Not to do laundry for son

[nosyneighbouring]

I have 4 dc the others are all under 8 but one older who's 20.
I am a SAHM and take care of most of the household stuff but dc(20) earns a good wage and I expect him to do his own washing and buy/cook his own food.
AIBU I think ds think's because he's at work and I'm not I should do his washing as I do for the little ones and dh and he'd prefer to give me money and eat the food in the house but this leaves us out of pocket as he doesn't appreciate how much things cost unless he buys his own and the money he contributes towards his keep is for bills but he still uses bread, milk, toiletries etc I just ask he provides himself with a main meal and washes his own bedding and clothes now, does this seem fair? Or AIBU as I'm at home with the little ones.

He should do his own laundry (including buying detergent with his food shop)
Is he home when you eat ? My young adult kids were often out when we are so it made sense for them to cook their own food (and load the dishwasher afterwards)

As per all the others - increase contribution for food and offer him dinner - if he doesn't like what is on offer he cooks something else, keep standard food in cupboards if he wants extra/ fancy stuff he buys.
If you can get him to do cooking one night for everyone that would be a good life skill.

He buys toiletries (I'm surprised he doesn't do this already tbh).

He does own laundry.

If he doesn't like it he can move out.

Of course he should do his own washing! He's an adult. He can tidy his own room and hold down a job, so he can certainly use a washing machine.

Increase how much he has to contribute to cover the food he eats, and do a family shop. I can understand not cooking for him if you're feeding the under-8s at 5:30 and he get in a 7, for example, but not being able to grab something from the fridge when he gets in seems petty.

It all sounds very divisive! Just make a list of everything you pay for and divide by 4 (you, DH, other kids and him). Ask him to contribute a 1/4 and then it will not be costing you anything to cook his food.

Is your husband this boy's father, @nosyneighbouring ?

My 23 year old does his own laundry. We all do our own laundry.

I buy food for everyone, but he buys his own lunches. He usually eats dinner with us, but if he doesn't want what I've made then it's up to him to make something else himself. He usually has extra stuff he's bought as he works some evenings so isn't home at dinner time.

Own laundry, yes. My teens do theirs and know to check if there’s anything in the communal basket to make up the load. Food, I think you just need to charge him more to cover the costs. Having two sets of food is madness, and I couldn’t be doing with someone else messing around in the kitchen at the same time as me, not to mention the extra cost incurred having the oven on twice etc.

How much is he paying you pcm?

With three adults in the house I'd expect each one to cook 2 nights a week, the 7th night being for takeaway/leftovers. I'd also expect the adults to be responsible for their own laundry and the parents to split the little one's washing. My kids put away their own washing from 4 yrs, with guidance, so that part is easier.

My 11 yr old does all his own laundry and so does DH although I'm happy to take care of bedding, towels etc as I'm home. It would be so much work to do his, DHs, and my own, why would you?

I find the idea of separating laundry by person quite odd tbh. Surely a more sensible approach is that everyone mucks in? That way you can ensure full loads but nobody is doing it all.

My adult DC don't do their own laundry, but they do laundry.

I think you are othering your son and it is quite sad. By all means just ask him for more money and explain that is needed to cover all the toiletries and food. I'd also set out rules clearly, that you will cook his tea and put it aside but if he wants something else he needs to sort himself out and you won't be making alternatives which I think is fair, also if he is going out for food he should let you know in advance. As for washing I would expect him to do it but I'd expect that of any of my children once they are over 18.

I don't cook a meal for everyone bar him, I'm home all day so pick during the day and dc eat age appropriate food with the school age having a meal at school so just has nugget's and beans or something, dh will eat sandwiches as he's home late and a picker so there's only ds to feed and he's recently moved back home so I'm not used to cooking a family meal and thought he could cook for himself but I guess that is lazy.

I would be cooking just for him at the moment, maybe it's time to start preparing proper meals now for the whole family. I used to buy and make meals but the little ones are fussy so we got used to just picking.

My adult DC does his own washing but I am more than happy to do it so the the washer ( and more importantly at this time of year) airer are used efficiently.

I think he should do his own laundry (or an appropriate share of the household laundry) but should be allowed to eat the household food along with an appropriate contribution to the food bill. Otherwise it feels like he's a lodger and not part of the family.

YABU

Asking him to do his own laundry is not U. But if you’re worried about money, it makes more sense to ask him to contribute to the task of washing and folding a few loads of household laundry every week. Washing his own sheets should be a given.

Regarding the food, it’s awful if a family meal is being cooked and he’s being told he can’t have any. Ask for more board if you’re out of pocket. And he should be cooking for the family once a week.

My 11 year old does laundry and cooks, so I think it’s not U to ask a 20 year old to pitch in with these things.

How much is he paying you pcm?
He pays £25 a week at the moment but earns far more than dh.

OK, so I understand only providing a snack to the DC if they eat at school. But what about you and DH? Don't you have a proper meal at any point? What do you do at weekends and school holidays?

Excluding him from family meals seems very mean. Surely all adults take turns cooking and cleaning up, with kids mucking in as able? As he is working, he can absolutely pay a contribution towards food.

Not unreasonable to expect him to do his own laundry.

Do you do your partners laundry? And cook him a meal?

I'd expect him to do housework, cook meals for the family but I would always include him in meals. All laundry goes in one hamper so would be weird if I left his clothes behind!

You should at least be charging him enough to cover the increase in food/bills that are caused by him living with you. Unless you're happy not to charge at all, but you clearly aren't.

Cross posted with your update. It would b e far better health wise and from a cost point of view if everyone ate home cooked food rather than just processed food. Is the issue that you don't know how to cook?

Just ask him to pay what it’s costing you to have him living there. But TBH it sounds like you resent him out-earning your DH.

He needs to cook for himself, it's a great skill, you will be doing him a huge favour.

He should pay you a third of his salary.

This is a tiny contribution.
I don't think it's unreasonable for him to pay the full cost of his food and a bit towards general household requirements (toilet paper, cleaning materials etc) and towards the utility bills as it will be costing you more there too.
In terms of his own independence I think doing your own washing is a minimum. He should also be doing a share of general chores.