Not to do laundry for son

[nosyneighbouring]

I have 4 dc the others are all under 8 but one older who's 20.
I am a SAHM and take care of most of the household stuff but dc(20) earns a good wage and I expect him to do his own washing and buy/cook his own food.
AIBU I think ds think's because he's at work and I'm not I should do his washing as I do for the little ones and dh and he'd prefer to give me money and eat the food in the house but this leaves us out of pocket as he doesn't appreciate how much things cost unless he buys his own and the money he contributes towards his keep is for bills but he still uses bread, milk, toiletries etc I just ask he provides himself with a main meal and washes his own bedding and clothes now, does this seem fair? Or AIBU as I'm at home with the little ones.

So, after your update, I would...

1. Charge him much more. Like 4x as much (depending on his salary)

And in return, I'd

1. Make a decent meal for the whole family to eat

He can definitely do his own laundry.
£25 per week for keep is very cheap, so I can see your thinking re getting him to buy his own food. And cooking it will help him into independent living.

If he wants you to shop and cook he needs to pay more, and even if you do decide to cook family meals including him, I’d want him to agree to do a share of the cooking.

I eat soup or salad or pick at fruit, dh eats a pizza or sandwiches and dc have frozen food or occasional roast which I make for everyone and we eat together but both dh and ds work weekends over shifts.
I was looking at things wrong and dinner's together need to be a priority for everyone, even if they warm it up when they come in.

We each (4 adults) have our own basket.
We each do a load every ten days or so, keeping an eye on when it's in use so there will be room on the airer.
No need to sort it ever, as each person's stays separate.
We each do an extra load every now and then to cover sheets and towels, dog stuff, and so on.

It's a much easier system for all of us, and substantially easier to organise than sharing a kitchen!

Have a look on spare room to see how much a room in your area would cost so he can see what the going rate for a room in a shared house is. That would not include his food.

He needs to be paying far, far more than £25 and his contribution isn't just financial. It should also be preparing a family meal you can all eat together. We tend to do larger lunches on a weekend and have a much lighter dinner. He should also be doing some household chores that benefit everyone, not just him. He is an adult and needs to have some responsibility.

Does he know what outgoings he would have if he had his own place? Does he know you pay council tax and utilities? Maybe you can talk to him about how expensive it is house wise and food wise. He really should know how much food costs. He doesn't need to buy it to find out. Online supermarkets show how much milk costs etc.

A grown adult with a job should be paying to live at home IF the household needs that money. And your household needs it. I don't know where you live, but £25 a week is ridiculously little. You should at least double that, if not more. I can see not wanting to make money off him living at home, but he should cover costs.

I think you need to having proper family meals. Even if the young ones have issues (I can't think of any other reason chicken nuggets and beans would be an appropriate meal). It would do them alot better to be eating around others eating proper meals and you can offer proper food alongside their accepted foods.

Why has he moved back in when he earns more than your husband who is supporting a family alone and only contributes a pitiful 25 quid a week.

Absolutely you should. He is grown man for God's sake. The rest of us don't want cosseted mummy's boys as partners. My DS did his own laundry at 14 and his own room and we took turns cooking. I was a full time working mum. I taught him essential life skills early on.
He shares everything with his wife now. If his wife told me he expects her to do everything I'd be devastated.

We each (4 adults) have our own basket.
We each do a load every ten days or so,

I don't have enough clothes to not do a load of washing for 10 days!!

He earns more than his father and is only paying £25 per week. There lies your problem. It should be at least double that.

He's your son. I totally agree he should pay a decent amount to you that covers his bills and food but I think you should include him in the family meals you are already making for everyone else. Perhaps one night a week he could cook for everyone to give you a break and the rest of the time you make enough for him as well. As for his washing, if I was putting a wash in anyway I'd include his stuff in it. I'd make sure he pulled his weight and helped put with other chores but at the end of the day he's your son, not a lodger.

He can do his own washing for sure, at 20 he should want to do this anyway! I’d cook for him when you cook for everyone else unless he wants something different or wants to eat at a different time, in which case he can cook for himself.

My 20 yr old cooks, cleans, does his washing, tops up the shopping if he wants anything specific, pays a £250 contribution to bills and works full time.

You need to start the younger kids now on taking responsibility for their own stuff.

You need to sit down with a spreadsheet and include absolutely everything that needs paying. Food utilities Council tax broadband TV licence house insurance water and any subscription like sky / Netflix etc. Show him how much things cost. Then look on spare room, see what the going rate is breathing in mind that won't include food. Then meet in the middle.
Does he have a girlfriend? What kind of partner will he make if mummy does everything?

I wouldn't do it like that as the poor lad must feel like is in a house share rather than with his family. He needs to pay keep for sure but I wouldn't have any issue with cooking for him as part of the family and probably bunging his washing in too though he could do that as part of becoming more adult.

I did my own washing and ironing as a teen (had a work uniform to do as well as my normal stuff), my mum didn't always have time. It wasn't difficult just because I was a teenager...

Why do posters keep saying if he has to do his own laundry that means an extra cycle of the washing machine? how do you know whether OP would have just as many cycles if she did it for him. Everyone does their own washing in our house and we each have a full load, infact a few loads. Perhaps if you don't have many clothes then of course, everyone doing half a load would be a waste.

Because just as you are applying it to your own circumstances other posters (myself included) are applying it to theirs. I think it's basic conversation tbh, oh that might not work bc xyz, ha it works for us bc abc.

Ah, not ha

@SwordToFlamethrower - charming!
OP I feel a bit sorry for your DS, being treated as an outsider in his own home.

If he’s generating a whole load needs to do it himself.

Absolutely stick to your guns op. Think of his future wife or partner!

It will probably make your son feel like he is not part of the family anymore, a lodger at best. Just because he is older than the others he is not allowed to join in family meals or use the family milk in the fridge?

DS is 17 and has been doing his own laundry since he was 16. Why not? It’s a good life skill. It stops him asking me Mum where is x T-shirt or y jumper.
If he was a lodger or had his own place he would be doing his own. Or using a laundry service. This is no different

I agree with this.

Expecting him to do his own laundry is perfectly reasonable and very different to making him buy and cook his own food.

You should increase the amount he gives you if it's sit enough to cover the food but it seems extremely harsh to exclude your son from family meals.