10/01/2023 13:24

That's horrible. So you are saying that you will cook and prepare a meal for the whole family and you will sit down and eat but exclude your son? Totally unreasonable.

If you feel that strongly about it, help him to find somewhere else and move out, but don't isolate him that way. Not on at all

cosmiccosmos · 10/01/2023 13:24

So did he leave home to go to uni and has come back or been at home all the time?

How did it come about that he 'expects this'? If you were doing it as he was at home then there was a conversation to be had about expectations. In fact I would have that convo now - sit down and explain how things will work, it's your house.

If you all hate a bathroom then it's difficult to expect stuff isn't used. I would be telling him that an 'all inclusive' deal of meals and shower stuff is x per week. I would certainly not be doing his laundry. I would also expect a 20 year old to be doing household chores. If he refuses he either moves out or pays more rent. Young people, especially young men, need to understand the extent of running a home.

redskydelight · 10/01/2023 13:28

With my adult son I ask him to wash his own bedding and to make up the load with appropriate items from the general washing basket. That way, he takes some responsibility/a job off me and we're not in the position where he's run out of socks but still doesn't have enough of his own clothes for a full load.

Similarly for cooking - he cooks once a week for the whole family and we all eat together for meals. I also shop for food for the family - if he wanted something out of the ordinary I'd ask him to buy it for himself but we have normal milk, bread, sandwich stuff in, that I expect him to just help himself to.

Making him do his own washing/shopping/cooking makes him seem more like a lodger than a member of the family. And we don't have space for everyone to be doing their own thing!

SuperTrooper7 · 10/01/2023 13:29

Justcallmebebes · 10/01/2023 13:24

That's horrible. So you are saying that you will cook and prepare a meal for the whole family and you will sit down and eat but exclude your son? Totally unreasonable.

If you feel that strongly about it, help him to find somewhere else and move out, but don't isolate him that way. Not on at all

Agree with this, the poor lad must be feeling very pushed out.

Badgirlriri · 10/01/2023 13:32

Justcallmebebes · 10/01/2023 13:24

That's horrible. So you are saying that you will cook and prepare a meal for the whole family and you will sit down and eat but exclude your son? Totally unreasonable.

If you feel that strongly about it, help him to find somewhere else and move out, but don't isolate him that way. Not on at all

Totally agree.

ijustneedanamefgs · 10/01/2023 13:32

His own laundry yes he should do himself. My 21yr son lives with me and if he wants what we are eating that’s fine, if he wants something different he cooks and often buys himself. He buys most of his own snacks etc.

Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou · 10/01/2023 13:34

I would cook my child dinner but that’s just me.

Lolalime · 10/01/2023 13:35

There have been similar threads and most on here would say DC is an adult of course they should pay/do their own washing cooking etc However I’m in a similar position to you where I have adult dc and younger ones, and In my experience it’s not practical and adult DC are still part of the family and not a lodger. In my case, it does not work for me to do a wash load and pick out and leave adult DC things in order for them to do a separate wash later, this means extra wash load.
The same goes for meals, im not going to cook a family meal and leave the adult DC to sort themselves out. This seems wasteful and petty and what are you actually going to teach them? That they are only responsible for themselves and no one else?

‘That’s not my plate, I’m not washing it’, and I’m not folding those T-shirts as they are not mine?’
‘who ate my tomato that I bought for my sandwich??

I’d rather have us all support and help each other when needed. This I mean l(and it’s a process) teaching they adult DC to be aware of what needs to be done and stepping in when it needs doing. So if I’m home I’ll cook and load a wash if everyone else is at work but when they are back they can do other bits like wash dishes, Iron, hoover, clean garden, windows etc and cook when they are off etc

As for money I don’t think it’s unfair to ask for contributions towards household costs, show them all your expenses for a month to put things into perspective, and then come up with an agreed amount.

It might be trial and error to find what works for you, and there are benefits to having older DC, they take them out sometimes too xxx

Dillydollydingdong · 10/01/2023 13:36

Surely if he has to do his own washing that means an extra cycle of the washing machine and extra expense, with the cost of electricity going up? Will he use the dryer as well? You're an old meanie aren't you?

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