Not to do laundry for son

[nosyneighbouring]

I have 4 dc the others are all under 8 but one older who's 20.
I am a SAHM and take care of most of the household stuff but dc(20) earns a good wage and I expect him to do his own washing and buy/cook his own food.
AIBU I think ds think's because he's at work and I'm not I should do his washing as I do for the little ones and dh and he'd prefer to give me money and eat the food in the house but this leaves us out of pocket as he doesn't appreciate how much things cost unless he buys his own and the money he contributes towards his keep is for bills but he still uses bread, milk, toiletries etc I just ask he provides himself with a main meal and washes his own bedding and clothes now, does this seem fair? Or AIBU as I'm at home with the little ones.

I like this idea best.

I don't understand this philosophy of making everyone over a certain age do their own washing. I mean, if it works for your family then that's fine, but I don't see how it makes life any easier. In my house we do all of our washing together, because it's no more difficult than doing one individual person's stuff at a time. It's more efficient. As a SAHM, it's usually me who does it, but not always. And it's not exactly difficult. Everyone sorts, folds, and puts away their own clothes after they have been washed and dried. My young adult children both now live away from home, so they do their own washing with no issues, but if they were home I'd still do it all together.

Your son, given that he is earning a good wage, should be paying a decent amount towards the household bills and food. He should also be contributing around the house - doing the dishes, taking out the rubbish, etc. But he's still your son, not just a lodger, so surely you want him to feel like part of the family?

I think it's very odd and pretty sad that you never have a family meal together. I don't think it's setting a good example for your younger children either. But as you've been a parent for 20 years now, it might be too late to change the way your family operates. You shouldn't be expected to make a meal for your son, if you and your husband are just picking at stuff rather than cooking.

Your DS should be doing his own laundry sbf cooking sometimes too! He needs those skills before he’s unleashed unto a live-in partner in future.

I'm happy to do my adult children's laundry, but equally they will add my stuff if they are putting a load on. I find it hard to get worked up about - efficiency is more important. I would include anyone in the household in family meals & ask for a contribution, unless he particularly wants to make his own meals.

I'd charge him rent £100 per week, and do his meals and laundry.

I have an adult D's living at home. He does his own laundry on a Saturday, clothing and bedding, then tumble dries immediately. He obviously cleans his own room. I only ever see him take vacuum up about once a month but that is up to him. He has his own shower room and staircase and must keep these clean too. If I'm cooking a roast, stew, bolognese, pasta bake or salmon he eats with us. If we are having fish or I am throwing in Turkey drummers or sausages and potato wedges for speed as taking younger child to activity he prefers to cook himself scrambled eggs or make an omelette. He cooks chicken and bacon lardons in creme fresh sauce with tagliatelle once each week or gammon steaks and mashed potatoes and peas.

Why is he only paying you £25 per week. That’s a ridiculously small amount. I would triple/quadruple that, but that would include all food and I would cook him his meals when I’m cooking for everyone else. I would probably bung some of his washing in with everyone else’s too, but not feel obliged to do all of it.

Yabu and a bit mean. And why do you only feed your children frozen food and ’pick at fruit’ yourself? Just cook a meal for everyone. Now is the time to teach your children to eat proper food, if they grow up on frozen food they won’t be less picky later on.

But he can certainly pay you more a week if he earns more than your dh, and you need the money. But he’s not a lodger..

I think YABU - he's a member of the household who is financially contributing. If you think it's not enough, ask him for more. But to be cooking for every other person in the household and leave him out, that's just mean (unless he's dictating what he wants). Can't you ask him to cook a meal for everyone one or two nights a week?

I never get how people tell family members to do their own laundry. Surely if the single person were separating colours etc it'd take a couple of weeks to get a full load otherwise they're wasting water and electricity doing small loads.

Why don't you just ask him if he's putting a wash on to make sure other things from the washing basket are washed too? Just as you do when you are washing. It's no hardship to hang it all up to dry once washed, then he can put his away and you do the rest.

These ways you're teaching him to take care of himself and other people and not just himself. My boys are only 8 and 10 but say "why do I have to tidy up, I didn't make the mess" when I ask them to tidy the toy room if it's messy from the 3 year old. I don't want them growing into men who think they only have to clean up after themselves.

Agree £25 pm is way too low. Increase to a realistic amount. I would include washing but would draw the line at ironing his stuff and only wash it if it was brought down ready sorted. I wouldn't be picking socks off his floor etc. With meals any takeaways just for him, lunch out at work etc paying for himself.

@oudie The posters weren't applying it to their own circumstances though, they were stating it as fact as in to OP as if they knew her own circumstances.. As I mentioned in my post I can understand why doing separate washes might incurr more cycles if you do not have many clothes, but this topic has been discussed on MN before and people just refuse to accept that washing separately can work.

It sounds like you are treating him as a lodger and not a son. If he is happy to eat the meals you are making then I don't see why you wouldn't cook for him?

£25 pw is just ridiculous. If he ordered a Domino's he'd spend more than that.

ds(18) has done his own laundry and bedding since he was 16 (thanks lockdown for making him that bored he learned lots of practical skills that year!)

If he puts a washing on and has to go out (with friends or PT job) I will offer or he might ask if I can hang it up for him when the machine has finished (or stick in tumble drier) which takes 2 mins so I don't mind, but the mental load is on him to organise himself. While he doesn't enjoy laundry (who does!) he likes the feeling of being that extra bit more independent.

If he is home he eats/helps out with family meals, but he is at uni (commuting) so we are still supporting him.

For your ds(20) if his digs isn't covering his food I would rather up this to cover the costs to cover what he takes from the family shop, than expect him to pay for his own food. If he wants anything special he can pay for it himself.

Oof, that's way too little! My dig money was 25% of my take-home pay, how much would that be for him?

At 20, I would regard my parenting to be mainly preparing him to live independently. To that end, yes I'd be expecting him to do his own washing at a minimum (I started my DS doing that at about 16-17 I think). Cooking meals for himself, again so he learns how to do it!

That's your child, not a lodger! Charge enough board to cover food should they want to eat, if they want something else they provide their own food and if you've already cooked for them you have a meal for your lunch tomorrow! Yes they should do washing if they have a full load, if you're putting the washer on, go see if they have anything to go in. Buying his own milk & bread is really mean IMO.

I’m all for adult children ‘paying keep’ and not taking the piss, but I think YABU.
It sounds as if you hate him.
How very sad.
If things are tight financially, increase his ‘keep’ money and explain why. Don’t exclude your child from the family in this way.

Charge enough board to cover food should they want to eat, if they want something else they provide their own food and if you've already cooked for them you have a meal for your lunch tomorrow!

This is so weird. Surely just communicate?

'I'm making X for tea tomorrow, do you want it?'

Im fucked if I'm eating leftover tea for my lunch. I choose my lunch, it's not based on whether other people eat the tea I cooked. How odd.

I think it seems a bit mean not to chuck his washing in with yours. I wouldn’t do this ironing or putting away

£25 is way too little even if his doing his own meals.

Personally would take more off him and cook him dinners and start cooking the others proper meals too.

Is your husband not his dad?

Is your husband resentful of his earnings versus contribution? Because your husband is a married father of several children while your son is a single young adult. Your son SHOULD have more disposable income and less responsibility

Surely you up his rent to cover enough for food for him so he can eat with you as a family, share the bread and milk with his family. It definitely seems strange to ask your son to buy his own separate food like he’s a lodger or in a flat share.

I agree on the washing, by 20 he should be capable of doing his own, but if he’s willing to pay extra then I’d just do it.

Why? OP, is married to her husband and presumably he financially supports her in return for her being a SAHM. That’s not the same arrangement as a 20 year old earning more than his father, expecting to pay £25 a week and still have mummy wash his pants for him. If he wants to pay OP a separate wage for doing domestic jobs for him, then he’s allowed to ask her if she’d consider it, and she’d still be entitled to say no, because she’d prefer her son learn basic life skills.

Adult kids can do their own laundry, I would not want my mum doing mine